@JackARoe
The ego of egolessness is definitely a thing. For sure. I'm not enlightened. I have a long way to go... and - like you said - it's probably impossible to fully sustain that state and continue resembling a human. But you can partially sustain it and if you do so the benefits are extraordinary.
Some may make us wish we did something different that we did. That is called growth.
I still don't understand this part. It sounds like you're equating regret with growth?
Like my drug use, I totally made peace with it.
No more struggle.
Me, too. It's such a relief not to hate on myself for who I am. I still aim to moderate use and stop using certain drugs, but I don't beat myself up about it at all. Not the slightest bit. It is what it is. Beating myself up (and trying to quit things I don't want to quit) was actually making my addiction issues worse... I like drugs. Some people like soccer. I don't. I prefer drugs. I'm tired of apologizing about it. I have never had a problem with psychedelic drugs. I love them to bits. It is other people who - with the best intentions - have projected (ignorant) fear onto me.
One scenario that does haunt me is our family had a doberman named Cindy when I lived in Houston Tx as a guard dog that stayed at our store overnight and I took care of her like a pet. I left to move to California after a few years and no one took care of her (and I had a lot of cousins and uncles right there with her that said they would) and she drank anti freeze and died, so 45 years later that still haunts me. I say I am sorry under my breath every time I think of that but also knowing full well I could not stop my life and employment for a dog, even though I would now.
Forgive yourself. I have done much worse than that and I've forgiven myself. People have done much worse to me and I have forgiven them.
It is a decision not to forgive yourself. You can forgive yourself right now while reading this sentence, if you want to.
I never knew what enlightenment meant. The closest I can come to a definition is learning to be kinder. The world is full of self congratulatory "enlightened" beings and that term can feed an ego for sure. I did use it a lot years ago but have dropped it. But to me if you are kind in most situations you are leaning towards enlightenment. A simple kind heart is gold. More so than meditating 5 hours a day and still not being kind.
Equating it to kindness is a mistake, I think. Being unkind will take you backwards, but only if you aren't at peace with your unkindness. You can always forgive yourself, no matter what you do.
Initially I thought sustaining non-dual was something like Pinocchio. If you do something wrong, your ego grows. But I'm starting to understand now that it only grows because of the shame associated with doing something wrong. There is no right and wrong. That is ego. Animals aren't concerned with morality. They just are.
It is easier to sustain non-dual if you are kind, because we are all one so to be unkind to others is to be unkind to yourself. So, if you fully understand that and integrate it into your core: being unkind doesn't make sense. But, again, that's ego.
To completely contradict myself, the natural state is love. So - if you are deep in non-dual - you won't be unkind to people because you will love everyone... but that state is nearly impossible to sustain every second of the day. We will encounter events in life that will thrust us back into ego and inevitably we will lash out and we will be unkind. In order to maintain non-duality, the best thing to do is to immediately forgive ourselves. Feel no shame. Feel no regret. We are imperfect beings. We are only human.
I realize that was quite rambling. I haven't put a lot of these thoughts into words. I am still a fledgling. I am still learning.
I have often said the goal of life is to make peace with everything.
100%
It's actually not difficult to recognize when we are not at peace with something. Shame, fear, regret, anger. Whenever you feel any of these things, let them go. Flush them. They do not serve you.
I am convinced that if I continue to do this on a daily basis, eventually these bad habits will dissipate.
I have basically no shame or regret (I don't regret anything I've ever done in my entire life or anything that has been done to me) and haven't for months. Like not even for a second. There have been a couple of moments of fear. COVID scared me and took me out of non-dual. I got paranoid when I had too much weed. I think those are the only two moments I've experienced fear since the 23rd of July this year. Anger is a much bigger problem for me, because I'm in an extremely dysfunctional relationship and eventually (after sitting calmly while my wife yells at me for hours) I will snap. But, I only snap when I drink alcohol. Otherwise I can just sit there for an indefinite amount of time and smile while I'm being abused.
The anger used to take me out of the non-dual state. Now, I don't let it. It is a decision to let it. It is a belief that this state is something that can be chipped away at. Really, it is always there. As soon as I go out now (if I do) I just go straight back in.
Fear is worse than anger.
Being fearless is the key, I think.
Fear is the core of anxiety and depression and hatred and sadness and everything we need to shed in order to get to a higher plane of existence.
There is only fear and love.
Donnie Darko was wrong.
...
EDIT: The best thing to do (rather than to be kind) is to be yourself
always, which - if you're in touch with non-duality - is loving / kind.
Trying to be kind is ego. Kindness will just flow if you let go.
