The Time Has Come - I HAVE to kick drugs - For realsies this time

[SPAMUSUBI]

(Stay tuned, this is a happy story that IS about healthy living)

So, first post. Long time lurker (who cares, I know).... addicted to drugs for a long time, I just didn't know it.

Anyway, I got started by my "cousin" throwing me a couple vicodin. It turned into more vicodin. That turned into an insane number of vicodins. That turned into this beautiful little thing my cousin called "15's".....oh the beauty. This is about two years ago when they were cheap(er). I could get the feeling from less pills? Deal. Then I found the beautiful little blues. The sweet little wretched terrible little blues. Now all of my disposable income goes to crap. Whatever is available. I've done things like Crystal less than time times, but more and more I'm hoping the offer comes up just so I can get through another day.

I have a great little family, a GORGEOUS fiance. A great job, a sweet car, I work out all the time. I'm also full of shit. I lie every single day. My fiance has no idea. None. She thinks I might make bad choices every now and then; especially when my cousin is around.....but she has no idea the extent. She has no idea the things I could've provided our family if my pay had gone toward the things we stay up talking about. We could've fulfilled so many of our dreams long ago. I will tell her someday. Some day.

I've managed to always pay the rent because I have people that depend on me. I pay my car payment. Late....but I pay it. My girl has no clue I'm late on all my credit cards. I lie my way through life....a week at a time. I live paycheck to paycheck when I make enough to not have to.

I'm tired of the regrets. My cousin has seen the worst of times since this little charade began, I've been able to just barely stay "normal" so nobody knows my secret. There are probably a handful of times where I've quit, just to get that call from my cousin when I felt like I needed it the most. I'd make the excuse that it's his fault. It's mine. It's all my fault and it's up to me to change it.

Now, at rock bottom, my cousin is headed to rehab. I have no connections myself. He says he's erased all his numbers and leaves in a couple of days. I couldn't get anything if I wanted it.

PERFECT.

THANK GOODNESS.

I needed this event so bad. My cousin, who I promised I'd never become? He's done. He's done and I'm not? No way. I can't let that happen. I can't be where he is. I eat healthy. I train martial arts regularly. Now I get to have my hard earned income for more than five minutes. That's the goal.

How?

I have advantages that others might not have. I have a healthy-eating fiance who makes me do the same. I have my workout regimen. I LIVE IN FREAKING HAWAII. How have I even let myself get to this point? They grab ahold of you. You know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I'm looking for support. I'm looking for tips, help, quotes from previous members who have kicked this nasty lifestyle, information on diet changes made during recovery. I have no delusions as to the difficulty I'm going to face, but I've seen this forum offer some awesome support. I've kicked it for a couple weeks at a time over the past couple years. I just need to do it again.....I need to do it this one last time.

SPAMUSUBI

 

[Maya]

OP, I'm moving this to Sober Living as it's a better fit for the forum.

First of all congratulations on deciding to quit and hopefully for good. I can detail you the dietary changes I made but I gotta run to go to work now. I'll pm you later once I get a chance.

 

[SPAMUSUBI]

Thanks Maya!

 

[xburtonchic]

I think the fact that you already work out, eat healthy, and lead a healthy lifestyle in general is going to be the biggest thing working in your favor. The fact that you live in Hawaii doesn't hurt either haha

I'd say keep doing what you're doing, but also address what it is that makes you want to use in the first place. You're going to find yourself with a lot of free time, so maybe take up a new hobby, or use all the extra money you'll have that you would normally spend on drugs to do something you've always wanted to do. Address the areas of your life which you feel need improvement, set goals, and take small steps each day to achieve them. Maybe it's time to come clean to your fiance as well? I'm sure the thought seems scary, but it will take a huge load off your shoulders. That's just a suggestion of course... I'm not really one to talk as I'm currently detoxing in secret as well. No one in my family or circle of sober friends has any idea, so maybe it's hypocritical for me to suggest that. But I do know from experience that being honest and having a good support system IRL has a ton of benefits. I've just been down that road with everyone too many times before, and telling them now after having been on a run so recently will have consequences that I feel would be detrimental to my recovery... so that's that for now haha.

You seem pretty well prepared already both mentally and physically, and combined with the fact that you couldn't get more opiates anymore even if you wanted to... I'd say you're off to a REALLY good start. I have all the faith in the world that you're going to be just fine. Good luck and remember that you can always come here during the worst times (and even the best times!) for support or just to talk to other people who know what you're going through

 

[SPAMUSUBI]

Thank you so much! That really helps a lot.

I definitely can't tell her yet. She's never experienced anything close to this before and will have a really hard time understanding. I think she would have a harder time with it than me. Not out of judgment......just ignorance.

It (being a user) actually hasn't had a huge effect on my time. I do the same things I normally do, just while feeling either awesome or just "meh". I wish I had something to distract me at work outside of.......you know......work.

Yeah I'm going to see my doctor about my anxiety. I have a feeling that's the root. I actually maintain presentation really well in most scenarios, but in the back of my mind I'm worrying about everything. Like....everything. Everything ever. I know that's not normal so I'll have to address that for sure. I just want to get through each day for the next week or so. That first week is so crucial just as far as the mental part. Physical too, obviously....

Anyway, thanks for the comment!

 

[xburtonchic]

Yeah, anxiety is a bitch... my anxiety is what made opiates seem like the perfect drug to me in the first place and ultimately led me to heroin. The first time I tried Vicodin I was 14 and I hated the feeling. Two years later I developed a baaaaddd anxiety disorder that lasted up until I was prescribed Norco for surgery. That was the second time I ever tried opiates, and all of a sudden it felt like my problems were solved, I loved it. From that day forward I didn't go a single day without opiates for another two years. When I got off them finally, I found my anxiety was still there, but worse. That's when heroin entered the picture. It's paradoxical, and it makes no sense, but living with heroin addiction and then getting clean for the first time is ultimately what cured my anxiety. Led me to spirituality and God and showed me that I was a hell of a lot stronger than I originally thought and that there was no reason to be anxious about anything after being through hell and back and surviving.

FYI I am not suggesting going through a heroin addiction as a cure for anxiety lol. I was just trying to illustrate the process behind what cured my own. It wasn't the heroin itself, it was the things that living with such a horrible addiction made me realize as truth and the way it changed my view of the world to have a much broader perspective and make trivial things finally seem... well, trivial. Heroin is evil. End of story. Just wanted to clear that up lol.

No worries if you can't tell your fiance about it. I am a firm believer in trusting your instincts, and if your instincts are telling you that it will do more harm than good, then by all means you should absolutely listen to them.

Are you allowed to listen to music at work? I don't know what you do, but if you work in an office or with a computer or something, that could be a solution. Even if you don't, you could always invest in some headphones and an ipod (with all the money you'll save by not wasting it on opiates, yay! haha) to carry around with you, and then listen to music when you really need a distraction. In fact, I suggest listening to positive uplifting music (electronic music is fantastic for that) in general. Music has both changed and saved my life, and at times it has been the ONLY thing that has helped me to transcend the mental and even physical symptoms. Your emotions are obviously heightened during this time - ALL of them - and you would be surprised at how euphoric it can make you feel to just throw on some headphones and let yourself get lost in some good music

 

[herbavore]

Try reading When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. It can give you some great practical strategies for understanding and overcoming anxiety.