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The Same Sex Dating Conundrum

nautilus

nautilus

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 29, 2008
Messages
247
Location
Socal
After years and years of sexual repression I came out to myself in the last couple months. I was unable to pick up any cues from any gender...sex was the last thing on my mind.

How bad was this sexual repression? Well, once while I was vacationing in Santa Barbara, I was hanging out with this girl from UCSB. We were drinking and walking around town talking about diversity of religious beliefs. She took me up to her dorm and offered me more to drink. She also mentioned her roommate was out of town and that we wouldn't be disturbed.I thought nothing of it and left the dorm shortly. It was only upon retrospect that I realized what she wanted.

I would like to pursue a relationship with the same sex. This is monumental to me because I had internalized homophobia and felt that it could never happen.

My question is this...how does one know if a gay/bisexual guy is into you? It's difficult to approach this issue because of the fear of offending someone or humiliation. People in the United States are conditioned to see gay males as effeminate...as if you have to perform certain gestures and speak a certain way for someone to clearly identify your sexual preference 8) I guess my mannerisms are masculine so often give off the "is he or isn't he?" vibe. I am unwilling to change anything so that I can give off clear signals.

How should I approach this situation? Keep in mind that no "gaydar" is perfect. So many men nowadays pride themselves on being fashionable and having good hair/skin, as well as opening themselves to their feminine side.

This is one instance where straight people really do have it easier :)
 
I have excellent gaydar/bidar and I'm not nelly or feminine.

It's always been that way for me and it does get easier to tell.

There's no written rule that just because you are gay or bisexual that you have to become a queen or act feminine. Some men are queens and some just aren't.

Try going to gay/GLBT bars/dance clubs as I found this to be fun and it's nice to get out and socialize and meet people. Granted yeah sone people are there to hook up but you'll find that anywhere.

If you're not old enough for bars and you're in college or at a university see if your school has a GLBT student center or a GLBT student run group.

If you're in a city or even a small town see if there's any GLBT or gay/bisexual male social groups or things like that. I've met friends this way and some I did wind up dating but these social groups are not just for hooking up. My friend met his future husband/partner that way when they were both involved in a bowling league and he did date a few men who he played other sports with.

I personally don't use the internet to find people to date but I have before but I wound up meeting very weird people and I prefer meeting people face to face and it seems like everyone online just wants to hook up and while I did do a little of that with people who I've met in bars while on vacation it's not my thing.

I know some people who did meet someone to date and have a relationship with online. My friend is bisexual and he met his gay male partner on Myspace so it does work.

Also if you come out to people that can help.

I don't mean going up to random strangers and saying "Hello my name is..... and I'm a gay man..." but as you become friends with them you can tell them.

For myself I can easily tell when a man is into me but I'm good at reading body language and some men will just come out and tell me that they're interested in me.

Since you're interested in meeting people to date/have a relationship with tell them this and if you're on sites like Facebook or gay.com you can write about that in your profile or put up options for this.

I hope this helps. Good luck!
 
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Go to a gay bar. Problem solved. :) And most cities do have LGBTQ (or whatever acronym it is now, lol) groups that do all kinds of fun stuff. Go online and see if there's one near you.

And don't you whine about being a gay male and dating. Try being a femme bisexual girl into femmes and see where that gets you... :p

*takes off cranky pants* ;)
 
Thanks Priest and Rant for your advice...

The thing is...I avoid the bar/club scene. Clubbers tend to like that active lifestyle, while I am more of the laid back person. It would be like oil and water.

The problem is more of seeing an attractive person in a cafe and introducing yourself and your intentions without being assaulted. The friend route is the best in this situation.
 
That can also work I know in my city there are GLBT coffee shops or cafes where lots of GLBT people go since it's in the gay/GLBT section of the city.

Or when I lived in a small town there was a cafe where lots of GLBT people went and it had the rainbow sticker in the window and some of the staff was either GLBT or GLBT friendly people.

Try seeing if your area or the nearest city has a gay newspaper as they usually list cafes, social clubs, and other places in it.
 
She took you back to her place, offered you drinks then said her roommate was out of town and you didn't tap that? Yep you're gay lol
 
^ yeah, he kind of figured that out. :\

Unfortunately my friend I can't really think of anything to suggest as I am in a somewhat similar situation myself
 
I'm in kind of a similar situation, however I just got out of rehab after the most pathetic thing I did, mmt in 2006 to last monday, it was time to get off now even at 150mg.

I was ready and willing to tough out what would be the "perfect storm of the worst wd's I ever had", after converting back to subs I felt my life starting to come back.

Now I am suffering a type of ptsd after all this and realizing I've been celibate(sp) since 06 with no interest in dating or being with another man, I now suddenly realize and it even hit me close to tears in rehab that its been sooo long since I had a man even hold me and just us lay together and let me cry my eyes out after all I put myself through since 06.

At this point and right now its like suddenly wake up call since I have my life, emotions etc back again.

I'm sure I'm not the only gay man who feels this way or has been through what or similar to what I've been through. Heck I could cum in seconds the 1st day outta rehab and back on subs because I couldn't stop thinking how bad I realize I need a trustworthy man in my life.

I too am not in anyway effeminate and even my roomate at rehab made me laugh so hard, talking about all the chicks hittin him up from facebook and even some in rehab. We have become friends but have not met to chill and just relax and talk about stuff and laugh etc. He thinks I'm cool so far and I think he is cool too as a friend. Dont get me wrong he is straight and I'm not interested in him except as a friend, I worried alot when we were roomates for a week and the day he left, the whole building seemed quiet and sad. I was in rehab one more day after he left, leaving me a new roomate who was an alchoholic and bar tender.

He was sick so I didn't want to bother him much, but that last day before I got out was when I realized at this time in my life how bad I need a man, to keep me from relapsing again, to be there for me when time comes when I need to cry it out all I been through.

I'm surprised my roomate who I became friends with never asked me if I have a girl or if I'm gay, I was worried more and more we got to know each other that I would have to come out. Even though we had alot in common to talk about so as to keep conversations way far from my being gay, we stayed up 2 nights in a row once till 12:30am and 1:30am because we and I especially could just not sleep. I'm now in the real world as well as him and have my facebook set up so I could see his, he welcomed me to look at his cool page and said to set my fb acct up which I began doing 2 days outta rehab.

I have alot to offer for the right man, yet downsides too, but so does anyone I'm sure. I'm a laid back type of guy too, sexual healing gentle type of guy who had mainly casual sex etc before 2004 when I really wanted to be opiated into inebreation(sp). I got sick of being a "guy magnet" on aol when I was on there, so many guys wanted me in fact one wanted me all to himself but he was bi and married and had to be so discreet that I just had to nicely end that.

I am hiv negative thank god, but after the last std I got way back was the turning point where I just got sick of just sex and nobody wanted a relationship, that was when I went into celibate after finding the good rop's pharms. "mister watson" my little but powerful pal norco 10/500 made me feel all the love I needed, all cozied up etc and full of energy, I obsessed with opies since then and have not had really any contact with men since then.

Funny how life changes and we suddenly change or get a wake up call and suddenly things are so different in my mind now that I'm still a little dilusional after outta rehab and back on subs.

The last 2 days my roomate and me spent bedtime or lights out talking back and forth to each other, he finally trusted me more to let me sit on his bed and see his internet phone which I thought was so cool from when I got in rehab and he couldn't understand why we got along as friends so well, so he asked my astrology sign and when I was born and he told me his sign. He then googled it and we both were schocked to find out that we basically run along the same lines of feelings and beliefs etc together. He then let me look at the phone and trusted me not to mess it up etc, then the nurse busted in after hearing us talking so long and said we had to get to sleep. Naturally we both slept in out clothes the whole time in detox in seperate beds.

Then the next day, when he was going to leave, we have a break from all them meetings etc so we went and relaxed, he sat up using the phone while I was laying in my bed chatting with him when he was not busy on the phone for 5 mins or more intervals and suddenly he said "why are you so gayly into my phone?" lucky nothing come out, I just said it was so kick ass that I gotta get the droid.

We still chat from fb, I just wonder what he will think when he sees I'm single and gay man. Looking for a relationship?

What does everyone think? support, input, advice greatly appreciated, I'm getting tired now and gotta get to bed, been long day.
 
nautilus said:
Thanks Priest and Rant for your advice...

The thing is...I avoid the bar/club scene. Clubbers tend to like that active lifestyle, while I am more of the laid back person. It would be like oil and water.

The problem is more of seeing an attractive person in a cafe and introducing yourself and your intentions without being assaulted. The friend route is the best in this situation.
Click to expand...

i have the same problem, gay clubs are full of people acting a stereotype and i dont find it that much of a turn on. yes i can get one night stands but getting a relationship is difficult.

most people dont interest me that much, and ussually at best are beautiful OR intelligent let alone both AND gay. annoying

its simply not easy, the only way to let men know is to flirt with them. eye contact, body language, etc.

you sound like the kind of man i go for, i only seem to find chilled out calm emotionally unexpressive, masculine men attractive:)
 
onlywant2nod said:
We still chat from fb, I just wonder what he will think when he sees I'm single and gay man. Looking for a relationship?

What does everyone think? support, input, advice greatly appreciated, I'm getting tired now and gotta get to bed, been long day.
Click to expand...


well i would gues that he is probably open minded and maybe just likes your personality, plus when you come off opiates the horniness will lead to extreme and intense feelings. i think you sound pretty hot:)

nobody is perfect
 
Thanks, Yep we get along pretty well and he seems open minded while we were in rehab, he's got brazillian in him alot and we found out our astrological signs, what they mean, sure enough gemini, him and piecies(sp) me get along well and tend to have a very passionate tendancy to take very intense closeness and are very emotional in bed, when he read that though, he said OOOO this is like gay, too much about sex etc, were looking up how and why we get along as friends so well, I said lol I know. That's when he found a good more informative web site that said shocking things we have in common.

Soooo, to my thinking if I find a boyfriend and he says he is a gemini, we may just hit it off right away. I never really was into astrology signs and looking up my daily horoscope etc, very interesting though.

I notice you have your location as Europe, I'd sure love to go there for obvious reasons and see what kind of gay community is like there. Speaking of being gay, I'm surprised W.S.B. said in his book "junky" about his homosexuality but yet it also said he was married too at one time.

Also you are right,when I switched from mmt to suboxone, wow can I cum in seconds, I think the subs are still fighting what methadone is still in me, coming out could take a few meonths my doctor said. I am lucky to feel good again but on the other hand I can feel it inside, suboxone fighting what is left from mmt, I'll nod sometimes, then I get very emotional almost to tears thinking about all I been through since 06 including being celibate from then to now.

It wont take long on gay.com etc or fbook for hopefully a nice guy to come along and I can finally hug, hold onto,kiss and cozy up with a guy again and feel it and enjoy it and if the time is right and he is totally understanding if I just get real emotional and cry it all out, I'm sure he would hold me tight and understand, if he was an addict or not.
 
whenever i have come off even small binges of poppy tea i feel a strong sense of social rejection and depression for a few days. you will find someone and in time your brain and body will readjust. when i came off speed it took a long time but i got my head back togther.

i'm not that emotional within a relationship and find it takes a huge length of time to begin to feel anything for someone i'm with other than just sex/ the satisfaction of selfish affection (only enjoying that i am being hugged as opposed to hugging someone and the satisfaction that would bring them). i just find connecting with people difficult, although i am pretty good in bed from what i've been told by others, but then i've had enough pratice and i believe in always learning and making an effort to please. i love the control of giving someone else pleasure (it satisfies me).

i have one great friend that i have had strong feelings for years (12) and i'm 24 (i love him more than anything), besides that i go through phases of lust and infatuation with people and then growing bored and restless (prompted by the sense that the 1 relationship i was in was inauthentic, in the sense that it had no scope for meaningfull progression and was all about endless sex).

i dont find it that easy to open up to new people as i have a kind of jaded view on life (bipolar) and am living at home with my mum since leaving uni and cant exactly bring people home. also i dont know that many people locally, not that i'm that bothered. i want to move back to where i did my dgree and do nursing as i have a very active nature and cannot tolerate desk work. i have close friends up there that i used to live with and can trust and share interests (they are pretty clever).

i did recently see someone at work (i work in an airport and had to give him a body search) from where i was at uni and some hardcore flirting was going on-people at work thought i had slept with him, but i simply had chatted him up a few times in a pub he worked at. he is stunning, but its up to the lady of luck if we meet again as although he told me his name, i din't get his surmane and cant remember any other details he told me as his smilling eyes blinded me with rushy lust. he was so pretty my mind went blank. he does work with the homeless now and he has juicy shoulders. that is all.
 
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Wow we have some things in common, I got manic depression from my Dad's side of family as well as the worst part of addiction"his doc was alchohol and mine opies", I also live with mum too and dont have anyone I can trust mutually etc.

I once met a gorgeous man who came over to look at and buy something I was selling(I work on electronics and cars and sell them too), he was looking at an window air conditioner I had fixed up and he kept grabbing his crotch"penis area". I was so wooddyyy that I just wanted him to come inside because he was going to show me how to get free cable tv. My Mum was gone and my gifted special senses were telling me he may be bi or gay. He kept grabbing himself like you know when you do when "its out of place so you dont think and re adjust yourself down there?" well he kept doing it like hint hint he was hot for me.

Suddenly I said wanna go downstairs and see that cable box I found in the garbage? sure he said, we went downstairs and I asked if he was single and he said yes, me too but something told me not to just come out and say I'm gay and looking for someone and how cute his face was, he was smooth with hardly any body hair and he just was my type and we stood close to each other as he was looking at my stuff and said how amazed he was at my collection of old electronics. That kind of sucked cuz I was hurrying things up to try to figure a way to subtly find out if he was hot for me or just playing with himself out of habit since he had shorts on and just a t shirt and shoes.

Then Mum came home, holy shit I thought but luckily since he was there to buy something from me she thought nothing of it, but when he bought my a/c unit and we put it in the truck he had, I said nice meeting you, you are nice, he said thanks so are you, you look good for your age and much younger than you say. I then asked him, are you into porno etc, he said yea page me and we can talk about that later. That's when I knew he could be mine. He then said he was divorced and had a kid(boy), I then assumed maybe he had divorced because his wife found him with another man etc.

He gave me his pager number and I've met gay or bi guys named Bruce alot before, seems like a common name, we then shook hands saying goodbye and he held my hand for a bit and said page me, I said I definately will as we both looked at each other with lust in our eyes, I'm sure he saw it in my eyes. He left and I forgot to ask what time best to page him and damn I wish I paged him. I bet we would have broke the bed LOL!, I just wanted to feel him andrub him and kiss his hot lips and run my hands through his hair and hold each other.

I'm not the type of guy who just likes to "bang bang bang be done and sleep or go our seperate ways" I like alot of affection and foreplay until I or we finally do it and cuddle for long time after. Alot of guys I've been with before loved that, yet alot say the reason I dont have a relationship is because I'm boring in bed no offence they said but to each his own.

I think it will just take that lucky someone I just run into who just happens to blow my mind and we get along great not just sexually but as friends to relationship to marrying if possible. I know I will need someone to "take care of me" because if God forbid my Mum passes on, I would kill myself or go crazy if I had 2 live with my brother.
 
Don't know about more serious dating, but as for casual hook-ups for male gays I can't imagine anything much easier. My ex was just startiing to explore his bisexual side when we were together (stricktly physical, no feelings involved) and it was so easy virtually all he had to do was snap his fingers to get some. Just very no-nonsnse approach, nothing like trying to hook up with a woman.

He mostly did it via Craigslist, or by hooking up with some experiemental bi when out partying, or even adult movie theatres where all sorts of depravity goes on. He wasn't the most delicate flower and the wildest thing he was going to do was let himself be fucked by 5 guys at the same time who'd always had that fantasy, but it ended up being too much for him so he cancelled and then agreed 3 could come over. Most would be bi, though, and would enjoy me being involved in some way. No actual threesomes, more as an observer, or there might have been one or two times where I'd be of some assitance to my BF. I just had a rule I wouldn't mess around with other guys in front of him, or behind his back, since I like to be faithful but it could still be pretty wild.

So having seen how easy it can be I can't see how there's any need for you to go without any. No one has it as easy as gay males looking to hook up. And like someone said, a gay bar, or how could you possible go wrong? I guess the problem is in more your insecurities than the actual lack of options. Just get drunk or find some way to lose your inhibitions and you should be fine.
 
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First of all, it's really great you were able to come out to yourself, that's a big step and I bet you must be feeling really relieved now no? :) Did you tell anyone else?

In my experience, it's much, MUCH easier to tell when a woman is into you (if you're a woman) or a man is into you (if you're a man) than when it's a heterosexual situation. I don't know why. All I can say is whenever I would go to the gay quarter in Paris with my gay/lesbian friends I would get hit on by a ton of women, waaay more than when I just went out to straight bars. Might be that I'm more appealing to women but one of my gay friends has also told me gay men are much more direct about it so there you go.
If you're worried about the stigma and all I'd suggest you try to have a (casual) conversation with whoever has caught your eye about their views on same-sex relationships. It's not a very difficult topic to bring up and their reaction about it could give you a lot of hints.
 
Congrats on realizing who you really are and what you really want. That takes guts! And since we've established you're courageous, I'll spare you the hand holding and tell you what I think works best, in my experience...

I'm more of an introvert and I don't approach guys that often, yet I still seem to end up meeting guys in random places like on the bus. Actually, the current guy I'm seeing I also met on the bus. Maybe the bus I take is just the gay bus :P

About the gaydar thing... people rely on gaydar because they are still living in secret, or their gaydar is good because they spent a huge amount of time feeling the need to be safe and assured about who is potentially gay before making a move. I used to be one of those people. My current strategy is really a non-strategy, and it's being out everywhere I go, and if people have a problem with it then that's too bad. Yes, you're going to end up dealing with the occasional homophobe, and yes at first it means being uncomfortable -- but why live for anything less? It's who you are. You have every right to pursue happiness just like everyone else. Yes, it takes courage and confidence, but when you're out then people will come to you, no gaydar necessary. It's when guys don't have to worry about guessing and making fools of themselves that they will feel better about approaching you.

Mind you, I'm not saying you should walk into a room and shout about how gay you are, but I can't count the number of times I've seen gay guys fail to correct a person who asks them: "So, got a girlfriend?" "You must get all the ladies!" "Why aren't you hitched up yet?" They don't even say they're gay, they just give some trite comment and remain hidden. And I get it, I really do... being openly gay requires vulnerability and who wants that. But it's sometimes necessary to get yourself ahead. No risk no gain.

I've seen gaydar go wrong many times before, even among those who think their gaydar is great. Keep in mind that most gaydar goes untested. You might look at someone and be convinced they're gay but if you never approach them then you'll never know for sure. I'm not big on guessing games. My gaydar is fairly accurate based on experience, but I don't rely on it. I rely on my courage to get me places. As a result, I've been with so-called "straight" guys, and I've asked out guys who never ever considered being with a guy but after meeting me they considered it. The world is diverse like that. I've had guys ask me out who I would never guess are gay in a million years, and it only happened because they already knew I was gay based on my outness.

I almost never go to gay clubs or bars. They're mostly a waste of time in my opinion, unless of course you need a safe space for testing the waters and getting to know yourself. For me, I just avoided them altogether, but I live in a fairly liberal part of the world so I don't need them. Gay bar/club culture is based on commerce, vanity, sex, and in a lot of ways sociopathic behaviour. I don't drink alcohol and drunks are a big turn off. Also, most gay bars play bad music that you have to shout over in order to have a conversation with someone. They're not conducive to very good socializing. I also agree that the internet is hookup central. People use it like they use a Tiffany's catalogue... looking for the prettiest, nicest piece of meat they can get laid by. Even if they say they're looking for a long-term relationship, yep, they just want to get laid. (How can you look for an LTR anyway?)

Sorry if I sound so frank. I've just dealt with a lot of bullshit and suffering on this journey to self-actualization and I want to spare you the rod. Maybe I can't though. You'll just have to navigate the world and figure out what's best for you, based on what you're really ready for. If you live in an area where you won't get killed for being out, then I would risk being out. Start with those closest to you, form a base of allegiance, and then start going places.
 
I really don't know. When I was younger I just waited until somebody started hitting on me.
I never really tried to start something off with somebody else (except for one disaster) I just put myself in the situation where I was available.
When you're older though it's more difficult, especially after trying to be straight for so many years.
 
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