The road ahead of me...any feedback appreciated!

kitten9966

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 8, 2010
Messages
7
I have suffered depression, anxiety, PTSD, chronic physical pain and insomnia my entire life. In my quest to self-medicate I have become acquianted with pretty much every psychoactive "solution" legal and otherwise. I have been taking sleep aids since childhood and I am thirtysomething. In my mid teens I went the "better living through chemistry" route and have been masking my depression/insecurity/neurosis/pain any way i can. I want out of this vicious cycle, the only meds that really work well and make me feel ok the next day are physically addictive. My worst anxiety and depression always occurs when i am laying down to sleep, and without meds my mind is like a loud radio station, I am plagued by repetitive invasive thoughts of sad stressful things like death and poverty and the panic becomes physical, my guts feel like they are twisting and the more i try to deep breathe, relax, the more insistent the images and worries become until the sun comes up and I am immobilized but awake and wracked with despair :! :( 8( I can go days without sleep, totally sober, if i dont take something. Right now I am dependent on pain meds and benzos and I've had it. Even melatonin has become habit forming for me. I want to get off and just get the cold sweats and DT's over with so I can try to live clean, go to meetings for support if need be, and get into a regular excersize routine and maybe get back my creativity, lose the drug weight and get back some self esteem along with a good job hopefully. Employers balk when they see i'm on synthetic heroin so when the drug test comes regardless of how great the interview they never call me again; there is alot of prejudice and misconceptions that pain patients face, no matter how you try to sugar coat it methadone is regarded as a junkie drug by society at large. It is the lesser of 2 evils for pain patients who want to get off oxys and has helped millions, but I am done with being dependent on a pill to function like a normal human being. Seeing how i suffer "amotivational syndrome" with dysthymia (AKA feel dead and apathetic all the time--recognized as a relatively common side effect of methadone) I'm not even functioning as a normal person.
The only problem is I dont have any friends or support network where i have moved and my husband (who is not an addict and said he is sick of hearing me talk about this stuff) is gone all day every day so I am pretty much left idle all day. I know what happens when i go off these meds without any structure and nothing to fill the chasm. The next month is my detox month. I become almost suicidally depressed, socially withdrawn, cold sweats for months on end, and the likelihood of feeling so raw and edgy that i eventually break down and substitute with booze is probable and a pattern i have struggled with for a long time. I cant afford fancy therapists or rehabs, and the fact that i am going off methadone is a touchy and controversial topic in NA/AA, most disapprove of m. maintenance and benzodiazepines, are ex junkies who secretly crave them, or are totally ignorant of the special problems it poses for the recovering addict. I need to talk to someone that knows about methadone/xanax and that i can trust. I dont even feel safe mentioning them in meetings because those are drugs of choice for some addicts and could trigger a desire to relapse using any means possible including theft, deception, or even an opportunistic "slip" from someone who means well but breaks down at the sight of my medicine cabinet. Ive seen it happen. Ive seen sponsors with years of recovery put in temptations path and months later you see them pimping out their former sponsee so they can get their fix. NA/AA help millions but I dont like meetings.There are exceptions but in general I dont like alot of the people there. I dont want to be like them. I did it for 5 years, gung ho, and relapsed armed with new ways to be a better addict from the constant war stories and descriptions of how/when/where to get stuff. I'd like to find people who are rooted in the solution rather than romanticizing the past and one-upping who did the most drugs. Anyways, sorry about the novel, I am a very expressive and overly wordy type writer, I tend to just let my flow of thoughts fall onto the page. Writing is another thing i need to get back to. Ive been in a terrible rut and feel like the drugs are stifling my creativity as well as destroying my memory. Its like i have early dementia, i cant remember names, facts, simple words, and events. If anyone out there can relate to my little hell i would like to start networking with healthy people who can share their "experience, strength and hope". BTW i hate 12 step slogans they come across as insincere especially when thats all someone does is parrot lines from the big book. I relate better to people who just keep it real and tell me how they got through it. Doing it online and finding email buddies or whatever is at least a step in the right direction. I'm not sure if the moderators mind but just to see where I can find the most insight i am going to copy this post to other threads/topics. Thanks for listening and well wishes to all......
~kitten~
>^..^<
 
I would go to live a monastic life on a Buddhist monastery if nothing else seemed to work.

Best of luck and love to you <3
 
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I can somewhat relate to your situation- I sometimes have a relentless mind, to the point where it creates auto-immune dysfunction, fatigue, depression, etc. But I get out of it. I don't doubt you can change, no matter how low you feel.

Find philosophies that resonate with you AND make you feel better. Some of my favorites:
The Wisdom of Insecurity - Alan Watts
The Book (on knowing who you are or something like that) - Alan Watts
"A Conversation With Myself" [youtube video] - Alan Watts
The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle
Stillness Speaks - Eckhart Tolle
Find your own inner Love. Find your own intention and true desires. Serve others.
Know there is hope. The brain and body are amazing things... Regenerative, if you let them (aside from regenerating an arm).

Experiment with different ways of meditating. Body scans, affirmations, aura-stretching, relaxation, surrender (you don't HAVE to stop your thoughts).

Accepting is a POWERFUL thing. Remember, don't accept in order to change. Even if you stay unhealthy, being in acceptance of that is much less stressful than resisting how you are feeling.

Listen to music that inspires you. Some of my own- Cat Stevens, Stevie Wonder, Mika, Bjork, Incubus, Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Customize to your own liking.

Whatever works for you.
 
Hey, Kitten. Since your initial post was so long ago, you may not be active in here anymore, but on the off-chance, I wanted to contact you to say, "I completely relate!" I, too, have been in AA and unable to be honest about being on Methadone and Xanax. I did it for many years, and I'm not going now. Can't say I'm doing super well or maybe as well as I was when I was seriously making use of the steps, but I don't want to go back. It started to feel so forced, and it was, in a sense. If I didn't show up at least semi regularly, I heard about it. It's like an assumption, if you're not here for us to see, it's obvious (to us) that you're using. NEWSFLASH: I was "using," according to many members' way of thinking all along. There are plenty of people with chronic pain and other issues, like unbearable anxiety, who make use of medications to deal with them. My first sponsor taught me, "Just because you are in recovery, does NOT mean you have to suffer!" This was back when there was a big conflict in AA regarding freaking antidepressants! She, my 1st sponsor, wasn't speaking to antidepressants but to pain meds - I wanted to clarify that point because it may give hope to someone that there actually ARE AAs with compassion and understanding for people like me. I can't speak to NA, as I have no experience with that program. I found myself nodding and saying, "uh-huh," "yep," etc., all through your post. I am also very expressive and overly wordy. I, too, can go days without sleep and no drugs causing it. I've found a very-old antidepressant, Elavil (amitriptyline) at 50 mg VERY helpful with sleep. I had one too many nights of wandering through the apartment, causing bruises from I don't know what, with Ambien. I prefer meds that have been around for many years to new ones, as I know the ones that have lasted are effective and they far less likely to be found dangerous than newly-approved drugs big pharma pushes on doctors with samples, etc. Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and, if you are still an active BL, offer my empathy and willingness to dialogue with you. I pray you have found peace. If you have, I'd love to know how, and if you haven't, I'd love to chat. Take care, Kitty!
 
Definitely can relate to your sentiments toward 12 step programs. It can be a safe place to share with others- but idk if it's the best place to go looking for help. Really, they're supposed to be self-help programs with group for support, but it doesn't work that way, as you describe. Sometimes it seems a bit like the blind leading the blind, but it isn't a bad place to get emotional support from people with similar struggles.

Do you have a plan in place for your detox? My DOCs were opioids and benzos, so I know the struggle quite well. Been through some pretty terrible WDs, including seizure and psychosis. One thing I can assure you of is that getting of benzos and opioids at the same time is very serious and can be very dangerous as well. You must formulate a plan for the sake of your mental and physical well-being, and for the sake of success. How will you deal with nausea, vomitting, diarrhea, and dehydration? Is your partner aware, and is he willing to put up with the mess that is about to come? Do you plan to taper?

I don't want to cause alarm, but you should be concerned about your own safety/well-being. People have lost their lives to this fight, it's not always a matter of strength or weakness.
 
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