kitten9966
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2010
- Messages
- 7
I have suffered depression, anxiety, PTSD, chronic physical pain and insomnia my entire life. In my quest to self-medicate I have become acquianted with pretty much every psychoactive "solution" legal and otherwise. I have been taking sleep aids since childhood and I am thirtysomething. In my mid teens I went the "better living through chemistry" route and have been masking my depression/insecurity/neurosis/pain any way i can. I want out of this vicious cycle, the only meds that really work well and make me feel ok the next day are physically addictive. My worst anxiety and depression always occurs when i am laying down to sleep, and without meds my mind is like a loud radio station, I am plagued by repetitive invasive thoughts of sad stressful things like death and poverty and the panic becomes physical, my guts feel like they are twisting and the more i try to deep breathe, relax, the more insistent the images and worries become until the sun comes up and I am immobilized but awake and wracked with despair 
8( 
I can go days without sleep, totally sober, if i dont take something. Right now I am dependent on pain meds and benzos and I've had it. Even melatonin has become habit forming for me. I want to get off and just get the cold sweats and DT's over with so I can try to live clean, go to meetings for support if need be, and get into a regular excersize routine and maybe get back my creativity, lose the drug weight and get back some self esteem along with a good job hopefully. Employers balk when they see i'm on synthetic heroin so when the drug test comes regardless of how great the interview they never call me again; there is alot of prejudice and misconceptions that pain patients face, no matter how you try to sugar coat it methadone is regarded as a junkie drug by society at large. It is the lesser of 2 evils for pain patients who want to get off oxys and has helped millions, but I am done with being dependent on a pill to function like a normal human being. Seeing how i suffer "amotivational syndrome" with dysthymia (AKA feel dead and apathetic all the time--recognized as a relatively common side effect of methadone) I'm not even functioning as a normal person.
The only problem is I dont have any friends or support network where i have moved and my husband (who is not an addict and said he is sick of hearing me talk about this stuff) is gone all day every day so I am pretty much left idle all day. I know what happens when i go off these meds without any structure and nothing to fill the chasm. The next month is my detox month. I become almost suicidally depressed, socially withdrawn, cold sweats for months on end, and the likelihood of feeling so raw and edgy that i eventually break down and substitute with booze is probable and a pattern i have struggled with for a long time. I cant afford fancy therapists or rehabs, and the fact that i am going off methadone is a touchy and controversial topic in NA/AA, most disapprove of m. maintenance and benzodiazepines, are ex junkies who secretly crave them, or are totally ignorant of the special problems it poses for the recovering addict. I need to talk to someone that knows about methadone/xanax and that i can trust. I dont even feel safe mentioning them in meetings because those are drugs of choice for some addicts and could trigger a desire to relapse using any means possible including theft, deception, or even an opportunistic "slip" from someone who means well but breaks down at the sight of my medicine cabinet. Ive seen it happen. Ive seen sponsors with years of recovery put in temptations path and months later you see them pimping out their former sponsee so they can get their fix. NA/AA help millions but I dont like meetings.There are exceptions but in general I dont like alot of the people there. I dont want to be like them. I did it for 5 years, gung ho, and relapsed armed with new ways to be a better addict from the constant war stories and descriptions of how/when/where to get stuff. I'd like to find people who are rooted in the solution rather than romanticizing the past and one-upping who did the most drugs. Anyways, sorry about the novel, I am a very expressive and overly wordy type writer, I tend to just let my flow of thoughts fall onto the page. Writing is another thing i need to get back to. Ive been in a terrible rut and feel like the drugs are stifling my creativity as well as destroying my memory. Its like i have early dementia, i cant remember names, facts, simple words, and events. If anyone out there can relate to my little hell i would like to start networking with healthy people who can share their "experience, strength and hope". BTW i hate 12 step slogans they come across as insincere especially when thats all someone does is parrot lines from the big book. I relate better to people who just keep it real and tell me how they got through it or those who are in the process like me. Doing it online and finding email buddies or whatever is at least a step in the right direction. I'm not sure if the moderators mind but just to see where I can find the most insight i am going to copy this post to other threads/topics. Thanks for listening and well wishes to all......
~kitten~
>^..^<
8( I can go days without sleep, totally sober, if i dont take something. Right now I am dependent on pain meds and benzos and I've had it. Even melatonin has become habit forming for me. I want to get off and just get the cold sweats and DT's over with so I can try to live clean, go to meetings for support if need be, and get into a regular excersize routine and maybe get back my creativity, lose the drug weight and get back some self esteem along with a good job hopefully. Employers balk when they see i'm on synthetic heroin so when the drug test comes regardless of how great the interview they never call me again; there is alot of prejudice and misconceptions that pain patients face, no matter how you try to sugar coat it methadone is regarded as a junkie drug by society at large. It is the lesser of 2 evils for pain patients who want to get off oxys and has helped millions, but I am done with being dependent on a pill to function like a normal human being. Seeing how i suffer "amotivational syndrome" with dysthymia (AKA feel dead and apathetic all the time--recognized as a relatively common side effect of methadone) I'm not even functioning as a normal person.The only problem is I dont have any friends or support network where i have moved and my husband (who is not an addict and said he is sick of hearing me talk about this stuff) is gone all day every day so I am pretty much left idle all day. I know what happens when i go off these meds without any structure and nothing to fill the chasm. The next month is my detox month. I become almost suicidally depressed, socially withdrawn, cold sweats for months on end, and the likelihood of feeling so raw and edgy that i eventually break down and substitute with booze is probable and a pattern i have struggled with for a long time. I cant afford fancy therapists or rehabs, and the fact that i am going off methadone is a touchy and controversial topic in NA/AA, most disapprove of m. maintenance and benzodiazepines, are ex junkies who secretly crave them, or are totally ignorant of the special problems it poses for the recovering addict. I need to talk to someone that knows about methadone/xanax and that i can trust. I dont even feel safe mentioning them in meetings because those are drugs of choice for some addicts and could trigger a desire to relapse using any means possible including theft, deception, or even an opportunistic "slip" from someone who means well but breaks down at the sight of my medicine cabinet. Ive seen it happen. Ive seen sponsors with years of recovery put in temptations path and months later you see them pimping out their former sponsee so they can get their fix. NA/AA help millions but I dont like meetings.There are exceptions but in general I dont like alot of the people there. I dont want to be like them. I did it for 5 years, gung ho, and relapsed armed with new ways to be a better addict from the constant war stories and descriptions of how/when/where to get stuff. I'd like to find people who are rooted in the solution rather than romanticizing the past and one-upping who did the most drugs. Anyways, sorry about the novel, I am a very expressive and overly wordy type writer, I tend to just let my flow of thoughts fall onto the page. Writing is another thing i need to get back to. Ive been in a terrible rut and feel like the drugs are stifling my creativity as well as destroying my memory. Its like i have early dementia, i cant remember names, facts, simple words, and events. If anyone out there can relate to my little hell i would like to start networking with healthy people who can share their "experience, strength and hope". BTW i hate 12 step slogans they come across as insincere especially when thats all someone does is parrot lines from the big book. I relate better to people who just keep it real and tell me how they got through it or those who are in the process like me. Doing it online and finding email buddies or whatever is at least a step in the right direction. I'm not sure if the moderators mind but just to see where I can find the most insight i am going to copy this post to other threads/topics. Thanks for listening and well wishes to all......
~kitten~
>^..^<
