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The Mega-Merged "Friends With Your Ex?" thread

spun_in_wonderland

spun_in_wonderland

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 26, 2002
Messages
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Location
Eugene, Oregon
age old question: can friends be lovers and stay true to the friendship??

*Edit: now this is a Mega-thread this first poster's question isn't necessarily current, it was just the first of a number of threads started on this topic recently. More recent topics towards the end of the thread.

General question applies: Is it possible to remain friends with your ex??* SLM


Oh how we all love the complications that result from a friends with benefits situation yes? Not even close. Here's my ridiculous situation that I beg of your opinions.

Background

Awhile back I met a beautiful boy whom I had an immediate connection and chemistry with. For quite some time he had been weaving and dipping in and out of my life on an irregular schedule as his drug business was taking precendece over all else. Yes I know, yay for me for getting involved with an unstable dealer. It's just how it goes when you can't control who you fall for.

From the beginning hanging out would including spending the night and doing just about everything besides having actual intercourse. We would see each other once or twice a week but because neither of us were in a commitment ready place we agreed to a non-exclusve dating situation. That didn't pan out for long as he ended up getting so caught up in his dealings that he dissappeared for almost a month during which I got one dreamy visit from him in the middle of the night.

Current Situation

Then one day not too long ago he decides to pop back into my life intending it to be much more permanent this time. Before where he was keeping me out of everything serious going on in his life, including the business, he now chose to divulge everything. He also decided to integrate me into his group of friends and his family and that's where we are now. We are much closer friends and our bond is constantly being strengthened. The only problem being the absolute carnal lust we have for each other. Still in the same head space as far as getting seriously involved with one another,in other words not gonna happen any time soon, but earnestly desiring to fuck. One other note on the evolution of this whole thing is that he just ducked out of the fast lane he was moving in in favor of just selling to get by, so his priorities have changed. Now to the heart of the matter...

Problem

After another heated night last night, he propositioned the idea of fwb with the possibility of leading to something more serious and committed in the future. Hmmm, let me see here...so basically we would both be having our cake and eating it too...in big yummy portions but absolutley jeopordizing our friendship with all the drama and possible unwanted emotional attatchment. Fuck! Now what? I know I've done this before and ended up the heartbreaker and even remained friends with the dear fellow but when all is said and done, it's not the same and probably never will be.

Question

So do I fulfill my appetite with something that is so natural and intrinsic to being human and just enjoy the experience, expect the worst, hope for the best, and try to ignore the drama? Or do I cut off all physicality with the gorgeous/ soul mate material man that he is and insist that it has to be like this if we want our friendship to take precedence? I could really use some outside, been there done that perspectives guys. So thanks so much for taking the time to read through all the blathering, now hopefully you will have something to say on the matter :). Peace

Solution??...
 
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If youve reached the point where you do 'everythign but' intercrouse' actually having sex is unlikely to change things much. IMO you cross the line between just friends and fwb when it gets beyond kissing.

The thing to keep in mind is sex has as much meaning as you give it. Sex between friends can be great as long as both of you understand that you are just friends and just going at it for the fun of it. Dont attach any special emotions to it and it wont get messy
 
RobertRollie said:

The thing to keep in mind is sex has as much meaning as you give it. Sex between friends can be great as long as both of you understand that you are just friends and just going at it for the fun of it. Dont attach any special emotions to it and it wont get messy
Click to expand...

couldnt of said it better myself...sex between friends is sometimes better than sex in a relationship. you both care for each other and know there is a genuine 'feeling' behind what u r doing...as long as you dont wake up the next morning with regrets or OMG what have i done...and dont get atttatched to something that you knew or had discussed was only sex between friends you should be right.:)
 
Can friends be lover and stay true to the friendship?

Yes.

And friendship and having deeper emotional attachments do NOT have to be mutually exclusive.
 
If you think its worth it, you should persue it.

It can work, but you never know. I've had fuck buddies before and they were good, but at one point or another in all of them, one of us became more attached than the other person was ready for. I think that's the downfall of friendships with these.
 
i married my bestfriend and he is still my best friend. - almost ten years strong.
 
I use to have sex with a friend and we were cool afterwards. I hate her fucking gutts now but the sex has nothing to do with it... I say hit it.
 
In October I am going to marry my best friend of 11 yrs (with benefits when he and I were both in between relationships). It can totally work out! We have been in a serious relationship with eachother for about 2+yrs now... and are still the best of friends. I can tell him ANYTHING, and I know he will always except me for who I am.
I personally think the reason we are great in a relationship together is the fact we were 'just' friends for a long time. We grew to know and understand eachother as friends before anything else came of it. I dont see us having any problems in the future. He will always be my best friend!
 
Well if the guy just dissappears for a month, and during this period you see eachother once, how important can his freindship really be? I think if the guys as hot as you seem to indicate, then go for the sex, if it ruins the freindship so be it. Personally I've never had a problem with freinds with benefits but it depends entirely on the people involved.
 
Wow such an overwhelming number of positive responses. Thank you to all who responded. I'm still in limbo about this whole thing because I'm fairly certain that attatchment issues would develop. I'm not sure whether they would come more from me, from him, or possibly from us both, but I see it as an inevitability whichever way it goes.

From the get go we have been discussing the idea of being serious in the future...but always in the distant, vague future. When he talks about a relationship he describes something that includes total devotion, loyalty, attentiveness, romance all of that good stuff and he doesn't think he can offer all of that right now. I understand where he's coming from, I mean he's one of the only guys that have a come along for a long time that I think could actually tie me down, and even still I don't feel completely ready to enter into something that has the potential to be so epic.

So I ask you this: Do you think it could work to just redifine these "guidelines" for a relationship so that not so much pressure is put on it working out? A relationship more about going with the flow, hanging out and having sex than about whether it willl last and end with us falling deeply in love? Or do you think the latter is just a given an unavoidable?

I think what it comes down to is we're both very scared of hurting each other or being hurt by the other(duh, who isn't?) and so we're extremely hesitant about taking that next step. So here are some of the facts: 1. Except for one strange incident, he has only been sexual with me for the past 4 months or so and doesn't let anyone else sleep in his bed nor does he sleep in theirs. 2. He doesn't have any other prospects he just likes the idea of keeping it open to possibility. 3. We've got that mysterious connection that is slowly been unravelled and better understood as we get closer as friends which could definitley take us somewhere.

So with all that in mind I'm afraid as much as we'd like it to be just fucking it wouldn't be just fucking. We've already speculated that if we were to start screwing it would be a regular and frequent occurence, much to the same tune as fucking like bunny rabbits all the time, everywhere. So *le sigh* What's a girl to do? Do I hold out until he realizes that we're already bordering on a relationship and decides to dive in? Or do I just have fun and risk it getting messy? Or should I cut off all physical contact and truly try and keep it platoinc and let it naturally evolve or do we try to keep things the way they are and do everything but?

(note: I understand what you guys are saying as far as we might as well be having sex, but as you can see that is the exact issue as it could make things so much more intense between us and alter the nature of our friendship)

Thanks again for reading all the way through my gobbledy gook, I do appreciate the advice. Peace.
 
WhatAnOddGuy: That has been one of my main reasons for not letting him have all of me. I'm still wondering if he deserves to have me so completely at this point. He has been absolutely wonderful about calling and hanging out on a regular basis recently and just to elaborate a little on the dissappearing for a month thing...he decided to tweak out for awhile and he wasn't letting any of his friends see him during that time. Everyone knew what was going on he just wouldn't admit it till after the binging. I neglected to give these details earlier only because I didn't want people assuming that he's a crazy speed freak (no offense to anyone on BL), he's certainly crazy but more stable than that. I must admit I was worried for a time but there turned out to be no addiction there to keep him in it's clutches. So basically he's in the process of proving himself to me just as a friend, and so far so good. I never ask people to prove themselves to me as I believe in live and let live but he did jerk me around for awhile there so it has become a neccessary behavior in order for me to build trust in him. Make sense or do you still think men should have one and only one chance?
 
I personally can't fathom getting myself into a relationship of mutual attraction on the mind and body level and still maintaining my emotional distance.

When I'm with someone, it's because I chose them out of everyone else. There is no question of whether there will be an attachment because it's there whether I like it or not. I wish I had a on/off switch for shit like this, but that's not the way it works.


But maybe you will have a relationship and not even know it. I mean, even in a FWB deal, if you both are crazy over one-another, then what separates it from a regular relationship?
 
i started off with a big spiel about my situation then realised i could paraphrase it with something like this:

if you decide not to try, you'll always be raked with doubt as to what could have been. go with your heart and not your head.
 
i was once involved with a guy who was my best friend. we had been friends for over a year, and we both knew we had a crush on eachother, but one of us was always involved with someone else. finally, we were both single and the time was right. after a couple of weeks, we mutually decided it wasnt working out, and we became just friends again. this arrangement worked out fine until he became interested in some other girl. she found out about us and wouldnt let him speak to me anymore. i still wonder if we would have still been friends if we hadnt gotten together
 
my greatest relationships have been with girls i've been friends with long before we started dating. i'm also happy to say that i'm still good friends with them even after breaking up (for whatever reasons).

when you date a friend (a really close friend that is), it's like you've been dating for the whole time you've been friends, but now you're adding a deeper emotional attachment to the mix, i think it flows well because of that. along the same lines, when you end up dating a friend, it's not usually something planned, it just happens. so, in that regard, don't force something that's not there.

good luck!
 
liquidocean and I are best friends and lovers all in one beautiful soulmate package....

I see our relationship growing more and more every day as we constantly work with each other, never against each other, to accomplish common goals.
It's a beautiful thing, albeit difficult to find.
libs
 
Being friends with your ex

Right, bit of a long one. I'm a tad fucked up at the moment so bear with me;

Early last year I split with my fiancee (Emma), we'd both made all these plans together and felt like we were "the one" for each other but we had some big arguments and split. She fucked me over a little bit moneywise and I harboured a load of bitterness for ages. I still love her and she's still my best friend but we fell out for the best part of a year. It's kind of like when someone in your family does something that disappoints you, you still love them but it takes a little while to get over it. Both of us we're destroyed over us breaking up, I thought it was just me but I've since found out through mutual friends that she was a state too.

I started seeing one of my friends (K) a couple of months later and it was initially just for a bit of fun. Anyway, we both ended up falling for each other but it was really confusing for me because I was still in love with Emma. After about 6 months me and K decided to call it a day, I'd developed a bit of a drinking problem, and it started to make things a bit tense. I really did love K but I was never over Emma and I'm still not, I think I was drinking because I was confused and a little bit guilty about still having those feelings about Emma. I still have feelings for K but it's definately over for good.

When me and K split up, I was pretty upset and the first person I called was Emma, not because I wanted to get back with her but because she's still the person who knows me best and I needed to talk to someone who really knows me.

This was 3 months ago and since that night I've not had a sip of alcohol and since I called her that night it's got back to just like it used to be with Emma (except we're not together), we see each other all the time, have a really good friendship, talk like we used to etc. I'm really happy that we've got that back. She even apologised about the money thing without me bringing it up.

I love spending time with her but when we go home I always feel empty because she's not there. I can tell she still loves me, I definately still love her and I think we both feel like we're meant to be together, but I don't think either of us want to get back together because neither of us want to get hurt like that again. I definately don't want to back away because I really missed her when we fell out but at the same time I don't want to get hurt again.

Now, my question is, do you think that two people who once had a very strong relationship and still both have feelings for each other can be friends or do you think that it'll progress back to being in a relationship if we continue to see each other?

Cheers,

Craig
 
I can say that being friends with the ex is a good thing, but still being a little bit "in love" with them is not. I don't really know if I have any advice or any suggestions what you should do in your situation because I'm in a similar one and I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing or how to takeit.

I'm still friends with my ex. Not too long ago I was trying to help him find a new girl. End of last month we hooked up after a couple of drinks (okay...a LOT of drinks) but both of us didn't see it as a mistake. We didn't regret it. I'm a bit tentative because I know we're not good for each other, but I know we both still have feelings for each other. I'll always love him, but I'm in a precarious situation where I feel like if I fall back IN love I'll be in trouble, fall even harder which leads to getting hurt even more if we break up again.

I know what you mean. I have a great time with my ex, but I know for a fact we weren't meant to be together.

To answer your question, I do think it's possible for ex's to be freinds without it progressing back into a relationship, but I think there needs to be a lot of time and separation before you can have that without any real messiness. I think that the fact you say "We both feel we were meant to be together" will make being "just friends" with her even harder. If you both feel strongly about each other in that way, not being together will be painful to some extent.

It's hard. :( I have no real advice cause I feel like I'm in the same situation currently and it's quite confusing.
 
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I think it's hard to be friends with your ex, but it can work and be a great friendship as well. In your case though, especially at this time, I don't think it would be a healthy decision for you. Having thoughts such as believing you were meant for each other, definately is not a basis of a friendship and will confuse you more in the future.

Yeah it's hard, and a lot of us have had similar situations. But it really depends on the specifics and the people involved inmo. Mine was a bit different because she was over me, but i wasn't over her. I was extremely confused and went through an emotional rollercoaster during those times. A lot of things still confuse me about that relationship during those months; but we are past that now and are good friends, after a couple fights, a couple nights of re-hooking up, and a couple of months away from each other. Id say the time off helped heal most wounds, although all were never fully healed because of the way it was handled.

In any case, I agree with sweetpea on that you can't have those kinds of feelings for them if you want a healthy friendship. Therefore my advice is either pursue her for the purpose of finding a new beginning to your relationship, or take some time away from her to fully heal and allow her to do the same before attempting to form a platonic friendship.
 
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