The loneliness of recovery

[augustusgloop]

This is my first time discussing my sobriety, and it’s gotten to a point where I need to reach out and put my experience out there because what I’m confronting now, and what I certainly didn’t expect to confront, is the overwhelming loneliness I’ve experienced since starting to recover. My background is that I’m a drug and alcohol abuser, and have been for maybe 5 years, with particular emphasis on drug abuse in the last 2 years. I drank to blackout, partied for 4 days straight and ‘recovered’ for 3, rinse, repeat. I have abused every kind of drug available and often simultaneously, ultimately leading to higher highs and to me injecting meth and mdma frequently in the last 6 months of my ongoing party.

I know now why I stopped, but at the time, in May 2016, quite out of nowhere, I suddenly saw what I was doing and wave after wave of crushing horror and sadness hit me. I’ve since been exploring why I engaged in such self-destructive behaviour, and have made some really healthy progress in that department (though I recognise it’s a possibly life-long ongoing process), but at the time I just shut myself off entirely from the world and went through probably the worst 6-8 weeks of my entire life, in isolation. I stopped everything – smoking tobacco, meth, partying, socialising, drinking, even caffeine, and holy dooly it sucked. I’m sure people here can agree. No one in my life understands. Partly because I haven’t opened up about it, and partly because I continue to be surrounded by the very people who I partied with, and who are still in that frame of mind. And that brings me to my current problem – the loneliness of it all.

In June 2016, in kind of a haze of self-loathing, and physical and emotional pain, I re-enrolled at uni and have since been studying from July. I was worried about the kind of pressure I was putting on myself and the fear of relapse, but I got through it and it’s been excellent. However, I continue to feel intense anxiety about sometimes absolutely nothing. I like to socialise, but on one hand I feel like washed up garbage, completely beneath the other students, and on the other hand, I can’t engage with them at all because they’re young and I just can’t seem to relate to them, nor they to me. Not only have I gone through something really intense, I’m still going through it, and it’s often all I can think about.

It makes me feel very isolated. My anxiety is magnified exponentially in my home environment. I live with someone who still parties, and he brings the party home, and in doing so, brings all the friends/enablers that I surrounded myself with in previous years. They’re all I know, and though they care about my wellbeing, they are in my home drinking to get drunk, blasting music til midnight when they hit the club to get high til dawn, then they’ll kick on at someone’s house for who knows how long, doing drugs to keep it all alive. The dealer is at my house at least once a week.

I keep to myself in my room, reminding myself I’m strong and content, but it is so, so hard. I still get invited to things, social things, but these people are consumed by their addiction, and it’s all they talk about – which party is happening, who did what, how high they got, what sort of messed up sexual experience they had while out of their mind. I want so much more out of my life, and yet every time I reject them, I feel so lonely and sad.

In fact, even just last night around midnight someone I care about who was drinking in the garden asked to come into my room. Tears streaming down their face, they just had an existential crisis and wanted to kill themself. No one outside was allowed to see this ‘weakness’, and I consoled them as best I could. I know that their abuse of drugs contributes massively to these extremes of emotion and the depths of depression, but what can I say? I just have to watch as everyone I know implodes. My boyfriend is also a part of that group. While he has a full time job and isn’t as heavily involved, he’ll still choose the party over me, staying up for two days and thinking that we can hang out while he’s coming down. I don’t expect other people to change their behaviour, but I can’t help feeling sad and second-rate because of it. I also never expected that I could feel so distant and alone when someone I love is beside me.

I so desperately want healthy, life-reaffirming interactions with sober people, but I just don’t know how to find it. I keep myself busy, I’ve never been so satisfied with my personal progress (though I know I should also seek professional help at some point) but I honestly just don’t know what to do about this loneliness. I stopped my self destructive behaviours but I’m not strong enough to endure the addiction consuming the people I considered my friends, nor even being reminded of it casually. I also self-sabotage putting myself out there, because my self-esteem is still so low. I know there’s a light at the end of this tunnel, even if it means learning to love the solitude, but for now it’s hard, and I hope someone here can relate or just understand. Sorry this was so long, I just needed to talk about it to literally anyone.

 

[simco]

Hi... First off, welcome to BL; we're glad you're here! Second, HUGE congratulations on your sobriety. That's a damned impressive accomplishment you've made.

I think you'll find that a lot of folks on Sober Living (SL) share the loneliness you've described. I know I do. Unfortunately, loneliness is one of the worst aspects of both addiction and (often) recovery. To combat the loneliness, certainly there are concrete things we can do to our lives--I'll mention a few in just a moment. But I thought I'd just mention that for me personally, getting active on SL has put a huge dent in my own loneliness. There are a lot of really good people here. Just keep writing about how you're feeling so we can help to support you.

As for other options, a couple of things come to mind.

Have you considered doing any kind of volunteer work for an organization or cause that you care about? Volunteering can, in and of itself, be helpful as we dig out from the loneliness of addiction. Doesn't have to be lots of hours per week or anything. Just enough to get you into contact with people and a common cause.

A second idea is easy to point out but probably hard to change in reality. It strikes me that you're making things hard on yourself by running with and living with your old crew. Frankly, it's testament to your resolve and skill that you were able to stay clean through what you've described. But as you point out, it sounds pretty lonely. Have you given any thought to finding a different living arrangement?

My last thought: have you tried any of the recovery support groups out there? AA and NA are certainly the most available. But there are other groups such as SMART Recovery and Refuge Recovery that offer alternatives. You'll find that there are very conflicting opinions on SL about AA/NA, and I'm quite conflicted about them myself. But I will say that getting active in NA has really helped my own feelings of loneliness. I'm certainly not saying that you should go right out and join up with a group...that's highly personal. But they are out there, and despite many shortcomings, I believe they can be helpful for the kind of feelings you've described.

Keep us up to date, and good luck!
Sim

 

[augustusgloop]

Thank you for your considered response. It's very good advice to seek volunteer work, I'm going to try and find something I could offer my time to. Despite working on my personal growth and development, it's the sense of community that I crave. I've read so many studies on how it's the lack of community or the lack of a sense of purpose, or of not having a role to play in society that can lead to addictive behaviours, and having recognised that, I think it's important to seek out healthy ways to create that sense of purpose.

I have to say that even typing out my feelings and experiences, and having read other people's experiences on here, the burden has already eased somewhat. I've just this morning started looking at sharehouses with vacancies, so hopefully I can move on from all of this soon. It's kind of confronting though that the time and money that I've wasted in the past is in a way locking me in place. I just don't have the financial freedom to leave or find work when I need to. It sucks. It's incredibly self-pitying but I can't help but see this house, the friends who come over, and my bf as remnants of the past, and I resent that I have to separate from it all and feel the weight and the responsibility of the impact that will have. It feels like an ongoing punishment. I know it’s important and it’s no use feeling resentful and it’ll be good in the long run and all that, I’m just cranky about it lol.

 

[simco]

Yes, I find that the simple act of writing stuff out on BL is therapeutic.

I hope you have/had a great day!