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the KID issue..help like NOW

P

piebald

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 31, 2010
Messages
403
Location
new england
so im divorced, 35 year old woman, ive been dating a guy for a little over a year with two kids and an ex girlfriend thats nothing but drama and trouble. that situation alone has been enough to give me pause. Do i want to deal with the fact that his ex will forever be in his life(thus my life)? He has split custody and has the kids weekends and 3 evenings a week..we live togehter. So,i really do love him but i would like to have a child someday, i have lost two pregnancies to mis-carriage and know for sure that someday(not now..but im not getting any younger) i want a child of my own. He adamantly does NOT want another child, nor does he ever want to get married...again; im not a psycho desperate old hag who wants kids and a husband right now, but it is something i want for myself. He wants NO part of any more children. I know this is somewhat juvenille but i feel like "so he had two kids with this miserable bitch? but im not good enough?
Is this one of those things where i should just walk now, knowing that we both want different things..or should i stick with it? If im 42 and still with him and childless i dont want to end up resenting him in anyway. His answer is always "i love you and want you to be happy so if you want a child im not the person for you" but in every other aspect we are totally perfect for each other. So what are my options? i stay with him and watch him raise his kids and wish for my own and resent him? or i leave and find someone whom i wont love as much and stay with them just to have a child?
No idea what to do...advice?
 
Don't marry him. If you want children, they are too huge to miss. You still have time to meet a great partner and have them. But you have to start being single now.

Don't listen to anything he says, because he may tell you what you want to hear but he has not changed. He is who he is, and his situation is what it is. And those are not the right ones for you. Tell him goodbye and good luck without delay.

But also don't be in a rush. Don't size up your dates constantly as a good or poor marriage partner, be a list maker, or be desperate.

Do get out there and have fun and meet people. And good luck on this new journey! :)
 
^ damnit. i was hoping for a less "hit the nail on the head" response. just close this fucking thread already. I'm packing my shit
 
johnny im not in a rush but i do know how fast time flies. I was with the same person for almost 8 years. i never thought we would divorce and we did. that, on top of other personal stuff, forced me to sort of "start over". Im not rushing but im not being naive, i know that time flies and for a woman that "time" is limited in terms of having a child. im 35..if i dont address this and just "go with the flow" i may end up 43 and not HAVE that chance to have a child. Im not trying to be over-analytical im just experienced enough to know that without acknowledging this issue i may be in the same position again... when its to late.
 
Why do you want to have a child?

To satisfy something in you? Or because you think the child will be glad to be alive and grateful to be brought into the world?

I'm against human reproduction in general - so it's not meant as a personal judgement, but as an old man I've seen a lot of negatives associated with the trend towards reproducing at an older age. You will be really starting to feel your age by the time your child is a teenager even if you gave birth tomorrow. Throw in the increased risk for problems with children born to older mothers AND fathers and the much greater cultural disconnect/generation gap that results and there are a lot of downsides.

But even if you were 21 I'd suggest you reconsider. The world is going downhill VERY rapidly in most every way. If you are already wealthy then your child may have a decent future in the plastic land that is taking over, but if not things are looking pretty bleak for most of the world's population. Why not spare the child a life of diminished expectations and ever greater restrictions of freedom and just live your life helping and loving children and other people already forced to be on this planet??

All that aside I think your current situation will only frustrate and embitter you. Move on whether you choose to have a child or not. Good luck....
 
sockpuppet said:
All that aside I think your current situation will only frustrate and embitter you. Move on whether you choose to have a child or not. Good luck....
Click to expand...

+99

if you're sure about what you want..then you need to be w/someone on the same page..
w/o that..comes regret later...
 
piebald said:
Is this one of those things where i should just walk now, knowing that we both want different things..If im 42 and still with him and childless i dont want to end up resenting him in anyway... So what are my options? i stay with him and watch him raise his kids and wish for my own and resent him?
Click to expand...

I think you know the answer, it's just whether you can do the right thing (for both of you - he also deserves a partner who won't resent him for the rest of his life or pressure him into having more children).
 
If you can find a way to make peace with the fact that you will never have children then stay in the relationship. If the answer is that you are certain that you want children then end it now because you'll be stuck in a relationship which has reached its peak. You are the only one who knows the answer to the question.
 
piebald said:
^ damnit. i was hoping for a less "hit the nail on the head" response. just close this fucking thread already. I'm packing my shit
Click to expand...

I'm sorry to have been so blunt, pb, but you described such a clear situation that it was the only response possible. Not only is it obvious to almost anyone reading it (and even though it's hard to see things from the middle of it, if you read what you posted analytically, you'll see from your statements and verbiage that you know the score, too), but I've seen this happen with two women I know well and it's downright painful. One will never have kids because of it and is exhausted from dealing with his daughters, and the other is cool with the daughters but in big danger of no kids (and she would make a great mother). Also, as a guy, I understand how guys can justify letting a woman spend years with us despite knowing that they need to be with someone else. We are honest with our intentions, and thus let it be their decision, even though we know that they may not be able to extricate themselves from our hook.

piebald said:
johnny im not in a rush but i do know how fast time flies. I was with the same person for almost 8 years. i never thought we would divorce and we did. that, on top of other personal stuff, forced me to sort of "start over". Im not rushing but im not being naive, i know that time flies and for a woman that "time" is limited in terms of having a child. im 35..if i dont address this and just "go with the flow" i may end up 43 and not HAVE that chance to have a child. Im not trying to be over-analytical im just experienced enough to know that without acknowledging this issue i may be in the same position again... when its to late.
Click to expand...

Then you have to start now. But - seriously - you have time. Not time enough to go slowly. But time enough to get out there, in various channels (friends-of-friends, joining groups that you have a passion for, work/career/educational events, hanging out in places where compatible guys might be, etc.) and just have fun and meet people. If you meet a guy you like *who is in a position to settle down and start a family,* give it a month, just dating with no agenda, and if it doesn't have potential after that, move on. And work out, work on yourself, dress well, be happy, and all that good other stuff too, to the extent it's practical. Lastly, refine your criteria for a partner: solid character and good father potential > most other traits.
 
I think you should move on. An important issue like this, I doubt your bf will change his mind.
 
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