smackncheese
Bluelighter
Good evening, BL. This has been one of those wretched weeks that started off on an aum and ended up in an ugh. I feel dangerously weighted down with anxiety at the moment and I need to get it off my chest before I completely lose it. This is a long, agonizing, depressing post, so read at your own risk. I almost don't know where to begin. I suppose my weightiest emotional burden is that seemingly out of nowhere, I am getting repeatedly caught up in the claws of the justice system by way of weak-sauce petty ass tickets. Now, you might be thinking, "Hey, that's not so bad, man.. at least they're just misdemeanor tickets." Those tickets add up very fast. Practically no one that has a police record has just one charge.Once a person gets one foot in the jail cell, it's harder than hell to get back out. The cops/court system will, from that moment on, no longer be lenient with you about anything, and thereafter forms the epic downhill slope known as 'The System.'
It began a couple months ago with a Denver officer slapping me with public consumption in a park for a beer that belonged to someone I happened to be randomly sitting with. Like the dumbass I am, I let it go to a warrant because I didn't want to do the 2 days in jail, since I still had a significant dope habit at the time and was terrified of kicking in a cell. Well, I was hung over all kinds the morning after Halloween, so I was thrilled when my friends rang me up and asked me to go downtown with them and cop some tar. Everything was going beautifully.. then out of nowhere, my friend's truck ran out of gas just as we were getting out of the downtown area. We didn't have more than a dollar on us, so we had to push the truck into a gas station and beg people for gas money. We got 5 bucks, which was at least enough to start the truck, and I was more than ready to leave and go elsewhere so the cops didn't get called. We had the engine started and everything, and out of the blue, my friend stopped the truck and pleaded with me to ask one more guy, just to be completely safe about the gas issue, I suppose. I went along with it and did it, and what do you know!?.. the officer that gave me the alcohol ticket showed up and cuffed me right away. He arrested one of the two buddies that I was riding with and found syringes on his person, so naturally they took the liberty of searching the vehicle. I now have a misdemeanor charge for possession of an injection device , which they didn't even let me know about until the day I was released from jail. I could have just done the time all at once, but now I have to go back and do more fucking time at the end of this month because I know I won't have the kind of dough to pay a fine like that.![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Even worse yet: I handed the phone I share with my boyfriend to my buddy that owned the truck, since they let him go clean, God knows why. He was supposed to return the phone to my boyfriend that afternoon and has never since appeared. He's turned the phone off so no one can get ahold of him on it. Apparently my boyfriend had spoken to him on it, and he said he would drop it off, but yet when my bf said he would just come by and pick it up from him instead, he got all shady and insisted on bringing it by or nothing. I don't know his number since it's in my phone, and I don't know where he lives. My bf has been trying to call the one person this 'friend' of mine and I know mutually, but it's been a fruitless effort each time. That phone is one of the few really important things I had left in life. I have no one's numbers anymore, and no one has a way to get ahold of me. It's been truly crazy-making going through harrowing times such as this and yet having no phone to communicate with the people I need in my life. I've known this guy since high school, and I never took him for a spiteful son of a bitch who would jack my phone. He better have been hit by a fucking bus or something and be in a coma and therefore not returning the phone, because frankly, if I see him around, I might be more than just a little butt-hurt.
It gets better! When I got out the other day, I ran into a friend of mine in the park and went to hang out with her. She has a lot of very serious mental issues, so she and I had a nasty fallout a bit ago over her ridiculous threats and psychotic black-out fits of rage. She seemed to be doing better, so I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and hang out with her and go to this little hotel party thingie she had going on. I felt bad because she was very depressed and had just gotten out of a bad situation with a very sick and evil man, and I figured maybe she needed a hand up and perhaps I could help. I have this pathetic tendency to overly care about many people I've befriended, regardless of their oft shitty attitudes, and my loyalty never fails to leave me hung out to dry. To make a long story short, she ended up smoking meth, having a psychotic break as a result, and completely freaking out on me. One of her friends had to hijack me from her hotel room. I tried to take off and go for a walk, and she started waving around a knife and told me she'd stab me if I left the room. So I went on a walk with him. It was cold out, so he got this wild hair up his ass to go into this closed office building. I didn't think the building was open and was trying to discourage the whole thing, but we ended up going in anyway. Sure enough, the janitor called the cops, and I have a trespassing ticket now!!
Funny, I was just walking down the stairwell to leave, and I realized I had a dart in my pocket, which I stuck in my shoe quickly. Good thing I did, because once again I got patted down. At least I did one thing right. Three times now I've gotten myself tangled up in trouble because of stupid people being stupid and my choice to be stupid along side them. After all of the crazy shit I did strung out on junk, it's a sick joke that bad stuff is happening all of the sudden now that I've been trying to clean up my life a bit.
Halloween was a complete bust, too. I ended up accidentally getting too drunk too early. For me, that meant spending my evening passed out on the floor and missing the dubstep party all my friends ended up going to once they realized I was down for the count.
I hope things get better soon. I don't know what to do right now. I get easily overwhelmed and lose focus, which keeps me relapsing every time I try to get clean, which keeps me in the addictive cycle forever and ever and ever and a day.
Cheers, and here's to better days, folks. Sorry for the long post. I needed to vent.
It began a couple months ago with a Denver officer slapping me with public consumption in a park for a beer that belonged to someone I happened to be randomly sitting with. Like the dumbass I am, I let it go to a warrant because I didn't want to do the 2 days in jail, since I still had a significant dope habit at the time and was terrified of kicking in a cell. Well, I was hung over all kinds the morning after Halloween, so I was thrilled when my friends rang me up and asked me to go downtown with them and cop some tar. Everything was going beautifully.. then out of nowhere, my friend's truck ran out of gas just as we were getting out of the downtown area. We didn't have more than a dollar on us, so we had to push the truck into a gas station and beg people for gas money. We got 5 bucks, which was at least enough to start the truck, and I was more than ready to leave and go elsewhere so the cops didn't get called. We had the engine started and everything, and out of the blue, my friend stopped the truck and pleaded with me to ask one more guy, just to be completely safe about the gas issue, I suppose. I went along with it and did it, and what do you know!?.. the officer that gave me the alcohol ticket showed up and cuffed me right away. He arrested one of the two buddies that I was riding with and found syringes on his person, so naturally they took the liberty of searching the vehicle. I now have a misdemeanor charge for possession of an injection device , which they didn't even let me know about until the day I was released from jail. I could have just done the time all at once, but now I have to go back and do more fucking time at the end of this month because I know I won't have the kind of dough to pay a fine like that.
Even worse yet: I handed the phone I share with my boyfriend to my buddy that owned the truck, since they let him go clean, God knows why. He was supposed to return the phone to my boyfriend that afternoon and has never since appeared. He's turned the phone off so no one can get ahold of him on it. Apparently my boyfriend had spoken to him on it, and he said he would drop it off, but yet when my bf said he would just come by and pick it up from him instead, he got all shady and insisted on bringing it by or nothing. I don't know his number since it's in my phone, and I don't know where he lives. My bf has been trying to call the one person this 'friend' of mine and I know mutually, but it's been a fruitless effort each time. That phone is one of the few really important things I had left in life. I have no one's numbers anymore, and no one has a way to get ahold of me. It's been truly crazy-making going through harrowing times such as this and yet having no phone to communicate with the people I need in my life. I've known this guy since high school, and I never took him for a spiteful son of a bitch who would jack my phone. He better have been hit by a fucking bus or something and be in a coma and therefore not returning the phone, because frankly, if I see him around, I might be more than just a little butt-hurt.
It gets better! When I got out the other day, I ran into a friend of mine in the park and went to hang out with her. She has a lot of very serious mental issues, so she and I had a nasty fallout a bit ago over her ridiculous threats and psychotic black-out fits of rage. She seemed to be doing better, so I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and hang out with her and go to this little hotel party thingie she had going on. I felt bad because she was very depressed and had just gotten out of a bad situation with a very sick and evil man, and I figured maybe she needed a hand up and perhaps I could help. I have this pathetic tendency to overly care about many people I've befriended, regardless of their oft shitty attitudes, and my loyalty never fails to leave me hung out to dry. To make a long story short, she ended up smoking meth, having a psychotic break as a result, and completely freaking out on me. One of her friends had to hijack me from her hotel room. I tried to take off and go for a walk, and she started waving around a knife and told me she'd stab me if I left the room. So I went on a walk with him. It was cold out, so he got this wild hair up his ass to go into this closed office building. I didn't think the building was open and was trying to discourage the whole thing, but we ended up going in anyway. Sure enough, the janitor called the cops, and I have a trespassing ticket now!!
Funny, I was just walking down the stairwell to leave, and I realized I had a dart in my pocket, which I stuck in my shoe quickly. Good thing I did, because once again I got patted down. At least I did one thing right. Three times now I've gotten myself tangled up in trouble because of stupid people being stupid and my choice to be stupid along side them. After all of the crazy shit I did strung out on junk, it's a sick joke that bad stuff is happening all of the sudden now that I've been trying to clean up my life a bit.Halloween was a complete bust, too. I ended up accidentally getting too drunk too early. For me, that meant spending my evening passed out on the floor and missing the dubstep party all my friends ended up going to once they realized I was down for the count.
I hope things get better soon. I don't know what to do right now. I get easily overwhelmed and lose focus, which keeps me relapsing every time I try to get clean, which keeps me in the addictive cycle forever and ever and ever and a day.
Cheers, and here's to better days, folks. Sorry for the long post. I needed to vent.
It sounds to me like you need better friends and influences in your life. Stick with your intuition, and don't do stuff that seems stupid. The trick to The Game is being overly cautious and sticking mostly to yourself. Don't do anything like trespassing or whatnot -- that's looking for trouble.
