Niko54
Greenlighter
I was in 8th grade when I did ecstasy for the first time. I was so high that I walked into oncoming traffic on Pacific Coast Highway before being pulled off of the road by a girl I liked. It was one of the most incredible things I've ever experienced. I can only rationally quantify it by assuming the reason it was so incredible is because I felt the effects of the drug compounded with that innate wonder and lust for life that you only feel when you're a child. I didn't want to die. In fact, it was the exact opposite; I felt invincible.
I think that experience "broke" my brain.
After that, for as long as I can remember, I'd get this feeling; the only way I can describe it is "bottoming out". I'd feel absolutely miserable, anxious and undeniably suicidal for, get this: 10-15 seconds. Then I'd snap out of it. I disregarded it for years, thinking it was something temporary that'd fix itself. I carried on living a typical high schooler's life. Parties, social drinking, rarely any drug use - until I was 16. That's when I tried cocaine.
Cocaine became a casual thing for me, but I truly disliked the comedown. Fun, but not for me. Next.
All of the sudden I was 20. That's when I discovered Norco. I was still "bottoming out" regularly, but Norco helped. It started out as another casual indulgence. But quickly took a turn and became the story we all know and love/hate: it became my crutch. I was a fully functioning addict, featuring all the terrible things that come along with it. Except no one had any idea outside of my dealer and a single friend.
Here I am, 9 years later. I've been off Norco for 90 days. I didn't go to rehab, I didn't tell anyone; I simply stopped for the first, and hopefully, last time. (Loperamide was, in fact, a wonder drug for me. Feel free to DM or ask for more info on how I integrated this into my routine.)
I still drink. I haven't "bottomed out" since quitting (although I know it's coming) but I am depressed, anxious, and constantly having drastic mood swings that scare the people close to me. I've tried Zoloft to no avail, and I'm terrified of Benzos as I feel like I may like them too much. I don't think SSRI's and SNRI's are an option for me, as my career is creativity-based and everyone I know that has been prescribed antidepressants have had all of their creativity sucked right out of them, as I did with Zoloft. That, and I couldn't even get out of bed while taking them.
I feel trapped. I'm writing this is to see if anyone else out there has felt something similar to "bottoming out", and how they've dealt with those intermittent, but severe changes in mood like I have, in addition to the debilitating depression and anxiety that sets in after a decade of abusing prescription painkillers.
Any advice is much appreciated.
I think that experience "broke" my brain.
After that, for as long as I can remember, I'd get this feeling; the only way I can describe it is "bottoming out". I'd feel absolutely miserable, anxious and undeniably suicidal for, get this: 10-15 seconds. Then I'd snap out of it. I disregarded it for years, thinking it was something temporary that'd fix itself. I carried on living a typical high schooler's life. Parties, social drinking, rarely any drug use - until I was 16. That's when I tried cocaine.
Cocaine became a casual thing for me, but I truly disliked the comedown. Fun, but not for me. Next.
All of the sudden I was 20. That's when I discovered Norco. I was still "bottoming out" regularly, but Norco helped. It started out as another casual indulgence. But quickly took a turn and became the story we all know and love/hate: it became my crutch. I was a fully functioning addict, featuring all the terrible things that come along with it. Except no one had any idea outside of my dealer and a single friend.
Here I am, 9 years later. I've been off Norco for 90 days. I didn't go to rehab, I didn't tell anyone; I simply stopped for the first, and hopefully, last time. (Loperamide was, in fact, a wonder drug for me. Feel free to DM or ask for more info on how I integrated this into my routine.)
I still drink. I haven't "bottomed out" since quitting (although I know it's coming) but I am depressed, anxious, and constantly having drastic mood swings that scare the people close to me. I've tried Zoloft to no avail, and I'm terrified of Benzos as I feel like I may like them too much. I don't think SSRI's and SNRI's are an option for me, as my career is creativity-based and everyone I know that has been prescribed antidepressants have had all of their creativity sucked right out of them, as I did with Zoloft. That, and I couldn't even get out of bed while taking them.
I feel trapped. I'm writing this is to see if anyone else out there has felt something similar to "bottoming out", and how they've dealt with those intermittent, but severe changes in mood like I have, in addition to the debilitating depression and anxiety that sets in after a decade of abusing prescription painkillers.
Any advice is much appreciated.
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