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the breakup phenomenon

kytnism

kytnism

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ive noticed in many threads in SLR where a situation described by the OP could be alternatively dealt with/resolved, a consensus of people have suggested that the best option for the OP is to break it off with their S/O immediately. im curious as to why that seems to be a common theme or solution to problems within relationships today? and if that has anything to do with divorce/separation levels increasing since the early 80's and or us becoming a more disposable society both materially and socially? does the rise of technology and us becoming more impersonal in our relationships and using alternative means of communicating detach us from our emotions and retard us in connecting with others in healthy manners? there are many factors that can be questioned that could possibly be contributing to us being a less emotionally tolerant society in love. id love to hear others input and or if they agree or disagree that we tend to walk away from situations (especially those in love) more easily in this generation; and why you feel that could be?

...kytnism...:|
 
When people are fighting or arguing nonstop and they have nothing but problems, the best solution is often to break up. Especially abusive relationships. And relationships where someone has cheated.
There is no point in going back into a relationship where you're unhappy.
Why not find someone who you get along with better, who you don't fight with? There are TONS of people out there. I don't think it's fair for people to just "settle" for someone who is "okay". I think people should find someone who makes them happy vs. stay with someone who they don't get along with most of the time.
 
That's quite an interesting question.

I actually think it's got a lot to do with globalisation and with the physical boundaries shrinking. We can go anywhere we want, we can travel to the other end of the world and meet people with a few clicks...and the combination of that & how materialistic our societies have become incline us to make the least possible efforts in our relationships - and our lives in general - because we feel like there will always be new opportunities just around the corner. I feel like we've become completely dependant on a need for instant gratification and aren't willing to work for what we want anymore (I'm excluding professional lives from this), just because, when it comes to material wishes, it's become so ridiculously easy for us to get what we want immediately.
I also think the fact it's now so easy to get a divorce inclines people to give up quickly rather than fight for their marriage, just because, well, they can. It's a shame really.

But yeah, that's how I see it. It's sad, it's like we can't tolerate difficulties and just can't be bothered to fight for something worthwhile if it doesn't please us 24/7.
 
^
My thoughts exactly. This post will merely expand on what Pagey already wrote.

If we walk away from people more easily today than we used to (which I'm not sure I agree with, but let's say it's so for the sake of argument), then I think it's only because we get together more easily than we used to. That's just my opinion.

Relationships--whether arranged or voluntary--have always had an element of the shopping list about them:
*How much does the other person make?
*Are they ambitious?
*Strong?
*Who do they know?
*Talented in or out of bed?
*Humorous?
*Good for displaying to friends and family?

It's much easier to subdivide potential prospects in this age of enhanced physical mobility, with its inescapable and increasingly sophisticated social media platforms. Finding someone who was into yoga, for instance, once relied on a combination of luck and hanging out with the right people (whether these were friends to begin with, or members of a local yoga club). If you want someone who's into yoga nowadays, any social media site (dating or otherwise) can connect you to tens of thousands of people unified in this one aspect (though some dishonestly). If you never thought humans were cheap before, it's hard to function in today's society without accepting it; in the vein of the yoga argument, I read an article recently by a man who was once so into the serial online dating scene that he said he started seeing patterns instead of people, since these people were so predictable (and he admitted that he himself was also predictable, as he kept relating the same inane stories to an endless stream of booty calls). It was that feeling of dissolution into pointless slots that ultimately made him quit, or at least back off a bit.

Five hundred channels, dozens of flavors of ice cream, a thousand places you can eat a hamburger or buy the same shirt or model of a car, and a million people whose connection to you is as tenuous as a re-tweet, FB "like", or a shared love of "Rocky Horror Picture Show". If disposability and interchangeability are possible, humans will aspire to it, because life and attention spans are short, and day-to-day interaction is something like what editors call the "slush pile".

This isn't to say lasting love is not possible, but it will always be a lot more difficult (if more rewarding) than easy come, easy go.
 
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hmm i think its a combo of shallow consumer culture- out with the old and in with the new and also its the type of problem

personally i'm not that relationship oriented but i love getting laid so my logic is often coming from the point of view that you can either take a relationship or leave it. one of my friends went from man to man for ten years until she got on the pill and then snapped out of it and has had a few since but nowhere near constant.

relationships are meant to have a mostly positive impact upon your life. if they are on off on off with lots of rows that's not positive unless you're a drama addict.

relationships to me are what you practice before you settle down. once your married that's when you really need to work at it but you really should know a person for a few years before you get married.

my mum was saying that back in the day people didn't have the internet to find affairs on and the options were not there to the same degree.

in modern life people have way too much choice and really all it does is freak you out that the grass is greener.
 
very interesting question. just gonna list some factors that i think are relevant:

-there is a selection bias that influences who posts on what thread. people will be more inclined to respond to something that they can relate to and/or feel strongly about. and if you feel strongly about a relationship problem, it's likely because you experienced it in the past as well. so you get a lot of responses to the effect of "get out now. i wish i had when this happened to me."

-the more connection you feel to someone, the harder it is to tell them things they don't want to hear. it's a lot easier to type "dude, it sounds like she's cheating on you and doesn't love you anymore" or "if he's that controlling now, it is very likely to get worse" to a stranger than to say it to a friend.

-a lot of times, things look more clear from a few steps back. when it's your SO, you're so influenced by the bonding of day-to-day proximity and interdependence that it's harder to see the larger trends in the relationship. the people giving advice aren't getting any oxytocin from the partner in question.

-a person in a relationship has a biased view of its probability of success. it's a lot easier to acknowledge the statistical likelihood that a relationship will end when it's not your relationship. this is particularly relevant in modern society, where the average age of marriage is around 27. it's obvious that you're probably going to dump and/or be dumped a few times before you find "the one."

-there's an internet tough guy element with some folks. "i would dump somebody if they did that to me" is just a different flavor of "i would have totally beat that guy's ass if i were you."

anyways, just some random thoughts i had. i'd like to think i'll edit this into something more cohesive, but life is short and so is my attention span.
 
I dunno, despite the EPIC drama Ms.G and I have had. (like WHACK shit...threats, she's hit me a few times, I responded by saying I'd fuck her up, she's cheated on me, I while not technically cheating, basically had...we where not in an "official" relationship but like, it was more serious of a relationship never the less than most people have when they say "My GF/BF")

But FUCK. I LOVE her so much, it's not even funny. She feels the same way for me. I'v never been SO happy in my life as I am now. Being with her is better than drugs, etc.

We work our shit out, no matter how bad it is. It makes me sad to see people give up so easy. Like our friends are kind of doing it right now. They're each others rangrz and Ms.G (right down to the BDSM, male physics major with a motorcycle, female life major who's a bit alt and weird, strange humor, they both are very smart and know it and as consequence they troll each other, etc...like an analog of a drug except as it's an analog of a couple.) and they're all mehr and stuff and "taking a break" and the girl is "dating" this other guy, who's really cool and all and pretty chill, but I don't think he should be her primary...maybe her secondary) and they're still sort of seeing each other (which Ms.G did to me last year) but now they had a fight and they where suppose to come to a party with us at a hotel but now only the girl is coming.

But yeah, it's sad and I wish people would just be able to be like "fucking trollololol. Well played anon, well played" when their S/O is trolling and not let it ruin their relationship.
 
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^ you and mrs g have been engaged for a length of time now.

how has that altered the dynamics of your relationship? inclusive of all social factors mentioned above; if at all?

...kytnism...:|
 
Well, we more or less live together now. Not on paper, but de facto, she's at my place 5-6 days a week.

We're "together" and we're both more serious about it. Like we still play with others, but ONLY together and it's always clear that we're together.

We fight lots less, and stuff...we worked shit out, instead of just bailing.
 
I am on the fence about this. If procreation isn't the base cause of being tied down, I don't know what is.

One can buy their way out. But the weight falls squarely on the male at this point in time still.

...shame really.
 
I just feel like, in relationships, you should be happy like at least 90% of the time - with very few arguments. Yes, arguments are going to come up. My boyfriend and I have been together three years, living together for one year. We have probably had like two or three fights where yelling was involved and then we have a small argument once in a while (maybe every couple of months). If we disagree about something, we figure it out.

With my ex, who I dated for almost three years, we argued all the time. At least once a week. Over stupid stuff. It wasn't worth it. I should have taken advice from others that it wasn't going to work out but of course I never listened :p. While my ex is a great guy, we simply weren't compatible. I'm not saying "I'm better than him" or "he's better than me" but we just weren't good for each other for an actual relationship. I think a lot of the posts on BL are like that, or worse (abusive...). I am so glad that I didn't just "settle" for someone who was a nice guy but just wasn't "right" for me. I don't see why people have to settle.

When two people are clearly not right together ... WHY waste your time? Why not move on and find someone else who you can actually be happy with?

I'm all for working things out when you have the occasional problem, that is definitely going to happen. Everyone argues, it's just how it is. But you shouldn't be arguing most of the time. But most of the people who argue occasionally are not in SLR asking for advice. It is the people who have had problems that have been going on for a while, or more serious problems, and yeah those types of things usually should end in a break up. It's best for both people involved and hopefully they can find a better, healthier relationship in the future.
 
My guess would be that a lot of people in SLR are young and inexperienced and quick to jump ship. Or they are relationship-less and want people to come down to there level.
 
bagochina said:
My guess would be that a lot of people in SLR are young and inexperienced and quick to jump ship. Or they are relationship-less and want people to come down to there level.
Click to expand...

what solid relationship advice would you offer to a younger/wiser version of you in lieu of jumping ship; granted the opportunity?

...kytnism...:|
 
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