I am so disgusted and sickened by myself that its almost unbearable. My latest relapse consisted of a 2 year H run where at my worst IVed 2-3 buns a day. Not sure how other people break it down but on the east coast by buns, bricks and sleeves. 10 bags per bun, 5 buns per brick, 10 bricks per sleeve. Dont know in terms of grams but anyhow its a big expensive habit i had. My problem is that i wiped out all of my money from my retirement acct and didn't pay the right amount of taxes while doing it. So now i owe the irs and i am scared. I literally blew 125,000 bucks on top of my paychecjs and alimony. I owe money everywhere bc i wasnt paying my bills either. What do i do and where do i start to try and fix this. Its so overwhelming and i cant go to anyone for help. Tomorrow will mark my 1st week in mmt and i am doing better as far as that goes but the backlash from my run is waiting for me and there's nowhere to run. Christmas next month certainly doesn't help either! How do i undig myself from this hole i made? Any words of wisdom or advice on how to pick up the pieces, stay strong and stay clean with all the stress i single handedly brought upon myself? I am just so scared.
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The backlash from a 2 year H run is sickening
- Thread starter My3sons
- Start date
dude, sometimes we gotta just be ok with the fact that we kind of fucked things up big time..... forgive yourself and get geared up to get the work done to make this all right... it will be hard but i know you can find a way. i believe in you
Ok, think about this. The IRS will almost always negotiate and agree to a payment plan. Have you tax preparer er or accountant call them. The same is true of alimony-some payment is better than none. Child support is non-negotiable. And all three type of debt I just described don't get wiped out when you file bankruptcy.
Making these arrangements will do what you need most-buy you the time to get comfortable with sobriety. I know it seems like an avalanche, but if you start working at it a few items at a time, you really can get through it with less stress.
Making these arrangements will do what you need most-buy you the time to get comfortable with sobriety. I know it seems like an avalanche, but if you start working at it a few items at a time, you really can get through it with less stress.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
OP, this is one of those times in life where adopting the techniques of mindfulness could really help you. You are living in a scary situation and feeling overwhelmed and bombarded not to mention the guilt you are experiencing for the actions that got you here. It is human nature to start projecting worry out in front of you in the future while staying stuck in the actions of the past through self- judgment and shame. But, if you can free yourself from that trap you will be able to calmly take the series of small steps needed to lead you through the mess and back into an easier time. Get some books , invest in a couplke of therapy sessions with a therapist trained to teach the concepts or even better enroll in a class through your local hospital or community center (it's currently a fad--thus, everywhere!-- but don't let that put you off).
I am pretty anxious by nature. I have had to work very hard to try to change the habits that hold that in place. The rewards of learning acceptance and calm being as opposed to frantic overthinking and stress manufacturing has been a true lifesaver for me. I hope you find it useful. There is no right way--just let yourself absorb the concepts and make it a habit to step aside and observe your own thinking when you feel your mind revving up into anxious thinking.
One thing that could really help right now is to sit down and define what you want the holidays to mean to you. We know what the marketers want them to mean. But you are free to define what traditions you like or don't like, what meaning you derive and the source of that meaning. The stress associated with the holidays was manufactured for us by everything from retailers to dysfunctional families and internalized so deeply that we start manufacturing it for ourselves. Choose not to participate in the hype and claim whatever beauty feeds your soul.
I am pretty anxious by nature. I have had to work very hard to try to change the habits that hold that in place. The rewards of learning acceptance and calm being as opposed to frantic overthinking and stress manufacturing has been a true lifesaver for me. I hope you find it useful. There is no right way--just let yourself absorb the concepts and make it a habit to step aside and observe your own thinking when you feel your mind revving up into anxious thinking.
One thing that could really help right now is to sit down and define what you want the holidays to mean to you. We know what the marketers want them to mean. But you are free to define what traditions you like or don't like, what meaning you derive and the source of that meaning. The stress associated with the holidays was manufactured for us by everything from retailers to dysfunctional families and internalized so deeply that we start manufacturing it for ourselves. Choose not to participate in the hype and claim whatever beauty feeds your soul.
Thx guys... its so scarey being in dept to the irs! I am the one who receives the alimony which is good considering i make pennies! We all cant be lawyers or doctors. Someone needs to answer the phones and make the appt! I am the type of person who owns their own shit and did this to myself but man do i regret it! What a shitty place to find yourself once you actually find yourself again! Thanks for the kind words. Greatly needed. I am pretty emotional these days
P0kemama
Bluelighter
My first time in recovery, which was from 1999-2010, I had to re-organize my finances. I did not have issues with IRS, or any legal issues, I just had financial goals that I was excited to meet once I got clean and sober. By attending 12 step meetings, AA, NA, and Al-Anon, I was able to hear, through listening intently, those fellow recovering addicts/alcoholics who also were business savvy, and/or learned from their own financial mistakes when they were actively using.
I recommend not doing this alone! By hearing other's similar experiences and then their solutions, not only helped me avoid the shame trap, but offered solutions that were sound. By working the 12 steps, we actually address our financial concerns.
One of my best friends was an attorney who also had the IRS on his back in early recovery (he was a recovering crack addict who said he could envision his life shrinking down to the size of a shopping cart).... 10 years down the road he was debt free, had built a magnificent house, and had best of all, remained clean and sober through being of service by sponsoring those who needed to hear his experience, strength, and hope.
I recommend not doing this alone! By hearing other's similar experiences and then their solutions, not only helped me avoid the shame trap, but offered solutions that were sound. By working the 12 steps, we actually address our financial concerns.
One of my best friends was an attorney who also had the IRS on his back in early recovery (he was a recovering crack addict who said he could envision his life shrinking down to the size of a shopping cart).... 10 years down the road he was debt free, had built a magnificent house, and had best of all, remained clean and sober through being of service by sponsoring those who needed to hear his experience, strength, and hope.
just do the best you can , and ask "the almighty" , "god" , "the universe" to help you with the things beyond your own abilities to handle.... if you do the best you truly can, and then ask for a miracle in handling the remainder ..... the universe will "have your back" in the most amazing ways once you do your part
Stargazer
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 28, 2013
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OP...I have done the same thing. I blew a bit over what you did. All I had. I am and have been facing that backlash, along with feeling guilty and disgusted...and terrified. Herbivore gave great advice. Slow down, take a breath. Small steps. Nothing good comes out of panicked decisions...nothing.
Like POkemama said too, seeking out the advice and listening to the experience of others that have come back is inspiring. I believe, for the most part, I will make this a good story rather than give in to "why even try".
I know you are feeling so overwhelmed with so many feelings. Sending you a hug. Feel free to PM anytime.
Like POkemama said too, seeking out the advice and listening to the experience of others that have come back is inspiring. I believe, for the most part, I will make this a good story rather than give in to "why even try".
I know you are feeling so overwhelmed with so many feelings. Sending you a hug. Feel free to PM anytime.
OP,i dont think theres a single person out there who had a serious habit and didnt fuck things up,one way or another.Youre not alone.
Since you dont mention it in your post,i guess that at least you dont have serious health issues,which is the most important thing.
Hang in there man,its not like youll have to face it all stone cold sober,youll be on methadone which will provide you a nice "safety pillow",and as long as you stay clear of active use of the hard stuff,youll slowly get back on your feet.
Anything can be repaired as long as you dont waste every single penny you got and all your time to find your next fix.
Since you dont mention it in your post,i guess that at least you dont have serious health issues,which is the most important thing.
Hang in there man,its not like youll have to face it all stone cold sober,youll be on methadone which will provide you a nice "safety pillow",and as long as you stay clear of active use of the hard stuff,youll slowly get back on your feet.
Anything can be repaired as long as you dont waste every single penny you got and all your time to find your next fix.