you aren't wrong, and i will tend to agree with your post. however, i don't figure that i will get better by doing these things. the whole point of this is not really to induce BD if stop kidding myself. But i honestly suck at looking inwards and examining myself so i have no idea what the actual point is then... Also i can see how you could interpret a lot of what i posted as me thinking no one was taking me seriously and i just want them to notice what i am going through, or something like that. At any rate, again i suck at explaining, i meant it more as everyone in my life doesn't take the less visible symptoms when i tell them what i am thinking as something worth worrying about. It does hurt don't get me wrong, but it is more out of frustration and loathing that i was making those remarks than a self pity plea. Like everyone though i do like turning the spotlight on myself every once in a while, and i guess i needed some today because this post screams ME ME ME now that i have gotten a bit of rest... As for the family thing, i am too much like my father's side of the family, which is where the bigger clusterfuck is so if it's not BD there is probably some nasty surprise awaiting me down the line.
Lastly, the reason i added at the bottom that i was sorry if i offended anyone, although i could have phrased it nicer, was to avoid exactly what you are saying about how i only care about myself and such. I Understand completely that i am coming off in this post as a completely self centered arrogant spoiled boy who should be the poster child for First World Problems, but that is just a part of me that i usually don't try and share. even if i do need to share, like i am doing now, i usually post it on the internet, so i wont have to be embarrassed about saying stuff like this to people i know when i am back to my senses. Anyways, i understand that others have it worse, and i am intentionally putting myself in pain for whatever reason when i could avoid it like so many others cant, but personally i agree with Plato that "An un-examined life is not worth living" and that the biggest contribution i can make to the world is not by getting a job and donating time and money to the less fortunate, though that is a noble cause as any, but instead using what i have determined are my strengths to help create a world where things like poverty do not exist in the first place. That will be a world which is more fulfilling, and in the specific case of service there will be more charm to be found by knowing that the service you do is worthwhile, and will lift the community up as a whole. Don't get me wrong, their is a definite edge to helping someone who is worse off than you, and being able to empathize with that person, but it is a fruitless cause in the long run. To me personally being able to secure the futures of many generations to come is a better joy than giving to one person, but i know there are people who know that if they can help even one person not suffer, they will bring exceeding joy to those people rather than let them bear the weight of their burden and suffer something they couldn't change. Thankfully though the human race is large and there is enough personality to go around, so plenty of people will find their own way to help.
And as a side note i completely understand why you wont just trust someone's judgement that they are "worthwhile". in a society where you are taught to crush anyone to get to the top it is easy to lose faith in peoples judgement. Also, thank you for replying. I really enjoy discussing stuff
