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Suicide - Please read and add your support and views

*=Regulator=*

*=Regulator=*

Bluelighter
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I am writing this post to share with BL my experiences with suicidal thoughts and hopefully give some insight into what drives people to bring themselves to the ultimate end.
As I sit here now in a reasonably happy state, I can have rational thoughts - how could anyone contemplate suicide? Surely there is always hope no matter what your situation. If I get depressed I can get help, I can get medication. Of course nothing could be SO bad that erasing my existence would by the only solution!
A few months ago, when I was deeply depressed, I could not think rationally. My mind was clouded over and the mental pain was unbeleivable. The anxiety was appaling. I couldn't sit in any one place, yet I was too tired to move. I couldn't concentrate on anything. My friends knew I was fucked but they couldn't say anything to help. How could they possibly comprehend what I was going through?
The depression was worse. I was in so much mental pain that nothing could possibly make me happy, and I TRULY beleived that nothing in my future ever would.
At that point in time, suicide seemed like the only way to ease the pain. In my irrational mindset, it was the only answer. I came close.
You cannot begin to comprehend the feeling of being truly suicidal unless you have been there. Even now I struggle to remember that feeling. I remember using my last ounce or rationality when I took my friend aside and said "Take what I'm about to say seriously: I want to die. I'm not in control of my actions. I'm not rational. Help me."
I had certain situational difficulties but they were not the cause of my depression. I beleive that true suicidal depression becomes independent of your circumstances. Poor circumstances add to it, but in my experience, when you are in the grip of it, the outside world becomes irrelevant. Your head becomes a swirling maelstrom of shit and you just want out. You want the pain to stop, and when nothing works, the inconceivable becomes the only option.
If you are ever truly unlucky enough to have a loved one feel like this don't lose heart that nothing you say seems to help. Don't stop at "they know I'm here for them, what more can I do?" Make them promise to you not to harm themselves, and get urgent help.
If you are in this position, take heart that you can survive it. Grab onto any thought you can. Think about how the people that DO love you will miss you when you are gone. And when you feel the rationality begin to slip, take matters out of your own hands.
And always remember, things WILL get better.
 
*=Regulator=* , thank you for sharing that wonderful insight.
We hope other readers will find it helpful as well.
 
I agree w/ what you say about internal feelings (here, suicidality) being independent of the outisde circumstances. However I would have to disagree with the idea that no rational person could contemplate suicide--the act has been a popular way to honorably die in many cultures, and until we understand death labeling things which quicken our path to non-life with a negative stigman is a consequence of our socialization, not a consequence of rational contemplation.
 
^^
Agreed, but my purpose in posting this thread was to help people understand chronic depression and suicide, not to get bogged down on technicalities. Thanks for the post.
 
just think about how everyone else who knows you how they will react
that was enough to scare me into NOT doing it, and bleive me, when you smoke crack you think that alot
 
Surely there is always hope no matter what your situation.
sometimes there are certain situations where there is little hope. I think that most suicide thoughts come from these. such as an incurable disease, physical deformalities, this leads to a major depression because anyone can cling on to a hope that things will get better but what about when there is no answer, what is your advice on this? is this the time to hang on to your suffering and still hang your head up high even though u know a cure for a sickness will never be found, and you can never get your life back the way it use to be. any insights?
Click to expand...
 
I just wanted to share my thoughts on this subject as well.
I too was one of those people that thought 'how could anyone want to take their own life?' until i got depressed. the first time i ever thought about ending it all was when i was 15. i was walking home from the beach one nite, and before i crossed the highway i thought 'maybe i should just walk in front of a car because my life sucks and it's never going to get better'. I'm glad i didn't because it did get better, but really really slowly. i didn't realized i was so depressed when i was 15 until i fell into an even deeper depression again when i was 20. there were many things that happened that year to set off that depression. i wasn't really all that suicidal that time, i had thoughts that would cross my mind, but they'd be gone in a flash. i just felt extremely hopeless and lost. i had no one, my boyfreind at that time didn't understand, and when i'd try to tell him what was going on with me he didn't really listen to me or want to try to help me help myself. so i kept EVERYTHING inside. that was the worst time of my life and i never want to go through that again. i finally understood why people would want to take their own life. and like you had said, no one can understand it unless they've been there. i had no one to talk to because no one understood, or would just tell me 'oh you'll be fine, it'll blow over, life has it's ups and downs, etc'. well it's not that easy, the people that would tell me those things hadn't been there. i went on paxil for a couple months and saw a therapist and everything was fine,i was feeling like myself again, i had thought, until just a couple months ago (i'm almost 23 now), i felt myself starting to fall into that black hole again. and every day it gets a little worse. i have been fighting with myself so hard to keep from falling into the pits of hell, but it's really really hard. the other nite i actually verbalized to my mother that i wanted to die. i had never said my thoughts about death out loud. when i was 15 i had the suicidal thoughts but never wanted to act on them because of my family and my freinds. but the other nite i didn't give two shits what happened to me and how anyone would feel about me dying because they probably wouldnt care. i think i was having stronger thoughts about suicide because i have been fighting so hard not to get depressed again, because of the hell i went through 2 years ago. i have said all i could ever say to a psychologist, and i don't want to go through all that emotional exhaustion all over again. the paxil gave me terrible withdrawl symptoms, and i gained 25lbs in the month after i was done taking it. Celexa did weird things to my heart rhythm where i couldnt even sleep at nite it was beating so strange. most of the time i feel that i'm strong enough to overcome this on my own, but maybe i'm not, and that's what gets me more depressed. thinking that i'm never gonna get out of this and when i do get out of it, it'll just come back a year later and i have to go through the pain and sadness all over again. it's a useless cycle to me and i think that's why i actually thought about carrying out suicide. because my life isn't going to change, i'm gonna be depressed and have to be on medication for the rest of my life, and i don't want that. nobody does. i just want to be a normal person. that is a hard thing for me to grasp right now, that i'm going to be like this for the rest of my life. my mother gave me a valium that nite, which helped wonders, thank god for benzo's. so now my mind has been a little clearer the past week, and i realize that killing myself isn't the answer no matter how bad it may get. it seems like the easy option, but it's not. i'm still falling into the depression mode, but i'm trying to get out of it, and doing that involves telling myself to shut up when i start to think how much better it would be if i wasnt alive. unfortunately i only have one person to share all my feelings with and that is my mom, because my freinds don't get it, and don't even care for that matter.
the only thing i can find as a postive from being depressed and/or suidical every couple of years, is that hopefully i can help someone else that is going through it. they can have someone to talk to about it, when they think there is no one to talk to. and maybe then i'll have them to talk to as well.
Suicide might seem like the best option available at the time you are thinking about it, but think about the people that it will affect. your mom, your dad, your brothers and sisters, your best freind. is it really worth all the pain of your death to them, just to end your own pain? I know how hard it is to think of the people that care for you when you are feeling so low, because it seems like no one cares, but you have to force yourself to think about the people you are closest to and what THEY will have to go through because you are dead and they will never see or talk to you again.
thank you for reading this far, i'm long winded and end up typing novels. :-)
 
Thanks for your excellent replies and thanks to the people that have e-mailed me.
Charlie Brown:
I think that having hope is all relative. If you have a terminal illness or a permanent disability you need to find hope in the anticipation of doing things that can still give you pleasure, that other people take for granted.
Being in a disadvantaged situation would compound depressive thoughts but there are opportunities for pleasure and happiness despite extreme difficulties. If you are a quabraplegic you can still listen to music, watch movies, enjoy food. Concentrate on those things. What you CAN do, not what you CAN'T (easier said than done).
Chronic pain is a different ballgame however. If you are in constant chronic pain that even the strongest of medications can't fix I don't know how you would etch out a rewarding existence. It would make it very hard.
Lucky_Charms:
I feel very much the way you feel. I am also up and down and am extrememly frustrated that I can't just be a "normal" person, without this bullshit depression and anxiety that plays on my mind all the time.
I said in my original post that depression is independent of your circumstances. I still believe this but only when it is at its worst. When you are "just" depressed, not suicidal, little things can pick you up and lay you flat. Example: I was having trouble looking for a house recently and found out that my dad had to have more chemotherapy for a lump on his leg. This set of circumstances made my depression worse and put me down.
Recently my dad has finished his treatment, now has no lump on his leg, and I have moved into a GREAT house. So, yes, I am pretty happy. If you can Lucky_Charms, try to make some positive situational changes. As you probably know, every positive thing helps when you are depressed!
MultistateOffender:
"As i said before suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem..."
Nice one, that is very important to remember!
Keep the replies coming!
 
I attempted suicide many times as a young man, starting at age 12. Eventually, when I "cured" myself, I found the following phrase to give me "empowerment":
"I can always kill myself tomorrow"
I used this phrase in the following context: How bad can things actually get? So bad that I have no friends or family and I'm living in the street, lying in the gutter? Maybe I'd kill myself then. But the thing is...if I say "I don't give a shit what anyone thinks, or what anyone says, fuck 'em all, I can always kill myself tomorrow." It gives me power over my circumstances. It's kinda hard to explain. I guess it's similar to Alcoholics Anonymous' saying "One day at a time".
On a completely different note, I believe in karma and reincarnation, so by killing myself in this lifetime, I am only forcing myself to live a *whole new lifetime* going through the same difficulties and circumstances that brought me to my suicide point, and this will keep repeating until I don't suicide. Weird...my brother went to a Tarot card reader many years ago, and the one thing she said (out of the blue) that really made his head spin was, "You're not going to be able to take the easy way out in this lifetime". When he was in College, he was renting an apartment off-campus. It had a gas heater, and one day he disconnected the gas line, put a plastic bag over his head, with the gas line running up into the bag. He pulled the bag tight around his neck, blocking all air. Just the bag alone should have suffocated him, let alone the natural gas. Well, after about 10 minutes, not having a headache from the gas or feeling any ill effects at all, he was puzzled. After 30 minutes, and still feeling just fine, he was totally "spooked" and thought it was really creepy that he could do this, so he gave up. Weird huh?
Years later he was diagnosed with clinical depression (after another failed attempt) and is currently under a psychiatrists care and taking medication, which keeps away the dark thoughts of suicide.
 
A common thing people say when someone dies is "they've gone to a better place". So even people who aren't depressed or suicidal believe that death is "a better place" than life! Is it any wonder that some people see suicide as an escape?
 
Ive been in a 'bad state' like this before. Im out. Though I never keep anything too far as to where I forget about it. I will remember the unhappiness.
Life has never been better....well aside from being broke always, not enough cash flow coming in. :) But other than that....family, friends, happy thoughts...thoughts about other people and what thier struggle in life is. Hoping they are pulling through. I wish I could shake everyones hand in the world and look them in the eye's. Though some would frown upon such an invite. :(
But its ok....they just dont 'know' yet. :)
Does all this make sense??
 
^
I know what you mean. What I was trying to convey in my origal post on this thread, is that it is near impoossible to comprehend what suicidal depression feels like if you haven't been there. I have - "I know" - as you do and I look at other people and think to myself "they don't know". That is the one advantage being rock bottom gives us - The knowledge of the bottom, so we can recognise and appreciate everything else!
 
Anyone here who uses recreational drugs or who has suicidal thoughts; I am a Mom who just lost her only son to suicide. He hung himself with an electrical cord in the woods behind his Dad's home where he lived. He was 20 years old. NONE of his friends ( over 200 people were at his service) , none of his family ever thought he would be one to commit suicide. Kent was under the influence of Ecstacy (MDA/MDNA) and alcohol at the time. I am still in shock. He was and always wil be loved. His life was not hopeless, yet apparently in his mind it was.
If at all possible, I would like to be able to prevent another from taking their life. Yes, we say that we "go on" to a better place. That, IMHO is just a guise we use. The survivors want to believe this for the ones we loose. It is a rule in life that we must all eventually die; we all hope to go to heaven (or hell, depending on your point of view), but never will opting out be the answer. It is the one single action on this earth that we DO have control over.
I am here for anyone who thinks that their life is not worth living, that there is no hope, no way out.
I would be a liar if I did not admit that suicidal thoughts crossed my mind since my kid's death.... Suddenly, my one reason to live was gone, snatched from my life forever. It was two months ago, and I am here and will continue to fight for life, no matter how hard a struggle it is.
 
Anyone here who uses recreational drugs or who has suicidal thoughts; I am a Mom who just lost her only son to suicide. He hung himself with an electrical cord in the woods behind his Dad's home where he lived. He was 20 years old. NONE of his friends ( over 200 people were at his service) , none of his family ever thought he would be one to commit suicide. Kent was under the influence of Ecstacy (MDA/MDNA) and alcohol at the time. I am still in shock. He was and always wil be loved. His life was not hopeless, yet apparently in his mind it was.
If at all possible, I would like to be able to prevent another from taking their life. Yes, we say that we "go on" to a better place. That, IMHO is just a guise we use. The survivors want to believe this for the ones we loose. It is a rule in life that we must all eventually die; we all hope to go to heaven (or hell, depending on your point of view), but never will opting out be the answer. It is the one single action on this earth that we DO have control over.
I am here for anyone who thinks that their life is not worth living, that there is no hope, no way out.
I would be a liar if I did not admit that suicidal thoughts
have crossed my mind since my kid's death.... Suddenly, my one reason to live was gone, snatched from my life forever. It was two months ago, and I am here and will continue to fight for life, no matter how hard a struggle it is.
 
I can hardly see to type this because my eyes are filled with tears from reading these posts. I've been going through a very hard time since November; some of you (you know who you are) know what's happened. I do not suffer from depression; i'm having difficulties because of events in my life over which I had no control. I'm definitely not suicidal - I would not take my own life. But (if this even makes sense), I keep hoping I'll go to sleep at night and not wake up in the morning. My heart is empty. I'm tired of living, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of putting on a happy face just because it's expected of me. I feel alone and lonely, even though there are people who care about me deeply (and I care about them too). I feel helpless and frustrated.
To the mom who lost her son, I can't imagine what you're going through. hope and pray that you find peace within yourself.
 
canada girl, Thank you. I cannot possibly describe to you the depth and breadth of emotions that I'm going through.
I was really lucky in my youth. I was playing with weed, having fun as many of us did; then, without my knowledge, I was given some brownies that were heavily laced.....Wow! I felt so sick for days that I have never touched drugs again.
I hope that you can work thro' your troubles quickly and you find true happiness.
 
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