Suicide: Always an option.

[radiationman]

I have been doing real well for awhile. I started back in school last fall, wasn't drinking to much, wasn't shooting too much, basically staying out of trouble. I even became the president of a club at my college. Then yesterday the "rug" was pulled out from under my feet. Due to financial reasons, I would rather not go into, I was forced to drop my classes, basically, drop out.

It is essential to my well-being that I keep myself busy, you know, idle time is the devil's plaything blah-blah-blah. My first thought was to go buy a bunch of heroin. Shoot it all up where no one would find me and basically just go out with a bang(pun intented). Then the other usual methods, throw myself off a bridge, jump in front of a speeding train etc.

So my soon to-be wife was finally able to calm me down, and I didn't do anything rash. I have always considered suicide as a way out if things ever get bad enough. I believe it is every person's right to kill themselves if that is what they want, but that is another topic for another time.

The purpose of this thread, for those of you nice enough to read it, is to say a few kind words and any advice on keeping the blues at bay. Thank you for taking the time to read this thread.

PS - I am thinking about getting out of the city because I don't want a dope habit. Although some opies sound delicious right about know. I am thinking about skipping town.

 

[xstayfadedx]

Hope you feel better soon and please don't start a dope habit. I know how easy it is to want to cop dope on the streets in philly but there's no reason for you to throw away all the good things in your life.... I know its just a thought though, we all have thoughts like these sometimes. I wish we didn't though but we're here for you. So if you ever need to hit one of us up just do it and I'm sure your soon to be wife will also be there to talk with you. Much love going your way

 

[Alex007]

Bro life is already too short enjoy it as much as you can, even the trials and tribulations of it. Let death naturally come, try to experience everything out there until that day arrives. Suicide is pointless not worth it, not matter what the addiction or financial problems are. I think you need faith in your life, turn to God brah, after that you won't give a fuck about what life brings your way.

Plus you in Philly, do it for Iverson!

 

[RedLeader]

Don't try and kill yourself via a heroin overdose. Aside from the obvious reason, if you OD but don't die, being medically saved from that is a very painful ordeal. Have you ever sent yourself into precipitated withdrawal by taking Suboxone too soon after an opiate? Think that x 10.

The problem with the whole libertarian 'I'm only hurting myself' train of thought, not just for things like suicide, but also with drug use, is that it only really works when a person is living in isolation. Given our society and its friendships, families, coworkers and so on, you're fooling yourself if you think that you're only doing damage to your own person. It might be a decent argument, for example, if you want to lock yourself in your bedroom and trip for 6 hours, but not if you're trying to keep a habit going or if you want to kill yourself. When people say things like "drug addicts are selfish" or that "suicide is selfish," most of them (okay, some of them...) aren't trying to make you feel bad, but instead make you realise that people care about you and it ultimately is better to live through human relationships and not relationships with drugs.

Should it be everyone's right (moral? legal?) to take their own lives? I go back and forth on this. Regardless, though, it's not outlawed to insult people, manipulate romantic partners, emotionally betray/blackmail people, and so on. The only difference between these things and suicide, though, is that if you kill yourself you don't have to live with the aftermath. Do you really want to do that to your soon-to-be wife? Your parents? Us on BL who took time to reply to your post?

Another thing about heroin...If you were to buy a bunch of it, if you're anything like me, you're probably going to sit around all day in pleasure but not really doing a whole lot. Sure, at the beginning of an addiction it gives you energy and motivation, but we all know that the habit soon gets so exhausting in and of itself that you eventually just kick back once you finally do get your dose. What I'm getting at is that heroin trains us to be lazy, and if that becomes all we know, then we're going to tend to be lazy in our recovery (which, as you said, gets people in trouble). If you are one of those who gets a lot accomplished on heroin, then when you try and quit, if you stay busy with the same things, then you've got a dozen things to remind you of heroin.

The key is to stay busy, but with new things. You mentioned moving out of the city. I would really suggest that. Given your location, I'd say get as far away as possible (I lived out near there for a short while and that's when I got addicted). Get a new job, take up new hobbies, make new friends, listen to new music, buy a new pet, etc. When you're giving up heroin, you're not giving up a bad habit. It's not like biting your nails. It's heroin; you're in a romantic relationship with the devil. If you don't take a recovery from that seriously, you'll never make it.

The blues go away with time. I don't know how long you've been using, but typically the PAWS (post abuse withdrawal syndrome) is a function of how long your addiction was going for (and how much/often you were using). However, you can help push them away quicker by deriving enjoyment from new things in your life, especially those you couldn't do on heroin. Traveling is an example, with you no longer having to fear the dopesickness. I also found that after about a month, I had mostly forgot (to a degree at least) how it tasted. Little things like that I liked about the drug faded away, and it was a lot easier to deal with it in a nostalgic sense than when I was physically craving it.

You'll be okay as long as you find reasons to keep living. Try and stop thinking about the future in terms of what you cannot do (I cannot shoot dope, I cannot kill myself, I cannot go to school) and instead on what you can do. Only you know what you're able to do right now.

 

[Alex007]

RedLeader great stuff, I couldn't have said it any better!

 

[radiationman]

Just to make it clear, I chip occasionally. I do not have a habit although I have been addicted in the past. I feel much better from the replies I have received. Thanks!

I just hate how fast the shit can hit the fan. I hate having to worry about finances. I am basically sick of society and hate politics. I know it sounds cheesy, but I really feel that taking deep breathes, taking things day to day, and not worrying about the big picture(that really bogs me down) will make my life easier.

I think I am going to skip town for awhile guys. Thanks for helping out a total stranger. It means a lot.

 

[paranoid android]

Man think of your soon to be wife how do you think she would feel if you offed yourself? My g/f nearly died on me and i felt gutted and i was so grateful that she survived

Suicide is a option and i always think hey if things get fucked beyond repair then i can just blow my brains out. But i couldn't do that to the people that care about me cause Ive been on the receiving end of that. Also i don't want to give in and let the world beat me down. I might have gotten a few knocks over the years but i haven't let it beat me down. I suffer from bipolar disorder, a incurable chronic pain condition nicknamed the suicide disease and i am a opiate addict. But i still see the good in things no matter how bleak shit is. Plus i believe in no afterlife so besides the life we have what is there?

I don't know what to say besides just try and hang in there man. Things will get better this is just a bump in the road.

 

[Missykins]

Life: Always an option

Wow, you have someone who loves you that much--try to project into the future, having a family with the woman you love, because in the end, it's the simple moments that makes life worth living. There's always another college to go to, it won't be easy to accomplish, but trust me, worse things can happen to you. Give up the junk, it's just a waste of time. All that time wasted, and time is the most precious commodity.

 

[radiationman]

Thanks for the advice guys. I have discussed the situation with my lover and am going to skip town. I just need to keep myself busy and get far away from certain neighborhoods that are drug supermarkets(Don't get me wrong I love Philly).

My uncle David had been suffering from severe/chronic depression for most of his life. He decided to undergo EST(electro shock therapy). The treatment didn't do him any good and I am now convinced that it fried some of his brain's circuitry. It screwed up his memory. His wife would be having a casual conversation with him and he would ask a question only to be informed by his mistress that he had already asked the same question 20 times. Long story short, he put a gun in his mouth and blew his brains out.

Now, this is in no way an endorsement for suicide. I have come to realize that suicide is a very selfish act, but I will always consider it to be a last resort.

On a romantic note, my fiance said she wouldn't want to live without me and she would kill herself with me. Again bluelight not an endorsement. Thank you everyone for the support in a rocky patch of my life.

 

[Dedbeet]

The purpose of this thread, for those of you nice enough to read it, is to say a few kind words and any advice on keeping the blues at bay. Thank you for taking the time to read this thread.

It helps to learn to let go of your thoughts, to not take them so seriously, to realize that your thoughts are not "you". Our natural state of being is very much at peace, in my experience, and our thoughts interfere with that and cause problems for us. Sometimes meditation can help, sometimes aloneness/introspection can have a huge impact, depending on how you spend the time.

IMO Idle time is not necessarily the devil's plaything, if used as an opportunity to get more comfortable with oneself, to be comfortable in one's own skin instead of trying to escape into activity. Activity is good, but if it's necessary as a form of escapage from our thoughts, it can be a devil's plaything too. The *ability to* be non-active (not necessarily being non-active) really says something about how we are dealing with life, imo.

Peace...

 

[InhaleDeep]

'The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.'
-Nietzsche

Now, I obviously don't mean to say that it's totally okay to have these thoughts, but there's a difference between really wishing to die and just toying around with the realization that, if you wanted to, you could end it all. But you don't, and no one is forcing you to keep going, you choose to. Anyway this is just what the title reminded me of.

As for your problems, hmmm... I think you can get a thousand nice words from people and maybe feel better for a minute or so. But in the long run you can't expect or hope that the problem will someday simply disappear and everything's going to be okay - that's kind of what mentality I used to have, turns out I just liked living in a big illusion. You should really find someone to talk to to resolve this issues. Psychotherapy can really help sometimes, if you just let it. I am asking you to do that because if you don't resolve these problems with someone who is educated to do so, who knows what will happen. People around you love you and wish you all the best, but they are in no way experts who can help you go through this.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Urgez]

Just to make it clear, I chip occasionally. I do not have a habit although I have been addicted in the past. I feel much better from the replies I have received. Thanks!

I just hate how fast the shit can hit the fan. I hate having to worry about finances. I am basically sick of society and hate politics. I know it sounds cheesy, but I really feel that taking deep breathes, taking things day to day, and not worrying about the big picture(that really bogs me down) will make my life easier.

I think I am going to skip town for awhile guys. Thanks for helping out a total stranger. It means a lot.

that's a much better choice than killing yourself. IMO suicide may be an option, but it is the stupidest option available. if it comes to that, just run. run away and start again, the world is bigger than most people care to know. gl

 

[Dave]

I'm so sorry to hear about your Uncle. ECT is very much a last-resort intervention for just such a reason. Even in best-case scenarios there is transient memory loss that can last for months, and it is very common to have some degree of cognitive function impairment permanently. For those for whom it is offered, if the screening is done properly, the risk is usually worth it, but when it goes pear-shaped it goes badly pear shaped. It's just too blunt of an instrument still.

The thing is, from an ethical standpoint, I do think that we should have the right to end our own lives, but that right should only be exercised in the most extreme of situations. End-stage Alzheimer's, where the patient's mind has been dead for two years, but the body lives on? That's a maybe. An otherwise healthy person suffering from severe depression? No. That can be treated. The pain at the time is intense, and seems never-ending, but having been through it I can say with confidence that I am grateful every single day that I didn't do the proper research on how to effectively kill myself. But I do intend to have a provision in my living will that will state my wishes should (when?) I contract Alzheimer's, or something similar, as to what criteria need to be passed before I wish to bow out. Not that it will matter, as that legal right is not yet recognized here, but still...

 

[xHippiexchildx]

I've been in your exact situation for the past 2 months. I've been going through suboxone withdrawals and I kept thinking I should just kill myself. I didn't want to see myself living a sober life either. I've been in an altered state of mind for the past 6 years and I have no idea how to cope with reality without drugs. I mean, i'm learning though. Anything can get tough depending on the person's situation.. You just got to hang in there. You can beat this! You need the support of your family and friends. You need to talk with a therapist that you feel you can trust about these issues.

Trust me when I say this, you DO NOT want a dope habit. Dope WILL for 100% certainty take everything you hold dear away from you.

 

[radiationman]

Been there done that with the dope habit. Before I moved to Philly I lived in the suburbs of a major metropolitan area in the southeast. Me and my friends would go into the city, buy some H and then go back to the burbs with a marked up product. It sucked kicking but luckily I had the support of a good woman. Even though I still chip occasionally I don't get sick going without any more.

I did UTSE and couldn't find much on the subject, but the idea of free counseling resources is very appealing. Thanks Bluelight for all the support.