Suicidal and need help.

[Disocio0]

Well let me start off by saying that im a polly substance abuser. I've done allmost every drug in the book twice. Lsd, shrooms, Ketamine, dxm, meth, heroin, mdma, dmt the list goes on and on. I was addicted to kratom for 2.5 years and am now 5 months clean from it.

Im also diagnosed bipolar type 2 and take Adderall, zyprexa, Xanax and effexor.

Recently suicide has been on my mind If something goes wrong even the tiniest things tip me into a sinkhole of suicidal thoughts. Its comforting to now that there is a way out of this fucked up life. My brain has been on so many drugs the past 6 years I feel my brain is fried. I keep thinking that I will never get as high off life as I did with say ecstacy or meth and its depressing. My girlfriend says that she can't be with me for another year unless I get my shit together and my mind straight which makes me want to just end my own life.

 

[Cfk2117]

Ive been dealing with something similar man. Just trying to put things together in my own mind. I had a girl who straightened me out from my lifestyle and I was clean for 3 years with her. When we broke up I fell right back into drugs. Here I am two years later depressed as fuck because ive once again tossed everything away. I want to get back to living the life where I could just smoke pot and have a drink or two every now and then. Im working on ways to motivate myself to get there and its been helping. Maybe you should set some goals and motivate yourself as well. Sounds like you didnt lose your girl yet, sounds like your worried about it too. That could be a reason there.

 

[CFC]

Do you have much of a social life outside of drugs and your girlfriend?

 

[Disocio0]

No. All my best friends are in jail or hooked on heroin. Im worried I'll lose my girl. It seems the past two years iv Been on and off 20+ different meds. My mood swings have gotten to be wearing on her.

 

[CFC]

Have you considered making new friends outside that old circle? Maybe associated with an interest you already have, or a new hobby? You need things in your life that give it some meaning - a reason to bother waking up in the morning. A decent social network and variety of interests can really help to achieve that.

 

[herbavore]

It is comforting to have the thought that you could simply leave all the pain of life behind. I think it is natural and even rational to have those thoughts (and a lot more universal than people acknowledge). Here are a few things to consider that came up for me reading your post.

First, you are on a cocktail of prescribed drugs that may be actually giving you suicidal thoughts. Have you discussed this in general terms with the prescribing doctor? I know that when my son tried Adderall for ADD as a teen, he became depressed every day when it wore off for instance; he stopped the Adderall as he felt it was easier to deal with the symptoms of ADD than the symptoms of depression caused by the medication. Being bipolar presents a lot of challenges but has a lot of rewards as well and learning how to manage it with the lowest amount of drugs possible should be a goal. It is quite possible that these drugs alone or in combination are contributing to your feelings.

Have you ever tried to really explore deeply what led you to unbalanced drug use? There is usually something and that something, whether it is specific early trauma or generalized trauma (sometimes just being extremely sensitive in a harsh world), may seem far too scary to delve into but that fear is what keeps you moving in the wrong direction.

I can imagine that being in the fragile emotional state that you find yourself in makes it even more terrifying to lose your partner. The work you do to begin healing yourself will make it so much easier to have a healthy satisfying relationship--maybe with her but maybe even with someone else down the road a ways. It's difficult to navigate the slippery territory of need and love. Need places a lot of burdens on your partner whereas love is self-nurturing. As you develop strength inside, everything on the outside gets easier. One thing about being bipolar is that you feel everything intensely--that is not a bad thing at all! The balance comes from learning to think about those intense emotions and how to manage them. Growing up with the rules and practices of our modern cultures don't do anything to foster this so you have to do a lot of work on your own. It gets exhausting and it sounds to me like you are exhausted. I'm really sorry for that and I hope what I have written doesn't sound like trite preaching. I am here to offer support in any way so if I'm way off the mark just let me know.