Hi, LM.
I'm so sorry to hear what a dark spot you've found yourself in. There's so much I'd like to write to you. But let me start with this... You aren't alone, no matter how much it feels like you are. It's a huge step that you have asked for help, and it really really sucks that those requests haven't been answered. Unfortunately, our friends and family often have no idea what addiction is or how they can help someone with a substance abuse problem. And unfortunately, this can lead people to minimize the suffering of folks like us. It doesn't mean they don't want to help; it just means they don't know how.
On the other hand, lots of us here on the Sober Living (SL) forum *do* understand at least the broad strokes of how you're feeling.
If you're interested (just as an example), you might take a look at the thread I started documenting my own recovery. The title of the thread is 'I can't go on, I'll go on." I mention it only because it sounds like we've been in some similar situations. Though the drugs are different (my main problem was heroin... but in this respect, that difference is minor). In August of 2016 I was so trapped and depressed that suicide was all I could think of aside from using. I'm mentioning this because things have gotten so much better since then. Back in August I never would have believed that I could escape from the shitstorm I was in. Now, life isn't perfect...but it has gotten way better. And I know that a similar change for the good is possible for you, too.
So please, keep posting here. We care, and we'll help however we can.
In terms of moving forward with some more concrete advice, it might help if you could answer a couple questions. Though only if you're up for it and at your own pace.
For instance
About how much do you tend to drink per day? And about how long has this been going on? These questions can help you (and people working with you) to decide if you need a medically supervised detox.
Have you tried quitting before? If so, did you ever rely on external resources like an inpatient or outpatient rehab? When we're really deep into an addiction, quitting on our own can be *extremely* hard. Although many rehabs are disappointing, it is the case that sometimes we need the kind of structure and time away from ourselves that they offer. Personally, I hated my rehab (an outpatient one) at first. But in the end, I think that deciding to seek that level of help was a large part of what got me pointed in the right direction.
Do you work with a therapist/psychiatrist or similar? When suicide is on the radar, it's important to consider whether an issue like depression might be at work alongside the addiction itself. Also, a skilled therapist can help those feelings that nobody understands what you're going through.
OK, I don't want this post to get too long, so I'm going to sign off for now. Feel free to answer any of the questions I've asked (including none of them if you don't feel like it). But I do hope you can step back from the suicide precipice. Maybe you could try to make an agreement with yourself that you won't make an attempt *today* or even for a couple days? No need to try to make bigger promises than that.
Asking for help--even if it doesn't lead to much at first--is a huge first step. You're doing the hard work already. Things get better from here. They really do.
Sim
PS. Please feel free to send me a PM if you are really feeling sketchy. I've stood on that ledge, feeling like a good wind could blow me away. I'm happy just to listen. Please take care, OK?
