E
equatorius
Guest
In my mid-20s, I had some really nice experiences with amphetamine and coke (and also various psychedelics but that's less important now). I never cared to learn the actual quality/purity of the "powders" and I also trusted my newfound "friends" with their dosage (and harm reduction, etc) recommendations (although, I also did some online research when the consumption seemed to become a loose habit rather than a 'one time only thing'). These were (as much as I could tell) fairly intelligent, mostly well educated and somewhat wealthy people but a really "colorful" mix (partially changing over time and gathering in somewhat random scaling), so it was rarely if ever boring for me.
These were mostly rare and contained occasions, may be 10/year on average (considering stimulants, psychedelics were more rare) over roughly 3 consecutive years (unevenly spaced but rarely if ever twice on the same week). Even though sometimes I started to think like this "hobby" might be spiraling out of control, I can't recall reaching obviously toxic level (as described by the amphetamine FAQ / overdose), it's just that it was usually incredibly intense almost every time (especially as I started to be offered with "normal" rather than "beginner" doses which I think rose faster than my tolerance).
I obviously remember how fast my tolerance built up over the course of an isolated "session" (which was usually either an extended-, or a double-day) but also over the years (although not so fast in this regard). However, I can't recall having troubles with reaching satisfactory levels (without hitting toxicity) and enjoying the experiences. On the other hand, I also remember the comedowns/hangovers slowly but steadily become longer and harder over time (regardless of vitamin pills and food supplements).
Side note: I personally was more interested in psychedelics (that's how I originally met these people) but I can't deny enjoying the stimulants (which was favored by the majority of them and thus I also consumed this more often with them...).
Then a lot of things changed. First, I had to stop meeting these people (as much as I know, the whole group got dismissed: some of them started working in serious jobs, got married and pregnant, and who knows about the rest [I always preferred passive anonymity, so didn't know their real names]). I never made similar friends again but I thought it might not be such a bad thing to loose this habit anyway (or at least take a really long break). I thought I also had other things to focus on.
After that (who knows if somewhat related or not...?), my life gradually became more and more dull, generally depressed, and poor in every ways. I didn't finish school (and no job = no coworker relationships), never made new (but lost old) friends, never had girlfriends (long, probably unrelated story). I deliberately moved to a remote location to live a quiet life alone (I thought that's what I needed) and think I slowly started to become a little "insane" (especially after loosing several family members). I mean, I always had various "issues" (social anxiety probably being one of the most prominent and somewhat related) which I mostly learned to deal with in the past but now started to give up fighting and just let myself sink to the bottom (although I don't think hit "rock bottom", yet). I think I really just wished to die alone at any random day, although definitely not by suicide (for example, I still care about keeping a healthy diet).
-> But fast forward to the recent few months:
Roughly a year ago, I (re)gained virtually unlimited access to illicit goods. Although, I wasn't interested at all until last December. I happened to book some decent returns on gambling (my current hobby), so I had a relatively good mood and thus I decided to barter some drugs as a form of "christmas present for myself": a handful of LSD tabs (deliberately the weaker kind, ~100ug nominal) and 0.5g coke (presumably really decent quality).
I started with the coke. I didn't really expect anything special because I went for a tiny dose, just to test the potency of the powder and my body's reaction to it. It seemed OK, so I put it aside to share it with a "friend" on the next day. (Side note: I figured it might have some active cut because I had a hard time falling asleep several hours after tasting it.) She seemed to enjoy it a lot and acted like someone who took some really good or decent amount of coke. Actually, she told me I can have her second line because she is fine but she can tell that I am not. I went for it but it didn't make a notable difference. I even drank an espresso in the meantime.
This strange experience prompted me to acquire another 1g of coke (this time I went with 'the best money and my status could buy'). I started experimenting (roughly two weeks later, alone). I took various doses during the day but I wasn't satisfied at all. This eventually led me into an ugly "binge" by early at night (hah, may be this was my very first genuine binge ever). I never found what I was searching for but I got "restless legs" (which made me feel like some stupid dog) and finally broke out in sweat after the last line, so my body was clearly very overstimulated (I sat dawn for a few minutes and drank all the water I had with me to get over this light overdose -> I felt incredibly stupid because I didn't expect myself to loose control, especially like this).
I had some nasty hangover in the coming few days. After I thought I was over it, I took one of those ~100ug LSD tabs and ended up thinking a lot about that coke binge. The LSD experience felt empty because I felt like 'I washed my brain blank with acetone' (in a bad way, I destroyed some of myself). It wasn't all bad though, I managed to have some nice moments as well (close to the end, after I went to bed early to daydream before sleep: I felt like I found some small hint of peace...).
I couldn't get over these incidents, so I decided to get some amphetamine (because I didn't want to waste more coke for no end). In the meantime, I tried to minimize my coffee consumption because I also realized (in the light of these recent events) that I seamlessly developed a caffeine addiction over the last years (3-5 strong espresso every day, always with various rich additions like coconut butter, honey, cacao or cinnamon -> so, yeah, I really went nuts over coffee without realizing). -> I think it might have something to do with this "condition" (the inability to enjoy stimulants the way I remember and other people usually describe). May be an unexpectedly strong cross-tolerance...?
Guess what... amphetamine (came as wet paste but I dried it) can make my hearth pump, my appetite suppressed and keep me awake for two days but I don't get that "clean" feeling I remember getting from amphetamine many years earlier. I had three "sessions" in total so far with different dosage plans (unlike with coke, I use a decent scale and a spreadsheet now).
The first time was disturbing. Instead of mental clarity, I got confusion, almost linearly with the several small doses I took.
The next time was frustrating when I took less but bigger doses.
The third time I tried to "warm up" with small dosses, follow it with a big one, then take another small ones until I reach either my "desire" (or something close, I lowered my expectations) or a preset upper limit. This finally worked for a little while for some extent.
So, I felt "OK" for like 20 minutes and then I had 12+ hours before even thinking about trying to sleep. And I think I should put it aside for a few months because this already feels like a bad habit (well, I am actually thinking about getting rid of the rest of it because it's not worth it at all for me).
Side note: at least the comedowns are equally mild (the 'yo-yo' seems to work: little high - little low), the only really bad part is the unusually long temporal insomnia.
Any constructive ideas? (I mean, other than the obvious ones like "stop trying completely forever" or "try taking much much more").
I wonder if all this can be an indication of some body or mental health problem of all this is fairly normal.
All the ideas I have are the caffeine abuse, or that I became way too lazy over the years (both psychically and even mentally). So, for the bittersweet laughs: May be I need to go back to the university and study science all day (in my early 30s) in order to "get high". EEK!
These were mostly rare and contained occasions, may be 10/year on average (considering stimulants, psychedelics were more rare) over roughly 3 consecutive years (unevenly spaced but rarely if ever twice on the same week). Even though sometimes I started to think like this "hobby" might be spiraling out of control, I can't recall reaching obviously toxic level (as described by the amphetamine FAQ / overdose), it's just that it was usually incredibly intense almost every time (especially as I started to be offered with "normal" rather than "beginner" doses which I think rose faster than my tolerance).
I obviously remember how fast my tolerance built up over the course of an isolated "session" (which was usually either an extended-, or a double-day) but also over the years (although not so fast in this regard). However, I can't recall having troubles with reaching satisfactory levels (without hitting toxicity) and enjoying the experiences. On the other hand, I also remember the comedowns/hangovers slowly but steadily become longer and harder over time (regardless of vitamin pills and food supplements).
Side note: I personally was more interested in psychedelics (that's how I originally met these people) but I can't deny enjoying the stimulants (which was favored by the majority of them and thus I also consumed this more often with them...).
Then a lot of things changed. First, I had to stop meeting these people (as much as I know, the whole group got dismissed: some of them started working in serious jobs, got married and pregnant, and who knows about the rest [I always preferred passive anonymity, so didn't know their real names]). I never made similar friends again but I thought it might not be such a bad thing to loose this habit anyway (or at least take a really long break). I thought I also had other things to focus on.
After that (who knows if somewhat related or not...?), my life gradually became more and more dull, generally depressed, and poor in every ways. I didn't finish school (and no job = no coworker relationships), never made new (but lost old) friends, never had girlfriends (long, probably unrelated story). I deliberately moved to a remote location to live a quiet life alone (I thought that's what I needed) and think I slowly started to become a little "insane" (especially after loosing several family members). I mean, I always had various "issues" (social anxiety probably being one of the most prominent and somewhat related) which I mostly learned to deal with in the past but now started to give up fighting and just let myself sink to the bottom (although I don't think hit "rock bottom", yet). I think I really just wished to die alone at any random day, although definitely not by suicide (for example, I still care about keeping a healthy diet).
-> But fast forward to the recent few months:
Roughly a year ago, I (re)gained virtually unlimited access to illicit goods. Although, I wasn't interested at all until last December. I happened to book some decent returns on gambling (my current hobby), so I had a relatively good mood and thus I decided to barter some drugs as a form of "christmas present for myself": a handful of LSD tabs (deliberately the weaker kind, ~100ug nominal) and 0.5g coke (presumably really decent quality).
I started with the coke. I didn't really expect anything special because I went for a tiny dose, just to test the potency of the powder and my body's reaction to it. It seemed OK, so I put it aside to share it with a "friend" on the next day. (Side note: I figured it might have some active cut because I had a hard time falling asleep several hours after tasting it.) She seemed to enjoy it a lot and acted like someone who took some really good or decent amount of coke. Actually, she told me I can have her second line because she is fine but she can tell that I am not. I went for it but it didn't make a notable difference. I even drank an espresso in the meantime.
This strange experience prompted me to acquire another 1g of coke (this time I went with 'the best money and my status could buy'). I started experimenting (roughly two weeks later, alone). I took various doses during the day but I wasn't satisfied at all. This eventually led me into an ugly "binge" by early at night (hah, may be this was my very first genuine binge ever). I never found what I was searching for but I got "restless legs" (which made me feel like some stupid dog) and finally broke out in sweat after the last line, so my body was clearly very overstimulated (I sat dawn for a few minutes and drank all the water I had with me to get over this light overdose -> I felt incredibly stupid because I didn't expect myself to loose control, especially like this).
I had some nasty hangover in the coming few days. After I thought I was over it, I took one of those ~100ug LSD tabs and ended up thinking a lot about that coke binge. The LSD experience felt empty because I felt like 'I washed my brain blank with acetone' (in a bad way, I destroyed some of myself). It wasn't all bad though, I managed to have some nice moments as well (close to the end, after I went to bed early to daydream before sleep: I felt like I found some small hint of peace...).
I couldn't get over these incidents, so I decided to get some amphetamine (because I didn't want to waste more coke for no end). In the meantime, I tried to minimize my coffee consumption because I also realized (in the light of these recent events) that I seamlessly developed a caffeine addiction over the last years (3-5 strong espresso every day, always with various rich additions like coconut butter, honey, cacao or cinnamon -> so, yeah, I really went nuts over coffee without realizing). -> I think it might have something to do with this "condition" (the inability to enjoy stimulants the way I remember and other people usually describe). May be an unexpectedly strong cross-tolerance...?
Guess what... amphetamine (came as wet paste but I dried it) can make my hearth pump, my appetite suppressed and keep me awake for two days but I don't get that "clean" feeling I remember getting from amphetamine many years earlier. I had three "sessions" in total so far with different dosage plans (unlike with coke, I use a decent scale and a spreadsheet now).
The first time was disturbing. Instead of mental clarity, I got confusion, almost linearly with the several small doses I took.
The next time was frustrating when I took less but bigger doses.
The third time I tried to "warm up" with small dosses, follow it with a big one, then take another small ones until I reach either my "desire" (or something close, I lowered my expectations) or a preset upper limit. This finally worked for a little while for some extent.
So, I felt "OK" for like 20 minutes and then I had 12+ hours before even thinking about trying to sleep. And I think I should put it aside for a few months because this already feels like a bad habit (well, I am actually thinking about getting rid of the rest of it because it's not worth it at all for me).
Side note: at least the comedowns are equally mild (the 'yo-yo' seems to work: little high - little low), the only really bad part is the unusually long temporal insomnia.
Any constructive ideas? (I mean, other than the obvious ones like "stop trying completely forever" or "try taking much much more").
I wonder if all this can be an indication of some body or mental health problem of all this is fairly normal.
All the ideas I have are the caffeine abuse, or that I became way too lazy over the years (both psychically and even mentally). So, for the bittersweet laughs: May be I need to go back to the university and study science all day (in my early 30s) in order to "get high". EEK!
