inittowinit
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 4, 2018
- Messages
- 6
Hi all. This seems like an amazing community and I could use the support and hopefully, one day can lend some as well. I tend to be a sporadic poster but my goal is daily check-ins, even if just to say "ugh, I'm here". I doubt you'll believe that after seeing the length of this sucker, but I want to be honest and am open to suggestions. I see a lot of wisdom in this community. Thanks in advance for anyone brave enough to read the whole thing.
Back story: I started abusing rx meds 14 years ago, ranging from codeine syrup to Percocet, taking higher than rx'd doses. 9 yrs ago I found Tramodol. After abusing heavily & going through horrible withdrawals twice, I found kratom to help me get off. You can guess how that went.?
I've been using Kratom a year. At peak was around 3.5gm 4 to 5 times a day. I've attempted rapid tapers twice with no success quitting though I have lowered my intake. Dropping down initially isn't bad but I've gained to give my body time to adjust. The two big keys I've heard here are time to adjust and smaller. more frequent dosing.
The past 2-3 months I've taken 2.7 to 3.0g 4-5 times a day, averaging 11-12g/day. I sometimes go 8 hours if busy before noticing symptoms, but wrongfully thought I could do that consistently. Bad idea.
My plan is to drop 2xs/wk, Mon.(smaller drop-3 days to adjust) and Thurs.(more aggressive drop-4 days over weekend to adjust). I'm coming off a six wk leave of absence from working 60-65 hour wks + 2-3 weekends monthly, but no more! I'm in counseling weekly (past 1 year) identifying and coping with underlying problems. I am in a much better place and feel like I can cope with life without substances but breaking the physical and mental dependance won't be easy. My counselor doesn't know I use (occupational reasons) but we address other addictive behaviors (food, spending, work). I'm hoping the support here will bridge the gap.
I've given myself goals for 3 regular doses daily (when working I take less often, thankfully). I also plan smaller "help" doses in between as needed. Today I got up late with no major symptoms (midnight to 10am). Took 2.8g at 1030. Will try for 230, then 830pm with same dose. If trouble in between, can take 1.2gm doses.
Tomorrow is my first day back at work but it's a half day (counseling in the afternoon). Planning dosings 6am, 12pm, 6pm, each 2.6gm w/3 optional minis of 1.0. Tomorrow=big drop but hoping being busy will help and minis can be my crutch. (However, if that isn't working I'll have one higher dose (2.8) with me just in case and won't beat myself up if I use it). With any luck I'll hold that dosing until Thursday.
If no withdrawal symptoms by Thursday: 6am- 2.5, 12pm-2.5 and 6pm-2.2 with 0.9, 1.0 and 0.9 minis in between if needed. That takes me down to a range of 7.2 to 10 from 8.6 to 11 (today).
I have a goals written out w/ end point of June 7th. My drops will be smaller as I get closer to goal. I'll drop the minis around mid May when I'm taking <0.6 for my regular doses. I am also tracking how I feel before dosing and after to try and midigate symptoms without feeling the addictive effects. That's where the balance gets tough!!!
I have several strains but MD is my typical. Reds tend to knock me out very easily, so if I run into sleep problems I can always substitute a much lower dose of a red at night. Maybe that's what I should do... Replace MD with reds that I can't tolerate well. That would be great incentive! Lol
Question... I've considered a big drop over a weekend, then increasing a bit but not to the previous dose (ie drop from 10/day to 6.0/day, struggle through 2 bad days, then go back to 7.5/day). I know my last attempt, I ultimately ended up taking less daily. Anyone had experience with anything similar? Ugh... I just want this over. I know I've abused substances to keep from feeling but now I actually want to feel. I've faced down some nasty demons and I want my life back. I know I'll always battle the false sense of "happy", but I miss the real deal. I have to face reality that I may have to wait on that to return over several months and will def need reminding that this is worth it.
It's so frustrating to realize I've altered my body and brain to this point. I'm trying hard to accept that it's served a purpose (though more costly than so many other options) but that purpose is long fulfilled. And I have to accept that 10 years of this type of addiction along with a lifetime of a variety of other addictions won't magically evaporate.
Additional helps I am using: daily meditation, daily journalling, focusing on self accountability by posting and making log entries daily, will be starting protein shakes to go with my vitamins to keep my nutrition up, too.
Thanks again to anyone wading through this massive gut spill. And to all who have gone through and/or are going through similar. I hate that others struggle but I'm so glad to not be on this road alone!
Back story: I started abusing rx meds 14 years ago, ranging from codeine syrup to Percocet, taking higher than rx'd doses. 9 yrs ago I found Tramodol. After abusing heavily & going through horrible withdrawals twice, I found kratom to help me get off. You can guess how that went.?
I've been using Kratom a year. At peak was around 3.5gm 4 to 5 times a day. I've attempted rapid tapers twice with no success quitting though I have lowered my intake. Dropping down initially isn't bad but I've gained to give my body time to adjust. The two big keys I've heard here are time to adjust and smaller. more frequent dosing.
The past 2-3 months I've taken 2.7 to 3.0g 4-5 times a day, averaging 11-12g/day. I sometimes go 8 hours if busy before noticing symptoms, but wrongfully thought I could do that consistently. Bad idea.
My plan is to drop 2xs/wk, Mon.(smaller drop-3 days to adjust) and Thurs.(more aggressive drop-4 days over weekend to adjust). I'm coming off a six wk leave of absence from working 60-65 hour wks + 2-3 weekends monthly, but no more! I'm in counseling weekly (past 1 year) identifying and coping with underlying problems. I am in a much better place and feel like I can cope with life without substances but breaking the physical and mental dependance won't be easy. My counselor doesn't know I use (occupational reasons) but we address other addictive behaviors (food, spending, work). I'm hoping the support here will bridge the gap.
I've given myself goals for 3 regular doses daily (when working I take less often, thankfully). I also plan smaller "help" doses in between as needed. Today I got up late with no major symptoms (midnight to 10am). Took 2.8g at 1030. Will try for 230, then 830pm with same dose. If trouble in between, can take 1.2gm doses.
Tomorrow is my first day back at work but it's a half day (counseling in the afternoon). Planning dosings 6am, 12pm, 6pm, each 2.6gm w/3 optional minis of 1.0. Tomorrow=big drop but hoping being busy will help and minis can be my crutch. (However, if that isn't working I'll have one higher dose (2.8) with me just in case and won't beat myself up if I use it). With any luck I'll hold that dosing until Thursday.
If no withdrawal symptoms by Thursday: 6am- 2.5, 12pm-2.5 and 6pm-2.2 with 0.9, 1.0 and 0.9 minis in between if needed. That takes me down to a range of 7.2 to 10 from 8.6 to 11 (today).
I have a goals written out w/ end point of June 7th. My drops will be smaller as I get closer to goal. I'll drop the minis around mid May when I'm taking <0.6 for my regular doses. I am also tracking how I feel before dosing and after to try and midigate symptoms without feeling the addictive effects. That's where the balance gets tough!!!
I have several strains but MD is my typical. Reds tend to knock me out very easily, so if I run into sleep problems I can always substitute a much lower dose of a red at night. Maybe that's what I should do... Replace MD with reds that I can't tolerate well. That would be great incentive! Lol
Question... I've considered a big drop over a weekend, then increasing a bit but not to the previous dose (ie drop from 10/day to 6.0/day, struggle through 2 bad days, then go back to 7.5/day). I know my last attempt, I ultimately ended up taking less daily. Anyone had experience with anything similar? Ugh... I just want this over. I know I've abused substances to keep from feeling but now I actually want to feel. I've faced down some nasty demons and I want my life back. I know I'll always battle the false sense of "happy", but I miss the real deal. I have to face reality that I may have to wait on that to return over several months and will def need reminding that this is worth it.
It's so frustrating to realize I've altered my body and brain to this point. I'm trying hard to accept that it's served a purpose (though more costly than so many other options) but that purpose is long fulfilled. And I have to accept that 10 years of this type of addiction along with a lifetime of a variety of other addictions won't magically evaporate.
Additional helps I am using: daily meditation, daily journalling, focusing on self accountability by posting and making log entries daily, will be starting protein shakes to go with my vitamins to keep my nutrition up, too.
Thanks again to anyone wading through this massive gut spill. And to all who have gone through and/or are going through similar. I hate that others struggle but I'm so glad to not be on this road alone!
& walk it out by not giving up, not seeing faltering as complete ruin. Any movement foreward is good! Some days just holding my own is good. Sometimes I'll fall back or get knocked down but that doesn't warrent staying down or deciding to purposely go backward. A big goal for me right now is to stand up to fear and push into it. Fear and failure have always been dirty words for me but they truly shouldn't be. If I'm doing anything worthwhile and challenging, there will be failings AND fears. In my past I've run from both... the wrong direction of course.