iliketoast
Bluelighter
Hello ..
when I started on BL this was the first place I came. I've been distracted for a little while, but life is bringing me back.
I was fighting myself, wondering if I was using too much...more days on than off speed generally means yes. I try to justify it by reminding myself I'm [rightfully] prescribed Adderall, but as we all know, meth is a totally different creature.
I was doing alright. I gave myself at least a couple days a week of recovery time, and then managed to get almost two weeks clean. I didn't beat myself up too badly when I picked up again, and I can't call it a relapse when I had no intentions to truly quit. Basically I've been maintaining at a low but constant level.
Then I met my current boyfriend.
We told each other about our use pretty early on. I should've disappeared. Now I haven't had any time off of it, except when I sleep, and my consumption and tolerance are definitely increased.
He is stubborn and doesn't believe in rest time. It's ALWAYS here. If he runs out, or goes too long without sleep (i.e. every other day), I get to act as the shock absorber of his meth-comedown bullshit. But of course, he can't see it that way, and instead misinterprets everything I say or don't say, gets angry with me over my "attitude," and pretty much demands that I fund his habit/addiction if he can't. Classic, right?
I was actually starting to come up money-wise - savings account was more than $2, I had plans to purchase a nice keyboard...
What the hell am I doing? I need help. I am not ready to quit, but I'm ready to cut down again. The only unsolvable issue with this guy is that he's an ADDICT with no sign of changing. Which kinda cancels out everything good...
I don't know what the purpose of this post is. I'm lonely and feeling like an idiot for seeing something like this coming and doing nothing to get out of the way.
I've tried talking to him about taking time off. He's always complaining about it "not working," so I try to explain the concept of tolerance and taking breaks ...but no effect, so I'm not really sure what goes through his head. It's like he enjoys feeling shitty all the time.
Is there another way to approach him about this? Is it possible for me to take care of myself and stay away from it at least for a little while when it's always around? Am I just trying to avoid the only true solution?
I just want a break. I can't even wrap my mind around completely quitting yet. But not being able to stop even for a couple days ....shit. So this is what it feels like.
Thank you for your time and empathy, lovely darksiders.
when I started on BL this was the first place I came. I've been distracted for a little while, but life is bringing me back.
I was fighting myself, wondering if I was using too much...more days on than off speed generally means yes. I try to justify it by reminding myself I'm [rightfully] prescribed Adderall, but as we all know, meth is a totally different creature.
I was doing alright. I gave myself at least a couple days a week of recovery time, and then managed to get almost two weeks clean. I didn't beat myself up too badly when I picked up again, and I can't call it a relapse when I had no intentions to truly quit. Basically I've been maintaining at a low but constant level.
Then I met my current boyfriend.
We told each other about our use pretty early on. I should've disappeared. Now I haven't had any time off of it, except when I sleep, and my consumption and tolerance are definitely increased.
He is stubborn and doesn't believe in rest time. It's ALWAYS here. If he runs out, or goes too long without sleep (i.e. every other day), I get to act as the shock absorber of his meth-comedown bullshit. But of course, he can't see it that way, and instead misinterprets everything I say or don't say, gets angry with me over my "attitude," and pretty much demands that I fund his habit/addiction if he can't. Classic, right?
I was actually starting to come up money-wise - savings account was more than $2, I had plans to purchase a nice keyboard...
What the hell am I doing? I need help. I am not ready to quit, but I'm ready to cut down again. The only unsolvable issue with this guy is that he's an ADDICT with no sign of changing. Which kinda cancels out everything good...
I don't know what the purpose of this post is. I'm lonely and feeling like an idiot for seeing something like this coming and doing nothing to get out of the way.
I've tried talking to him about taking time off. He's always complaining about it "not working," so I try to explain the concept of tolerance and taking breaks ...but no effect, so I'm not really sure what goes through his head. It's like he enjoys feeling shitty all the time.
Is there another way to approach him about this? Is it possible for me to take care of myself and stay away from it at least for a little while when it's always around? Am I just trying to avoid the only true solution?
I just want a break. I can't even wrap my mind around completely quitting yet. But not being able to stop even for a couple days ....shit. So this is what it feels like.
Thank you for your time and empathy, lovely darksiders.
