"Sorry" **Please Critique**

[a100unitSHOT]

This is a monologue I wrote for creative writing class. The teacher published it out of all my other poems, so there must be something to it... It's a read, but the ending is the best part (IMO), so if you're going to comment, please read the WHOLE thing. Thank you!

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Setting- A boy's bedroom. He is sitting on his bed. It is dark, and the clock indicates around midnight.
Erik hags up the phone and throws it across the room. He talks as though still talking to his girlfriend...
"What is going on?
(scratches his forehead)
Really? You know all I try to do is make you happy... What do you do?
Fight.
It doens't matter what I say or how I feel.
No, you say what you want to say and then shut me out.
(sighs)
That's fine, you know? As long as you're happy, and I'm sorry.
But I'm really not. You think I am. What do I have to be sorry for?
Telling you how I feel? I think not....
(pause) I'll just do like last time; pretend I'm sorry, let you sleep, and we'll be fine in the morning... again.
(stares at the ceiling, then gets a look of anger)
I hate it when you're mad. I hate it when you don't care!
You don't care!
I make sure when I get mad, you don't get hurt. When you're mad...
HA!!! Who cares about Erik's feelings?
The things you say tear me up inside, kill me.
Rape my heart.
You know this, and still, you don't care. You love me? How?!
You hurt me! I have cried every night for weeks! Because of you...
(face saddens) When I really think about it, why would you care?
I understand. I don't really deserve you.
All I do is try to make your life perfect. And I fail.
I fail at everything...
Life, school... Being a good son... a good boyfriend...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry about Valentine's Day.
(scoffs) Overrated... Again, I tried so hard, and again, it didn't work out.
(pulls out a picture of her and stares at it, he gets mad again)
You didn't make it any easier. You could have, but you didn't! That's just rude.
The things you said were so apathetic. Thanks.
You hate Valentine's Day? You have a boyfriend who doesn't care?
I CARE! You know I care!
Fuck you.
Swallow your precious pride.
You even called me Chris. How could you call me Chris?
I hate Chris.
You still talk to him.
(pause) Which is fine... but everytime you talk to him, things between us...
(voice softens) Go downhill...
You always talk about how you can't stand him. You sure are good friends for how much you hate eachother. Funny...
Now, I lie awake, staring at my Christmas lights, thinking.
Not sleeping. No, I don't sleep.
(he begins to cry) STOP!!!! All I want is for us to be happy!
Why can't you be happy?
We are happy, you just don't open your eyes and heart.
Let me back in! Please?!?!
(cries) I want this to end. I want to be happy.
I wish you could hear me right now. I wish you could see what you do to me.
You wouldn't listen anyway. You never do. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I tried so hard for you. I give up.
Goodbye Rachel.
(walks across the room, picks up the phone he threw earlier)
It's your turn to cry now. You'll regret being so rude and uncaring.
It's over this time. I don't even care. I don't.
(dials seven numbers, laughing to himself)
You had better answer the phone. I want to get this over with... finally.
(Rachel answers the phone... "hello?")
Rachel? Yeah, hi. It's me again. I've been thinking.
I've decided what I need to say.
(pause) Yeah, really.
(silence) I love you, Rachel.
I'm sorry.

 

[Mehm]

I def like the end too. The whole thing mirrors some of my relationship patterns unfortunately. In the end I think drugs cloud the mind.

A critique is that is reads like a teenager wrote it. Maybe they did and that is the point, which is fine.

good stuff

 

[a100unitSHOT]

Thank you for the post! Yeah, like I said, it was when I was in high school for creative writing, so I was eighteen at the time. It was definately written from a "teenager's" point of view. Haha. The ending..... Isn't that so fucking true?

Thanks again for reading!

 

[FuNkYJuNkY]

I've noticed something after reading some of your stuff. You have an uncanny ability to paint a very detailed picture of the story you are telling, as well as being able to pull the reader out of his/her world and right into the middle of the world that is being created in your writings. While reading this monologue, I forgot that I was sitting in my den behind my computer, but found myself in the same room as "Erik" throughout the whole piece. It takes a very talented person to be able to capture peoples minds in that way. A talent that you have shown on several occasions that you possess. I want more!!!!

 

[a100unitSHOT]

I've noticed something after reading some of your stuff. You have an uncanny ability to paint a very detailed picture of the story you are telling, as well as being able to pull the reader out of his/her world and right into the middle of the world that is being created in your writings. While reading this monologue, I forgot that I was sitting in my den behind my computer, but found myself in the same room as "Erik" throughout the whole piece. It takes a very talented person to be able to capture peoples minds in that way. A talent that you have shown on several occasions that you possess. I want more!!!!

Wow man. Thanks. That's what I go for....

 

[a100unitSHOT]

It's been three years, and this is still my favorite monologue. Any new comments/suggestions?