Sometimes things get worse before they get better

[Mafioso]

So it turned into a bigger relapse than I intended, but if I was in complete control I guess I wouldn't be writing this to begin with.

Things are bad, but they could be a lot worse. Just trying to keep my head from spinning in too many directions right now.

Blackouts are never fun and I'm starting to realize the danger. Knowing my sister worries that I might have overdosed when she hears sirens... well I guess it has given me a little perspective. I've worried about hurting others while blacked out but I've never really considered the possibility that I may not wake up, that I am heading in a direction that some never come back from. I guess I've always known it was possible, but perhaps it would just be the perfect unintentional solution to the ongoing problem I can not figure out.

That's part of it- sometimes I feel like I am a problem that I am just constantly searching for a solution to. I've been passionate about things, but deep down I have always felt lost, unsure of where I am and where I am supposed to be going. I've haven't found many things that make me feel at home like drugs and the underground culture that goes along with it. That identity seems to be the hardest thing to shake. It's not that I can't get rid of it, it's that it keeps coming back and I'm not sure what to put in its place.

Today was difficult, but a lot of good things happened. Things were said that needed to be.

I want to believe that I am safe again, that I am back on my feet and running but the truth is I am shaky. I just want to put life on pause and catch my breath, but at the same time I feel that I am behind and have no time to rest.

 

[herbavore]

That's part of it- sometimes I feel like I am a problem that I am just constantly searching for a solution to. I've been passionate about things, but deep down I have always felt lost, unsure of where I am and where I am supposed to be going. I've haven't found many things that make me feel at home like drugs and the underground culture that goes along with it. That identity seems to be the hardest thing to shake. It's not that I can't get rid of it, it's that it keeps coming back and I'm not sure what to put in its place.

I felt like this for such a major part of my life. Art and motherhood were where I found my "homes" but even these could not completely shake that feeling of lostness. Some of that is the human condition that we must all navigate individually but some of it is the layers of self-doubt we can gain control over with dedicated practice. One of the most powerful tools to use inside this feeling is the exploration of what it means to be rather than to do.



[QUOTE}I want to believe that I am safe again, that I am back on my feet and running but the truth is I am shaky. I just want to put life on pause and catch my breath, but at the same time I feel that I am behind and have no time to rest.[/QUOTE]

You are not behind--this goes back to the being vs doing. You are engaged deeply in redefining your relationship with yourself in order to improve your life and make it fit with who you are. It makes sense to be lured in with the comfortable places of the past but stay aware of how you think: you wanted out of that life for a reason(s) and facing the vacuum of what that life provided you--purpose, excitement, anticipation, familiarity is to be expected. You just have to keep the faith that all of that is available to you in other as yet unseen ways.

P.S. I still have nightmares of a red flashing line of light in the gap under my front door. Always thought it meant my son had been arrested or they were here to tell me even worse.

 

[Mafioso]

I like the idea of exploring what it means to be rather than to do. It seems like one of the hardest parts to changing behavior is staying mentally active and not allowing myself to slip back into old habits. Comfort is not necessarily a positive thing. I noticed how much I gravitate toward behavior that I am comfortable with rather than behavior that would better my life. Change can be pretty daunting and uncomfortable at times. It's hard to know how much I need to push myself since I feel like I pushed myself over the edge last time. There is a fine line between addressing an issue and pushing too hard for me, the balance seems hard to hold.

Trying to be considerate of other peoples' feelings without feeding on those feelings is a struggle as well. I've been catching myself worrying about how much worry I've caused my family.

Maintaining healthy boundaries and accepting responsibility for my own emotions isn't always easy. I wish I could speak freely about my emotions with my dad and that he could do the same but the same problems keep coming up. Things have gotten better to a degree but I want them to keep improving.

I'm doing ok today though, been both better and worse.

 

[Mafioso]

I'm going to work on some tangible goals this week I think. I've been catching myself questioning my behavior more than I think I should. Some level of questioning is good in my case, but I can't change by worrying about it.

-start exercising in the morning again.
-Don't wait to start my day because I don't have much planned/ a lot to do. Perspective goes a long ways. It's hard to see all the possibilities from inside my bedroom.
-Daily starters again every night before along with brief daily journal entries.
-Meetings. I don't really care much for them personally but they can serve a purpose. For me, I think I will benefit from the social aspect if nothing else.
-Start playing guitar again, even if I don't feel like it.
-Healthy eating habits.
-daily/weekly chores

I think the problem started this time when I began to let my daily schedule slip and giving myself more leisure time. Seems like the less I tried, the less I felt like trying. Exercising isn't always fun but there are a lot of benefits that come along with it in both the short and long term. There is nothing wrong with relaxing until there is. I don't want to push myself too hard and cause a bunch of anxiety issues again, but I need to put in some real effort at least.

 

[Mafioso]

Daily schedule really helps a lot. It's a bit of a pain at first but gets easier with time. It's something I learned in rehab, I am pretty thankful for one of the counselors that I had- he taught me a lot. It's so easy to let myself wander and feel lost when I don't have a plan. Nothing wrong with it from time to time, I like being flexible rather than rigid, but it is easy to become distracted and lose sight of my goals.

Initially I was planning my days out by the hour but now it more just setting enough obtainable goals that I will stay busy. The hourly thing is mostly just to keep from feeling overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. It really helps to have a plan of attack in both feeling and execution.

I've seen other people post similar lists and figured I'd share mine. I took a lot of things from other peoples' list myself. Start simple and build from there.

Hope things go well for you tomorrow. Just being outside helps I think, even if it is to just walk around the block.

 

[Tubbs]

Nature is a great distraction man, whether it's like you said a walk around the block, or a hike in the woods, it helps you take your mind off what's bothering you.

 

[herbavore]

I struggle so much with discipline. I make lists and then berate myself for abandoning them. Your list looks good because many things on it are short and doable, like writing something down, speaking an intention, etc. which will spur you on to stick with the ones on the list that will take more effort.

Do you like to sing when you play guitar? I love to sing but I notice that with age I have lost so much range--can't hit the high notes at all and even lows are shaky. My mom got me a singing lesson for my birthday with a teacher that is a decade older than I and she swears that it is all retrievable with exercise. I had the lesson scheduled but the leg break prevented me going so I'll make another one for the future. I also love to whistle and inherited a pretty good range in that from my dad. Age has diminished that capacity too. Maybe she can help with that as well.

I think you're doing great things to motivate yourself right now. As it relates to the being/doing discussion all of these things that you are going to do are centered around how you want to be (engaged and fulfilled) and that is a very good thing!

 

[Mafioso]

Nature is a great distraction. Probably one of the few healthy ones. Haven't really felt comfortable going out after this last relapse though. I want to but I see how much trust my family has lost in me and just feel like I would worry them more. Can't let this fear drive my behavior though, but I do feel the need to sort of prove that I can be okay to them. I don't like this feeling but am trying to accept that it is a consequence of my old behaviors.

I struggle so much with discipline. I make lists and then berate myself for abandoning them. Your list looks good because many things on it are short and doable, like writing something down, speaking an intention, etc. which will spur you on to stick with the ones on the list that will take more effort.

Do you like to sing when you play guitar? I love to sing but I notice that with age I have lost so much range--can't hit the high notes at all and even lows are shaky. My mom got me a singing lesson for my birthday with a teacher that is a decade older than I and she swears that it is all retrievable with exercise. I had the lesson scheduled but the leg break prevented me going so I'll make another one for the future. I also love to whistle and inherited a pretty good range in that from my dad. Age has diminished that capacity too. Maybe she can help with that as well.

I think you're doing great things to motivate yourself right now. As it relates to the being/doing discussion all of these things that you are going to do are centered around how you want to be (engaged and fulfilled) and that is a very good thing!

I can relate. Been trying to keep them simple as possible for the sake of my own sanity. I also started making daily, weekly, and monthly list. Daily is simple things like morning jog/walk, breakfast, etc. More of a schedule to plan my time. Weekly are little bigger projects or goals but still relatively simple. This week it is go to a meeting and pull weeds. Monthly is only one or two things as well. This month it is repair some damage to the railing on the front porch.

I love singing but haven't been practicing at all. The voice is really just a set of muscles and tissue coordinating together. I feel like a terrible singer if I don't practice every day. It's something anyone can do and excel at with daily practice. Warming up the voice is huge when it comes to increasing range. When I was doing at least 1 hr every day of vocal routines on top of writing and practicing songs I gained so much range in my voice. For a while I felt so free, which for someone who is typically more quiet and reserved, was surprising. When I get heavy into drugs though I stop playing.

Writer's block now, but am trying to tap back into my emotions.


Thanks for the encouragement. Today was a good day, went to work all day even though I couldn't sleep last night and threw up this morning. Didn't eat all day. Not sure if I have a stomach flu or if this is the result of this last relapse but I'm not letting it bug me. Started feeling irritable and really frustrated about an hour ago so I decided to check in here. I'm thinking I'll start a recovery blog in SL to continue this thread. Just trying to stay calm and peaceful. I feel restless and queezy. Court again this friday, negotiations have begun. The night prior to my last court date was the night of my last relapse. The only thing I can remember is getting told to wait outside because I wouldn't put down my phone. Yeah I fucked up pretty majorly this last round it turns out.

Even still with all that is going on right now I still feel hopeful and determined. Today was a pleasant reminder of what sober and happy feels like and it felt good proving to myself that I am capable felt great. Really trying to embrace the struggle this week and onward.


For anyone reading this and struggling as well, I hope you find the courage to truly and deeply believe in yourself. I hope that I find it too, feels like something has begun to bud.

 

[herbavore]

For anyone reading this and struggling as well, I hope you find the courage to truly and deeply believe in yourself. I hope that I find it too, feels like something has begun to bud.

You are an inspiration to so many of us here. (()) The most interesting thing for me in my own struggle to believe in myself has been the way you must reach backwards and forwards simultaneously. We all believed in ourselves so thoroughly as small children that we did not even think about it. There was no worthiness or unworthiness--simply being alive and engaged with the big exciting world outside of our bodies. Then, as happens to everyone, the ego develops and the forces of civilization start to batter us into whatever the ethos of the day is and the powers that be have always used a deep sense of unworthiness to control us. So you have to reach backward to your authentic self, your 3-year old self, while at the same time reaching beyond the internalized stresses of your time and place (I'm not successful enough, good-looking enough, smart enough, blah blah blah) to your accrued wisdom. Because despite everything coming at us, that 3 year old inside is still there, still the purest scientist, the purest artist, the purest sage. Integrating that aspect of self with the accumulated experiences and lessons of age is a golden state of being. I don't think we can ever truly be 3 again, nor should we want to, but we can learn a lot from that little perfect bubble of existence to help us through the inevitable self-doubt and self-judgment.

I'm wrapping you in my best protective energy coat for court, Mafioso. As my mom always said to us growing up, "Don't let the bastards get you down."

 

[chompy]

Man you are way better with words than me, you just basically said everything I'm feeling right now. I too relapsed and I have to now hunker down and deal with the wd's. Sending positive vibes towards ya man.

 

[Mafioso]

PM if you need to talk or you could always start your own thread here or in SL. It's hard to do these types of things alone, don't be afraid to reach out.

 

[Tubbs]

You both know by now you're among friends here to help in any way we can.

 

[Mafioso]

Thank you bp

 

[Tubbs]

No problem man, this is my therapy lol, if I can help someone else through hell it helps me, so feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to.

That goes for everyone.

 

[swilow]

For anyone reading this and struggling as well, I hope you find the courage to truly and deeply believe in yourself. I hope that I find it too, feels like something has begun to bud.

I've often read your posts in TDS and been really impressed at the calm wisdom you were sharing. I think you are on the right track to getting to that 'good life' we all imagine. Keep it going. And if you get there, please share it- I could dearly use it these days