Sober and contemplating suicide...

[somnilicious]

I have been completely sober for one year... I was a heroin addict for 17yrs. For 12 of those years I was on and off methadone and for 9 of those years I was also addicted to benzos.. I had a period in the late 90's of heavy MDMA abuse and I started having severe panic attacks shortly there after. I was constantly depressed and started developing various disorders... General body dysmorphia.. I wasn't obsessed with any one body part. Instead I simply hated the way I looked and was extremely critical of myself.. I then developed general anxiety, which led to mild agoraphobia. All of those led me to seek comfort in heroin.

I am now one year completely drug and alcohol free. I took great pride in beating my addictions and I had hope that my paws symptoms would subside.. I am constantly in and out of depression. Anhedonia... lack of motivation.. All of the above post MDMA disorders are starting to return.. I hate the face I see when I look in the mirror. I have even stopped going to AA/NA meetings due to these disorders, which are all relative to each other. I have a hard time concentrating and the anhedonia and lack of motivation are starting to wear me down.

I don't want to use but if this new reality persists much longer than suicide might become I distinct possibility.. Some days are better than others but my better days are simply when I am able to accept my new reality and remain hopeful that the natural order of the world will allow my brain to recover. I am starting to lose such hope. I am really struggling and I refuse to use. I will kill myself before giving into that option. Please! Somebody help... Encouragement... Hope... experience.. Love.... a pat on the back.. advice...I don't know what I am looking for? It is starting to get hard to get out of bed.. I just wanna sleep forever

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

I know the feeling. I really do. The hard part is getting outside of your own plight. We can become so self absorbed. What one needs imo is something very interesting and compelling to look forward to each day and or putting time into others, as in volunteering with others who are really also suffering. For me it was dogs as I have a very difficult time with humans. I wish you well friend.

 

[Moreaux]

I know how you feel. I struggled for years to get sober, and when I finally did I got hit with PAWS that lasted for two years, and anhedonia that spanned into the third year. I had a ten year run with benzos, and a 17 year run with alcohol, while dabbling in other drugs on the side. I too was suicidal, but decided to stick it out. I quit everything but alcohol in 2010, and alcohol in 2014, though I did quit alcohol initially in 2010 I relapsed on alcohol from 2012 a 2014. I takes time for the brain to heal and balance itself out. I notice improvement everyday, and I have hope for a full recovery eventually after accepting that it is going to take time. You're doing a phenomenal job, and have so much to be proud of. thr best thing you can do is go easy on yourself, eat clean and get enough rest every night, and about an hour of exercise (I walk - I absolutely lithe decision lol) in each day. They go along way to facilitating the healing process. Thre no point in killing yourself because you completed the hard part and the worst is almost over. Stay strong - what you're feeling is temporary and it will get better!

 

[simco]

[MENTION=253200]somnilicious[/MENTION], it sounds like this is not your first rodeo with this stuff, so i'll cut to the chase. for some of us, suicidality is just part of who we are. it's been that way for me for years, and drugs/recovery only exacerbated this.

i don't know you, but i can tell based on how you write and how you describe the experience of selfhood that you are a sensitive, reflective and insightful person. as such, you make the world better simply by existing. you're a rarity, a precious thing. please stay with with us. please don't leave early.

please be good to yourself. feel free to PM me if that even *might* ever help.

peace.

 

[herbavore]

Somni, I am so sorry. It sounds daunting but I truly believe that the most daunting times in our lives are an opportunity to break through our own limitations. There is great freedom on the other side of this phase of your life, just as there was great freedom gained when you pushed through your physical addiction and learned how to handle cravings. Remember all the strategies you had to employ every minute in the beginning? This is maybe not so different--just calls for new strategies. You are feeling exhausted by the struggle. Don't abandon the struggle but nurture yourself as much as you can while you are in it. Celebrate the small steps. Even writing this today was a small step you took for yourself. As simco said, the most sensitive among us suffer the most but the irony is that we also have more readily available the tools for our own healing: we acknowledge our vulnerability. I also like what Cosmic said about animals, which I would extend to trees and wild nature in general. When the human world is too much to be borne, don't think you have to give up; take your self out into nature and just lie down on the ground. There is nothing you need to be motivated for, nothing to prove at all. Your breath goes in and comes out as it was meant to do. You are perfect.

 

[somnilicious]

I just wanted to thank everybody that responded. It really motivated me and filled me with warmth to see so many people, that don't even know me, post such articulate, well thought out caring responses. Seeing the experiences of others, who have been were I have and made it out the otherside, gives me hope, inspiration and resolve. This is far from my first rodeo but I have little to no experience with sobriety outside of 2yrs on methadone that I actually managed to stay away from heroin and other drugs but that doesn't exactly count whatsoever. I need people like you guys, who are willing to come on here and share your wisdom.

I actually had a good day thanks to all of your support. I had to step back... slow down and be mindful of where I was... where I've been and where I am now. Gratitude is something that has to be tended and cultivated. Sometimes I just get ahead of myself and I feel I should be further along in my recovery but I am exactly where God wants me to be. I need to experience these things to gain strength.... Like steel being tempered by fire. One can't experience joy without knowing sadness nor appreciate serenity without having experienced inner turmoil.

I feel like I am Bi-polar sometimes because of PAWS. I just wish I could get over this fear of myself in relation to my fellow human beings. This is really preventing me from making meaningful connections and experiencing a sense of fellowship at this point in my recovery. It seems to come and go in waves though. One minute I feel centered, content(serene), carefree, clearheaded, confident and gregarious and then the next day out of nowhere my thoughts are racing and I can't think because I am so filled with irrational fears and anxieties that the thought of presenting myself before another human being is paralyzing. These cycles also seem to be connected to my sleep patterns(periods of restful sleep followed by insomnia). I just have to remind myself that this is just my brain trying to find equilibrium(it's a process).

It is amazing what a day can do to change your outlook and simply having a willingness to try out a different attitude.

Thank you [MENTION=334988]simco[/MENTION], [MENTION=77924]Cosmic Trigger[/MENTION], [MENTION=180594]Moreaux[/MENTION], [MENTION=198785]herbavore[/MENTION] and also [MENTION=289844]manboychef[/MENTION] for the response from the thread that proceeded the start of my own here in The Dark Side.. Love all of you guys.

-Somni

 

[herbavore]

So glad that you are feeling better.

 

[manboychef]

I am always here for you somni. We almost relapsed together before, maybe we can achieve enlightenment together instead.

It seems like you are at the same point I was when I decided there has to be a better way than twelve stepping. Once I type up my idea for new recovery protocols I will link you to it and we can work on it together.