• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

So, that was a step backwards

C

C_Tripper

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2008
Messages
616
Location
Australia
Last night and today were supposed to be productive.

Instead, it consisted of me binging on methamphetamine (which btw, works really really well plugged).

I'm about to pay off the people I needed to, but telling my girlfriend what I've done is not going to be fun.

So fuck this.

I need to get clean. No more drugs in my household. No more deals. No more anxiety.

I just worry I'll spiral right back into opiates... but at least they don't seem to do nearly as much psychological damage as uppers.

I need to go see a psychologist again I think. This depression is getting to me again.
 
All you can do for yourself is to be thoroughly and truly happy, man. Drugs aren't going to bring you any closer to that. I'm sure you know that. That's what it boils down to. A psychologist can help you, if you do think that depression is sinking in. It can get so bad.

Drugs aren't helping. I can understand how easy it is to say "fuck it," and just resort to getting fucked up. You're the only one that can stop you from doing that. But I bet your life is worth more than that.
 
Fuck them. Fuck drugs. I don't even drink nowadays. I think after 3 years (I only just turned 20) it's time to cut the bullshit and succeed. I kicked an Oxycodone dependency, I can do this.

First step, get a job.

Second step, immerse myself in science again to prepare for going back to University next semester.

Third step, Stop Making EXCUSES. *sigh
 
I don't know if this will help, but I heard and read the kratom can help addiction plus other aspects of life, like depression. This is just a random suggestion I thought might help.

And also chill with some friends and talk to people that are suffering from similar feelings?

Hope you feel better soon!
 
Opiates definitely help with my depression (I'm talking like for a few weeks after a dose). Tramadol especially (although I'd assume it's because it's a weak SSRI as well).

I'm currently self-medicating using Polarimine in low-ish doses. It helps, oddly enough. Could quite possibly be a placebo, but hey I'll take what I can get.

All the caps are gone from my house, so that's dealt with. No more!
 
How long has it been since you have stopped using opiates, and is that when the depression started?

Regarding kratom, I've heard it being used to prevent/minimize opiate withdrawal, but I'm not sure that it would be helpful for somebody who has already kicked the habit. It may just become a replacement for other opiates if you enjoy the effects. But I'm not really sure about this.

Anyways you already seem to have a plan so just stick with it. Don't be too hard on yourself for getting high the other day. Getting out and working would be great since you'll have so much time each day already accounted for. It makes it less tempting to binge too when you know you're going to have to face the next day on the job without having slept and feeling like complete shit.
 
Cheers Legerity.

I tell you what, I haven't even touched any stims since the stash was finished a few days back, and yet I'm still paranoid as fuck.

This time it's not being drug-fucked though, it's just sheer anxiety and worrying that my past actions are going to be back to haunt me.

My only saving grace is that I'm well and truly out of the game now. Tomorrow, all numbers pertaining to people that will only serve to drag me back in are deleted. Any remnants of my past exploits will be destroyed for good. All the people that needed to be paid off are. Lay low now and forever: I'm done with it.

All this shit has served to do is waste an entire year. There were some awesome bits granted, but it's not worth the ultra lows, the paranoia, the fear and anxiety that comes with this underground scene. I'm not strong (crazy?) enough.

I have a hell of a future in front of me if I work at it. Hell, I'm only 20 years old. Life is just getting started, so why the fuck am I letting myself destroy it?
 
Who knows, maybe there was something that you will have learned because of what you've been through the past year. It's easy to label something as a mistake because we don't see the purpose that it has served, but it may be exactly what you needed to experience.

A lot of people that go through heavy drug use become extremely grateful for the life that they have afterward, having been able to work through their issues.

A friend of mine put it nicely - If two people are standing at a cliff, and one person can see 50 feet down but the other can see 500 feet down, who is higher up? After having experiencing the lows, you may be better able to appreciate your baseline level because of the contrast.

Anyways, good luck with your decision :)
 
You can't understand the highest highs if you don't experience the lowest lows.

I'd agree entirely.

Nearly had a bit of a scare today, thought one of the people I'd paid off was coming back for more, but some communication later and it's all settled. I'm so close to being free...
 
hang in there. theres millions of ppl like urself. a long break from drugs is what i'm searching for as well.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top