So I'm confused about my sexuality

[Pagey]

Wow I seriously never thought I would be making this thread.
I've always identified as completely straight. Well, 'always' is a big word as I'm 19, but I've never really had any doubts about it. I've been vaguely attracted to women before (only a very select few though) but never for anything more than kissing. I've never fantasised about sleeping with a woman or anything. I've been having sex with boys/men since I was 15 and I never doubted that's what I liked until very recently.
Like these past few weeks I've realised I don't really feel safe with men. I feel completely objectified - and ironically enough, I've been seeing a guy lately who does everything but objectify me and for some reason that bothers me a lot as well. I'm just talking very generally, I mean this doesn't apply to every single man I've ever slept with but it's been a general trend this past year, except for a couple people.
On the other hand, I've been starting to see women differently. I've been noticing beautiful ones much more and wanting to be with someone gentle (yeah I know that's a massive cliché, but well). Somehow it feels like it would be better with women, or that, at the very least, I'd feel safer and in control. The control which is my specific problem with men.
To give a bit of context, I was raped (by a man) about 15 months ago. I don't mean to turn this into a pity thread AT ALL, but I think it's probably important to mention here. It did affect my behaviour when it comes to sex a lot, obviously, but I also shut about 99% of the memory out so I wasn't too damaged by it. However, I've recentlyl been tripping a lot and the memory and accompanying feelings have come back very strongly. It's since I've realised how I actually do feel about it that I've been having these doubts about men.
Sooo yeah...basically I'm just confused because I don't know if I'm just imagining being attracted to women simply cuz my past is making me nervous around men and well women are the other option, or if I might genuinely lean more towards the bi end. I would sleep with a woman to just kinda see how I feel about it but I'm afraid that if it turns out I'm not into it at all, it's really gonna go badly. I'm in a very fragile state atm so I'm a bit scared to take the risk.

This is all extremely confusing and strange to me because I've never doubted my attraction to men before so I have no idea how to deal with this new stuff. Any advice would be much appreciated

 

[pofacedhoe]

hmm i want someone gentle i can trust to me is not the same as i no longer fancy men and now find women sexually desirable.

i think you have opened your mind to your trust issues and because your emotions are not blotted out by painkillers you are now free to have insecurities and doubts that seem new and different but have probably been there albeit hidden since the attack

 

[One Thousand Words]

You just need to find a nice man who treats you right and shows you that your rape was by an individual, not the whole male race. Sure you can suddenly find women more appealing but that doesn't mean you have to drop all attraction to men. Who is to say that you get into a relationship with a woman who is also domineering? Time will hopefully heal most of your mental wounds and if not at least you get to experience some hot lesbian sex

 

[MrGrunge]

Humans (indeed, most mammals) have the capacity to be sexually attracted to just about anything. I completely reject the idea that people fall into 'categories' of sexuality (ie, Homo/Hetero/Bisexual) in favor of the idea that people are sexual, period. It doesn't matter with who or what, people will inevitably find themselves thinking "Man...I kinda want to fuck that." You're not confused about your sexuality, you're breaking the paradigm - you're starting to realize that sexual desire is not a binary choice, and that sometimes our bodies want what our minds aren't yet ready to accept. It's quite possible (if not entirely likely) that your terrible experience those 15 months ago was the catalyst for these feelings.

My advice: do what feels right. There's no need to agonize over unfamiliar feelings. If you find yourself interested in pursuing another woman, just go for it. Maybe you'll find something there that you've been missing up until now, or maybe not. Either way, you'll learn a lot of invaluable information about yourself.

 

[tomdpimp]

Take some time to recharge your emotions. If you think you might be attracted to women then meet some women platonically first. I think your too emotionally vulnerable right now. Talk to your current guy too about everthing. Build trust with him.

 

[llama112]

So maybe you are bicurious. You're 19, you have SO MUCH TIME to experiment! Why not just try it out? If it goes badly - who cares - it was an experience.

I find plenty of females attractive. I haven't done anything more than kiss another female but, if I wasn't in a relationship with the awesomest guy ever , then I would definitely want to experiment a bit more. (Who knows, I might get to, we're pretty open about things like that, but that's besides the point.) But there are plenty of times when I will see a female and just be like WOW! Aha.

Luckily, in this day and age, being bicurious is kinda awesome. There are opportunities. You're young and attractive

But yeah, if you just try it out, you'll find out it is either IS for you or ISN'T for you. You'll learn from it. Maybe you'll be bisexual and just wait for the "right person" who could be male OR female... who knows! (Don't mean to label you or anything ... I'm not into labels... but it's the best way I could word it lol) But why not experiment and have a bit of fun.

 

[GreenMachine]

well you are in a great age to experiment and try new things. if you start to fancy girls in ways you didnt before, then go for it. if you are dating a guy, most guys i feel like are okay with their girl experimenting with other ladies.

about guys being objectifying--many certainly are like that. but also, you are young and still learning about interpersonal relationships. guys are just as different from person to person as girls are. girls can be incredibly objectifying too, but in different ways. your boyfriend didnt choose to be a guy--he just is. he cant be blamed for something that another guy did just because they both have dicks. its like being blamed for slavery because you are white--you werent even around for all that mess.

communication is everything; if you and the guy you are with have a more sex-based relationship, if you guys are together mainly to party and have a good time i can see where things can get objectifying. know what you are getting into, and what for.

it sounds strange, but i am a guy in my mid-twenties and cannot find a meaningful relationship with a woman for the life of me. i can find all the casual sex i want but no one ever wants to stick around just to be with me. i feel like the roles have seriously been reversed on me. granted i am a musician and spend a lot of my time in bars, clubs, parties, festivals, etc. but the vast majority of girls i hook up with just want to "have fun", not a meaningful connection. i am incredibly picky about the girls that i like, so when i start to have feelings for someone that just wants to hook up but doesnt want to see me like that it bums me out and makes me feel like i wont ever find someone, but that doesnt mean that all girls are like that.

it doesnt sound like you are too confused about your sexuality, you like guys, and you might even like girls. it seems like you are confused about the kind of guy you really want. it sounds like you want someone who values you on a personal, emotional soulful level than on a physical, egotistical level. if this starts to bother you more and more it might be time to start seeing other guys. maybe not even breaking things off totally with your BF, but perhaps you should give yourself the chance to meet other guys and learn what kind of people they really are. unfortunately this kind of thing takes time, and you always run the risk that you could get hurt, but thats life.

im not totally anti-relationship but its pretty rare for me to find someone that i would want to be my girlfriend. i have trust issues too, but they are a different kind. i have been hurt emotionally, from jumping into serious relationships without really getting to know the person i am with, then when we realize there are parts of us that naturally drift apart, the other parts that genuinely like other have a hard time with it. you dont have to trust a guy on that level just to get to know what kind of a person he is. by all means, you have reasons to not trust people, but maybe you should give individuals the chance to earn your trust, even if its on a totally non-sexual level.

 

[Maya]

I agree with Green machine. You should definitely explore and see how it is. To tell you, I have had relationships with women in the past and emotionally I got hurt as well. I think relationship wise it really depends if you found the right person for you and whether it is a man or a woman, if you two are compatible it will all work out.

 

[Pagey]

Thanks so much for all the answers! I'll try to answer them individually -

pofacedhoe - yeah that's not what I meant exactly...I was having trouble expressing my precise thoughts. The thing is, it's not really about wanting someone gentle. That's the strange thing. It's more that sex with men now bothers me because I dunno, it's like there's something missing, whether he's gentle or not...aside from a few exceptions I just don't feel as safe or comfortable with it as I should. You're definitely right about the painkiller thing though, the reason this is all coming out now is surely because of the combo of no more heroin & lots of trips.

1kW - oh yeah no I really wasn't talking about dropping all attraction to men haha. I guess what bothers me really is that I'm much more attracted to men really, when it comes down to it, but now it's becoming more about feeling 100% secure and for some reason I don't know how to get that with a man. I mean obviously I'm aware that what happened to me doesn't represent the whole of the male race by any means, but I'm having trouble truly integrating that I suppose...I think another thing is I want/need to be able to fight back if something goes wrong and obviously well that's harder with men

MrGrunge - I agree, I'm not trying to make this about categories really. Hmm...I'm really having trouble explaining it. What's bothering me isn't the fact that I might eb attracted to women on top of men. As I mentioned in the OP, I've been attracted to women since long before what happened and I never gave it a second thought because I didn't really think it mattered either way. What's bothering me is more the potential reasons for this attraction. I'm not sure if I'm suddenly finding women more appealing because I simply find women moer appealing, or because I suddenly have trust issues with men. Cuz obviously if it's the latter it's a bit of a problem I guess...

The thing is that this trust thing doesn't limit itself to sex, it's a general thing. Like with my current guy - it's only been a few weeks but we've known each other for years - he knows about what happened to me and I told him I can have trouble with sex sometimes and all that, and he's incredible about it and I mean I trust him completely when it comes to respecting my limits and difficulties with it and stuff, but for some reason there's still something I really can't quite pinpoint that's stopping me from feeling 100% safe around him...and I dunno why.

tomdpimp - yes that's exactly it, I don't feel up to experimenting with it right now. Meeting women platonically is a good idea actually. I think I'll do that

llama112 -

If it goes badly - who cares - it was an experience.

Aah...unfortunately I care. I wouldn't normally (this isn't at all about lesbian prejudices or anything like that just btw, I seriously don't give a damn) but I'm ridiculously fragile in every pssible way right now, physically/emotionally/mentally, and I don't want to risk something like that going bad, at all. It really would bother/hurt me much more than it usually would. I really do feel like experimenting is out of the question for me right now. So I dnno what to do

GreenMachine - oh don't worry, I know every guy is different, every girl is different etc. I really don't have any conscious prejudices against men since it happened, it's something I can't control and trust me, I absolutely hate the fact that I feel it because I know how unfair it is to men. I also know I've turned down guys who may have been amazing because of it. I don't blame men for anything at all, but whenever any man touches me I can't help but have some kind of alarm go off in my head. Again, except for a couple exceptions. I mean this extends to any kind of touching...if I bump into a man in the street it freaks me out. If I bump into a woman it doesn't. I hate it and I hate hwo sexist it makes me sound because it really isn't like that
But I guess yes, as you put it I'm also confused about what kind of guy I want. But again, I expressed myself badly and it isn't exactly as you described. I have a guy right now who values me on a personal/emotional level and who's willing to work through all the physical stuff with me in just as long as I need. But still, I have no idea why, I don't feel like I should with him. There's always this tiny voice in my head asking me why he actually wants to be with me if it's not to take advantage somehow. It's really fucked up. Again, I hate it. I know it makes me soudn prejudiced but I just can't control it. Like this is someone I do trust completely - I've never trusted a guy more tbh. But still.

Jonnavi - same thing really. I'm afraid to experiment with women, whether it be for sex or relationships, cuz if it doesn't work out I simply won't be able to handle it right now. Ugh I don't know.

Again, thank you very much, this is all really helpful

 

[pofacedhoe]

if there is something missing from sex with men then that sounds a bit gayish as i find that kissing women just feels empty like its missing the desire part...

 

[Pagey]

No it's not that...aaah I'm having so much trouble explaining myself. The desire is there, I definitely like sex with men, I've just realised it makes me feel vulnerable and used more often than not. I guess that's the easiest way to explain it, if it makes sense.

And see that's the thing, like I've kissed women before and there could be some desire but it was always much less than with men. Now I'm attracted to women on a bit of a different level, as a kind of safety haven or something, which is why I just really don't know what to do with all those feelings. I guess I basically feel like I'm mostly straight (I'm just categorising to make things simpler to explain) but since I've been a bit damaged in the way I view men I don't really feel like I can be with them like I used to be, whereas for some reason I feel like women are less likely to hurt me, even though I'm not attracted to them as much. And even though rationally I know it's complete bullshit that women are less likely to hurt me than men.
Does that make sense?
Again, I know all this makes me sound a bit sexist but as I said I hate that I've started feeling this way about men but unfortunately I'm just not managing to control it, at all...

 

[soundsystem00]

I'm gentle.

 

[Pagey]

Good try. Impressive.

 

[tomdpimp]

Yeah i suspected your issue is being comfortable with anyone.

Spend time we people in a platonic way but also enjoy sex with your guy as you get your confidence back.

When was the last time you did Molly? That might be better option than heavy tripping.

 

[Maya]

Good try. Impressive.

Girl, I think you should just give it more time to sort out your feelings. I have been in your position before, and I even hated men for a while but with time and when you meet the right person it will change trust me on that. I have actually met my Mr. Right! such an amazing guy!

 

[Pagey]

Yeah i suspected your issue is being comfortable with anyone.

Spend time we people in a platonic way but also enjoy sex with your guy as you get your confidence back.

When was the last time you did Molly? That might be better option than heavy tripping.

You suspected right in fact I'm kind of wondering if I'd even be comfortable with a woman in any case, it's completely possible I'm just imagining it would be better because I see it as the other option when it wouldn't be...
Thing is I don't even enjoy sex with my guy. With him it's that he's too gentle. I feel like now whenever we have sex he's constantly thinking about how not to upset me. Like I feel like I've become Pagey the rape victim in his eyes or something...I hate it. Frankly the more I think about it the less I understand about all this. It's like nothing is right with sex anymore, there's always some kind of problem, whether it be that I'm scared, that I feel objectified, or that I feel he's worried...I dunno.

You know, molly might actually be a pretty good idea, it's been a while. I definitely need to cut out the heavy tripping because I've been doing that way too much and it's startnig to have a negative impact...I think I've squeezed everything I can out of it for now anyway. But molly could be a good way to reconnect with people. I'll think about it, cheers

Girl, I think you should just give it more time to sort out your feelings. I have been in your position before, and I even hated men for a while but with time and when you meet the right person it will change trust me on that. I have actually met my Mr. Right! such an amazing guy!

Yeah I guess...I don't know, what bothers me really is that I'd like to know if these feelings are really mine or just the result of a trauma. And I'm not really sure how to figure that out except by sleeping with a woman, which I don't feel able to right now. But I guess you're right, surely I'll feel safe once I meet the right person. Glad you have anyway thanks for the advice x

 

[Corazon]

Wow I seriously never thought I would be making this thread.
I've always identified as completely straight. Well, 'always' is a big word as I'm 19, but I've never really had any doubts about it. I've been vaguely attracted to women before (only a very select few though) but never for anything more than kissing. I've never fantasised about sleeping with a woman or anything. I've been having sex with boys/men since I was 15 and I never doubted that's what I liked until very recently.
Like these past few weeks I've realised I don't really feel safe with men. I feel completely objectified - and ironically enough, I've been seeing a guy lately who does everything but objectify me and for some reason that bothers me a lot as well. I'm just talking very generally, I mean this doesn't apply to every single man I've ever slept with but it's been a general trend this past year, except for a couple people.
On the other hand, I've been starting to see women differently. I've been noticing beautiful ones much more and wanting to be with someone gentle (yeah I know that's a massive cliché, but well). Somehow it feels like it would be better with women, or that, at the very least, I'd feel safer and in control. The control which is my specific problem with men.
To give a bit of context, I was raped (by a man) about 15 months ago. I don't mean to turn this into a pity thread AT ALL, but I think it's probably important to mention here. It did affect my behaviour when it comes to sex a lot, obviously, but I also shut about 99% of the memory out so I wasn't too damaged by it. However, I've recentlyl been tripping a lot and the memory and accompanying feelings have come back very strongly. It's since I've realised how I actually do feel about it that I've been having these doubts about men.
Sooo yeah...basically I'm just confused because I don't know if I'm just imagining being attracted to women simply cuz my past is making me nervous around men and well women are the other option, or if I might genuinely lean more towards the bi end. I would sleep with a woman to just kinda see how I feel about it but I'm afraid that if it turns out I'm not into it at all, it's really gonna go badly. I'm in a very fragile state atm so I'm a bit scared to take the risk.

This is all extremely confusing and strange to me because I've never doubted my attraction to men before so I have no idea how to deal with this new stuff. Any advice would be much appreciated

you sound like have a little bit of PTSD going on.

The more you you deal with the trauma and stress from your rape, the better.

You don't want that to dictate your sexuality, even if it just turns out that you are bi or lesbian, you will want to explore those avenues without that weight on your shoulders.

good luck

 

[Tude]

I'm gentle.

Smooth! Lol

Pagey, I think you shouldn't pressure yourself to define your sexuality. Especially right now, that you SURVIVED a traumatic event. Whether or not your life was in danger, you're a survivor. I'm thinking this is a transient thing-your attraction to women-in the aftermath of what happened to you. Like you said, women are the alternative to men, who you don't feel quite safe with at the moment. This is cliche, but I'd recommend giving yourself time for your mind to recover.

But if I'm wrong, and it turns out you're bi, then congrats! Lol you have twice as many options relationshipwise!

 

[pofacedhoe]

Yeah i suspected your issue is being comfortable with anyone.

Spend time we people in a platonic way but also enjoy sex with your guy as you get your confidence back.

When was the last time you did Molly? That might be better option than heavy tripping.

it is good for pstd type issues but only with a therapist/ someone to talk you through it at low doses (100mg). high dose hedonism will do nothing but give you a comedown

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

You're 19, just went through a traumatic experience, in emotional denial, it's okay to be bi-curious. You are in a fragile state of mind, but do whatever you think will help get you through the pain (whether permanent or temporary)--being bi/les isn't really a bad thing (better than drugs, fur sure).