slowly starting to hate myself

[Unregistered II]

growing up we all make stupid decisions, but i constantly think about the stupid shit ive done and its getting to the point that i cant take it. i dont have any REAL friends, and the people i do know, i feel as if they secretly dislike me, and all they do is talk shit about me when im not around.

earlier today i asked this girl i knew if i could use her phone, since mine was out of minutes, and i could see the look in her face and hear the disgust in her voice that she just wants nothing to do with me. and its things like this that just constantly remind me of how much people dont like me. ill send people messages, no response, ill call someone, no answer, ill text them, no response. every time that happens im reminded that im just unliked, and i dont know how much longer i can deal. i know people talk about me behind my back, but when i see people they act as nothings wrong.

i did have friends, but they all use heroin and smoke crack, and ive been off dope for almost 2 months. when i was using, i didnt care nearly as much of what people thought of me, all i cared about was getting a fix, and that lead me to do some shit i wish i didnt. ive been clean for almost 2 months and i dont know how to deal with all this shit. i just wish people would tell me to my face that they didnt like me, instead of leading me on to think were friends, just to have them ignore me, and purposely avoid me to find out that they dont like me.

ive never wanted to leave so badly in my entire life. but i have no where to go. im trying my best to do good in this community college so i can eventually transfer to somewhere that no one knows me and no one talks to eachother about me. but everyday i show up to school im faced with all these people that i have a history with, and i constantly feel as if all these people i go to school with know everything ive done, and dont like me, although i know 75% have never heard of me before. It cant shake that feeling, it urks me and im so scared about being in public because someone i know might see me. and the people who dont know me just view me as some depressed drug addict that no one likes. that im desperate.

im not an emo suicidal type person, i always thought suicide was a cop out. but the worse i get the more suicide appeals to me. i wish i could just curl into a ball in my room and never leave, and never see anyone, and i wish people would forget i ever existed.

sorry about the long rant but it was the only way i could get that out without crying in the middle of the schools library. thanks for listening

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi there, firstly welcome to Bluelight. I hope you register with a username so we can get to know you a bit better

Sorry to hear that you're feeling so down and alone. I know it's hard when you're depressed but you should try to remember that being clean off dope is actually a huge achievement and you should be really proud of yourself!! So congratulations for that, keep it up.

All things aside, I am certain that people don't hate you the way that you think they do. I have suffered depression my whole life so I know what it's like to feel like everyone is against you. But in reality, they probably aren't. It's just the chemical imbalances in your brain that are making you feel depressed, anxious and alienated.

Have you ever had any counselling for your depression or anxiety? Do you think this might be something you would consider doing? I'm sure there is a counselling service at your college. They might not be able to help you with your actual social issues that you face, however they will be able to help you learn different coping methods for when you're feeling really down. This in turn might help with how you cope at school and in social situations.

Good luck, and take care of yourself

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Remember that it is no easy feat to quit using drugs, be proud of what you've gained out of quitting.

 

[Doshes]

YES! listen to the previous 2 posters.
I must echo what they say, give urself some credit for the positive things uve done for urself. I do understand beating urself up 24/7 bc i used to be way overly-critical of myself. So take time out to appreciate ur hard work.

And try to concern urself less w what others think! ppl r crazy and do and say stupid things all the time. Never base ur mental or emotional well-being off of other's actions.

Honestly, when i was having similar social problems, nothing helped me more than having an educated shrink to talk to. that guy helped me sooo much by relating to me and giving me suggestions that he used to help himself behave better in social situations.

my .02, since u kinda asked for it by posting : ) relax on urself as mush as possible!! we can easily do WAY more harm to our own well-being than any outsider ever could. Keep at ur studies and transfer somewhere else when ur ready. use this opportunity to re-define urself. make the changes u want to c in urself and u will feel much better. If you want to be a different person, than start by making the first steps.

best of luck
~J