Meth Slamming meth

[Methamphetanonymous]

He's gay and gay sex culture is super infested with rampant chemsex/meth use. So he is being validated by his gay tina using community, unfortunately. I do think he is in denial. Every single gay guy I've known who went the tina route ended up in really, really bad straits requiring rehab and long-term community support to stay sober.

I do not currently hang out with him, not because I'm specifically avoiding him, but because he is hard to reach. I think he's up to no good but I don't have much control over a 35 year old man.

Yep, just be available and don't commit to anything you don't feel you can. Don't be afraid to see the line where your energy stops being worth it and stepping back. Have a limit and know it. No sense in putting two people through enormous stress and pain. There's some friends who I'd move mountains for to help, and there's some just haven't been in my life in a way that I would risk as many resources and emotion on only for them to relapse and dissappear anyways. But being there to listen when I can or give rides when I can is typically something I can offer anyone

Definitely don't interject, even though I think your concern is well placed. Like you said, you can't make him do what he doesn't want to do or change his mind with your words. And meth users are likely to receive that kind of reality check incredibly emotionally and poorly

It's a shame how universal and abundant the drug has become, and all signs indicate it is going to get exponentially worse in the next year

 

[Foreigner]

Yep, just be available and don't commit to anything you don't feel you can. Don't be afraid to see the line where your energy stops being worth it and stepping back. Have a limit and know it. No sense in putting two people through enormous stress and pain. There's some friends who I'd move mountains for to help, and there's some just haven't been in my life in a way that I would risk as many resources and emotion on only for them to relapse and dissappear anyways. But being there to listen when I can or give rides when I can is typically something I can offer anyone

Definitely don't interject, even though I think your concern is well placed. Like you said, you can't make him do what he doesn't want to do or change his mind with your words. And meth users are likely to receive that kind of reality check incredibly emotionally and poorly

It's a shame how universal and abundant the drug has become, and all signs indicate it is going to get exponentially worse in the next year

I know exactly what's going to happen because every friend I've known struggling with addiction follows the same path. He will ignore me and keep using because he doesn't want my voice of reason trying to stop him. Then when he hits rock bottom and has nobody left in his life who gives a shit, his rent is a month overdue and his electricity is about to be shut off, he'll contact me to save him.

What's on me is deciding, right now, ahead of time, if I'm going to put myself through this shit again. I am always the helper and almost never the helped.

 

[Methamphetanonymous]

I know exactly what's going to happen because every friend I've known struggling with addiction follows the same path. He will ignore me and keep using because he doesn't want my voice of reason trying to stop him. Then when he hits rock bottom and has nobody left in his life who gives a shit, his rent is a month overdue and his electricity is about to be shut off, he'll contact me to save him.

What's on me is deciding, right now, ahead of time, if I'm going to put myself through this shit again. I am always the helper and almost never the helped.

I mean even if this time is different, that possibility is unfortunately not uncommon once you're at a certain stage of addiction

Unfortunately I learned a long time ago that anything you give to a person, time, trust, energy, emotion; must be done knowing that you get it back. And there's no shame deciding based on the circumstances when that's too big of an ask, and ties need to be cut. Sometimes that actually is the most wise and mature path, because I've seen people who can't learn when to leave a loved one behind and then their life begins to crumble and the people who rely on their stability get throw into chaos and the cascade goes on and on

And hey there's people in my life who I would likely give a lot more to than they would to me, but the quality of how they enrich my life is high not the quantity or effort if that makes sense. I reflect before committing a cut into my life and priorities on whether I truly believe that's worth the risk to my stability or if I am just determining my self worth on what I've 'done' for people and how they think of me. Because I struggle with that; knowing whether I'm offering my help with integrity and not over extending myself

The people who give you the happiness in life that you feel you give to them? Those are the ones you get in the ring with

 

[Foreigner]

I mean even if this time is different, that possibility is unfortunately not uncommon once you're at a certain stage of addiction

Unfortunately I learned a long time ago that anything you give to a person, time, trust, energy, emotion; must be done knowing that you get it back. And there's no shame deciding based on the circumstances when that's too big of an ask, and ties need to be cut. Sometimes that actually is the most wise and mature path, because I've seen people who can't learn when to leave a loved one behind and then their life begins to crumble and the people who rely on their stability get throw into chaos and the cascade goes on and on

And hey there's people in my life who I would likely give a lot more to than they would to me, but the quality of how they enrich my life is high not the quantity or effort if that makes sense. I reflect before committing a cut into my life and priorities on whether I truly believe that's worth the risk to my stability or if I am just determining my self worth on what I've 'done' for people and how they think of me. Because I struggle with that; knowing whether I'm offering my help with integrity and not over extending myself

The people who give you the happiness in life that you feel you give to them? Those are the ones you get in the ring with

I agree with you. Also, on a practical level, he has family who has money. He doesn't communicate with them but he's not on the outs with them either. If he reached out to them from his dark place, they would probably do something. Bare minimum they would pay for private rehab, assuming there is such a thing in Canada (not sure).

The bare minimum I would do is drop him at a hospital if he was at imminent risk of death. I think I've decided that I'm not willing to do much more than that. I'm stretched pretty thin myself right now (I won't get into it), and I'm not getting much help myself. It's just going to make me feel more bitter trying to rescue someone who would never do the same for me. Well, maybe one day if he recovers he will appreciate the interventions I tried to give him in the past... but I have cut addicts out of my life for the most part. I'm sorry if that sounds horrible and prejudiced. I have just been burned so many times that I can't have it around me anymore. Somehow their problems always become my problems and I'm trying to get my life together.

 

[Methamphetanonymous]

I agree with you. Also, on a practical level, he has family who has money. He doesn't communicate with them but he's not on the outs with them either. If he reached out to them from his dark place, they would probably do something. Bare minimum they would pay for private rehab, assuming there is such a thing in Canada (not sure).

The bare minimum I would do is drop him at a hospital if he was at imminent risk of death. I think I've decided that I'm not willing to do much more than that. I'm stretched pretty thin myself right now (I won't get into it), and I'm not getting much help myself. It's just going to make me feel more bitter trying to rescue someone who would never do the same for me. Well, maybe one day if he recovers he will appreciate the interventions I tried to give him in the past... but I have cut addicts out of my life for the most part. I'm sorry if that sounds horrible and prejudiced. I have just been burned so many times that I can't have it around me anymore. Somehow their problems always become my problems and I'm trying to get my life together.

Doesn't matter what it sounds like, it matters that you believe you did what's best for your progression in life. If you get sucked in and wind up depressed, riddled with trauma and trust issues, or like sometimes happens you pick up an addiction yourself and for whatever reason he is gone from your life anyways, now you're life has stopped dead in it's tracks for like a year. That's 365 days that you're out of commission, not enjoying life or helping others who may need it

I've cut out addicts, I've cut out people who resort to dishonesty too often, and I've cut out people who have lost my faith on getting help for their mental illness. Ultimately I've learned that I can only be as helpful as I am content, optimistic, and stable in my life. If I try over extending when I'm already burnt out then I'm gonna be bringing uncomfortable negative energy to the table both for me and for them which just escalates more bad energy and can push me into a cycle that I struggle to get myself out of for a long time

I made a whole lot of people I loved burn the wick all the way down and leave me during my addiction to alcohol. They're always gonna remember me as a monster, and I will never see them again to show them that I'm not that person now. I got left entirely alone after friends I'd grown close to over the first 29 years of my life gave everything to me and more to see me become sober.

When I made the decision to stop drinking and succeeded, I didn't think about a single one of them in order to finally make the change. Actually if anything some of that motivation was more for the loved ones I hadn't met yet, the strangers who haven't crossed my path. I needed to make peace with myself and learn to take actions that make me proud of myself and keep me strong so that those people would get to see that version of myself

Your friend isn't gonna change until he realizes he can, and that there's no way to do it without pain. Defining and enforcing your boundaries is important to help in the ways you're willing, and keep your distance from making his problem your problem

 

[Foreigner]

Doesn't matter what it sounds like, it matters that you believe you did what's best for your progression in life. If you get sucked in and wind up depressed, riddled with trauma and trust issues, or like sometimes happens you pick up an addiction yourself and for whatever reason he is gone from your life anyways, now you're life has stopped dead in it's tracks for like a year. That's 365 days that you're out of commission, not enjoying life or helping others who may need it

I've cut out addicts, I've cut out people who resort to dishonesty too often, and I've cut out people who have lost my faith on getting help for their mental illness. Ultimately I've learned that I can only be as helpful as I am content, optimistic, and stable in my life. If I try over extending when I'm already burnt out then I'm gonna be bringing uncomfortable negative energy to the table both for me and for them which just escalates more bad energy and can push me into a cycle that I struggle to get myself out of for a long time

I made a whole lot of people I loved burn the wick all the way down and leave me during my addiction to alcohol. They're always gonna remember me as a monster, and I will never see them again to show them that I'm not that person now. I got left entirely alone after friends I'd grown close to over the first 29 years of my life gave everything to me and more to see me become sober.

When I made the decision to stop drinking and succeeded, I didn't think about a single one of them in order to finally make the change. Actually if anything some of that motivation was more for the loved ones I hadn't met yet, the strangers who haven't crossed my path. I needed to make peace with myself and learn to take actions that make me proud of myself and keep me strong so that those people would get to see that version of myself

Your friend isn't gonna change until he realizes he can, and that there's no way to do it without pain. Defining and enforcing your boundaries is important to help in the ways you're willing, and keep your distance from making his problem your problem

Thank you for your generosity of spirit in corresponding with me about this. It has helped. I think I have a bit of an abandonment complex when I think about walking away from him, but you have helped me realize that it's okay to walk away. Something a therapist once told me... you can love someone and also be walking away from them at the same time. It's a hard lesson to practice but ultimately it might be for the greater good. At the very least it will keep me sane.