Mental Health Sick and Scared To Get Help

[EatMushrooms]

So the nature of my personality is to conceal basically anything that is wrong with me. I've done it my whole life going all the way back to when I was just a child. Last year I developed a stomach hernia and didn't even mention it for 6 months because I don't even know why. I just live with the pain. And I've been living with some sort of mental illness for about 8 years now and haven't mentioned it to anybody, so this would be the first time.

It manifests in many different ways and at different times, with no pattern other than it gets worse when I get more stressed. It ranges anywhere from "mild disturbance" to "barely noticeable" to "unimaginable suicide thought inducing never ending waking nightmare". There's audits hallucinations. Sometimes it's unintelligible like a group of people talking in the distance. Sometimes it's just a woman screaming over and over and over again. Other times it's just my own thoughts magnified out loud and repeating endlessly. I get stuck in what I describe as a thought loop almost once a day that I get stuck in for minutes or maybe a half hour at worst. It's awful, especially during class, it gets so hard to concentrate even when we are studying something I love dearly.

I guess some background is in order. I'm 27 now, about to finish school. Basically never had a real job, still depend on my parents who lovingly support everything I do even though I'm quite the fuckup. I always thought I was a little different. I was doing fine in college, 18, promising career as a freelance musician. Then this hit me like a ton of fucking bricks around age 19. I don't even remember exactly how it started. Just suddenly I started to get scared to go outside. Or to go to class. Meeting new people seemed terrifying and it made no sense because I was in a fraternity, heavily involved in many bands, and an avid party goer. I started to lose trust in everybody, and I was suspicious of people for no reason, but I couldn't help it.

I lived on a small campus, so I didn't have a car except for one my older brother (who also went to college with me) that he would let me drive occasionally. Walking home from places now became to scary to do. I was convinced that every car that went past was going to kill me. Like, somebody pull a gun out the window and shoot me. I was certain everytime a car went by. That isn't so bad anymore, although social situations frighten me. I stopped going to classes that weren't my jazz band and failed everything else. Lost my scholarship, got this thing called academic forgiveness, got my shcholarship back, failed everything again and lost it again. Parents decided not to keep wasting money and got me to come live back at home.

So there I lived for about 4 years before moving out and getting back into school. Those 4 years were the worst. I started hearing a new voice. It was evil, that is the only way to describe it. It would suggest bad things for me to do. Scream them at me, laugh manically. It would taunt me for hours. Then it would go away and come back later to do the same. The things that have gone on inside my head are scary. To scary for me to probably ever say out loud. I'd be afraid they'd lock me away against my will. It made me want to kill myself. The people I love I didn't want to be near because I didn't want something telling me to hurt them or mistrust them. For awhile I didn't like being around anybody. I hid in my room away from the world, playing xbox all day to distract me from the voices and thought loops and paranoid feelings.

I never was worried that I might hurt somebody, just the constant screaming at me was very mentally draining. I know right from wrong, and I know that this is just something wrong with my brain and it isn't my fault. These things happen, people get sick. It's just so hard. It's been many years now of thinking about suicide on a daily basis, sometimes hourly. But other times I have intense high periods. I don't hear the voices or have the paranoia. I'm happy and upbeat and energetic and it can last for days or weeks or even months. Then for no reason I'll be sad again. All the happiness will be sucked out of the world. I don't enjoy the songs I love or the shows I like. I don't want to talk to people, even if they are friends and sitting right next to me. I hate feeling this way.

There's so much more but it's late and I have to be up early. I don't even know what I'm trying to ask here, I'm scared of what people might think. I don't know who to talk to about this. I don't have many friends as you could imagine how my social life may have taken a hit. My mother would probably worry herself into a heart attack, so I don't know how to mention it to my parents. I don't have any idea on how to find a doctor for this or even if my insurance will cover it. I feel like I'm rambling so I'll stop. Thank you for reading this far if you have, and again thank you for any words you may have for me.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Insurance will cover.
Click here! ---> http://locator.apa.org/ (American Psychological Association)
Type in your zip code and you can search by preference: Specialties (Substance/Abuse, Pain Management, etc), Gender, Nationality, Religion, Ethnicity, Sexual Orientation.
Give them a call and see who accepts your insurance. Copay is usually around $15 for 50mins.

Make at least 3 appts and see them all. You aren't stuck with the first one and with therapists, you definitely want to try at least 3! Therapists are soo different from each other so you want to make sure that this therapist is the right fit for you. Trust me, you'd be able to tell by the first session if they are somebody that you are able to have a trusting long-term relationship with.

I understand that you're scared to talk about it with a fear of being committed. The only reason that a therapist will commit you is if you have the intent to harm yourself or others. You can talk about that with your therapist, exactly what does that mean, etc. If they do have you committed, it's only for your safety and can only hold you up to 72 hours.

From your post, it sounds like you may be bi-polar with psychotic features.

 

[Hilary]

I totally understand your fear of looking for help. It can often mean involuntary commitment, a psychiatric label, and drug treatment with an uncertain outcome. If you don't want to see a psychiatrist, there are things you can do on your own to try to turn yourself around:


Possible causes (and contributors) of psychosis:
Lack of sleep and stress
Lack of exercise
Poor Diet
Neurotoxins: Alcohol, THC, caffeine, Nicotine, Sugar
Excess caffeine (and/or a caffeine allergy)
Food allergies
Candida overgrowth
Excess free radicals
Electrolyte imbalance
Vitamin deficiencies or imbalances
Lack of exposure to bright light and sunshine
Magnesium deficiencies
Lack of Omega 3 fatty acids
Heavy metal poisoning or Toxins


CBD oil has been used successfully for anxiety, pychosis, and schizophrenia. It's legal and doesn't have any reported side effects. I would encourage you to have someone help you to locate a good product. Maybe your parents would be willing to help. I'm sure they would want to help you if they could.

You are probably right that your mother would be worried if she knew the extend of your troubles. A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child.

 

[EatMushrooms]

Insurance will cover.
Click here! ---> http://locator.apa.org/ (American Psychological Association)
Type in your zip code and you can search by preference: Specialties (Substance/Abuse, Pain Management, etc), Gender, Nationality, Religion, Ethnicity, Sexual Orientation.
Give them a call and see who accepts your insurance. Copay is usually around $15 for 50mins.

Make at least 3 appts and see them all. You aren't stuck with the first one and with therapists, you definitely want to try at least 3! Therapists are soo different from each other so you want to make sure that this therapist is the right fit for you. Trust me, you'd be able to tell by the first session if they are somebody that you are able to have a trusting long-term relationship with.

I understand that you're scared to talk about it with a fear of being committed. The only reason that a therapist will commit you is if you have the intent to harm yourself or others. You can talk about that with your therapist, exactly what does that mean, etc. If they do have you committed, it's only for your safety and can only hold you up to 72 hours.

From your post, it sounds like you may be bi-polar with psychotic features.

Ok, this is very helpful. Thank you. That's actually much cheaper than I was imagining. I'm pretty weary of meeting new people these days so I will probably have to follow your suggestion and make a few appointments. It's just scary. Even picking up the phone scares me. Not just for this reason, for any reason. Today was a good day at least. Actually getting things out in the open, even if just on a forum, is refreshing. Obviously my issues are much more complex than I can get across through a computer, but I really appreciate the help. Seriously.

I totally understand your fear of looking for help. It can often mean involuntary commitment, a psychiatric label, and drug treatment with an uncertain outcome. If you don't want to see a psychiatrist, there are things you can do on your own to try to turn yourself around:


Possible causes (and contributors) of psychosis:
Lack of sleep and stress
Lack of exercise
Poor Diet
Neurotoxins: Alcohol, THC, caffeine, Nicotine, Sugar
Excess caffeine (and/or a caffeine allergy)
Food allergies
Candida overgrowth
Excess free radicals
Electrolyte imbalance
Vitamin deficiencies or imbalances
Lack of exposure to bright light and sunshine
Magnesium deficiencies
Lack of Omega 3 fatty acids
Heavy metal poisoning or Toxins


CBD oil has been used successfully for anxiety, pychosis, and schizophrenia. It's legal and doesn't have any reported side effects. I would encourage you to have someone help you to locate a good product. Maybe your parents would be willing to help. I'm sure they would want to help you if they could.

You are probably right that your mother would be worried if she knew the extend of your troubles. A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child.

All of those factors sort of describe me. I have trouble sleeping often. Not all the time but a good bit. Over the years I haven't exactly taken care of my body. I had all kinds of dental problems that took many visits and too much money to fix. I was diagnosed with anorexia last year because acid reflux and a hiatal hernia made eating anything a painful and sometimes agonizing experience. Lost 25 pounds and during that time my anxiety was pretty high. But yeah, I'll definitely look into the CBD oil. Thank you for the input.

 

[herbavore]

I hope that you will go talk to a professional mental health professional--what you are experiencing is not going to go away on its own. Research hearing voices and research what different psychiatrists will suggest as treatments. There is a wide range of thinking about everything from psychosis to treatment so arming yourself with the knowledge of what is out there can only help you. Finding professional healers that you trust, learning to evaluate for yourself what is working and what isn't and creating multiple strategies for dealing with the issues you are facing will take a lot of persistence but this is where you need to put your energy. I am a parent of someone that struggled with mental illness (and have done so myself) and it hurts my heart to hear you describe yourself as a "fuck-up". You are facing more challenges than most people will ever face so don't worry about the superficial parts of your life right now--they'll wait. Concentrate on the deeper aspects of what is making you ill. Your parents want your happiness, not your success. Or rather, they want you to succeed at finding the peace within. We all lose sight of the real struggles so easily--so even if it feels that they are focused on you going back to school or working, it just represents the need to simplify and I doubt it represents their true desires for you. Stay strong and gentle with yourself.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Ok, this is very helpful. Thank you. That's actually much cheaper than I was imagining. I'm pretty weary of meeting new people these days so I will probably have to follow your suggestion and make a few appointments. It's just scary. Even picking up the phone scares me. Not just for this reason, for any reason. Today was a good day at least. Actually getting things out in the open, even if just on a forum, is refreshing. Obviously my issues are much more complex than I can get across through a computer, but I really appreciate the help. Seriously.

No problem! You're already taking the first step by taking about it and knowing that you need help. Some therapists, when you call, will actually talk to you a bit over the phone, "tell me what's going on or describe to me a little bit about the issue you are having". It's great to find therapists who do do this since it really shows that they care and are genuinely interested in you. So decide what you want to tell them, I know you probably won't tell them everything, first session or first time that you talk, but definitely let them know about SOME of the symptoms, anxiety, insomnia, depression, etc. You want to reveal some of it but don't feel like you have to spill your guts to everyone. You'll get there, you just got to get your foot in the door of just seeing someone. They will ask you safety questions (esp if you mention you are feeling depressed), are you having suicidal ideation? Do you have a plan? How determined are you to acting on these thoughts? Have you ever before?

So definitely call a few places, inquire about insurance, and talk a little bit about your problem, just the general gist, I think you'll find if you are comfortable with that person or not, go in and see them, feel it out. You only will talk about what you want to talk about, what your comfortable with. The important part is just getting to that first session. Baby steps. After your first session, the next two will be rather easy. I've seen like 5 :shifty: but that's just because I was picky and really wanted someone that I vibed with. I was with one lady for a month, and she was ok, not horrible, but after seeing several others, I found someone literally SO amazing. I mean, I'm just so lucky. Even after I met her, I saw two others (just to be SURE) and yes, positive experience. Not all therapists are that great though, so don't be discouraged, most are!

& I'm happy that you had a good day today. You feel better already, imagine how you'll feel talking to someone in RL! ^_^

 

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

You have psychosis. It's a treatable and actually quite common symptom. Keep in mind it's a symptom of an underlying problem, not a distinct disease in and of itself. I agree with what others have said, if you seek out competent mental health or medical professionals, they'll be able to point you in the right direction, figure out the underlying cause, and treat it.

Keep in mind if you surrender to the mainstream healthcare system, you will almost certainly be monitored for, and banned from, all recreational drug use except tobacco, with unpleasant consequences up to and including being discharged from treatment if you fail to comply. This is for medicolegal ass covering, as well as the healthcare system seeking to simplify its job, as drug-using people with mental health issues are simply harder for them to treat. Keep in mind that in the eyes of the healthcare system, all illegal substance use is substance abuse, and if you are proven to have recently used any banned substance, then any mental health issues you are currently experiencing are assumed to be a result of that substance use, until your bodily fluids all test negative.

 

[cj]

Hello fellow Alabamar here. UAB has a really good phych department. I was admitted there for a week after my last suicide attempt and they where very kind. They dosed me with suboxone even though I didn't have a current script and they gave me Ativan the first few days to help me sort through the pain. The living area was very clean and the food surprisingly pretty good. I am not saying you would need to be admitted but just in case. That where I would advise you to go in Birmingham. I had a terrible experience at Brookwood hospital.

 

[Ligaturd]

To be fair. Substance use with psychological issues such as this is only going to make it worse. It is definitely a good idea to stop all drug use until it gets figured out and you can make informed decisions about what exists independant of the influence of any drug use. Especially psychedelics, dissociatives and stimulants as these can cause temporary psychosis or even bring out latent mental illnesses. It is common for people to be diagnosed and medicated for mental illnesses either while in either active addiction or just plain use, or right after they quit. Active use can either cover up mental health issues, emulate them or bring them out in certain people. Some people quit drinking and have symptoms of schizophrenia actually fully manifest themselves. Various receptor systems being affected in different ways just make it impossible to tell whats what. So many variables to account for and it is all up to the doctor to decide what is happening. Most people aren't honest with their doctors about their drug use and this definitely hinders their doctors ability to accurately make a diagnosis.

In most cases it is best to stay completely sober for 6 months to a year to ensure the post acute withdrawal phase is iver and the brain has achieved a state of homeostasis. In your case however it definitely sounds like this isn't something that should be avoided. Schizophrenia often hits men in their early twenties and seemingly out of the blue. It is a common story for a person to be in yhe middlle of college getting their life started and just be blindsided by it. Getting treated sooner rather than later will allow you to manage it and do damage control. It sounds more like schizophrenia than psychosis and you should absolutely go see a psychologist and see what your treatment options are and get an accurate diagnosis. I am most certainly not a doctor and these are all just assertions based on what you have said. I myself am opting to utilize all forms of therapy possible before I think of going on any medications as these things can become manageable with therapy but it's important to have a trained professional involved as delusions and hallucinations could get to the point where you stop being able to differentiate between reality and hallucinations. I hope you find the help you need and learn to manage your symptoms.

 

[EatMushrooms]

Thanks for the replies you guys. Really, it means a lot. I figured this would be a good place to come talk about my issues and people would understand. I still don't know who I could be comfortable telling other than maybe my dad.

Some people mentioned drug use, well I smoke weed pretty much every day. It helps keep me calm and collected. Without it I grow frustrated very easily, and distrusting. I've been described as being overly sensitive. I take great offense to stupid little things and can't help it. Its cost me friendships. I'll get mad at somebody and I shut down and lock myself away. At times I've not talked to my roommates for days, they are not east at all to live with but I wish I were normal because they deal with a lot of my issues. Never knowing if I'm going to be happy or sad, upbeat and energetic or down and won't leave the house for anything. They probably wouldn't be surprised if I told them I had some kind of mental disorder.

The thought loop is so annoying and is really what affects me the most on a daily basis. I mean obviously hearing somebody that isn't there scream in horror over and over again in my ears is pretty scary, and having to sit and look and anything I can find on my phone because I see horrible things when I close my eyes sucks but that doesn't happen near as much. It can make it so hard in class. Or I'll be listening to music and two songs will go by and even though I wasn't doing anything but sitting there listening to the songs I somehow "missed" them. Most commonly I'll be thinking about how I'm having trouble paying attention, and then hearing those thoughts out loud, and then thinking about how I would explain why I couldn't pay attention, and then realizing how silly it is that I'm not paying attention because I'm thinking about explaining how I'm not able to pay attention and it just goes in circles and I can't get out of it. It's fucking bullshit. Like I'm aware of the issue and how ridiculous it is at the time and it's like my brain is just stupid or something. It's so frustrating.

 

[Hilary]

...Some people mentioned drug use, well I smoke weed pretty much every day. It helps keep me calm and collected.

Just my humble opinion, but I think that's the problem. Lots of people on this website will tell you that without a doubt, smoking weed caused their psychosis. It may help you a little while you're smoking it, but later, you're right back where you were.

Marijuana has changed a lot over the past 20 years. Growers have been steadily increasing the THC level for a quick high, and breeding out the CBD compounds, which they didn't care about. It's only been discovered very recently that the CBD compounds have an anti-psychotic, neuroprotective effect.

Cannabidiol enhances anandamide signaling and alleviates psychotic symptoms of schizophrenia