QuasiStoned
Bluelighter
Hey fellow Blers, I wanted to get some opinions on other people who have went through PAWs and whether I may be experiencing them.
I used poppy tea for 2 years. It was a classical addiction, I was fueled by pain issues and LOVED the high. It was a recipe for habituation and I was hooked from the first box. I recognized that I had an addiction and that I should quit, but I couldn't seem to stop unless something forced me to. I worked shitty low paying retail jobs and used this to pay for my addiction and I only stopped during times of no income (this happened twice from losing my job). I never made it longer than maybe 2.5 weeks before I relapsed and went right back to square 1 (after getting an income).
Fast forward to present day, I've been clean since May 30th. The opiate withdrawals I experienced in the last few months of my addiction had prompted me to search for "medication" to ease my suffering. I used easily obtainable downers, particularly 1,4 BDO and phenazepam. The BDO was the first I used and I kept my use minimal, primarily as an occasional sleep aid while sick. I eventually started using phenazepam and my life spiraled apart. Within maybe a month, I managed to 1)Fall down the steps and break the drywall at the bottoms of the steps (One of my first experiences with Phenazepam, 2) Crash my car by falling asleep and driving it offroad (on phenazepam and BDO, 3) Get into a fistfight with my father which caused an arrest and assault charge for my dad (charges later dropped thank god), and lastly an overdose on the magical combo of phenazepam and 1,4 BDO. I woke up to police taking my bong and paramedics slapping me and asking questions. I survived it, but my mom said that I was making coughing noises and she found me w/ shallow breathing and was completely unresponsive. I had no idea how close to death I came but it was close enough that it prompted change.
My parents caught on to my drug problems after the events described above, they realized that the hundreds of packages and "herbal tea for pain" were actually morphine laden poppy pods. I gave the 1,4 BDO to my mom after my OD to dump down the drain. I was basically given the ultimatum to move out or quit openly making poppy tea on the stove. I quit everything (except for a little weed) for good 43 day ago and had a hellish anxiety filled time. The first week I took off from work, used phenazepam to help me sleep (didn't do anything stupid this time because I didn't have a car or motivation to leave the house). I ran out of the phenazepam and returned back to work after a week still feeling awful (just from opiate WD still, I never was dependent on phenazepam or BDO). By the 2 week mark I felt the worst was over, but I still wasn't feeling great. At 3 weeks I was up to maybe 75 or 80%. I guess I'm approaching 6 weeks clean now and I have no idea where I'm at with all of this.
Don't get me wrong, I'm doing a ton better since quitting. My ability to carry out short term goals has improved massively, although long term goals still feel impossible to carry out. I'm overall just a more productive human being. But I still get the feeling that I'm not 100% yet, and worst of all I still can't seem to stop obsessing over the high that I quit in favor of a better life. I rationally realize that relapse will ultimately set me back from feeling normal, but I have a huge tendency toward escapism and find that sobriety from opiates doesn't provide me with any sense of happiness or excitement anymore.
I sort of think that I must be experiencing some sort of PAW like symptoms after 2 years of moderate PPT abuse. The honest to god truth is that I can't remember what it was like to live life before every aspect of my life was consumed by chasing that high. I used kratom daily for at least 6 months before that and had experienced withdrawals that were a cakewalk compared to PPT but it means that I've been chasing that high for 2.5 years or more.
I'd like to know what you guys think about PAWS and relapse. It should be expected given the duration of my use, right (the PAWS at least)? I guess when I really think about it, I wasn't truly happy with life before I started opiates. I was depressed with pain problem and figured if opiates numbed the pain it was worth it. I've found better ways to manage my pain but can't forget about opiates, they always seemed to make me happier. If I was on a natural high because I found a way to relieve my pain, drinking poppy tea amplified that. I also can't forget how badly I felt while sick and the amount of suffering it took to get over it. It's like falling in love with the woman of your dreams, getting cheated on and broken up with, and then still with all your heart wanting her back. And worst of all, you KNOW you could have her back if you took the effort. I could have back my true love, opiates, if I choose to. So far, I've managed to keep on the right road but I've already made the effort to take out a mailbox and reload my credit card. I could have a box within a few days and plan to place an order tomorrow.
I have told myself for days that I would do it tomorrow, and each day pushed it out of mind. But the obsession is ridiculous. I hadn't been properly high because of tolerance for the last 6 months of my addiction (maybe longer) but I know that 42 days has surely been enough to lower my tolerance considerably. This thought excites the irrational "get high" part of me and sickens my rational side. I don't want to get stuck in that cycle again (and frankly can't afford it, having to hide it from family now and being broke from spending all my savings on drugs). But still life just doesn't feel half as good it was when I was high. It's 100x better than being sick in withdrawal but my mind swears that being high was 100x better than that
Sorry for the length of this but I had to sort of tell my story and it's been cathartic to share. Any thoughts, comments, inspirational speeches, advice etc. is appreciated. I'd also like to hear from others who have experienced PAWS, the effects it had on them, and whether it affected their ability to remain clean. Thanks in advance
I used poppy tea for 2 years. It was a classical addiction, I was fueled by pain issues and LOVED the high. It was a recipe for habituation and I was hooked from the first box. I recognized that I had an addiction and that I should quit, but I couldn't seem to stop unless something forced me to. I worked shitty low paying retail jobs and used this to pay for my addiction and I only stopped during times of no income (this happened twice from losing my job). I never made it longer than maybe 2.5 weeks before I relapsed and went right back to square 1 (after getting an income).
Fast forward to present day, I've been clean since May 30th. The opiate withdrawals I experienced in the last few months of my addiction had prompted me to search for "medication" to ease my suffering. I used easily obtainable downers, particularly 1,4 BDO and phenazepam. The BDO was the first I used and I kept my use minimal, primarily as an occasional sleep aid while sick. I eventually started using phenazepam and my life spiraled apart. Within maybe a month, I managed to 1)Fall down the steps and break the drywall at the bottoms of the steps (One of my first experiences with Phenazepam, 2) Crash my car by falling asleep and driving it offroad (on phenazepam and BDO, 3) Get into a fistfight with my father which caused an arrest and assault charge for my dad (charges later dropped thank god), and lastly an overdose on the magical combo of phenazepam and 1,4 BDO. I woke up to police taking my bong and paramedics slapping me and asking questions. I survived it, but my mom said that I was making coughing noises and she found me w/ shallow breathing and was completely unresponsive. I had no idea how close to death I came but it was close enough that it prompted change.
My parents caught on to my drug problems after the events described above, they realized that the hundreds of packages and "herbal tea for pain" were actually morphine laden poppy pods. I gave the 1,4 BDO to my mom after my OD to dump down the drain. I was basically given the ultimatum to move out or quit openly making poppy tea on the stove. I quit everything (except for a little weed) for good 43 day ago and had a hellish anxiety filled time. The first week I took off from work, used phenazepam to help me sleep (didn't do anything stupid this time because I didn't have a car or motivation to leave the house). I ran out of the phenazepam and returned back to work after a week still feeling awful (just from opiate WD still, I never was dependent on phenazepam or BDO). By the 2 week mark I felt the worst was over, but I still wasn't feeling great. At 3 weeks I was up to maybe 75 or 80%. I guess I'm approaching 6 weeks clean now and I have no idea where I'm at with all of this.
Don't get me wrong, I'm doing a ton better since quitting. My ability to carry out short term goals has improved massively, although long term goals still feel impossible to carry out. I'm overall just a more productive human being. But I still get the feeling that I'm not 100% yet, and worst of all I still can't seem to stop obsessing over the high that I quit in favor of a better life. I rationally realize that relapse will ultimately set me back from feeling normal, but I have a huge tendency toward escapism and find that sobriety from opiates doesn't provide me with any sense of happiness or excitement anymore.
I sort of think that I must be experiencing some sort of PAW like symptoms after 2 years of moderate PPT abuse. The honest to god truth is that I can't remember what it was like to live life before every aspect of my life was consumed by chasing that high. I used kratom daily for at least 6 months before that and had experienced withdrawals that were a cakewalk compared to PPT but it means that I've been chasing that high for 2.5 years or more.
I'd like to know what you guys think about PAWS and relapse. It should be expected given the duration of my use, right (the PAWS at least)? I guess when I really think about it, I wasn't truly happy with life before I started opiates. I was depressed with pain problem and figured if opiates numbed the pain it was worth it. I've found better ways to manage my pain but can't forget about opiates, they always seemed to make me happier. If I was on a natural high because I found a way to relieve my pain, drinking poppy tea amplified that. I also can't forget how badly I felt while sick and the amount of suffering it took to get over it. It's like falling in love with the woman of your dreams, getting cheated on and broken up with, and then still with all your heart wanting her back. And worst of all, you KNOW you could have her back if you took the effort. I could have back my true love, opiates, if I choose to. So far, I've managed to keep on the right road but I've already made the effort to take out a mailbox and reload my credit card. I could have a box within a few days and plan to place an order tomorrow.
I have told myself for days that I would do it tomorrow, and each day pushed it out of mind. But the obsession is ridiculous. I hadn't been properly high because of tolerance for the last 6 months of my addiction (maybe longer) but I know that 42 days has surely been enough to lower my tolerance considerably. This thought excites the irrational "get high" part of me and sickens my rational side. I don't want to get stuck in that cycle again (and frankly can't afford it, having to hide it from family now and being broke from spending all my savings on drugs). But still life just doesn't feel half as good it was when I was high. It's 100x better than being sick in withdrawal but my mind swears that being high was 100x better than that
Sorry for the length of this but I had to sort of tell my story and it's been cathartic to share. Any thoughts, comments, inspirational speeches, advice etc. is appreciated. I'd also like to hear from others who have experienced PAWS, the effects it had on them, and whether it affected their ability to remain clean. Thanks in advance
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
