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Should I call or give her space?

caseface99

caseface99

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Oct 30, 2008
Messages
3,401
Location
Bay Area, CA
I'm going to post this bullet point style so that I don't get carried away on the length, simple question with some background:

-Dated a girl for a bit over half a year
-We're both sober and active in recovery/meetings (so she's kinda crazy... most women in recovery I have met are...)
-We both felt like we had known each other in past lives and everything that has happen was leading up to us meeting again (we love the shit out of each other)
-She moved 80 miles away from school, neither of us have cars ATM, so only saw each other on weekends.
-things went good for a while, till last week - She said she couldn't do it anymore. Distance too painful for her to focus on herself/school/recovery right now because she severely depressed anyway.
-She says her feelings haven't changed, she still loves me, and doesn't want to break up with me.
-we talk, decide to call it a break.
-we have sex. fall asleep. wake up, have sex (she's totally into it, no weird feeling with the sex) then talk some more and she spends 45 mins telling me how important I am to her and how much she never wants things to get awkward and not be in my life, no matter what happens.
-she goes back to school, we talk in the evenings for a couple days - then she cuts contact.
-it has no been an entire week of her ignoring me. No response to the few texts I sent her. I wanted to give her space if she needed it, so I didn't bombard her with texts and calls all week, it was just 3 simple texts and I didn't call her out or jump to any conclusions.


After the way things ended with the talking and sex, and everything that has been said and done, I'm confused. She's doing exactly what she spent an hour promising she never wanted to happen between us... wtf... Should I try calling her and leave a voicemail, or continue to give her space? I'm thinking at least try calling once and if she doesn't pick up, leave a message and then move on. I'm really disappointed but if this is how it's gonna be I really just want to know so I can move on... she hasn't told me what the fuck is up since we last saw each other so I have no idea why the cold shoulder.
 
I personally would call purely to check that she is OK - If goes to voicemail then tell her you are concerned that she has simply vanished after your talk the last time you were together. Ask her to get in touch and leave it at that.

If you have not heard anything within a day or two then I would see if you can see her activity on facebook etc if she is active on that then I would simply move on and take the ignoring your txts call as a sign she wants a clean slate. If however you don't see any activity on her facebook etc then I would start to think that maybe she may be in trouble (not simply ignoring you / giving you the cold shoulder).
 
Like Bear said, you can see if she posts anything on facebook, but if she doesn't frequent it, you still will be guessing. Do you have any mutual friends who could check on her? Has she ever done this before, like when you weren't on a break? If it were me I would be upset at being ignored, after all you've discussed when you last saw her. But you know that old saying "actions speak louder than words" kind of thing. Sorry Caseface, I know you must be so worried and hurt right now. :(
 
Thanks guys... I woke up this morning and for the first time had a really solid definitive instinct like "what the fuck are you doing... just call her already..."

She has had a little activity on Facebook over the last week, including a post yesterday so I know she's Alive. - I see her logged on periodically presumably talking to other people, and two of the times I texted her over the week was when she was on Facebook so I know she wasn't busy and missed it. Even if she was busy, If she wanted to text me on her own by now she would have...

So anyway fuck it, I love this girl and if she's gonna do this to me I'm at least not going to let get walk away scott free with no explanation. I'm calling her sometime this afternoon when I know she's not in class - hoping I don't have to leave a message but If I do then so be it. I'll try not to be accusatory and sound more concerned then anything, and just appeal to her to let me know that she's ok at the very least and ideally to let me know what the deal is.

I'm not worried that she all of a sudden decided she doesn't love me, after we last saw each other, however I do think a likely scenario is that since she does love me it was too painful still talking to me so she's trying to just forget about me by cutting contact and getting over the pain more quickly... Honestly I could see her doing that, as fucked up as it is without telling me anything but what she did when we last saw each other.


before I rant any longer, I'll stop - and I'll let you guys know what happens later today. Thanks guys. I'm really disappointed and yeah kinda hurt right now but I seriously just need to know one way or the other what's going on cause my emotions don't seem to be changing about it while I'm stuck not knowing... If I have to get over her and move on so be it but I'm not letting her get away without telling me that's how it's gonna be.
 
I agree with the Bearlove and T.Calderone that check with her from time to time to see how she is doing but I don't think that you need to text her or call her or anything like that. You check her facebook so I think that's enough to check if she is doing ok. I would personally just let it be and focus more on myself if I were in your position and give her space and let her come to you. I am not sure if you still consider patching up your relationship with her but I wouldn't think too much of it as you both need time to get yourselves back on track.
 
So you know she's alright and just not answering you. Honestly, this would make me seething mad but maybe I'm just a hot head. She knows you have been texting yet choosing to ignore you. My gut reaction is no don't call her but I know you want answers. So if you call her, then what? Do you think she will be straight with you or give you excuses and lip service? I don't want to see you get hurt even worse. Either way, let us know what happens! <3
 
I'm guessing if I call I'm going to end up leaving a message anyway. But if I don't at least try I'm not going to stop thinking about it and start getting over it. I don't know if she can hurt me any worse at this point - and if she says something mean I'll know she's lying and trying to push me away so I'll take it with a grain of salt. No matter what she says though I really just can't let her get off this easy... I initially made this whole thing as easy as I could for her when I last saw her, but I never would have done that if she hadn't spent so much time talking about and physically showing me how important I still am to her. I didn't think it would end like this so soon, and If she's gonna totally bail out of my life - frankly I want her to have to tell me (ideally to my face) as well as hear from me how I feel about it.

So I'll call once and after that I'll take the hint... Maybe she just needed a week to think or something who knows. So yeah, I'll check in later. Thanks guys.
 
and T.c yeah I am kinda pissed about it, but I'm trying my best not to jump to any conclusions because truthfully I don't know what she's thinking... I'm hoping that if she does answer the phone I'll be able to appeal to the part of her that still loves me and convince her to have a frank and honest conversation with me. We'll see. No matter how it goes, at least I will have tried, right? I'm not just going to walk away and forget about her without trying.

(can't edit since the merge...)
 
Many times in my life I have broken up with someone that I actually loved simply because I needed to move on unencumbered by a lover relationship. I wasn't looking for anyone else, there was nothing at all wrong with my partner and I still felt both love and respect for them as I had always. It is confusing as hell to explain and painful because I knew I was causing pain. All I can say is that when you are young life is presenting you with many, many changes all the time. Sometimes you need to be free of another person's reality to explore your own. You sound like you have given this girl all the space in the world to do that and yet she needs more. My advice would be to tell her where you are emotionally, ask her to be honest even if it means saying she needs to move on, and see what happens from there. She is at a new school, hopefully making new friends and perhaps this is just a time she needs to be thinking of only her. I know from some of your other posts that you are doing lots of things for your own life. Keep at those things and concentrate on strengthening yourself. <3
 
Will do Herb, thanks. Definitely going to continue taking this opportunity to focus on myself as much as possible - pain comes with growth and I don't want to overlook that factor and close my mind off to the possibility of some good coming from this.

At this point I really am willing to accept the fact that she my be permanently out of my life entirely - Call it pride or ego but I just can't let her get away with this without giving me an explanation. She probably thinks if she's honest she will hurt me more, but thats not going to happen unless she says there's someone else (I'm 99.999999999% certain that this is not the case). So anyway, yeah - Thanks everyone.
 
here's a female perspective:

I'd give her space, as hard as it may be.

I PROMISE you, that if you stop trying to contact her..... she'll hit you up within 2 weeks.
 
And no offense to the poster above me, but the last thing I would do is:

check her facebook for activity and if you see none, take that as she's in 'trouble' and start calling her to let her know that you think she' s in trouble because of this.

sometimes people just want to fall of the face of the planet. especially if they are having trouble in recovery.
if you start to baby her, then she is going to take that as an insult, not that you are just being concerned with her well-being, even though that's what you are trying to do.

Give her, her space, and time to figure shit out. Maybe all that "talk" of things being the same between you two no matter what- is her way of saying that she has to check out for a minute or two, and doesn't want things to get weird just because she needs her space. Usually when people are honest in a relationship and say they need space, the other partner rarely believes it just because they want space and reads too much into it.

Anyway, if things were the way you say they were... it sounds like you were a solid rock in her life, you'll be the first person she wants to talk to when she needs to.
 
^^ Welllllll I've already seen her log onto Facebook a number of times per day for the last week, but not post much at all - which leads me to believe she is talking to people through facebook ims.

Also, somebody (not her) posted pictures of a party last weekend that she was at, which means she was in town hanging out with people and didn't talk to me. And she didn't look miserable and like she needed to be alone in the pictures.... But of course I know you can't judge someones insides by there outsides. The whole point is that I just don't know what she's thinking and there is no way for me to accurately guess...

The last text I sent her was "Just wanted to let you know I am going to be in Santa Cruz for something this weekend so if you want to see me, or talk to me about anything, let me know. Otherwise, I miss you but mainly I just hope you're Ok."

Sent last night. (no response again) The other two texts I sent since last thursday were just simple hey how are you doing type thing. (no responses)

Thank you for that female perspective. I just know that as an alcoholic she is self centered and selfish by nature and running off of fear, especially if she is having a hard time in her recovery right now. Meaning she probably isn't taking into account how I feel - which is fine... whatever... I don't have control over that and it's not my place to tell her what to do. But without being harsh or trying to hurt her, I still feel like I need to tell her how I feel and ask her (without an expectations) what she is thinking and what has changed since we last spoke. If she needs space and needs me to stop trying to contact her, she should simply tell me that. Ignoring problems doesn't make them go away, and if I just drop it then it will just reinforce the idea that she can just ignore something to make it go away. (she's a bit younger, and may not be thinking about it from that perspective..)
 
Ok... so you've openly admitted that you are stalking her now.... :)
seriously... the ball is NOT in your court here and you just have to sit back and WAIT.
If you start to act crazy, you will wait a hell of a lot longer....

You've said it yourself:
The last text I sent her was "Just wanted to let you know I am going to be in Santa Cruz for something this weekend so if you want to see me, or talk to me about anything, let me know Otherwise, I miss you but mainly I just hope you're Ok."
Click to expand...
and no response.

So you have to take that for what it is right now, and simply put, she just doesn't want to see or talk to you at this moment.
 
I dont wish to make you feel bad or hurt your feelings, but honestly, it sounds like yes, she cares for you but to me it seems like the last time you all were together, she had already made up her mind that she was done with the relationship, whether it was because of what she said or someone else, or she just wanted to be free. She put a little effort into some contact the first few days and then decided she might as well move on completely. At this point you know she is ok and obviously completely ignoring you, which is hurtful and wrong. I would not put anymore effort into it..I really beleive it is done. I could very well be wrong but honey, it looks very obvious to those of us who see it objectively for what it is. I wish you well and hope you can get on with things and not suffer over this too much.

" Ignoring problems doesn't make them go away, and if I just drop it then it will just reinforce the idea that she can just ignore something to make it go away. (she's a bit younger, and may not be thinking about it from that perspective..)'

You cannot force her to do what you think is the right thing or correct thing to do. She has already made it quite obvious that this is not her position..and you cannot make her do anything otherwise whether you think she should or not...this is a bit controlling and regardless of what her situation is if a guy continued to bother me after I had refused to return any messages, calls or otherwise and then he continued to try to confront me, especially with this type of attitude (not that you are wrong) I would basically tell him to eff off. I am just saying, it is pretty much pointless now. I know you wish to have an answer but I think if you try to look at this situation objectively you will know what the deal is.
It is not your place to "teach' her that she cannot just ignore things and that they will go away. You make it sound as if she is young and you need to make her understand (by continuing to try to contact her when she obviously is not interested in talking to you at this point) that one cannot just ignore things.
 
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^^ Yeah I kinda realized how backwards that comment was after I posted and Since the server change can't edit posts anymore. I already said in one of my posts that I know I can't control the situation, but then I made a hypocritical comment about trying to do just that. Anyway, point is I do realize that.

Now I guess I am on the fence... Maybe I won't call her. It's going to take every fucking shred of strength inside me not to do it though. I made it so fucking easy for her and did my absolute best not to cause HER any pain when this all went down. I NEVER would have been so easy going about it had I know this is what she was going to do, and honestly I feel like I've been conned and I guess above all, even above getting an answer, I want to let her know how she has made me feel - I avoided doing that initially not to hurt her and frankly so that THIS wouldn't happen. Now that it's happened anyway, I want to explain exactly how I feel.... However I do realize that I should probably do some meditating on my motives for wanting to tell her. -.-
 
I wish I could quote missmeyet, she said this succinctly that your girl's made up her mind she's done with this relationship. I know you want answers but you really should just let her be for now. She is pretty young and evidently not wanting a committed relationship. I mean you texted her last night and she hasn't answered yet. I'm not saying don't ever call her, just wait for a while.

It sucks man and I feel your pain. My ex used to jerk me around if I called him he would say "Let me call you right back, I got someone on the other line. Or I'm at work, call you later" Three days later I'd be pretty damn pissed but I learned not to hold my breath waiting. That's why they're exes right? I thought that might make you laugh a little. Keep your head up!
 
I'm getting to the point where I'm *almost* ready to let go. A few more days and I'm hoping she won't be on my mind every minute of every day anymore. You guys are right...

I texted her and said ".........if you wanted to see me, or talk to me about anything..........." and no response - I'm fooling myself if I let myself think that no response means anything other than a firm NO. Fucking blows. Whatever. I'm about to start a semester at a new school, for the first time in years - So there's a whole new pool waiting for me to dive right into. I just gotta try to stay focused on that, and give this girl space. Whoever said "I promise if you stop bothering her she'll contact you within two weeks" - I really hope you're right, but I also REALLY don't want to get caught up on that thought, waiting for something that very well may never happen. If she doesn't reach out within a week I'll definitely call and see if I can get her to tell me what the deal is but otherwise I know I need to move on. Who knows, Maybe I'll find a cool girl at school whose not in the program and won't have issues of "I need to talk to my sponsor first." and such, because honestly I really don't like the idea of somebody besides my girlfriend deciding what happens between us....
 
Hell, if nothing pans out with her, once school starts next week I might try the whole "have some fun and not worry about getting serious" type thing. I'm 22, and never done that before. Always been serious relationships never just friends & fun. Really sucks for me to be thinking like this right now, but I know somehow, someway, some good will come of this as long as I stay open to the possibility and look for it. The only reason I'm so caught up on this girl is that she very explicitly explained that this has NOTHING to do with her feelings for me changing, and we talked for hours about how we know if we both still lived in the same city things would be absolutely perfect between us (which I still believe is true.) And Yeah, I may be caught up on it because it's pretty fucked up of her to end it like this and then not live up to anything she said, but it's out of my control and such is life. When she left and we were hugging/kissing she made me promise it wouldn't be the last time we saw each other and got to hug each other and such. I really kind of wish she has just told me to fuck off... would be way easier to accept. blah. I'ma stop now before I get carried away, clearly I'm still stuck on it despite knowing it's futile. Progress, not perfection, right?

Thanks for the perspective guys.
 
Sounds like she didn't know how to properly break it off with you. That would explain her saying all that stuff to you and making you promise it wouldn't be your last time together. She wants for you to still be there for her, but it's ok for her to ignore you. Like missme said it is hurtful and wrong, keeping you hanging. She may not even realize she's doing it but just needs to grow up.
 
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