Hello all, I'm new to the forums and glad I found it. Before I vent if you will on my dilema, this forum and diverse articles have been good reads and helpful in different situations. Now my dilema...
Intro
I've been dating my girlfriend for a little of 2.5 years to date. We both lived in New York, me in Brooklyn her in Bronx. She then moved to help mom out in PA to be closer. Shortly after she was offered a 1 year volunteer position in a small community in Northern California. She took it on to better her career and I was here in NY working. Throughout the year term which is ending in August this year I visited a total of three times. The first after a bicycle criterium race I did in LA. I took the Amtrak up North past SF to visit her. Second time was for nearly an entire month mid year. And the most recent was a surprise visit I did in February for 1 1/2 week. I lover her! we wright letters, send each other cool healthy snacks we find, Skype and communicate whenever we can. We both live busy lives and I was planning to relocate there late june of this year to be closer to her (me in Oakland, live and work). When she was done I was going to ask her to stay with me in my place so we can pretty much be closer physically.
Pre yesterday's Confrontation
To make a long story short... some dude has been on her Facebook page liking her stuff and recently posted a comment about an article she posted about coffee. Anyway, the guy who has a son and is divorced about mid 60 years of age I believe wrote a comment saying... "Hey (girlfriends name). Lets call SB and ask to change their signs so they can give us free coffee."
It didn't really bother me but with all the lack of communication that was going on throughout the year, I thought about confronting her about who he is and if they've been getting coffee together. I guess I viewed it as a red flag. Also... After V-Day this past February, I surprised visited her from across the country. After I got back I logged on my computer and her Facebook was open. I peeked through her messages, which I know I shouldn't have done but I found the same guy asking her if she wanted to get coffee and even offered to pick her up at 10am.
I didn't confront her about it as I didn't want to come off as controlling, jealous and insecure. But the whole situation is just making me go crazy. I haven't hungout with any of my girl friends just because I know she had a problem with it in the past. Especially since we are across the country I didn't want to make her feel upset because I know how it feels. So I just kept busy and focused on my work. But things have been weird... She says that she is fine and just busy but I feel theirs a bit tension which I bring up to her about, but she never wants to hear it. In an awkward spot and don't know what to do. Be a lion, divide and concur or just be chill about it. I though about just be upfront.
Post Confrontation and Lying
I ended up confronting her after good conversation. She pretty much lied to my face and said no to a few times with friends to a couple times one on one. I'm not pissed at her going for coffee, I'm pissed that she lied to me to my face. We discussed the issue in detail and she felt terrible. I told her there isn't room for dishonesty in our relationship. She said that she didn't want to hurt me and assumed I'd get mad. She promised me that she didn't do anything and that it was for her to network and make connections in the new location she was at. I said that I understand that aspect of, but if that's the case why lie to someone you care about in regards to that.
Anyway, she doesn't do well with confrontation and this morning I received a letter via email saying (brief)...
The problem is bigger than the incident. Lying is not easy to forgive because suddenly all of the memories, experiences created become a castle built on thin air. I can sympathize and understand your frustration. And that is why I have come to a conclusion that is painful, but perhaps the most honest decision I have ever made. You are free to leave me if you wish to do so. You are free. I personally need to work on this NOW or my demon will continue to haunt me the rest of my life.
Earlier today when we spoke, I caught myself saying something very selfish several times: "I don't want to lose you, I don't want to lose you, I am sorry" the reality is that I lost you and me the moment I lied or neglected to speak the truth. I do not deserve you, not like this, the way I am flaw, false and yes, manipulative.
If I do not address these issues, these lying now, it will only get worse down the road. You don't need to deal with my nonsense. Dwayne, you deserve better, you deserve all the LOVE and RESPECT in the world. I do not deserve you.
There are many issues I need to deal with to get the core of this intrinsic problem. This is not the first time I am confronted with my lies. I have put myself and my family through hell with the very same problem. I do not expect you to put up with it.
Please forgive me and know that I truly do not want to hurt you.
So that's the scoop. Not sure what I should do. I didn't break it off after we spoke I just said I'm gonna peace out. Not sure how to handle the situation right now and would appreciate positive insight. Many thanks. -D
Intro
I've been dating my girlfriend for a little of 2.5 years to date. We both lived in New York, me in Brooklyn her in Bronx. She then moved to help mom out in PA to be closer. Shortly after she was offered a 1 year volunteer position in a small community in Northern California. She took it on to better her career and I was here in NY working. Throughout the year term which is ending in August this year I visited a total of three times. The first after a bicycle criterium race I did in LA. I took the Amtrak up North past SF to visit her. Second time was for nearly an entire month mid year. And the most recent was a surprise visit I did in February for 1 1/2 week. I lover her! we wright letters, send each other cool healthy snacks we find, Skype and communicate whenever we can. We both live busy lives and I was planning to relocate there late june of this year to be closer to her (me in Oakland, live and work). When she was done I was going to ask her to stay with me in my place so we can pretty much be closer physically.
Pre yesterday's Confrontation
To make a long story short... some dude has been on her Facebook page liking her stuff and recently posted a comment about an article she posted about coffee. Anyway, the guy who has a son and is divorced about mid 60 years of age I believe wrote a comment saying... "Hey (girlfriends name). Lets call SB and ask to change their signs so they can give us free coffee."
It didn't really bother me but with all the lack of communication that was going on throughout the year, I thought about confronting her about who he is and if they've been getting coffee together. I guess I viewed it as a red flag. Also... After V-Day this past February, I surprised visited her from across the country. After I got back I logged on my computer and her Facebook was open. I peeked through her messages, which I know I shouldn't have done but I found the same guy asking her if she wanted to get coffee and even offered to pick her up at 10am.
I didn't confront her about it as I didn't want to come off as controlling, jealous and insecure. But the whole situation is just making me go crazy. I haven't hungout with any of my girl friends just because I know she had a problem with it in the past. Especially since we are across the country I didn't want to make her feel upset because I know how it feels. So I just kept busy and focused on my work. But things have been weird... She says that she is fine and just busy but I feel theirs a bit tension which I bring up to her about, but she never wants to hear it. In an awkward spot and don't know what to do. Be a lion, divide and concur or just be chill about it. I though about just be upfront.
Post Confrontation and Lying
I ended up confronting her after good conversation. She pretty much lied to my face and said no to a few times with friends to a couple times one on one. I'm not pissed at her going for coffee, I'm pissed that she lied to me to my face. We discussed the issue in detail and she felt terrible. I told her there isn't room for dishonesty in our relationship. She said that she didn't want to hurt me and assumed I'd get mad. She promised me that she didn't do anything and that it was for her to network and make connections in the new location she was at. I said that I understand that aspect of, but if that's the case why lie to someone you care about in regards to that.
Anyway, she doesn't do well with confrontation and this morning I received a letter via email saying (brief)...
The problem is bigger than the incident. Lying is not easy to forgive because suddenly all of the memories, experiences created become a castle built on thin air. I can sympathize and understand your frustration. And that is why I have come to a conclusion that is painful, but perhaps the most honest decision I have ever made. You are free to leave me if you wish to do so. You are free. I personally need to work on this NOW or my demon will continue to haunt me the rest of my life.
Earlier today when we spoke, I caught myself saying something very selfish several times: "I don't want to lose you, I don't want to lose you, I am sorry" the reality is that I lost you and me the moment I lied or neglected to speak the truth. I do not deserve you, not like this, the way I am flaw, false and yes, manipulative.
If I do not address these issues, these lying now, it will only get worse down the road. You don't need to deal with my nonsense. Dwayne, you deserve better, you deserve all the LOVE and RESPECT in the world. I do not deserve you.
There are many issues I need to deal with to get the core of this intrinsic problem. This is not the first time I am confronted with my lies. I have put myself and my family through hell with the very same problem. I do not expect you to put up with it.
Please forgive me and know that I truly do not want to hurt you.
So that's the scoop. Not sure what I should do. I didn't break it off after we spoke I just said I'm gonna peace out. Not sure how to handle the situation right now and would appreciate positive insight. Many thanks. -D
