Benzos Shackled to them since 2017, I feel trapped forever

[Cudi]

I am so tired of all this. Last year I went to an inpatient detox facility for a week after heavily abusing Clonazolam, Etizolam, Alprazolam, Clonazepam, and Diclazepam. I'd Ubered myself to the hospital during withdrawal and had a seizure shortly upon arrival, luckily with EMT around me to catch the fall and help out immediately after. A month after my discharge, I relapsed and attempted suicide but luckily I have friends that care about me so I survived after once again going to the hospital.

Fast forward to now. I'm prescribed Klonopin 0.5mg twice a day. Down from 1mg twice a day a couple months ago which I do realize is progress, but when I go two days without it my whole world begins collapsing. I'm tired of this dependence. I can't stand the fact my life is dangling on a thin thread made up of benzos. I've tried tapering before but I always end up right back in the same sinister cycle. I have no health insurance anymore because I lost $53k this year-- a major financial fuckup. I'm broke, hopeless, unmotivated, 24 y/o back in my mom's basement. Had to abandon my social life and everything I had in another state. Each day I have extreme suicidal ideation and am not interested in anything. I have a college degree and a massive employment opportunity approaching in the next 3-4 months, but I still can't gather the strength to prepare, study, and remain qualified for it. It also doesn't help that I was heavily dependent on Adderall for a year up until July 4th when I ceased usage. Ever since, I haven't had the mental or physical strength to do jack shit. I'm trying to save up money just so I can live on my own, get health insurance again, and see a psychiatrist before I implode. Depression, anxiety, low T, suicidal fantasies, kleptomania, agoraphobic tendencies, benzo dependence + slight Ambien dependence. I really just wanna end my shit but I still have an ounce of hope left in me to try for another 5-6 months. What can I do in this situation with no health insurance, no motivation for part time work in between now and when I'm supposed to be employed, and have to pass the Series 3, 34, and 65 exams? It just seems so impossible. Everyday I fluctuate rapidly. Tomorrow I might remember I posted this and delete it out of shame and embarrassment. The next day I might be rushing back trying to read replies and find hope. The day after that I'll think "get it together you piece of shit, you don't need outside help". And the cycle continues. Trapped, trapped, and more trapped... I have to find a way to make money just to get some medical/psychiatric help, because I feel I can't even hold a job unless I have that base of support.

 

[OpiateKiller]

When the pain of change becomes less than the pain of staying the same, you will break free. Unfortunately this isn't advice or helpful information, but it is entirely true.

I've experienced just about every withdrawal you can besides alcohol, so I get it.

While I never have necessarily felt trapped on benzos, opioids have trapped me many times and I was a slave to them. Everyday was ensuring maintenance, and towards the end when money is too low to keep a steady supply all the while trying to maintain at a very fast paced job has been a recipe for absolute failure.

I get it man, I get the frusturation. I'm 27 back at my parents house and every day I beat the shit out of myself because if I just didn't have a drug problem I surely would be rich by now (honestly probably would be i mean shit even on just weed I've probably blown $100,000...)

So maybe you cannot change the dependence on benzos at the moment, what can you change?

To overcome depression, suicidal ideation, lack of motivation it takes serious work. I mean therapy, counselling, new hobbies, exercise...

You need to get out of your comfort zone or you'll never be free of those terrible feelings. The only reason I know is because it's the same shit for me. I'm in my comfort zone right now, and I'm unsatisfied with every aspect of my life. Which creates a cycle of ever more drug abuse, addiction, and treatment.

I have no solid advice for quitting benzos besides going to a detox whose educated on benzo withdrawal and understand the necessary protocols. Besides that man I feel that truly is the safest way to get off, especially if you have already experienced seizures.

Try to credit the progress you have made and put the bat down. Beating ourselves up does us nothing but bad. Plenty of people rely on a pill or alcohol to survive, function, etc. I'm not saying you have to but you're not so terminally unique that you're doomed worse than the rest of us. I'd say me and you are about in the exact same boat.

Push through and build a life worth living, it is the only plausible outcome besides suicide, and I'm sure for you as it is for me, I don't really consider it an option as nice as it would be to just shut my brain the fuck up, and as much as my suffering is real, the suffering ending my own life would cause the ones who love me and have supported me would be devastating.