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Serenity, finally.

theartofwar

theartofwar

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 29, 2009
Messages
3,263
Location
Boston
Those of you who know me , know I have fought the rabbit hole for many years. PTSD driving me from mania to suicidal months. Insomnia day after days.

My life basically in short revolves around the ability to protect myself , others and personal training for financial stability.

I was loosing everything I cared and loved. I had a binge on opiates to the degree where my oxy level was around 600mg and I still was getting nowhere. I decided to just buy bupe and ride it out , which believe at that dose of oxycodone it take a shit ton of bupe (at least for me , im a bigger guy I suppose) to even fight off the withdrawals. I literally would take 16mg suboxone in the am, and within 6 hours be withdrawaling badly so I decided to ween off the oxys on TOP of having bupe ( yea i know blocker etc , well you can get around anything with a little know how ).

I was stuck thinking this is fucking going to be how it is , I'll always want opiates , they will always be in the driver seat and GPS while I sit shotgun. Now I wlll not claim / recommend anyone does this because honestly you need to respect all drugs. This past week I dosed with ketamine , I remembered 10 years of childhood memories that I had repressed. I frankly am not one to say this in the open but I cried for joy. I awoke with clarity and peace that I simply cannot explain. My life has never been harder in many ways , this past week my grandmother was diagnosed w/rapid alzheimers , my mums best friend who raised me died suddenly of cancer the night before I was going to visit her (found she had cancer 3 weeks ago) , and my close friend girlfriend of two years OD'd last night and he is torn to shit and it breaks my heart for him and she was a wonderful person. All of this , I simply cannot control , what I can is my own actions , my own decisions , and this is exactly what I do. I cannot explain what it is like to feel free for once in your life. I will never take anything for granted , but I will never quit to live a life that both expands my mind and utilizes every ability that I have been granted.

peace and thank you all that have supported me , i hope that I can do the same to any and all who are hurting , i promise you I know the dark passenger all to well.

J
 
That is quite the series of events for you.. how raw..

Much <3

Can you say something more about this Serenity?
 
My composure is calm collected and driven. I don't waist time with bullshit excuses I used to bitch and hide behind. I have the utmost understanding that it is difficult - I do not mean any harm to anyone when I say that "hiding" behind my drugs / lack of ability to man up to my reality. But the reality of is that is where I was and what I needed to do.

I have always been incredibly competitive, from football, boxing and now cage fighting to my true passion bodybuilding, the only sport in my opinion that simply relies on you and you alone. But now that drive has traveled into my entire world. I know what I want out of life and I will pursue it at all costs. Honestly any day of the week in the past I would've thought I was starting a manic episode, but I have never had more control over things and I certainly do not have any symptoms of mania.

hope that helps :)
 
Interesting. This may seem like a silly reference, at first. But-

Last night I was watching David Blain ("magician") who is known to perform amazing stunts and tricks. He possesses superhuman powers, and his disposition is cool and collected, but with a powerful sense of non-attachment.

While I would not want to utilize my mental capacity to direct some of the activities that he does, when I watch him and hear him speak I am instantly mesmerized. I feel a sense of collective strength within me similar to the feeling one receives after an amount of meditation.

It sounds like you have the itch (or lack of it), too. : )
 
Nice to read this...I'm glad you're starting to feel better. I've also had some positive experience having repressed emotions being felt/released during altered states or afterward. Seems like it's necessary to dig through the crap to get to the other side.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate but that you keep marching on. Thanks for reminding me that it's possible to find peace even amidst the chaos.
 
thank you guys , it's very simple to me , if you want something in life you need to work for it - mentally , physically , spiritually , love. Nothing is free and nothing can stop you with the proper guidance and support in my personal opinion. You may never be a millionaire but you can always be happier and live a life fulfilled - there is no price tag on that.

And maybe you'll be a millionaire ;)
 
mami said:
Interesting. This may seem like a silly reference, at first. But-

Last night I was watching David Blain ("magician") who is known to perform amazing stunts and tricks. He possesses superhuman powers, and his disposition is cool and collected, but with a powerful sense of non-attachment.

While I would not want to utilize my mental capacity to direct some of the activities that he does, when I watch him and hear him speak I am instantly mesmerized. I feel a sense of collective strength within me similar to the feeling one receives after an amount of meditation.

It sounds like you have the itch (or lack of it), too. : )
Click to expand...

to me it's simply a matter of recognizing talents / gifts that you are created with - from there it is a matter of utilization. That part is where serenity becomes the key, that and drive. My competitive side is dangerous lol , i have motorcycle , car , rally licenses - I do not like losing.
 
i always get a little skeptical when oxy abusers suddenly decide they are cleansed. this k-enlightenment will get eroded really fast when real life comes on hard n strong and you don't have that warm blanket of dope to soothe you any more. if you make it through the first year i'll congratulate you, until then i'm just gonna stick with good luck!
 
thujone said:
i always get a little skeptical when oxy abusers suddenly decide they are cleansed. this k-enlightenment will get eroded really fast when real life comes on hard n strong and you don't have that warm blanket of dope to soothe you any more. if you make it through the first year i'll congratulate you, until then i'm just gonna stick with good luck!
Click to expand...

understandable , i got the implant day after because I don't like to bullshit myself , no need to risk anything with a straight head.
 
theartofwar said:
thank you guys , it's very simple to me , if you want something in life you need to work for it - mentally , physically , spiritually , love. Nothing is free and nothing can stop you with the proper guidance and support in my personal opinion. You may never be a millionaire but you can always be happier and live a life fulfilled - there is no price tag on that.

And maybe you'll be a millionaire ;)
Click to expand...

Exactly. I feel like a lot of my life I have been seeking contentment and inner peace. I think my drug use over the years was me trying to find a shortcut. It may have taken me there temporarily, but never lasted. Like taking 1 step forward and then 2 steps back. Getting slowly pushed into a point of despair, hopelessness and desperation. I am finally accepting I need to take the alternative route, the longer and harder route. It will take time and effort and willingness. The only thing that enabled me to even begin starting this journey was the hope that was freely given to me by other people who have gone through the same experiences as me.
 
I just want to update this - I have had an awful lot on my plate recently - not a single minute of my training has changed. I was offered 100$ to make a call to the only roxi dealer in this area here (dry spell or some shit i dunno, i dont exactly need to know!). This guy was one of the only bigger guy doing work and he trusted me , I don't even have his number on my phone.

I turned it down simply saying in any area dealing with those things will simply put me in a frame of mind that could potentially cause a spiral that goes down. I don't know about you guys , while I do have money , another $100 for a phone call sounded pretty tempting !!!

I refuse , they stopped , the lifestyle stopped. This is how it must be honestly , I never put myself first and now that I am the hardest emotions I am able to treat appropriately instead of impulsively. This honestly is a BIG deal to me. Maybe it does not come across large , but I certainly was proud of my actions today , and that felt wonderful to know it's not just using , it's the lifestyle that has died in all aspects. Meanwhile the days tick I continue to do what I do. Peace guys n gals , thank you all for caring to read.
 
yeah brother , forget all that - i still am well aware 8 years of opiate abuse and habitual daily addiction has left with me my own shit to work out.

my eyes still water when i sleep and i live in a cellar , i think im a fuckin alaskan slave brother they were frozen LOL. This is whack shit, i got a couple hours before first run to the gym and damn long term sleep affects of opiates + trenbolone = sleep for 4 hours, have immense energy for 4 haha. I'm to tired to even post bro, but I am glad to see I was not a lone , I have made my life out of drugs in one way or another since i was 11 - FUCK it . I don't want drama, i want sleep, and in a few hours im going to knock this fucker out in the cage =D
 
serenity.jpg
 
Bro thats awesome man and even if things get worse from time to time just stick to your plan and fight through the shit. I've told you this before too but you sound like one hardcore motherfvcker with the doses you use to be on. And I think because you are so hardcore lol you can similarly use that aggression and energy to fight any compulsions you might have in the future. But I tend to have a bit of an all or nothing attitude myself with drugs. Like "if I'm gonna try to actually control my addiction I'm just going to increase the amount of time I'm actually addicted to something".

But I keep hearing you talk about PTSD and I don't wanna chart into those waters publically if you don't wish to, but I'm extremely curious what triggered it. A counselor in the psychward like 4 years back tried convincing me I had it, and I told her straight out she was crazy. I also study psychology in my uni but PTSD is one thing that has been hard for me to wrap my head around. She basically said I had it because I was waking up at night having nightmares about my time in prison. I told her nightmares are natural and it has nothing to do with PTSD. There was a bit more to it than nightmares but I just don't feel like a traumatized person.

Can you explain a bit better what PTSD actually is, I've read about it countless times but I'd prefer to hear it from someone who lives with it. I do occassionally have symptoms that could be mistaken for it, but I don't think its possible to have a "minor" cause of it, maybe I'm wrong I don't really know.
 
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^^ Up until recently , I could not remember a single childhood memory from age 10 or below. During this period of my life I was repeatedly raped for a 3 month stint. I denied it for years, the guy was busted with I 127 counts ... he was good at what he did. Later I had a "babysitter" female, who also went down that road - I had no real care anymore at that point , i was 100% sure I was simply a piece of meat for this.

During the last 15 years my life has gone from everything recruitment letters, to homeless, to now back on my feet. And frankly, today has been a hard one, their is a huge difference between drive and dedication and mentally and emotionally always feeling up. I feel pretty shitty, pretty lonely, I've cut off all my friends who used and honestly today was my day off from lifting (and after my fighting this morning im done with that, even though got some miles in running, never go a day w/out cardio anymore - i just need that structure). I have some good people around , but they are partying to hard for my style at this point - not that I am against the substances in general but I respect them, let's leave it that way hey?

Symptoms, shit bro, i've scaped on beating the shit out of 4 police officers because i was legit psychotic and ended up locked down and section 12d thinking all sorts of madness. Spent 13k in an evening. And brother, i never left my house for a solid half year period. More than anything, I could never love myself, which made it impossible for me to ever love or care for others.

I'm an open book brother , i am not ashamed of shit i have done and I will answer in anyway you want man. I hope this has helped. I'm going to be around , laying low tonight , letting my body recover I have that post concussed head ache ... I should get it scanned but i fucking know the answer already and I am a tad edgy, I'll wait it out and quit fighting. Focus on states for bodybuilding and continue on with my days bro. Peace homie
 
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