Mental Health Seeking a fatal outcome

[Pawaini]

I’m tired to act that Im fine, it’s not clear that after all those years of all kind of evidences, that I’m seeking a fatal outcome, this is not about a wild indulgence or trauma, Im truly seeking this to end, totally aware of that or unconsciously, I keep poisoning myself on daily basis pushing my entire system thru days and nights of stressing my lungs and heart, I didn’t do it for fun.

When asking for help, i was not looking for a cure, the only reason Im a selfish narcissistic broke coward..

Once when I was really high I had a vision, it was my funeral and my son was the last person to leave the place, he was sad but didn’t feel sad for him.

I ve been the most deplorable mother, the kid holds on the only year we lived together where I used to smoke crack at the liiving room, had a secret life at sadomasochist community and feed him the way to school, i discharged him to Europe when I lost my job, i ever did or pay anything related with his needs. Before that year he only could remeber me crying over his crackhead sperm donor, dating a dude with felonies or being the parasite of their wealthy perfect lgrandparents.

Romans were right, the life of all deformed, retarded or not compatible with life including crap mothers will be terminated,

I’m not compatible with life, life is for those who can smile no matter what, for those mothers who breastfeed their babies until toddlers, for people who take care of their bodies, those which read bedtime stories to their children....

I’ve been digging into this grave since I was 15, every single hit, drop, pill represents the number of times I wanted to be that type of person and I’m still doing it because I know who I am.

I hate being sober and look at the mirror, that remember I will never experience to be a normal thin and light child who runs to their moms arms, the teenager dancing at her 16 party or mature woman in charge of their home, what it feels to wear that kind of skin? that kind of skin who gives you a spouse, kids and brothers for your kids, friends and all of that?

I’m here 40 years later Lookng back and realize I’m ended tweaking on a drugs forum because I have nothing than the hidden desire to slowly kill myself.

There’s nothing about me that let me honour the only person who cares, my mama.

There is no redemption available for such a human disgrace.

Suffer is not compatible with life.

 

[Eligiu]

Hi, I don't know you and I don't want to be condescending at all, but I want to point out that to me it seems like you posting this thread indicates on at least some level you are looking for support during what is unquestionably a very dark time in your life. No one on here will encourage you to take your own life as that is antithetical to the harm reduction ethos of the forum.

I have been suicidal many, many times in my life. For a long time I was constantly passively suicidal and even my therapy team and GP learnt that when they asked me if I had suicidal thoughts they actually needed to specify whether they were passive or active or I would always answer with yes.

I have not experienced what you have so I will not make much of a comment on your life. I'm not a parent either, so I can't offer any useful opinions on how you should feel about your situation because my words would be fairly meaningless and trite.

What I will say, and bearing in mind I am Autistic so my way of showing empathy is to use a scenario from my own life to illustrate that I understand rather than to switch the topic to me, is that children do innately have a natural desire to remain connected to their parents, even in situations where people would assume they would have long ago cut ties. Some children do do this, if they chose to, but to demonstrate what I mean, I experienced significant abuse from my father from being 7-27. I won't go into much detail here as it isn't about me and there's information on other threads, but I was just talking to @arrall last night about how if my dad sat down with me face to face and put his pride aside (this is to say he is prideful only, not you) and apologise meaningfully to me for the horrible things he did and make a promise that he would never do it again, I would actually forgive him, start talking to him again, do normal father son things with him, and want him to be part of my life.

The reason for this is because at the end of the day, like anyone, I just want my dad like other people get to have and I am jealous of those who have what I can't. It wouldn't take much at all. Just a simple heartfelt apology and an acknowledgement of the damage he did to my life and the trauma he caused and a vow not to inflict more harm.

You may have done things you are not proud of, and most of us have. I know I have. But I do not think you should underestimate the connection and the desire for connecting with their parents if proper amends are made that children have.

 

[Pawaini]

*turn on the lights*
*feels deeply melancholic*
*removes tears from cheeks*

Sir. hard to find the words.
It s a relief stop holding my sorrow while getting these detailed and significant forms of residence and empathy, from an stranger, after being so analític and edgy.

Mental disorders could lead to very dark places.

While reading your story, relate about your son perspective, then escalate the damage, because all the void it’s from mama, lack of mom care harm deeper and longer, an unique love always needed and expected, the repent it’s titanic, my greatest burden it’s broken my boys heart by making him feel abandoned by both parents. But, I get I need to heal and move on.

I appreciate from my heart to remind how unique this bond is, that it’s not late to show him my apologies and there will be new memoirs from that.

Good Nite.
Feeling so much better.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

*turn on the lights*
*feels deeply melancholic*
*removes tears from cheeks*

Sir. hard to find the words.
It s a relief stop holding my sorrow while getting these detailed and significant forms of residence and empathy, from an stranger, after being so analític and edgy.

Mental disorders could lead to very dark places.

While reading your story, relate about your son perspective, then escalate the damage, because all the void it’s from mama, lack of mom care harm deeper and longer, an unique love always needed and expected, the repent it’s titanic, my greatest burden it’s broken my boys heart by making him feel abandoned by both parents. But, I get I need to heal and move on.

I appreciate from my heart to remind how unique this bond is, that it’s not late to show him my apologies and there will be new memoirs from that.

Good Nite.
Feeling so much better.

Welcome to Bluelight @Pawaini and thank you for posting.

I agree with Eligiu that reaching out to ask for forgiveness could mean a lot to your son. I would still go in with zero expectations because there is the possibility that he may not be ready to forgive immediately. I think that it is worth the effort to give him the opportunity to understand and forgive you regardless of the outcome because at least you tried. And it may even be something you have to work for to allow him the chance to process everything.

You are correct that it's not too late to show him your apologies. And even if this has a less than positive outcome, I hope you realize that I think suicide would not make things better. What if it causes your son a great amount of grief and guilt to learn his mother ended it on these terms? What if he blames himself and is traumatized because maybe he lost his chance to forgive you and now you are gone?

No, I think you must stay alive for the reasons I have stated. Please don't put your son and mother through the pain of something that could have worked out while you were still alive.

When my parents divorced my mom remarried in less than a year. I had a hard time forgiving her for what I perceived as a betrayal of my dad. I didn't talk to her for over a year after that. What if something had happened to her before I had a chance to forgive her and make amends? I would have felt awful and extremely guilty for giving her the silent treatment for so long. In the end though, I decided to forgive her after I learned of the psychological abuse and gaslighting my dad put her through. That's what I mean when I say it may take your son some time to process his feelings. Please don't cut that time short by ending your life before that can happen.

I send you love and I hope you can find peace in your heart

 

[n3ophy7e]

*turn on the lights*
*feels deeply melancholic*
*removes tears from cheeks*

Sir. hard to find the words.
It s a relief stop holding my sorrow while getting these detailed and significant forms of residence and empathy, from an stranger, after being so analític and edgy.

Mental disorders could lead to very dark places.

While reading your story, relate about your son perspective, then escalate the damage, because all the void it’s from mama, lack of mom care harm deeper and longer, an unique love always needed and expected, the repent it’s titanic, my greatest burden it’s broken my boys heart by making him feel abandoned by both parents. But, I get I need to heal and move on.

I appreciate from my heart to remind how unique this bond is, that it’s not late to show him my apologies and there will be new memoirs from that.

Good Nite.
Feeling so much better.

I am so glad you shared your feelings with us, it takes courage to be vulnerable. I'm not sure if you know this yet (but maybe you are figuring it out ) but you have a huge support network right here on Bluelight ❤ People of all ages, from all over the world, with all different backgrounds and infinite different life stories. But you will always be able to find someone here that you have something in common with (probably more), and you are never alone.

As Eli and Jerry have already said, I also think it could be immensely healing to reach out to your son and ask for forgiveness. Start that healing journey with him.

But you also need to forgive yourself. This doesn't happen overnight, sometimes it can take an entire lifetime. But I guarantee that if you work towards self-forgiveness and self-love you will start to feel better from within yourself. You are not lost, you are not helpless, you can still turn things around and have a happy life ❤

Keep talking to us, keep typing things out. It can really help process things in your head. We are here with you and for you ❤

 

[Pawaini]

This is more than expected, Thank you guys, I was seriously thinking on binging in dozen on benzos to take a maratónic sleep. What a lovey projectt. the commitment to safe lives it’s beyond words, a few decades I see this kind of commitment at Spain at rave parties, and because of them starting to buy the MDMA testing kits, I bet they saved many of newbies and MDMA or speed users as you guys did today, Blessings.

 

[Joey]

This is a dark and terrifying place to be. It's to the point of literal insanity where the mind can go when we're experiencing this sort of abyssal depression.

I've been in some really shit places too. Struggle with some portion of it on a neat-daily basis. At the very least, at the end of a good day - I'll often cry myself to sleep. It's most naturalising to inaugurating response I know to end the day and proceed into the next. I'd say this is embarrassing to even write on subjectively - but I've found a shtick for myself just being deadpan honest as much as it's possible to be at any given time. There's no way to actually get by if your defence mechanism is to be on the defence. An aggressive personal policy to charsis and forgiveness is what I'm finding has been my claim to life for my entire span on this site.

I shitpost too like the best of them, I was practically the leader of this site at one point. Not dealing with the insanity, sobering up some, and being so open to people hurting me in every way in my real, physical life is what led to my downfall. In part, it's a long story. My life is insanely fucked. Oftentimes my sense of humour is just masking a lot of pain and issues with self-worth inside. If you ever find yourself putting on a show as you're starting to feel a sense of life outside this darkness, be aware of how every aspect of your character, positive and negative, can carry over. Then it's a breakdown all over again.

I try my best. It's a really shit go in this world right now. I'm honestly terrified of where we're going internationally since COVID started too. Since 28 years always on edge, I'm 31 now. One other suggestion I have is if the media is a source of frustration and angst, to let it go. At least on subjects which intimidate you and are beyond anything we can do really in an individual and stop gap measure. Finances going to hell are a step by step multifaceted solution to be found over time too, I never imagined an AI-driven world I navigate in almost exclusively where everyone is wearing surgical masks. It's freaky stuff,

The point is, be honest with yourself and others. Claim your boundaries back, and just be the cool person we all can tell you usually sre @Pawaint and things should start to come to a resolution. Have you passed through one phase of life into another before? It will happen again, and for your stake in life you do have control over your philosophy and approach. A lot of things are always going to be sad, and it's a natural way to be where you're at right now,

It's also natural to get by however you can with an instinctual pattern to problem solve and survive. You can do it.

 

[n3ophy7e]

This is more than expected, Thank you guys, I was seriously thinking on binging in dozen on benzos to take a maratónic sleep. What a lovey projectt. the commitment to safe lives it’s beyond words, a few decades I see this kind of commitment at Spain at rave parties, and because of them starting to buy the MDMA testing kits, I bet they saved many of newbies and MDMA or speed users as you guys did today, Blessings.

Hi honey just checking in, how are you feeling today? ❤

 

[AbbeyLee]

I’m tired to act that Im fine, it’s not clear that after all those years of all kind of evidences, that I’m seeking a fatal outcome, this is not about a wild indulgence or trauma, Im truly seeking this to end, totally aware of that or unconsciously, I keep poisoning myself on daily basis pushing my entire system thru days and nights of stressing my lungs and heart, I didn’t do it for fun.

When asking for help, i was not looking for a cure, the only reason Im a selfish narcissistic broke coward..

Once when I was really high I had a vision, it was my funeral and my son was the last person to leave the place, he was sad but didn’t feel sad for him.

I ve been the most deplorable mother, the kid holds on the only year we lived together where I used to smoke crack at the liiving room, had a secret life at sadomasochist community and feed him the way to school, i discharged him to Europe when I lost my job, i ever did or pay anything related with his needs. Before that year he only could remeber me crying over his crackhead sperm donor, dating a dude with felonies or being the parasite of their wealthy perfect lgrandparents.

Romans were right, the life of all deformed, retarded or not compatible with life including crap mothers will be terminated,

I’m not compatible with life, life is for those who can smile no matter what, for those mothers who breastfeed their babies until toddlers, for people who take care of their bodies, those which read bedtime stories to their children....

I’ve been digging into this grave since I was 15, every single hit, drop, pill represents the number of times I wanted to be that type of person and I’m still doing it because I know who I am.

I hate being sober and look at the mirror, that remember I will never experience to be a normal thin and light child who runs to their moms arms, the teenager dancing at her 16 party or mature woman in charge of their home, what it feels to wear that kind of skin? that kind of skin who gives you a spouse, kids and brothers for your kids, friends and all of that?

I’m here 40 years later Lookng back and realize I’m ended tweaking on a drugs forum because I have nothing than the hidden desire to slowly kill myself.

There’s nothing about me that let me honour the only person who cares, my mama.

There is no redemption available for such a human disgrace.

Suffer is not compatible with life.

Hey @Pawaini

I'm glad you're here and others have helped you feel better

My daughter just turned 21. I'm a recovering alcoholic and I was a disastrous mother at times. I tell her I'm sorry and take responsibility for how I behaved.. But looking back is mostly a waste of time.

See you around I hope

Abbey xx

 

[Pawaini]

Hi honey just checking in, how are you feeling today? ❤

I’m feeling so much better, thank.
I’m living temporarily with my parents, my mom is a doctor she noticed the down and immediately called my therapist and my psychiatrist, i feel that her mom sense percibe something is wrong, this forum is helping mea lot to let past go thru texting and knowing can relate and find who listen makes me feel less isolated

Grateful hug.
G

 

[n3ophy7e]

I’m feeling so much better, thank.
I’m living temporarily with my parents, my mom is a doctor she noticed the down and immediately called my therapist and my psychiatrist, i feel that her mom sense percibe something is wrong, this forum is helping mea lot to let past go thru texting and knowing can relate and find who listen makes me feel less isolated

Grateful hug.
G

That is a huge relief to hear, I have been thinking of you and hoping that you're okay. I am very glad to hear you are living with your mother at the moment for extra support. We really need it sometimes. Thank god for parents ❤
Are you going to have a session with your therapist soon?

 

[Pawaini]

Welcome to Bluelight @Pawaini and thank you for posting.

I agree with Eligiu that reaching out to ask for forgiveness could mean a lot to your son. I would still go in with zero expectations because there is the possibility that he may not be ready to forgive immediately. I think that it is worth the effort to give him the opportunity to understand and forgive you regardless of the outcome because at least you tried. And it may even be something you have to work for to allow him the chance to process everything.

You are correct that it's not too late to show him your apologies. And even if this has a less than positive outcome, I hope you realize that I think suicide would not make things better. What if it causes your son a great amount of grief and guilt to learn his mother ended it on these terms? What if he blames himself and is traumatized because maybe he lost his chance to forgive you and now you are gone?

No, I think you must stay alive for the reasons I have stated. Please don't put your son and mother through the pain of something that could have worked out while you were still alive.

When my parents divorced my mom remarried in less than a year. I had a hard time forgiving her for what I perceived as a betrayal of my dad. I didn't talk to her for over a year after that. What if something had happened to her before I had a chance to forgive her and make amends? I would have felt awful and extremely guilty for giving her the silent treatment for so long. In the end though, I decided to forgive her after I learned of the psychological abuse and gaslighting my dad put her through. That's what I mean when I say it may take your son some time to process his feelings. Please don't cut that time short by ending your life before that can happen.

I send you love and I hope you can find peace in your heart

Feels so good to being supported by you.
Your experience and wise statements opens my bright side self.

Thank you su much, truly appreciated.
Love recived and sending back my profound gratitude

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

fatality is eminent
i have tried to hurry mine and others have had a try at my demise
we will go when its time no worries
exit and maybe a different stage apears? idk
kinda lookin forward to wtf is "after"
.

 

[Pawaini]

fatality is eminent
i have tried to hurry mine and others have had a try at my demise
we will go when its time no worries
exit and maybe a different stage apears? idk
kinda lookin forward to wtf i

Im not sure if there’s an exit or stage but right after know let you know, I expect a new whole concept and design

 

[deficiT]

It sounds like you are going through a potentially serious depressive phase, or struggling deeply with a substance use disorder. I don't know you, but I am positive you're being way too hard on yourself. You have created life! That is a very hard thing, yet it is very clearly the most rewarding. Anything your child accomplishes, all of their strength, all of their good qualities, can be attributed to you in part, YES even if you made mistakes.

Speaking as a son who was physically abused, neglected, and emotionally abandoned by his biological mother at a very young age, who subsequently has never stepped up through my entire nearly 30 years of life for me, was raised by an adopted family after losing his father, and has had to learn so many of my lessons the really, really, hard way, I can say without flinching, that I STILL find it in my heart to forgive and love my mother. She is deeply troubled. She has tried to at least be somewhat present in my life these past few years, albeit just with phone calls, but she simply isn't capable of being the loving mother I deserve. Thank God that someone else stepped up. But I STILL forgive her and it's still going to hurt me when she dies, she is nearly 70 at this point, and she's been a lifelong smoker and isn't very healthy.

You know how overjoyed I would be if my mother just said fucking "sorry, I know I fucked up, please forgive me?" Just once in my life! I think your child will be similarly overjoyed, if maybe not immediately, as Jerry mentioned, but at some point it will hopefully resonate with them and you can cultivate a more loving relationship going forward. This is not possible if you continue digging a preliminary grave. Seek help with a therapist &/or psychiatrist, continue repairing whatever damage you've done in your relationships in this life, seek contentment through meditation and spirituality, seek out rehabilitation if you need to physically detoxify yourself from drugs, all of these things will lead to a better result than seeking a fast or slow suicide.

This is my advice to you, and I can promise that if you start taking some of these steps, things have the potential of getting better. Doesn't mean they will immediately, but as a common saying adapted from Hindu scripture says "a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step". Please fight back against the demons in your mind, it is nothing but white noise, and you have the tools to drown it out.

Please feel free to reach out to anyone responding here if you are ever in a dark place and are contemplating something like this again, we are here! Sending all of my love your way

 

[Pawaini]

M

It sounds like you are going through a potentially serious depressive phase, or struggling deeply with a substance use disorder. I don't know you, but I am positive you're being way too hard on yourself. You have created life! That is a very hard thing, yet it is very clearly the most rewarding. Anything your child accomplishes, all of their strength, all of their good qualities, can be attributed to you in part, YES even if you made mistakes.

Speaking as a son who was physically abused, neglected, and emotionally abandoned by his biological mother at a very young age, who subsequently has never stepped up through my entire nearly 30 years of life for me, was raised by an adopted family after losing his father, and has had to learn so many of my lessons the really, really, hard way, I can say without flinching, that I STILL find it in my heart to forgive and love my mother. She is deeply troubled. She has tried to at least be somewhat present in my life these past few years, albeit just with phone calls, but she simply isn't capable of being the loving mother I deserve. Thank God that someone else stepped up. But I STILL forgive her and it's still going to hurt me when she dies, she is nearly 70 at this point, and she's been a lifelong smoker and isn't very healthy.

You know how overjoyed I would be if my mother just said fucking "sorry, I know I fucked up, please forgive me?" Just once in my life! I think your child will be similarly overjoyed, if maybe not immediately, as Jerry mentioned, but at some point it will hopefully resonate with them and you can cultivate a more loving relationship going forward. This is not possible if you continue digging a preliminary grave. Seek help with a therapist &/or psychiatrist, continue repairing whatever damage you've done in your relationships in this life, seek contentment through meditation and spirituality, seek out rehabilitation if you need to physically detoxify yourself from drugs, all of these things will lead to a better result than seeking a fast or slow suicide.

This is my advice to you, and I can promise that if you start taking some of these steps, things have the potential of getting better. Doesn't mean they will immediately, but as a common saying adapted from Hindu scripture says "a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step". Please fight back against the demons in your mind, it is nothing but white noise, and you have the tools to drown it out.

Please feel free to reach out to anyone responding here if you are ever in a dark place and are contemplating something like this again, we are here! Sending all of my love your way

I appreciate how people is supporting me, particularly those who showed a serious commitment keep believing, getting your perspective with those similarities it’s reslly important to me, I’m at the edge, I’m holding only in this place but the way contradicts makes me a double faced hypocrite, I hated how meth addicts are such a liars likei I am. Im here because ineeded answers but FDA gives a fuck an the Spanish lab who sends legal meth to the perverse pharma cycle of geeed, gov has the numbers, but not profils friendly,

Cant know if tweaking or holding, i can barely Be able to find the best way posbble to comunícate, nothing like yesterday, sorry for that. Sorry not feeling we’ll redacted. But there some thoughts.Thankyou.

I used be on your side. I worked at a lovely place located at Northern Mexico near the USA, Is big mansion with a fancy entrance stairs, a really nice kitchen, I used to be in second in charge. the keys guardián, we lives together, and I looking for hours to make it less tedious, at that rehab I worked with native ameeican tribes, a really calm people, I worked In lot of rehabs, with California young nice kids, I loved my work.

What Whappenwd? All that everyone says I understand, but not way back

 

[Eligiu]

@Pawaini how have you been holding up? I do hope that reading accounts from other forum members about how their childhoods were and that they would still accept their parents in their lives even despite severe abuse if only they got an apology serves to further my point I originally made.

I was not simply saying what I did to make you feel better, I know just as well as others who have experienced abuse or neglect from a parent that despite the hurt, trauma and how painful it is, often it isn't the actual abuse we have an issue with rather than the absolute resolve from the abusive parent not to own their past actions and make amends for their behaviour.

I'm not actually that upset at my dad because of the abuse, the reason it causes me so many problems with drugs and self harm is actually because he won't take responsibility and apologise.

I truly hope you don't make any decisions about taking your life before you have met with your son, given him a genuine and proper apology with a promise not to inflict further trauma (the apology is frankly meaningless without this element) and given him however long he needs to come to terms with that.

You may be waiting years, but he has every right to take that long to come to forgiveness and during that time all you can do is prove to him that he can trust you again.

Please don't make any rash decisions based on a fixable situation.

 

[Specified]

*Big hugs*