Scared about not being scared...?

[lasthurrah19]

Hi guys,

Been a while since I've written anything. As some of you know, the past two years have been a long battle against PTSD and depression for me. There is a lot of good news; I have very few PTSD symptoms left, and have really dealt with a lot of my past (which includes a lot of sexual/physical/emotional abuse and kidnapping)...
When I first started my PTSD treatment, I thought that if only I could stop having flashbacks, stop thinking about my trauma all the time, stop reliving, stop being hypervigilant etc... that I'd be golden. Honestly all these symptoms have gone down like 80-90% or so... as well as dissociation which is virtual non-existant at this point, except for a consistent level of derealization which may or may not ever go away. Point is, I'm doing well with my PTSD symptoms.

But, the depression is another issue... how can I be suicidal when nothing is fucking wrong? Sure I have no life, no desires, no energy and basically am nothing, but there is no pin-point, "I can't live because I feel guilty/ashamed/lost/just don't fucking care/deserve it/etc..."

I just, I really think I just don't want to live. I don't think I'm cut out for all of this, I love my psychiatrist but I'm tired of trying drug after drug... there is no PROBLEM except that I don't WANT ANYTHING... but living like this is not okay either...

I'm not scared of death. Maybe I am scared of life. But I feel like there are no loose ends. I am okay with my past. This would be an ideal time to go if I choose to, as I have no friends and the fewest amount of people who would be effected. And see, I'm kind of being coldly rational about this. I know that's not a good sign. But what if I just don't want to live? Is that selfish? Is it selfish for people to want me to live just so they don't have to deal with the fact that I am dead?

I'm not about to kill myself this moment, I'm really not looking for "please call 911 go to a hospital" kind of advice... I don't know what I'm looking for. I feel like there has to be some reason to live, even if it's just hope for a better tomorrow, but I don't think I have that. I am living so other people don't have to suffer from losing me. And I am tired of it.

I have stopped going to my IOP program and I think I'm going to call the therapist and just tell her thank you and that I'm sorry for worrying her from not going the past few days. No matter what happens, no one deserves to be dragged along and worried... I know how to say what I need to say to make at least some closure for her... And now that I type this, I guess the people who do care about me are being dragged along and worried, and isn't that just another reason to get it over with? As I said, no one deserves that...

Sorry this is so long. I just don't know anymore. I don't know anything.

 

[Cloudburst]

Perhaps you have phobophobia? It's defined as, well... a morbid fear of being scared, as strange as that sounds. There are many resources on google that you can find about it that may help you that I recommend you check out. Of course, self-diagnosis is not good and it is always best to see a mental health professional. The phobia idea was just my two cents.

 

[Jekyll and Hyde]

With my past, I've shown that I wasn't afraid of death, I'm still not afraid of death. I know if I can get out of this rut that I can have a very bright future (in my short career I was able to accomplish a lot already), but for some reason lately, I've become so apathetic about it all. This weekend was a horror show for me, but I'm "better" now. I can see how you're feeling, because I have felt/am feeling similarly right now. I guess what we have to do is hold on to the days that we're happy and reflect back on them to realize that life doesn't have to be so miserable all the time. I know this is easier said than done, because its hard for me too, but what else is there if we can't remember the happy days?

 

[n3ophy7e]

lh, I really do understand why you're feeling this way. But you've come so far through your therapy and you're doing so well hun. Depression is a really hard thing for anyone to conquer, but you can't give up now. It can take a while before you find the right combination of meds and/or therapy that works for you. You know you have the strength to work through this, just like you have with your PTSD and dissociative symptoms. You've got a lot of friends right here on Bluelight who would all be devastated if you left us before your time. Please hang in there hun, it's worth it, there is so much opportunity for you, tomorrow and beyond