Ekstasis-//7
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2005
- Messages
- 665
Salvia Dreams -- Truth too powerful to handle
The first time I tried some salvia leaves was about a year before this trip. They were in a bag sold with 15X on them. I now realise they were only very poor quality salvia leaf at that. Not an extract. It was smoked in a pipe holding the flame of a jet lighter to it the whole time. Inhaled and held breath in. Tried punching numerous cones but there was only very slight effects.
They next time I tried salvia was just over a year ago. I bought some good quality leaf, and 5x extract. Extra 5x and some 15x extract was thrown in for free. When I got it, the leaf smelled so much stronger that what I'd had before and the 15x extract smelled way stronger, like dirt.
I first tried the leaf. Made sure my bong was fully cleaned out from all cannabis residue. Packed a cone and burned one down with a jet lighter. Tasted kind of horrible, kind of metallic taste. Put down the bong and very quickly started to feel a bit different. I didn't really know what I was feeling or going to expect. My head began spinning a bit. I was a bit dizzy. I had a sensation of my perception being slightly different. I felt the dizziness stronger and it felt like a force was pushing me down. I had the strange sensation that my body was stuck to the floor. I felt a bit afraid. I tried to calm myself and forced myself to get up. I stood up, my balance was affected I felt heavy. I was not going to try walking around. I lent my back against the wall. Then I had a similar sensation to before. I felt like my back was now stuck to the wall, like a magnet. In a minute or two it had passed and I felt fairly normal again.
They next day I was alone in my room again and packed some 15x extract into a cone of the bong, smoked two bit hits with a jet lighter burning it the whole time inhaling and holding it in. Didn't even finish the cone I packed. Soon after putting the bong down something felt very wrong. Like a presence or something was all of a sudden in now in my field of vision or feeling of perception, best way I could describe it was that it felt like there was these salvia spirits there all of a sudden bugging me... and I was very very afraid like a child... I felt that strong sideways pull as my balance felt spinning. Next I think I was in a visionary state of trance or you could say I blacked out. ( heh.. the name Ekstasis kind of fits as it's Greek meaning literally to stand along side your self or more appropriately "out of body experience" AKA.. trance.
I must first say that before going into the trip I had been wanting very badly to trip to understand better why I had been so depressed for many years. What had gone wrong or what had happened in my childhood? or why I had become this way? I was quite discouraged that I had been getting no answers lately. I didn't want to sit back and let life pan out. I was determined to find out... I think my forceful determination and impatience led me a little too far this time...
Next thing I remember (after trying to piece it back together) I was in a different reality. Just exactly like in a dream or a nightmare where all I knew was the surroundings of in that dream and that is what felt real to me at the time. It's like when you're in a dream and you think that's normal reality. I knew nothing of who I was in normal reality, or the room I was sitting in or that I had taken a drug, anything except the dream reality I was now in. I was a child I could see myself from 3rd person I was sitting and was in some kind of child cot or playpen like I was trapped in there. I just sat there feeling the most intense feeling of pain. Emotionally like half of me was missing and I was in agony. I think I felt alone and ashamed but had this slight feeling like I wanted to feel this way, like I need to feel this way. It reminded me of some long lost way I used to feel in my childhood.
- Now that I have thought about it is just like the feeling I had when I was a child when sometimes I did something that wasn't good or I inconvenienced someone and I punished myself very strongly going entirely against what I had wanted and planned to do that I really wanted to... to not inconvenience anyone further. I felt like I deserved to feel ashamed and bad for making mistakes that had inconvenienced others. I thought that was how I was supposed to pay for mistakes and show I was sorry, to feel bad and ashamed and punish myself so the others I had inconvenienced would realise the way I felt and know I was sorry. Unfortunately what usually happened in these circumstances is that instead of the people realising I was punishing myself and sorry they would be like "What's the matter?" "I thought you really wanted to come with us?" ect ect. and that just made me feel 10x worse. -
Next thing it was like I was in an empty room and there were I think some dark flying creatures looking something like size of a small man with wings. More like black gargoyles or very big bats. They were trying to drag me over to the right. I just wanted to be left alone in my sorrow. I was in agony and felt bad enough as it was without these creatures bugging me. I sat there and tried to resist them. They were then saying something like "you must come back" or "you must come this way" and I rested. I thought they were my enemy and trying to take me away to some bad place. I was being tormented by them as they were literally grabbing me and trying to fly off with me and drag me away. I struggled fighting them off. They got me completely off the ground a few times and moved me a few metres but I managed to resist them. It was then that it all started to fall apart for me... the dream started to disintegrate. I realised I was outside of my body and they were trying to drag me away with them back to my body in reality and I had been resisting. I felt very afraid, and very unbalanced. I was aware of my surroundings now. I began to realise I had taken a drug and slowly I began to realise piece these strange physical sensations to coming from my body again. eg my jet lighter in my pocket pressing against my leg. What I remember it was like physically my body felt very strange like I was unused to it or something like I wasn't fully back in myself. Mentally my mind was still grasping at what had happened and had not fully adjusted back to normal thinking at all. I was at this stage afraid. I had huge fears that I'd not be able to work, maybe not ever from the intense fear and feelin only half my mind was in my body. I was afraid how would I explain to my boss that everything was wrong in my head now... I thought I might be in this state of feeling only half in my mind forever. I was so scared I'd be a schizophrenic or something.... I curled up still fully dressed lyin in my bed and was so afraid I couldn't begin to sleep. So I pretended to try to get to sleep. Gradually over the next few minutes I remember the fear getting much better and my mind although very shaken and traumatised, returning to normal.
I remember in those few minutes of 'returning' that I was so afraid and only half in my head. I told myself I would make this life change and choose this path instead because I didn't want to deal with any more fear and stress than I needed and I already felt so freaked out. Later I discarded those decisions as just being based on crazy fears. Funny how a few months on life changed, some things happened and I ended up finding myself on the "easy path". Having way more fun and enjoying life heaps more! Funny because this was exactly what I said I would do when I was in that whacked state when returning to reality from salvia. Ended up not being crazy fear talk after all!
I was afraid and traumatised the next day. The night before had been the scariest experience of my life! I was so insanely determined that I decided to smoke the extract again that day! I had some strange idea I'd got from mixed up stories of native boys training to be shamans that they had failed if they freaked out and got afraid. I tried it again with a hit of the 5x extract and was intensely afraid again, I could see or was in the dream reality again but I was also in this reality too. It made it much more difficult to understand or remember what happened in the dream reality. I struggled to hold on as I just felt like I just barely kept a hold on this reality.
I then realised it was not a trip I could just "conquer" but rather I had to sit back and try to understand what the hell had happened. Now only after over a year since it has happened am I able to write these notes and piece together the way it fits in with my life and traumas from childhood.
Having struggled with serious depression for many years I found it very cool the similarity of my trip to what I've read from Native American teachings. They talk about people suffering with mental/emotional problems like myself as being a like a person's soul is missing or lost and they must journey to find it and get it back. Seems to me a great allegory of what of what is regarded today in psychotherapy when a person in there childhood experiences a trauma and then as an adult there emotional state is still stuck in that memory of trauma.
Well I hope you enjoyed it.
The first time I tried some salvia leaves was about a year before this trip. They were in a bag sold with 15X on them. I now realise they were only very poor quality salvia leaf at that. Not an extract. It was smoked in a pipe holding the flame of a jet lighter to it the whole time. Inhaled and held breath in. Tried punching numerous cones but there was only very slight effects.
They next time I tried salvia was just over a year ago. I bought some good quality leaf, and 5x extract. Extra 5x and some 15x extract was thrown in for free. When I got it, the leaf smelled so much stronger that what I'd had before and the 15x extract smelled way stronger, like dirt.
I first tried the leaf. Made sure my bong was fully cleaned out from all cannabis residue. Packed a cone and burned one down with a jet lighter. Tasted kind of horrible, kind of metallic taste. Put down the bong and very quickly started to feel a bit different. I didn't really know what I was feeling or going to expect. My head began spinning a bit. I was a bit dizzy. I had a sensation of my perception being slightly different. I felt the dizziness stronger and it felt like a force was pushing me down. I had the strange sensation that my body was stuck to the floor. I felt a bit afraid. I tried to calm myself and forced myself to get up. I stood up, my balance was affected I felt heavy. I was not going to try walking around. I lent my back against the wall. Then I had a similar sensation to before. I felt like my back was now stuck to the wall, like a magnet. In a minute or two it had passed and I felt fairly normal again.
They next day I was alone in my room again and packed some 15x extract into a cone of the bong, smoked two bit hits with a jet lighter burning it the whole time inhaling and holding it in. Didn't even finish the cone I packed. Soon after putting the bong down something felt very wrong. Like a presence or something was all of a sudden in now in my field of vision or feeling of perception, best way I could describe it was that it felt like there was these salvia spirits there all of a sudden bugging me... and I was very very afraid like a child... I felt that strong sideways pull as my balance felt spinning. Next I think I was in a visionary state of trance or you could say I blacked out. ( heh.. the name Ekstasis kind of fits as it's Greek meaning literally to stand along side your self or more appropriately "out of body experience" AKA.. trance.
I must first say that before going into the trip I had been wanting very badly to trip to understand better why I had been so depressed for many years. What had gone wrong or what had happened in my childhood? or why I had become this way? I was quite discouraged that I had been getting no answers lately. I didn't want to sit back and let life pan out. I was determined to find out... I think my forceful determination and impatience led me a little too far this time...
Next thing I remember (after trying to piece it back together) I was in a different reality. Just exactly like in a dream or a nightmare where all I knew was the surroundings of in that dream and that is what felt real to me at the time. It's like when you're in a dream and you think that's normal reality. I knew nothing of who I was in normal reality, or the room I was sitting in or that I had taken a drug, anything except the dream reality I was now in. I was a child I could see myself from 3rd person I was sitting and was in some kind of child cot or playpen like I was trapped in there. I just sat there feeling the most intense feeling of pain. Emotionally like half of me was missing and I was in agony. I think I felt alone and ashamed but had this slight feeling like I wanted to feel this way, like I need to feel this way. It reminded me of some long lost way I used to feel in my childhood.
- Now that I have thought about it is just like the feeling I had when I was a child when sometimes I did something that wasn't good or I inconvenienced someone and I punished myself very strongly going entirely against what I had wanted and planned to do that I really wanted to... to not inconvenience anyone further. I felt like I deserved to feel ashamed and bad for making mistakes that had inconvenienced others. I thought that was how I was supposed to pay for mistakes and show I was sorry, to feel bad and ashamed and punish myself so the others I had inconvenienced would realise the way I felt and know I was sorry. Unfortunately what usually happened in these circumstances is that instead of the people realising I was punishing myself and sorry they would be like "What's the matter?" "I thought you really wanted to come with us?" ect ect. and that just made me feel 10x worse. -
Next thing it was like I was in an empty room and there were I think some dark flying creatures looking something like size of a small man with wings. More like black gargoyles or very big bats. They were trying to drag me over to the right. I just wanted to be left alone in my sorrow. I was in agony and felt bad enough as it was without these creatures bugging me. I sat there and tried to resist them. They were then saying something like "you must come back" or "you must come this way" and I rested. I thought they were my enemy and trying to take me away to some bad place. I was being tormented by them as they were literally grabbing me and trying to fly off with me and drag me away. I struggled fighting them off. They got me completely off the ground a few times and moved me a few metres but I managed to resist them. It was then that it all started to fall apart for me... the dream started to disintegrate. I realised I was outside of my body and they were trying to drag me away with them back to my body in reality and I had been resisting. I felt very afraid, and very unbalanced. I was aware of my surroundings now. I began to realise I had taken a drug and slowly I began to realise piece these strange physical sensations to coming from my body again. eg my jet lighter in my pocket pressing against my leg. What I remember it was like physically my body felt very strange like I was unused to it or something like I wasn't fully back in myself. Mentally my mind was still grasping at what had happened and had not fully adjusted back to normal thinking at all. I was at this stage afraid. I had huge fears that I'd not be able to work, maybe not ever from the intense fear and feelin only half my mind was in my body. I was afraid how would I explain to my boss that everything was wrong in my head now... I thought I might be in this state of feeling only half in my mind forever. I was so scared I'd be a schizophrenic or something.... I curled up still fully dressed lyin in my bed and was so afraid I couldn't begin to sleep. So I pretended to try to get to sleep. Gradually over the next few minutes I remember the fear getting much better and my mind although very shaken and traumatised, returning to normal.
I remember in those few minutes of 'returning' that I was so afraid and only half in my head. I told myself I would make this life change and choose this path instead because I didn't want to deal with any more fear and stress than I needed and I already felt so freaked out. Later I discarded those decisions as just being based on crazy fears. Funny how a few months on life changed, some things happened and I ended up finding myself on the "easy path". Having way more fun and enjoying life heaps more! Funny because this was exactly what I said I would do when I was in that whacked state when returning to reality from salvia. Ended up not being crazy fear talk after all!
I was afraid and traumatised the next day. The night before had been the scariest experience of my life! I was so insanely determined that I decided to smoke the extract again that day! I had some strange idea I'd got from mixed up stories of native boys training to be shamans that they had failed if they freaked out and got afraid. I tried it again with a hit of the 5x extract and was intensely afraid again, I could see or was in the dream reality again but I was also in this reality too. It made it much more difficult to understand or remember what happened in the dream reality. I struggled to hold on as I just felt like I just barely kept a hold on this reality.
I then realised it was not a trip I could just "conquer" but rather I had to sit back and try to understand what the hell had happened. Now only after over a year since it has happened am I able to write these notes and piece together the way it fits in with my life and traumas from childhood.
Having struggled with serious depression for many years I found it very cool the similarity of my trip to what I've read from Native American teachings. They talk about people suffering with mental/emotional problems like myself as being a like a person's soul is missing or lost and they must journey to find it and get it back. Seems to me a great allegory of what of what is regarded today in psychotherapy when a person in there childhood experiences a trauma and then as an adult there emotional state is still stuck in that memory of trauma.
Well I hope you enjoyed it.
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