Romancing a woman to death

[swmo]

She's been gone longer than i knew her. we actually met here. she commented on a post of mine from about 2 yrs ago. then, i came back here to thank those who were showing support. i remember this 1 woman who said she showed the pics i had posted here to many kids who were curious about needles. It was a great deterrent, she said. we spoke on the phone for several hours. we hit it off. we made big plans, meeting being only the first of it. we were both going to move to Albuquerque when the time was right for us. yeah, we had plans. LOL
We set the dates from 2/12-2/18 to include Valentines Day. We had plans for that day, for sure! She was gonna ride a bus for like 10 hours and i was going to be driving 12 hours from the opposite direction. It was to be my new beginning when i'm done here. (needed by family) I was going to be her getting out of a town she hated new beginning. She'd given up on romance years ago. But I re-ignited that spark for her.
I tried and tried to reach her on 1/19 all morning, short of sending smoke signals. Around 3, her son called me from her phone. she was unresponsive that morning & pronounced dead. i didn't believe him. i called her home town pd. they said yes, they brought her in this morning.
She had 2 kids, 18 & 22. Her daughter, the eldest, was having a hard time getting up the cremation fee. I sent in $150, the price of the bus ticket I was gonna pay to meet her. She was a member and founder of a group of people who suffer from HS. I can't pronounce the name of the affliction, but she did tons of work for hs-usa.org getting it it's non-profit status. Many of those people in her groups pitched in and got it done, i assume. Her daughter was very polite to me until she got the money. she thanked me. that was it. no funeral as per Tam's request. celebrate her life with a party. a party held 1225 miles away in AZ.
This woman sure seemed like the 1 for me. I'm kinda mad at her if she ODed, which may have happened. I told her to be careful about consumption before we met so she wasn't gakked out when we met. She may have died of heart failure in her sleep, though.
I haven't felt the same since we really started talking. Now I really feel she had a message for me, for our relationship to be so white hot intense, so short. There's a message of harm reduction or needle exchange type work in it. She thought I'd be great at it. I think that's what I'm going to try to do.
Tammie once left a message on my voicemail that she loved me "to death". =...(

 

[Lysis]

swmo, my ex who died and I had a special thing for Valentines. I realize right now is really hard, but do not blame yourself for her death.

I was really mad at him for ODing, too. I went through an anger period. Even now, when I meet these douchebags and we breakup, I think to myself "I never would have met him if you hadn't OD'd, Rob."

I know it's really hard to think, feel, eat, work, anything after this happens. It's so sudden, and you can't rationalize it in your head. You may even go through a period not believing it's true. I did that too.

I think we each suffer in our own way, but something you have to tell yourself is that it is NOT your fault. Drug addicts make their own choices, and hers was drugs.

BL is here for you. I know BL was my only outlet, but I used to cry when I posted. I am very sorry for your loss.

 

[Mariposa]

swmo,

Many years ago I lost someone and never found out why for certain, nor has anyone who knew him. He was an addict but also he had significant health problems. In listening to both my head and my heart, I came to the conclusion it was probably a combination of both. The friends that knew both of us agreed. We never used together, for which I am grateful. I did not know his family nor them me... I wish I had known what happened.

When he and I had the rare opportunity to spend time together (I moved to the opposite coast for opposite reasons) it was special. And yes, I did learn to love again, even if it didn't ultimately work out. Yet. You will too.

You are a survivor. For you to carry the message of hope and harm reduction even when you are dealing with your own difficulties (as you addressed in TDS) shows your caliber as a human being. Please do not forget that message of hope and inspiration that you learned from your own special love. Please continue to bring it to humanity. You are already making a difference.

I recommend that at the right time for you, that you seek bereavement therapy. A competent counselor will help you get through the difficulties you are presently facing. And yes, your friends on BL are most definitely here for you!

Keep on keepin' on, man. I hope your love found the peace that eluded her in life. You, your love, and her family remain in my kindest thoughts. I wish you the best.

 

[Lysis]

swmo, I'm going to move this to TDS. I hope that is OK with you. I think you will get some great insight, and I think you will get some advice that is far better than us SLR people can give.

I know you are hurting, and the TDS people are masters at saying exactly what needs to be said.

I hope you are OK, my friend. Some of us endure some really shitty stuff in life. We don't always deserve the shit that life throws us, but you can get through this. You don't deserve it, but you will find someone. Sometimes, I think we have to go through the worst of times to find the right one.

I agree with Mariposa's bereavement therapy advice. I wish I had done that when I was hurting the most. I think it would have gotten me through some of the stuff I think that has lingered after my ex's passing.

We are here for you. Please feel free to post and say what you feel. I'm moving this to TDS, because they have always been there for me when I'm at my lowest point, and my friend, it feels like you need someone right now. HUGS HUGS HUGS from me.

 

[swmo]

i think just about everyone is tired of me whining. it's not going to change anything. it's not going to change the fact that i'm a loser, an example to others what not to be. literally millions of people go through worse everyday and they're ok. i'll be fine, once i let completely go. no need to move the post. delete it if you'd like.

 

[Lysis]

I don't know if I didn't move this or what. When I read this, BL was running reeeeally slow for me.

No one is tired of your whining. It's NOT whining. You're hurting. Please feel free to chat at BL.

I'm going to try this again. TDS has a bunch of extremely supportive people, and I think you'll get a lot of good feedback from people who have come from sorrow and made it through.

Again, I'm really sorry for your loss.

 

[Canis aureus]

i think just about everyone is tired of me whining. it's not going to change anything. it's not going to change the fact that i'm a loser, an example to others what not to be. literally millions of people go through worse everyday and they're ok. i'll be fine, once i let completely go. no need to move the post. delete it if you'd like.

I don't think it's whining. You have certain right for such "whining".

Sorry for you loss

 

[Asclepius]

i think just about everyone is tired of me whining. it's not going to change anything. it's not going to change the fact that i'm a loser, an example to others what not to be. literally millions of people go through worse everyday and they're ok. i'll be fine, once i let completely go. no need to move the post. delete it if you'd like.

'Whining' is showing your trying to deal with your loss/issues...dont go beating yourself up because your trying to process your feelings. Plenty of people are afraid to express themselves and bottle things up which can be dangerous...your being honest and thats a brave thing that you should respect yourself for. Moving on is also important but please dont knock yourself for being human.

Am so sorry for your loss Swmo, I remember reading the Thread about her passing and having read some of her posts, I found it very upsetting.
Its wonderful that you have highlighted details about her here; her struggles and her achievments, also the fact she has had a positive influence on you, with regard to you considering getting involved in 'Needle Exchange' work.

Wish you the best with your endeavours and hope that they have a positive influence on your life and in her honour.

 

[Legerity]

Don't apologize for expressing yourself! It's never easy to lose somebody. Some people have touched me so deeply after only knowing them for a short period of time, so I do believe that each encounter is an opportunity to learn and grow. The "lesson" doesn't always come right away but I find looking back it seems much more clear why I encountered certain people at the time that I did.

I hope you're able to make peace with what happened