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Captain.Heroin

Captain.Heroin

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
94,863
Location
Thousands of Miles Away From You
A long time ago when I first started dating the person I considered my best friend of five years, he wanted to see what I was posting and what not so he signed up for an account on Bluelight. He allegedly never posted on this handle but he did register it, I just verified by looking into his email.

I miss you, buddy. Your family misses you terribly. Your mom and I cried together quite a bit a few weeks ago, two days after your passing. I'm so sorry.

He had 30% odds of success if going through treatment; 70% odds he'd have died anyway from the prolific extent of alcoholism and how badly he had trashed his kidneys and liver. (There was speculation he had liver cancer as well, which would have been a separate perilous battle)

You were the person in the world I could look up to, have fun with, and feel great to be around for five years. It devastates me that you aren't here anymore. He was only 40 years old. He didn't use illegal drugs; only alcohol and tobacco. Maybe got stoned once a week to a month; very infrequent marijuana user. Almost exclusively alcohol abuse and cigarette use only.

I felt the community should know we lost one of our own late April of this year. He had been drinking, profusely, for a constant twenty years, with very little breaks. He did have one year of clean time but that was it. He was incredibly cultured, intelligent for having no formal education (including no high school diploma). He even got into college despite this. He was one hell of a character, and larger than life. Your whole family misses you terribly and there's no one who can fill the role you had.

I am going to keep moving on with my life and I'm going to be thankful I knew you. Thanks for being who you were, and I will always appreciate your friendship. I heard you spoke highly of your friendship with me to your mom, and that meant the world to me. That gave me the only sense of closure I'll ever have. I would have supported your choice for passive euthanasia. I wouldn't have tried to talk you out of it. I just wanted to be there to assure you it was going to be alright, that you have nothing to fear, that you got to have more pleasurable life experiences than many on earth and I was thankful to know you too. I never got to say that, and I'm alright with that. I respect your desire to be alone in your last days.

I am sincerely sorry you were in so much pain at the end. I'm sorry you didn't get access to euthanasia medication because I heard about the level of pain you were in and the way your mother described it made me feel so terrible.

Rest in peace.

A warning to anyone who is struggling with morning-to-blackout-at-night for years and years if not decades on end type alcoholics: This can kill you. His body wasn't resilient organ-wise, though he never had a seizure. Please get to a doctor and see what your life expectancy is. I know not every alcoholic is this thoroughly addicted to it, but I wanted to warn the community.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss CaptainH. I know that pain all too well. The price we pay for loving someone is the pain of loosing them. It's a high price, but I believe it is worth it. Hold on tight to the memories - the part of his life that he shared with you will live on in your heart and soul for the rest of your life. In time, the sadness you feel will be replaced with smiles and beautiful memories.
Peace,
Dale
 
I am saddened to hear of your loss CH. Please accept my heartfelt condolences. I agree with Dale, you will slowly start to heal and then you will remember the great memories and times you shared together.

He is at peace now.

Much love my friend,
here if you need anything at all.
Ash.
 
Thanks Capt. Your Love rang through the whole post as well as your Pain??
Hang in there, as an alcoholic myself I have had to walk over way too many bodies in my 36 years of acceptance of my condition, and the work that is needed everyday to have a Sober life.
All the best
 
May he rest in peace, every school should have a copy of this shrine to kick home the aftermath of addiction.
Reading through this broke my heart, so many young people gone to soon
I hope they all have the peace they desired in life
 
Sorry I didn't see this sooner man. You are holding up remarkably well, all things considered. Stay strong. ?
 
I wrote this for you. I know this is probably not "the appropriate" place to put it, and I probably should have left it in Words, but I can't help myself.


You died without me by your side. I cannot help but consider the fact you spared me a great trauma, but also stole from me great closure. I was dead with you, in spirit. I remember the laughs, the joys. The good times. The amazing experiences I will never forget. Sometimes I cry thinking about the acrid bitter-sweetness of these memories. At other times I can smile and remember the good times.

I still have a photograph of us; you know the one. Back to back, smiling, in front of a fake screen with a virtual reality experience sold to the tourists. I don't care about the picture. I care about how it makes me remember exactly how I felt and thought and remembered and lived in that moment, and that moment is still real to me.

Come back. You cannot, for you are dead, but I ask anyway. I pray for the recurrence now, because I know it will happen regardless and it at times seems preferable to the lack of perception. At other times I see it the other way from my profuse introverted trist, and wish nothing more than to be cold beside you.

We used to look up at the stars. You would point out Venus, or Mars, or the comets. You loved the universe at large. None of it is real, it is all virtual: untouchable. None of this is authentic as the thing that has created us. We are just experiencing a script. Avatars controlling avatars, being controlled by aliens, arguing about sprites and the increasingly unrealistic engine that replicates what should be the laws of physics but is something inadvertently bastardized; a better word would be muddled by programmer incompetency.

We all have those moments.

I think about what my life is going to be like 5 years from now, 10 years from now. I think about what I want to do, the few aims and aspirations of left. I think about the absurdity of human existence; that we keep seeking out meaning where there seemingly is none.

During my every day life of an existence even the least humble person on earth would pity, I feel time carrying us all. A moment always comes during the same part of every day when I see it being carried by myself, and others around me. The human butt-wipe post-consumerist garbage of the world, repackaged as food after all other species are extinct due to climate and environmental crises, we perpetually live in a future that never comes: "tomorrow," "later on," "when you have made your way," "you will understand when you are old enough." These idioms are wonderful, for, after all, it's a matter of dying. Yet a day comes when a young man reaches the age of thirty. We assert our youth. But simultaneously we situate ourselves in relation to time. We take our place in it. I, at the very least, have taken my place in it and this above all else I accept. I admit that I stand at a certain point on a curve that I acknowledge having to travel to its end. I belong to time, and when others come across this realization it normally terrorizes them. It used to be my worst enemy; the knowledge that nothing seemingly matters in an impermanent existence, as if it never happened. No permanent consequences. I used to desire for the passage of time: counting down the days, in multiple now-pointless scenarios. My time would have been better spent accepting pre-determinism and that no one makes mistakes; we are merely living through experiences and happen to grow as individuals or we don't. That in itself is also outside of our control. We are running a script and the results will be analyzed later. When I was younger, and wanted time to go by quicker, and still I seek to rush to the end of life, running away from tactile sensation and pain because I have never learned acceptance, everything in me ought to reject it. This is the absurdity of life. The revolt of my body and aberrant brain are the signature of my personal mundanity. I shall never escape the ennui I am now faced with, and yet I still live and could not tell you why. There's no target. No end-game. In video games, it becomes clear what end game(s) the 'real life' human being strives for. Some people in FPS games want most kills, and don't care if it's from skill or hacks. Others want team wins. Others want objective wins, no matter the cost. Others want a certain style of kill (sniper rifle, knife, grenade) proficiency. Others want a kill/death ratio because the worship of the numbers that encode the script is all the being controlling the avatar controlling the avatar with sprite interaction issues could ever hope to become sexually drawn to in their realm. In mmorpg games, there's a plethora of end-game (achievements, top-tier group quests, large group events, player versus player, exploration, currency, housing). I have no end-game to my life. There's no method or alogrithm for determining or analyzing what "end-game" people strive for in life. The set belief systems allude me and I used to live by some of them (I speak as if "I" was doing "any of that", I was not, it was something I was merely experiencing); that is what a simulation is: an experience, with detailed data at the end for analysis. All of them failed me. I fail to see any of them working for others. People turn to idiotic belief systems (anti-vaxxers, flat-earth society, people who believe in god) to stick their head in the sand over this one.

You and I did not, friend. That is why I will miss you. Other people are hell and so am I.

I just do not see the point of a life where I cannot enjoy something forever. Even in a mortal life where I know I am an impermanent being, I still retain the past in the form of memories. If that were to become compromised I wouldn't see why life should be worth living. If my consciousness isn't retained forever my life has no meaning and I should just end it, yet I keep going on and I do not know why, aside from the fact that it is not "I" that is doing it: as I said, I am just experiencing this. No control: all scripted.

I watched two people I love, both still alive, being dragged through the most hellish existences imaginable as they lose all recollection of self-identity. I watched you passively euthanize yourself. You died next to only one person who supported your decision. I would have supported it too, if I only had understood. I didn't know. You sounded so brave. I didn't know how bad the treatment was, that your body was failing anyways and the odds were stacked against you.

I am sorry. I am sorry we belong to time. I am not sorry that I belong to time for I have accepted it, but I do not think you did, my eternal friend. I will always love you.
 
in absolute floods of tears over this post. addiction is so cruel.
 
Thank you guys. To be fair the last thing I posted wasn’t entirely original. I reworked some stuff.

I still miss him a lot and cry almost every day. I’m remembering all the good things he did and stood for and am trying to live that way too.

It feels good to move on and remember the good times. I’m working hard to do that.
 
CH, I had no idea. I am so sorry. You were a loyal friend and partner and that was not always easy. You gave him your love and acceptance and despite everything you have written about life I do believe there is great meaning in that. I don't know why or even how but I believe that love is probably the only meaning carved out of our otherwise meaningless trips through time. I do not believe that we "move on" from grief as much as we (hopefully) move forward with it. We carry the love and the sorrow, the memories and the forgetting, and all of it is a continuation of the bond we shared in physical life.
 
herbavore said:
I do not believe that we "move on" from grief as much as we (hopefully) move forward with it.
Click to expand...
I believe I can leave it behind fully. I have for others I have lost in life, literally or figuratively.

I will be alright. I can get by now, I'm not really dead but I really needed someone to save me; leaving me alone to die is worse than having the guts to kill me
 
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