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Reverting to old ways

Dark Ambience

Dark Ambience

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 25, 2005
Messages
374
Location
Australia
Hi Guys,

This is probably a pretty common thread considering the nature of BL.. but basically, lately I have been finding myself slipping back into habbits I thought I was over a few years ago - I'm still young (21) - but lately I have been drinking a lot, going out and having a blast, smoking cigarettes and all kinds of activities I thought I let go of when I was 18/19.


Like this may sound strange, but here the drinking age is 18 and I find most of my friends have burnt out the whole 'scene' by now apart from a select few who are as loose as me. I have been under a lot of stress lately, so maybe this is an escape technique, or perhaps im dealing with the idea of 'getting old' in my own way.

The dark side of this of course is the constant 'burn-out' feeling from excessive alcohol and the guilt that is associated with it - what did I do and why did I do it etc.... but this only stays present for 1-2 seedy days a week and here I am on a Monday night itching for Friday to roll around.

I want to make new friends, meet new people, have more sex.. I kind of feel as if I have a 2nd wind and feel like riding it for all its worth -

So I guess what I'm getting at is - I know my lifestyle choices are destructive, but should I continue pushing the line for the sake of good times - or is it time to be responsible - I guess its a question I have to answer individually, but any comments appreciated
 
I was in pretty much the same situation as you when i was 21. I was a alcoholic from the age of about 17 to 21. Though i started drinking heavily from the age of 15 it was mostly a weekend thing up until a point.

All my friends drank and alot of them still do. I drank almost everyday for 5 years or so minus a few months of sobriety where i just smoked a load of weed to stop the anxiety. Whenever i quit the anxiety would eventually get so bad that i went back to it. I couldnt have a good time without drinking because everyone i knew drank.

I eventually got sick of drinking because i got completely burnt out on it. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had a few wake up calls such as vomiting up blood a few mornings, older alcoholics that i could easily drink under the table telling me that id be dead before long at the rate i was going and the realization that drinking a 40ozer of rum in a single night was just not normal or healthy.

When i finally did quit after many failed attempts it was hell for a few months i won't lie about that. My nerves where shot for a year. When i quit the withdrawals where pretty severe so i had to use valium and temazepam to get through it and make sure i didnt have a seizure and so i could sleep.

I don't miss it that much now although i still do get cravings now and again. I walk into a liquor store and see a big bottle of rum or whiskey and i think that one bender wouldnt hurt. But now i just look at some of my former friends who are so far gone on booze, coke or in some cases meth that they are practically brain dead. One guy i know always has sore legs from all the staggering around he does while hes drunk.

If you quit good luck to you man trust me your body will thank you for it. Im 26 now and the older you get the worse the hangovers get i can tell ya that. I got drunk last fall and i had a hangover for 2 fucking days after. It was horrible i pay so much for one night on the booze. It's not really worth it all that shit is fun when you are 18 and 19 but when you get older it's kind of pathetic.

I like the ricky avatar too by the way =D .
 
I'm right there with you.

When I was 18/19 I got into a bad way with drinking, coke, complete lack of responsibility, everything. When I first went away to college I picked a party school and my best friend went with me too. It all took me by storm and I got caught up in a scene of late night partying into the early morning, rolling, blowing yay.. the whole nine yards. None of that was part of my routine in highschool; I was just smoking weed a lot, tripping, etc. It was more or less under control.

So I went away to college like I said, flunked out first semester, and came home. However, I had a stimulant problem when I came home which I didnt have before. I quit coke but started abusing my adderall every day, and when I crashed, I would drink normally until I blacked out. Whiskey drinker at the time.

That got me into some serious trouble which I wont go into, but I went to rehab for a while, lived in different parts of the country, all in all it was about an 18 month ordeal. I came back in August of 2006. Initially I relapsed and then went back to AA. Stayed sober 10 months and then went back again towards the end of last summer (07) so I've been using/drinking for the last 6-8 months.

I feel at times like I should have stayed sober, but the other part of me knows that it blows ass being sober and it just isnt for me. I really tried the steps, I really did give it what I had. It just didnt work. I either failed the program or it failed me.

Regardless, I'd rather live in the fast lane... if it means risking my freedom, dying, whatever... somehow I know its insane, but its just the way I am. I can't help it.
 
wen u talk about having the 'good times' im reminded of a song (i dont know who it was originally by, sadly - sumone probly will - but ozzy did a cover for it) - it goes sumthing along the lines of 'i remember all the good times that are wasted having good times'
and its completely tru!
u can live a great life sober, or if u can handle it, drinking occasionally/irregularly
good times r how u interpret them
sure its fun to drink up to a point, but remember how u feel the next day if u overdo it.....wondering wat uve done the night before, acting like a total goon (if ur anything like me wen i was drunk), putting urself in danger from lack of inhibition
and to top it off u say u feel guilty about it
if ur asking me whether or not u shud change ur lifestyle, id say change it, or at least alter it
find sumthing else u enjoy doing - theres gotta b sumthing!
if uve read any of my threads ull know i was a total methhead and an opiate addict - sure i had a fucking blast, wen i wasnt in withdrawal, psychotic, depressed or any combination of the above
these days i put all my passion into training and competing on my horse, training my new puppy, enjoying metal.....straight (still gets the adrenalin pumping!), im a car enthusiast, and of course i totally geek out over the internet
am i happier for choosing this way of life over getting wasted? fuck yea!
it might b hard at first, but as u say ur only at the point of slipping into ur 'old ways' - if u stop it now, itll b easier to stop than sumwhere further down the line
best of luck
 
I've been sober for a little over 4 months from a 100 mg a day methadone habit. Life still pretty much sucks right now. I'm getting sick of having crazy ass dreams about using. For example, last night I had a dream about my grandma buying me a bag of heroin and demanding me to shoot it up in front of her. I have dreams like that pretty much every night. I loved everything about using and didn't really suffer any side effects besides overdosing twice. I went to rehab for 6 weeks and hated the whole concept of AA and NA. I think the programs can work for some, just not for me. I'm sick of the monatiny of every day life and to be honest; I just want to get high.
 
^i feel like that sumtimes too - yea if i was to b totally honest id luv to stick a needle in my vein right about now
but theres too much to lose
if u werent suffering any side effects from using and u start up again, trust me....theyll come in time
if evrydays monotonous, find a way to stop it from being so - thats basically wat my post was about
 
Old ways are hard to break...only advice I can offer is that you may regret the damage to your family/friends/body in the future...haha I say that to myself then half the time to back to my old habits, but it's still a thing to think about as you're standing in the liquor isle, one second away from relapsing.

Although not a drug addiction, I was a heavy self harmer from the ages of 13-17 and now that I've quit, I regret every scar on my body. It's because of those years of scarring up my body externally that I can't wear long sleeves without enduring stares, have to roast my ass off in the kitchen at work because I have to cover my arms...and even the scars that aren't visible under normal dress, they're there, and it bothers me. That was a time in my life where I loathed myself, didn't really give a fuck about living, and didn't look forward to the consequences of scarring up my arms because I didn't look forward to living, period. Times have changed.

Don't get me wrong, cutting was extremely hard to quit. I didn't recover instantly. It took years of repeating the same cycle; cut, scar, regret, get pissed off at myself, cut to vent my frustration at myself, scar, regret....only after I regretted it enough times and learned that cutting wasn't getting me anywhere in the long run, did I stop cutting completely.

I also use to have a heavy (psychological) dxm addiction. I would spend my entire paycheck every month on dxm...it was a compulsion more than anything. When I went into the stores I normally bought it from, it was like I had tunnel vision, went on auto pilot, and would come to my senses standing at the checkout, bottle of cough syrup in hand, thinking 'Fuck'. So I started doing this. As I was standing there, fighting the decision to blow my paycheck again or go sober, I would tell myself that I only lose the battle against my addiction once I completed all the steps of obtaining my DOC. I would allow myself to stand in the cough and cold isle and gaze at the packages, and I would sometimes even pick up a box and wander the store, only to set it down later. But I reminded myself that there were several steps that preceeded actually purchasing the dxm and losing the battle, and that I had a choice. I also reminded myself that I needed to save up for things that would last longer than the several hours I was high.

Sorry for my rambling, but this is some stuff that helped me when I was battling old habits.
 
wiggi said:
to be honest; I just want to get high.
Click to expand...


What is stopping you?


I am not telling you to get high, just wondering what influential factors motivated your cessation. Because dude, I feel you. TRUST ME, lol.
 
I am planning to relapse on DXM

I have this week taken many Lyricas, like 40 ...
That burns my RX ... I feel bad about it.

Tomorrow would be a NA meeting and I am going to there. I feel like I wouldn't care.

I have been without drugs 8 months, but been taking extra Lyrica for a while now.
 
Madmike said:
I am planning to relapse on DXM
Click to expand...

Do you think it's worth losing your 8 months of being sober over getting high for only a couple hours? Think of all the work you put into your sobriety, just to flush it right down the toilet...:\
 
Dark Ambience said:
Hi Guys,

This is probably a pretty common thread considering the nature of BL.. but basically, lately I have been finding myself slipping back into habbits I thought I was over a few years ago - I'm still young (21) - but lately I have been drinking a lot, going out and having a blast, smoking cigarettes and all kinds of activities I thought I let go of when I was 18/19.


Like this may sound strange, but here the drinking age is 18 and I find most of my friends have burnt out the whole 'scene' by now apart from a select few who are as loose as me. I have been under a lot of stress lately, so maybe this is an escape technique, or perhaps im dealing with the idea of 'getting old' in my own way.

The dark side of this of course is the constant 'burn-out' feeling from excessive alcohol and the guilt that is associated with it - what did I do and why did I do it etc.... but this only stays present for 1-2 seedy days a week and here I am on a Monday night itching for Friday to roll around.

I want to make new friends, meet new people, have more sex.. I kind of feel as if I have a 2nd wind and feel like riding it for all its worth -

So I guess what I'm getting at is - I know my lifestyle choices are destructive, but should I continue pushing the line for the sake of good times - or is it time to be responsible - I guess its a question I have to answer individually, but any comments appreciated
Click to expand...


you can have amazing good times away fromthe partying!!!

you say the qord destructive. ask yourself - do you want to be a destructive influence in your own life? destruct - of the verb destroy...

choices.. destructive...

= no dont keep going just for the kick of making memories - if aything you are cutting yourself off from getting on in lif and making choices - yuo can have ajob, paythe mortgage etc and still having a roaring god time!

it doesnt have to be about dink and drugs etc.

in due course you'll sober up and think - ooh! everyone moved on without me...
 
I have been hanging there. I was at treatment facility for 10 days again. I told them I was using Lyricas to get the edge off. I didn't told them about DXM.

I have now more control, in the future I get my Lyricas once a week. But I think it would be better to withdraw from them, because they keep me addicted to drugs. I couldn't tell that to them, because, I want to hide my addiction.
 
honestly it kind of makes me sad when people talk about "good times". For me those times ended long ago when it came to partying, and like you, I am young, 22 years old. The last fun times I had with my friends that included drinking smoking weed was years ago. since then, my "partying" has been purely destructive, popping pills, shooting dope and coke, drinking methadone.. The only real good productive times in my past 5 years were when i was sober, and those were haunted with intense cravings of wanting to use the very drugs that screwed me up so much in the first place.
 
To OP

You're young, as long as you're able to do what you need to do during the days and aren't hurting anyone I'd say now is the time to go out, drink, smoke, get laid (be safe of course), if you're having fun and especially if you're not doing it every night just enjoy yourself.

However if you really feel it's hurting you and isn't fun anymore than by all means stop. l drank day and night for a number of years, I honestly think if I didn't spend those years in my twenties going out getting drunk and laid I would have felt like I had missed something. I personally needed that experience. Of course eventually I took it too far and things got ugly and it wasn't fun but I don't regret any of it. If you were older I wouldn't be saying this, only you can really know what feels right for you, but don't feel guilty for having fun.

If you're prone to addiction like I am and find yourself drinking day and night that's a whole other story. I've been doing good lately, been pretty moderate with drugs, taking care of business, but tonight I got so orgasmically high on Morphine and D-amphetamine I felt like I was in heaven, I almost felt guilty about it which is weird, but I think when a drug or drugs can bring you that kind of fulfillment you can get fooled into relying on them for all your needs and that is a scary thought indeed.

Be careful, listen to your inner voice, but have fun!
 
Znegative said:
honestly it kind of makes me sad when people talk about "good times". For me those times ended long ago when it came to partying, and like you, I am young, 22 years old. The last fun times I had with my friends that included drinking smoking weed was years ago. since then, my "partying" has been purely destructive, popping pills, shooting dope and coke, drinking methadone.. The only real good productive times in my past 5 years were when i was sober, and those were haunted with intense cravings of wanting to use the very drugs that screwed me up so much in the first place.
Click to expand...


I could have said this entire line myself. Im in the exact same boat. Lately I've fallen back into dope and now yet again all I want in the world is to get off the shit....but then I think, for what? To sit and crave be miserable just to relapse again. I dunno. :\
 
Trying-to-recover dopefiend w/alcoholic husband

In preparation for a move to a very rural area, I am trying hard to convert from mdone. to Suboxone. In 4 mos. I have detoxed from 160mgs to 25. My current dose has no blocking effect, keeps me well for <8 hrs, and, of course, offers no help in reducing cravings. I'm now at a hostel on the CA coast to take some time for myself; I hiked 8 miles today with a 1000 ft elevation gain in order to distract me from the anxiety of w/drawal & my constant yearning for Opium.
When I ret'n home the day after tomorrow, I have to beg my alcoholic husband to visit an acute care clinic for his medical problems & either sober up or seek residential treatment. I've surely forfeited all right to criticize; however, when drunk, he often attacks me by bursting into the room I'm in, yelling at me & throwing things at me. I'm so worried about my upcoming 48 hrs w/out mdone. I won't be able to tolerate these episodes on those days. I've certainly earned mistreatment by resuming opiate use during this detox. Sometimes I think of leaving him but we've shared such wonderful times in the past. I may stay at a hotel during those difficult 48 hours. He's never hit me; I don't know what to do.
 
well when i was 15-22 i was a heavy drinker and weed smoker..then i got into pain pills then heroin i just recently got clean i wish i woulda stayed just drinkin and smokin herb
 
When you are flooded with stress everyday, you are forced to make decision after decision after decision.

When it comes to making a decision such as whether to have fun or to play it safe, your mind is burnt out and just wants to have fun. It's normal, we all have stretches of rowdiness and brew-ha-ha's

-1 point for saying brew-ha-ha
 
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