Relationship with parents, am i being unreasonable?

[Darksidesam]

Hey, so something that has contributed to my issues is my childhood and parents. This post is not so much about my dad because he gets it and just leaves me to it. My mum has paranoid schizophrenia and i lived with her since birth and up until age 6-10 i lived with only her and no other adults present. As you can imagine, unmedicated i experienced all sorts of trauma, neglect and mindfuckery.
Fast forward i am now 31 . Out of all 3 of us (i have 2 siblings who also lived with her) i experienced most of the damage and abuse (care workers said i would be the one who needs therapy etc)
Out of all 3 of us I was the only one who initiated a dialogue again when i was age 19 and helped her get treated by the hospital and released with after-care including benefits and housing (despite being a total drug taking wreck myself at the time)

Am i being unreasonable?
Now out of the 3 of us, she has had no contact with 1 sibling ever since being taken away at a young age, and my other sibling its a more 'normal' relationship healthy contact doesnt talk the same nature or frequency as she does to me. With me, my mum will constantly talk about the past and tries every opportunity to undermine the abuse and neglect i recieved from her as a child (the very small collection of photos of me from then show me very underweight where i wasnt fed) anyway, all i am asking is that she doesnt contact me every single fucking day but she does not seem to respect my boundaries i want from her (or anyone in fact i find any daily social or socialising extremely exhausting, possible ASD)
Is this too much to ask given the circumstances? am I being an arsehole or what? She also goes on and on about my cannabis use (which i must add is a lot less than it was many years ago and i only mix thc with cbd flower now anyway im not truly 'out of it' for long at all. I havent lived with her since i was 10 years old, ive lived alone since 21 in houseshares/own places (i have lived with partners a couple of times too)

 

[Nurse Ratched]

That's a tough one to answer because she is your Mom. Technically regardless of how she was when you were younger she is still worth your love. She had a mental illness and it prevented her from living normally and being the best Mom she could. Doesn't mean that she didn't love you the only way she knew how. If she is still schizophrenic then she still can't help the way she is.

My Mom has perfect mental health and she STILL gets on my back on the daily for a multitude of things. It's a pain in my ass and it ticks me off frequently but I say nothing, agree with her and carry on. Because I love her. Regardless of her being crotchety in her golden years she still loves, and worries about me and I am going to miss the hell out of her when shes gone.

Can ya try and grin and bear it simply because she IS your Mom? You don't live with her, she doesn't pay your bills and she doesn't really bother you except for your weed use. Her existence has probably been filled with confusion and suffering so we almost have to put aside our frustration and anger and give the people that brought us into this world as much credit and love that we can.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

I should specify that I don't mean that children that were horribly abused ( physically or sexually ) are supposed to love their parents. You might well hate them for what they did. I'm just generally speaking about parents that may have been poor, addicted, mentally unwell, young or any other circumstance where they had a child and obviously weren't prepared for the experience.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

It doesn’t sound like you are being unreasonable. Unfortunately life can often present us with situations that are unreasonable, I find that the most important thing is to not make these situations worse by responding in the ‘wrong’ way. There are some things that we can control and some things that we can’t and when presented with a situation that I perceive as unreasonable I will often try to control things that I simply can’t to make it more reasonable. Of course this then makes them more painful for me when I inevitably have to deal with the fact my attempt to control it isn’t working.

Maybe try to list out the things in this situation that you can control and the things that you can’t. For instance you can control what your personal boundaries are and whether you make your boundaries clear to your mum. You can’t control whether she pays any attention to those boundaries and you can’t control how she is feeling. If she chooses to contravene the boundaries you have put in place then you can control how you respond to that…e.g. do you change your behaviour to ensure that your boundaries are not breached (something you can control) or do you allow them to be breached in an attempt make her feel better or continue to attempt to change her behaviour (things you can’t control).

This is not going to fix the situation and make it perfect but it can give you the peace of mind that you are doing what you can to behave in a reasonable and decent manner and also not doing things that will make the situation more painful for you. Sometimes this is the best one can hope for. It’s very admirable that you have such compassion for your mother and are not simply blanking her, remember to have the same compassion for yourself.

 

[Darksidesam]

sorry i kind of missed my point, all i want is to not be contacted every single day is that too much to ask , everything considered?

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

No it isn’t too much to ask at all I think you are quite reasonable in wanting that. I don’t think you missed your point at all. I think maybe you missed mine though.

Presumably it is within your control to decide whether contact happens? At the risk of sounding obtuse, you having been choosing to have contact with her every day (which is totally understandable of course). You can choose not to have contact with her. You can even choose to make it essentially impossible for her to even try to contact you.

You don’t have to answer the door or pick up the phone. You can choose to not do those things. If just the phone ringing is too much you can choose to block her number. Although it would be a desperate measure you could even choose to take legal action if these things didn’t work (I’m not saying you should I’m just saying it is a choice that you could make if required).

I would recommend looking at the things you can control and the things you can’t and making the choices that you feel best fit your purposes whilst realising that no set of those will be perfect. Hopefully that will give you the best resolution.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

In a nutshell…you can try to get her to contact you with a frequency that works for you as much as you like, but eventually you might have to accept that nothing you say or do is going to make that happen and have to take alternative action.

Hopefully that won’t be the case, but if you can accept that whether it is or not is out of your hands then it should make the process of doing that less painful if it turns out not to be fruitful.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

@Darksidesam I think I get what you are trying to say but do have some questions. Do the two of you live in the same town? Like, if you just ignored her call and didn't answer, would she pop in and show up at your house? Have you tried simply telling her in a diplomatic fashion that you are a grown adult and prefer not to speak with her every day?

When I started grad school, my dad used to call me at least once per week. I lived a few hundred miles from him so was not at risk of him just showing up. The calls weren't every day but still annoying and too frequent for my comfort. I finally had to tell him to please stop. Fast forward 10 or so years and his gaslighting and psychological abuse got the best of me and my only sibling, so neither of us have talked to him in a couple of years. But with narcissists it is often the case that one has to set very rigid boundaries otherwise if you give them an inch, they will take a mile (or in your case.... give them a centimeter and they'll take a kilometer). Not saying you should completely cut her off as my situation is probably a little more extreme than yours.

It doesn't sound like your mom is a narcissist, but still mentally unwell. Do you depend on her for anything? Like does she pay your rent or any bills? The more you depend on her for things like that the likely more difficult it will be to set firm boundaries. I kind of agree with Cat in the Hat that prioritizing the things you can control would help. If you are completely financially independent, you can control whether you ask her not to call as much or whether you answer the phone when she calls. If she's paying your bills, it may be more difficult but still possible.

 

[Darksidesam]

No it isn’t too much to ask at all I think you are quite reasonable in wanting that. I don’t think you missed your point at all. I think maybe you missed mine though.

Presumably it is within your control to decide whether contact happens? At the risk of sounding obtuse, you having been choosing to have contact with her every day (which is totally understandable of course). You can choose not to have contact with her. You can even choose to make it essentially impossible for her to even try to contact you.

You don’t have to answer the door or pick up the phone. You can choose to not do those things. If just the phone ringing is too much you can choose to block her number. Although it would be a desperate measure you could even choose to take legal action if these things didn’t work (I’m not saying you should I’m just saying it is a choice that you could make if required).

I would recommend looking at the things you can control and the things you can’t and making the choices that you feel best fit your purposes whilst realising that no set of those will be perfect. Hopefully that will give you the best resolution.

hi i dont think i have been choosing to as i repeatedly have the conversation with her that i do not wish to be contacted by her every single day had this discussion so many times, my explaining to her is that what happens is we run out of things to talk about that are new then she brings out the 10 ton bag of the past which i have buried myself in copious amounts of ketamine and other drugs in the past to try to escape or at least give my mind a holiday from
I end up ignoring her calls/texts in the end and i feel bad , we dont live in the same town no but recently i moved to a nicer place (i was living in a tower block before which she hated to visit) and now theres a chance if i dont answer my phone she will just turn up at my place
I must stress here i am completely financially independent from my parents, i have never borrowed money from them and have always sorted my own income since 16 years old. In fact ive leant both of them hundreds here and there over the years @Jerry Atrick i dont depend on my mum for anything

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

It is your choice whether you pick up the phone or not, you are choosing to speak to her. I’m not saying that the alternatives won’t also be uncomfortable. I’m just saying that in life we are often presented with situations where whatever we do will be uncomfortable but by being aware of our part and sure that we are taking the action we feel is right then it can reduce the pain/stress the situation causes us.

For instance in this situation it seems fairly clear to an outsider that you are making the choice to sacrifice your own happiness and contentment in an attempt to make your mum happy. It might be because the other options are also not very attractive but it is a choice that you are making. My suggestion is that by heading down the path you are heading then it will likely allow resentment to build which in the long run will actually sour your relationship with her and make you both unhappy in the long run. It might be uncomfortable to ignore her calls and prevent contact from happening, but it’s also uncomfortable for you to have contact in those situations, and if choosing to reinforce your personal boundary in that way prevents resentment building and will allow you to be be better to her (and her to you by the sounds of it) when you are together then it could very well be the right thing to do. I’m not saying it is an easy choice to make or that it will result in the perfect solution, but often there is no such thing.

This is what I mean about working out what things you have control over and what things you don’t. You DONT have control over whether she tries to contact you daily (without a restraining order anyway), but you DO have control over how you respond to that and whether contact actually happens.

I know this isn’t the answer you want to hear, you want to know how to control her and stop her contacting you every day, but the likelihood is that you can’t if you’ve already made things very clear. By trying to control something you can’t then you are going to be increasing the pain that the situation is causing you.

 

[Darksidesam]

It is your choice whether you pick up the phone or not, you are choosing to speak to her. I’m not saying that the alternatives won’t also be uncomfortable. I’m just saying that in life we are often presented with situations where whatever we do will be uncomfortable but by being aware of our part and sure that we are taking the action we feel is right then it can reduce the pain/stress the situation causes us.

For instance in this situation it seems fairly clear to an outsider that you are making the choice to sacrifice your own happiness and contentment in an attempt to make your mum happy. It might be because the other options are also not very attractive but it is a choice that you are making. My suggestion is that by heading down the path you are heading then it will likely allow resentment to build which in the long run will actually sour your relationship with her and make you both unhappy in the long run. It might be uncomfortable to ignore her calls and prevent contact from happening, but it’s also uncomfortable for you to have contact in those situations, and if choosing to reinforce your personal boundary in that way prevents resentment building and will allow you to be be better to her (and her to you by the sounds of it) when you are together then it could very well be the right thing to do. I’m not saying it is an easy choice to make or that it will result in the perfect solution, but often there is no such thing.

This is what I mean about working out what things you have control over and what things you don’t. You DONT have control over whether she tries to contact you daily (without a restraining order anyway), but you DO have control over how you respond to that and whether contact actually happens.

I know this isn’t the answer you want to hear, you want to know how to control her and stop her contacting you every day, but the likelihood is that you can’t if you’ve already made things very clear. By trying to control something you can’t then you are going to be increasing the pain that the situation is causing you.

its kind of the answer i was looking for anyway when presented to others, if i choose to not answer every single day after outlining the reasons why i cannot talk to her every day (i cant really talk to anyone every single day i get socially exhausted lol) this doesnt make me a bad person does it? she doesnt call my brother more than once a week at the most

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

No of course it doesn’t make you a bad person! As you say it’s not really reasonable for anybody to expect to be able to contact you every single day unless you’re in a romantic relationship with them.

 

[MsDiz]

its kind of the answer i was looking for anyway when presented to others, if i choose to not answer every single day after outlining the reasons why i cannot talk to her every day (i cant really talk to anyone every single day i get socially exhausted lol) this doesnt make me a bad person does it? she doesnt call my brother more than once a week at the most

Absolutely does not make you a bad person.

I suffered horrific abuse from my alcoholic mother and after years of trying to make it work with her, as an adult, she kept circling around to the same issue you have, undermining the abuse I suffered.

I will tell you what I did, I cut all contact, she is dead to me (she was a long time ago anyway after her 20th time trying to kill herself). I am a very laid back person, I give people endless chances but if you push it too much that’s it. I felt such an enormous sense of relief and my life is way better not having her in my life.

At the end of the day, your mental health comes first and if she is impacting it you need to protect yourself. Put down firm boundaries and explain them to her. If she tries to contact you do not answer and do not feel bad. You’re going to need to learn to be firm. If she is constantly pushing your boundaries then it is clear she doesn’t respect them and therefore does not respect you. Only you can decide how you handle that but remember you owe her nothing, not even the fact she’s your mother changes that.

I just want to add, just because someone has a mental health condition it does not give them the right to be a shit person. There is no excuse for it.

I’m also really sorry you suffered the abuse you did and I hope you are able to go to a therapist and talk about it.

 

[Eligiu]

Hey, so something that has contributed to my issues is my childhood and parents. This post is not so much about my dad because he gets it and just leaves me to it. My mum has paranoid schizophrenia and i lived with her since birth and up until age 6-10 i lived with only her and no other adults present. As you can imagine, unmedicated i experienced all sorts of trauma, neglect and mindfuckery.
Fast forward i am now 31 . Out of all 3 of us (i have 2 siblings who also lived with her) i experienced most of the damage and abuse (care workers said i would be the one who needs therapy etc)
Out of all 3 of us I was the only one who initiated a dialogue again when i was age 19 and helped her get treated by the hospital and released with after-care including benefits and housing (despite being a total drug taking wreck myself at the time)

Am i being unreasonable?
Now out of the 3 of us, she has had no contact with 1 sibling ever since being taken away at a young age, and my other sibling its a more 'normal' relationship healthy contact doesnt talk the same nature or frequency as she does to me. With me, my mum will constantly talk about the past and tries every opportunity to undermine the abuse and neglect i recieved from her as a child (the very small collection of photos of me from then show me very underweight where i wasnt fed) anyway, all i am asking is that she doesnt contact me every single fucking day but she does not seem to respect my boundaries i want from her (or anyone in fact i find any daily social or socialising extremely exhausting, possible ASD)
Is this too much to ask given the circumstances? am I being an arsehole or what? She also goes on and on about my cannabis use (which i must add is a lot less than it was many years ago and i only mix thc with cbd flower now anyway im not truly 'out of it' for long at all. I havent lived with her since i was 10 years old, ive lived alone since 21 in houseshares/own places (i have lived with partners a couple of times too)

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You have set boundaries, and she is not adhering to them. It's not as if you've cut her out of your life completely, which you would also be justified in doing regardless of her abuse being caused by mental illness.

My sperm donor is a narcissist. Definitely actual NPD, like it's beyond a shadow of a doubt. People throw it around a lot now, saying they have a narcissist parent but boy oh boy have I had a lot of experiences with my dad.

I cut all contact with him aside from seeing him at family events last year and it was the best thing I ever did. I still feel guilty about it at times though, despite the fact that I experienced 27 years of a blend of severe sexual, emotional abuse and various forms of neglect, some active punishments, and some DV. My mum apparently has blocked it all out however, and my brother over time has come to my side. Initially my brother just didn't like our sperm donor much, but more recently after Ive told him more about what he did to me he's distanced himself.

However at the end of the day, as bizarre as this sounds I would still forgive him if he made genuine apologies and said he wouldn't do anything to me again. I'd probably immediately ask him after he did it to come watch a movie with me like we used to, just the two of us. Plus he still has my camping stove cause he wanted to make like a camp kitchen for me with it and tbh I still wanna do that.

But considering he didn't stop abusing me as an adult, it wasn't safe to be around him. The gaslighting was horrible too. I won't make any apologies for it, and I think everyone's boundaries and experiences are different, so what their relationship with their parents is like will obviously also be different.

My sperm donor doesn't deserve my love. However, he does still get it.

 

[Darksidesam]

Im sorry to read and see what some of you have experienced over the years, its terrible honestly. I appreciate the responses and have realised that upon having yet another conversation about this with my mum that its almost like talking to a brick wall, and therefore i must make decisions and act accordingly in order to help my own mental health and keep her at arms length because she doesnt want to respect my boundaries I feel as though she is using the fact i dont really talk to many people as an excuse to push it further but that is my choice what i do. When i was sober/drug free i went many months without talking to anyone

 

[Senior Moderator]

Im sorry to read and see what some of you have experienced over the years, its terrible honestly. I appreciate the responses and have realised that upon having yet another conversation about this with my mum that its almost like talking to a brick wall, and therefore i must make decisions and act accordingly in order to help my own mental health and keep her at arms length because she doesnt want to respect my boundaries I feel as though she is using the fact i dont really talk to many people as an excuse to push it further but that is my choice what i do. When i was sober/drug free i went many months without talking to anyone

A huge part of recovering from abuse and trauma is learning to set boundaries, and then actually sticking to them. It's really hard, especially when it's your own mother. So I appreciate how difficult this is for you. Do you have a good therapist to help you with this journey? You know what you want. It sounds like you need some good solid support to help you stick to your boundaries.