Relationship may be ending, help cheer me up/give me advice

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

First off, I joined this forum to educate myself better about drugs, I just have a huge problem right now which is also kinda related to drugs, but anyway...

I have been a pot smoker most of my life and that's all I ever did until I met my current boyfriend. He got me into LSD, Molly and Xanax. The Xanax was only to help me sleep though because I didn't have anxiety, I have a sleep disorder that nothing works for except for Xanax. But I know it's addictive so I usually only take it when I need to sleep and know I wouldn't otherwise. (It's Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder, if anyone cares, lol) I am physically unable to sleep at night, in the same bed or even same room with other people, or with any sound at all. I need to be alone, it needs to be morning/early afternoon, I need total darkness in the room, and I need total silence except for a fan or white noise machine. But somehow on Xanax, I have been able to sleep anytime of day or night, with my boyfriend in a bed and even a tent at a festival with loud noises constantly. This was truly a miracle to me, I have gone to sleep doctors who gave me Ambien and some other sleep drug that both left me laying wide awake all night. But Xanax worked. I have tried melatonin, Valerian root, a few other herbal remedies, I have tried taking 5 different ones at the same time, I will still lay there wide awake. So I think I drove my point home how much Xanax changed my life, lol

Anyway, the reason I'm posting in this section is because I think my boyfriend might be planning to break up with me, or at least he's doing the "slow fade". His behavior completely changed 10 days ago and he has used like 10 different excuses for it, as well as saying I am reading too much into his behavior changes. A few times I have taken a Xanax just to get through the night when I was crying about it. I know it's addictive so I'm trying to only take it sporadically when I need to sleep but lately with his behavior I have been laying awake thinking about it and then i'll cave and take some Xanax. He is the one that got it for me though and already told me he won't get me anymore because he doesn't want me to get addicted. So i've been trying to find something else but even other DSPS sufferers say nothing else works as good.

Now with us maybe breaking up, I need something to calm my overactive mind, make me happy and get me through. We work together and at work I sometimes start crying if things are going bad. If we break up, there is no way I will be able to get through the work day without some kind of drug or something. I know I can't take LSD or Molly every day, I could smoke pot every day but I can't afford it and I also need to stay clean for random drug tests for work so I really only smoke it once every few weeks. I would quit my job but this is the only job I've found that pays me enough to survive, I've gone through 6 jobs in the last 2 years until I found one I liked that paid enough so I don't want to quit this one. We work side by side too, so there is no way to stay there and not have to see him.

So my question is, are there any safe drugs I can take without a prescription (I don't have health insurance) that will make me get sleep when I need it and also make me happy (or at least less depressed)? Is there such a thing as a drug that makes you not feel a broken heart? I mean I know all drugs make you feel good but I mean ones I can realistically take on a daily basis during work and also that will help me sleep? Maybe I'll need a different one for each. I really don't want to get addicted to Xanax and I won't do heroin or any painkiller type drugs either. Basically something that will stop my mind from thinking and my heart from breaking.

 

[Mel22]

You can't drug your way out of this unfortunately and trying to will land you in a giant pile of shit most likely, but you should definitely look at meditiation and exercise - this may help your sleep issues as well.

It will be hard working alongside this guy if you do indeed break up, so if you can't handle it I'd suggest you start looking for something else quick smart. No job is worth sacrificing your mental health for.

You need to sit him down and have a proper conversation with him about what's going on. Find out where you actually stand before you do anything. If he is neglecting you emotionally, making you feel like shit, and is unwilling to communicate and work on these issues, then you should end the relationship yourself.

Watch yourself with the xanax...you're headed for trouble with the way you're going. Real trouble. Keep yourself busy with friends and family and focus on enriching your own life outside of this relationship. Don't be afraid to seek professional help either.

 

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

You can't drug your way out of this unfortunately and trying to will land you in a giant pile of shit most likely, but you should definitely look at meditiation and exercise - this may help your sleep issues as well.

I don't understand why not though...there are things out there that numb your feelings, my boyfriend even told me he numbed his feelings with drugs his entire life which is why he's struggling to deal with them now cuz he doesn't do those drugs anymore. But I don't wanna get hooked on those, those landed him in treatment.

It will be hard working alongside this guy if you do indeed break up, so if you can't handle it I'd suggest you start looking for something else quick smart. No job is worth sacrificing your mental health for.

I can't afford to make less money and this is the job that pays the most (that I can get) around here. That is why I bounced around so much until I found this job. I was so stressed out at my other 5 jobs I could barely stand it, at least I like what I'm doing here.

You need to sit him down and have a proper conversation with him about what's going on. Find out where you actually stand before you do anything. If he is neglecting you emotionally, making you feel like shit, and is unwilling to communicate and work on these issues, then you should end the relationship yourself.

We have talked a few times but he says he's still processing his feelings and he is still learning what they are, how to communicate them, etc. He's like a child when it comes to emotions and feelings. He did acid when he was in 7th grade and has done every drug under the sun since then, he's never been completely sober. So he even admits his brain never matured correctly because of that.

Watch yourself with the xanax...you're headed for trouble with the way you're going. Real trouble. Keep yourself busy with friends and family and focus on enriching your own life outside of this relationship. Don't be afraid to seek professional help either.

I only have one friend and he's in a relationship plus lives half an hour away so we rarely get to see each other. I don't like my family, my dad is emotionally abusive, my brother rarely talks to me unless he has to, and my mom is overbearing and smothering. I have been single most of my life so I know how to have a life without a man and a lot of friends, I pretty much do everything alone, so dealing with a heartbreak is extra hard for me. But actually my boyfriend went back to normal last night and today so I guess things are ok? But I still need to find something to help me sleep, lol That has been a lifelong issue with this sleep disorder. I guess I should have known there was nothing (but Xanax) that could help, otherwise the other sufferers would have known about it.

 

[Ziiirp]

Cannabis Indica helps (or melatonine or a histamine antagonist). Or go jogging 3 hours before your bed time.

 

[zephyr]

Are you more upset about a possible breakup or upset about not being able to get xanax if you break up?

Maybe you qualify for help for your disorder on your own. See a doctor and see if they can prescribe you short term help with sleep.

Dont get your drug issues and relationship issues combined in your head.

 

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Are you more upset about a possible breakup or upset about not being able to get xanax if you break up?

I am sure I could find Xanax somewhere else if I really tried, I won't even need it that much if we don't break up anyway. I have only been taking it more because on days I'm upset I know my mind will keep me from sleeping. I basically am preparing for a breakup. Today I got some pills I had ordered, 3 different ones that are anti anxiety pills, so far the first one I took isn't doing much, I'm still upset. Tonight sucked, my boyfriend barely talked to me at work then when I asked him about plans this weekend he rattled off a bunch of stuff he has to do, basically breaking my hopes I'll get to see him outside of work for the first time in 12 days. He did say he should be around Saturday night but he said that twice last weekend and he ended up not doing anything with me. Then when we walked out, like most nights lately, he walked like he was alone, and didn't say goodbye, just waited for me to say "alright then, see ya later" then he'd turn his head a tiny bit and mumble "see ya later". I am so confused, because last night and this morning he said good night and good morning and called me "beautiful" like he used to, so his back and forth behavior is stressing me out. We haven't kissed in over a week and that was only because I did it. Anyway, i'm rambling, sorry, I'm just upset and wish I had some weed right now, lol I took a pill called Nuphorin that's doing nothing to help me. Maybe I should take another one.

Maybe you qualify for help for your disorder on your own. See a doctor and see if they can prescribe you short term help with sleep.

I've already seen a sleep specialist, but this disorder has no cure. I was given Ambien and some other one I can't remember by the emergency room doctor (I had to go there because at the time I was away from home and hadn't slept in a week because I was forced to get up at 6 am every day which my body can't do), anyway those drugs did nothing, and when I was able to get to the sleep specialist he diagnosed me and said basically I just have to work a job with nighttime hours, it's the only way I'll get any sleep.

Dont get your drug issues and relationship issues combined in your head.

Well they are 2 different issues, but yet related, my sleep disorder will always be there but even if the conditions are right, sleeping is almost impossible if I am upset over my boyfriend because I cry and my mind won't stop ruminating over how shitty things are.

 

[pofacedhoe]

of course you could find xanax somewhere else but these drugs are extremely unpleasant and hard to quit.

trust me cut out the xanax now- if you found it hard to sleep before imagine what xanax withdrawl will do.

why is your job randomly drug testing you? what kind of fucked up shit is that. sorry but thats an infringement of your rights.

if you split up then dont try and cover it with benzo addiction, its the wrong idea for an easier life. things will get way harder

 

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

of course you could find xanax somewhere else but these drugs are extremely unpleasant and hard to quit.

I know and that is why I am only going to take them on days I need to get up early, thankfully we don't have to work overtime this weekend so I'm ok for this week, I got all these pills now and should be getting some weed over the weekend. Although these pills aren't working AT ALL, I took another one since I couldn't feel the one, and I still feel upset and depressed. It doesn't help that my boyfriend just got online and said he was bummed he didnt hear from me tonight, after he barely talked to me at work telling me he was going to bed early (I knew that was a lie), cuz it's 4 am and he's asking me why I didnt call him? So I tried calling and he actually stops the call, it went to voicemail after 2 rings, I said on FB 'why arent you answering' and he said "its late, i dont wanna talk right now' yet he was still on FB for another 15 minutes. I sent him a long message saying 'you barely talked to me at work, didnt wanna hang out after work, told me you were going to bed early, then at 4 am you say you're bummed i didnt call you when i thought you were sleeping, so i called and you didnt answer and youre saying you dont wanna talk?' I am seriously mind boggled at this guy. He does this all the time, he pulls away and gets all quiet and barely talks when i try to talk, then hours later he asks me why i havent tried to talk to him! lol Yes, this is truly what happens. I dont know how someone can be so...is there even a word for this behavior?

why is your job randomly drug testing you? what kind of fucked up shit is that. sorry but thats an infringement of your rights.

Lots of jobs do this, actually. They also drug test you if you get hurt on the job, and my boyfriend has gotten hurt 3 times and we do the same job, so there's a good chance i'll get hurt too.

 

[pofacedhoe]

He does this all the time, he pulls away and gets all quiet and barely talks when i try to talk, then hours later he asks me why i havent tried to talk to him! lol Yes, this is truly what happens. I dont know how someone can be so...is there even a word for this behavior?

manipulative? you need to look at cutting out the xanax though its not good for you because of its addiction potential and very unpleasant withdrawl and it doesn't work long term for solving sleeping problems

 

[zephyr]

He can just as easily call you as you call him. So next time he asks you why you didnt call him you can ask why he didnt call you if he wanted to you.

As you said he does have drug and emotional issues so its not suprising his communication skills are shit.

 

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

manipulative? you need to look at cutting out the xanax though its not good for you because of its addiction potential and very unpleasant withdrawl and it doesn't work long term for solving sleeping problems

I'm not addicted, I got a bunch of other pills to try (which so far aren't working but i'm still trying)...last night was horrible, my boyfriend and I had some sort of a wierd conversation, not really a fight but it stressed me out so much and then it was 85 degrees in here so I think I got like 4 hours of sleep total, I was so tempted to get up and take a Xanax just to get some sleep but I didn't.

 

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

He can just as easily call you as you call him. So next time he asks you why you didnt call him you can ask why he didnt call you if he wanted to you.

I have asked him this before, and he said he was seeing how long I would go before missing him. Basically it's a test to see if I care. But then I always tell him a valid reason, like at work it's always because I was too busy or when I try to find him, he isn't in the room he's supposed to be working in. When I don't contact him outside of work, it's always because of something he did or said beforehand such as last night where he barely talked to me at work, barely said goodbye, didnt want to hang out after work, so I said screw him then if he's gonna be like that...he said he was going to bed early anyway so why would I call when he tells me that, obviously he was avoiding hanging out and/or talking to me so why would I even think to call him? When I said this to him, he just says "Sorry I said anything", whatever that means. I tried calling him and he stopped the call after 2 rings then I said "Why are you avoiding me when you are upset I didn't call you?" He just said it was late and he had to get to bed and didn't wanna talk. That was the last I heard from him, last night. He said earlier yesterday he would be around today and so far I haven't heard from him, so we'll see.

As you said he does have drug and emotional issues so its not suprising his communication skills are shit.

Yeah...and before he met me, on FB like 2 years ago he posted this; "If communication is so important, why am I so horrible at it?" Sometimes he's good at it though, like the first 4 months of our relationship he was constantly telling me how he felt and what he was thinking, messaging me every single day long paragraphs about how he loves spending time with me, how he loves how he feels when he's with me, how amazing and beautiful I am, how he can't wait to see me, etc.