Relapse Relapsing "safely"

[cyberius]

I'm planning to relapse in a few days on a gram bag of crystal meth. I've previously had addiction issues; and I'm 90 days sober from problem drug use. Any tips how to do this safer lol

 

[Vazkor]

No, we don’t.

Welcome back to hell.

Vazkor

 

[tremours]

just remember once you start that doesnt mean you have to keep going, set some limits and don't binge

 

[jdfisse]

It is hard to reason with insanity. Have you made an honest pro's and con's list? If you do and you feel comfortable to share it here that would be great! Sometimes just looking at an honest list will help a person convince themselves of the folly of their thinking.

 

[cyberius]

It is hard to reason with insanity. Have you made an honest pro's and con's list? If you do and you feel comfortable to share it here that would be great! Sometimes just looking at an honest list will help a person convince themselves of the folly of their thinking.

I won't be suffering for a day and Id give my life for the consequences of my usage to be gone

 

[jdfisse]

I learned incomplete information when I was much younger. I learned that "time heals all wounds". That was incomplete information. I am a "picker". Time only heals the wounds when I stop "picking". "Picking" can be defined as any time I seek my solution in exactly what caused the problem to begin with. If I cause a deep wound through my lying, I have a history of continuing to lie to escape the damage caused by the lie. The wound grows... If I steal, let the picking commence. And when I use, the only solution I can see is more use resulting in a deep pernicious gash. If you are anything like me you won't believe a word anyone says until you convince yourself of it. I cannot deny anyone their pain.

 

[Grinders Kiefers]

I think that you posting this shows some amount of precaution for what you're about to do - you're only in the planning phase, and haven't yet used the drug. Planning to use drugs can sometimes feel like a high itself. You take those urges and cravings one step further, and think about how great it's going to be once you're finally able to get what you want. I can tell you from my experience that I always had ideas about how I was going to use "this time" - only take oral doses, no vaping, limit use to a certain amount, etc. The problem is that once I get the drug and get it in my body, all of that planning and preparation goes out the window. Once I got high, I would feel so conflicted and shameful, that I'd just use until it was gone and I could stop the nightmare. If you're like me, that gram bag will be gone almost immediately, and you'll be left a blithering mess, full of shame and self-hatred, and too high to do anything or talk to anyone.

I think part of the trouble is being in between worlds - enough knowledge and education to see what being clean is all about, yet enough experience with using drugs and living that lifestyle that it's easy to put the old coat back on. I tried to live in between for a long time, and I ended up with nobody on my side and nothing to show for my life. I think it's normal to have cravings and urges, and start planning to use drugs when things don't feel right. Your mind will try to deceive you every step of the way to get what it wants. I've been clean for over a year and just had a dream about using meth and dissociatives two nights ago. It still happens, and I don't know how long it'll go on, all I can do is make the choice to not give in to that temptation, if only to avoid the hellish consequences that will result from my choosing to use again.

 

[herbavore]

Cyberious, why? When you say you are making a "plan to relapse" that implies thinking it out. Why does this seem like a plan rather than a capitulation to old habits?

 

[Vazkor]

I won't be suffering for a day and Id give my life for the consequences of my usage to be gone

If you use again, there will probably new consequences.
A week/month/year from now, will you make another post like above, to not suffer the consequences from the usage you are currently planning?
I hope you find a different solution for your suffering.
Read some of this site, maybe: https://markmanson.net/archive

I wish you much luck & happiness for 2018!

Vazkor

 

[cyberius]

Cyberious, why? When you say you are making a "plan to relapse" that implies thinking it out. Why does this seem like a plan rather than a capitulation to old habits?

Sober life doesn't suit me. When I was younger I'd think about getting high and omly that for about five years. Planning to escape from reality is the only thing that makes me happy.

I'm on the other side of addiction with little to no social skills and half a brain.

 

[herbavore]

Cyberius, you probably have little experience with things that take time. Drugs are instant. Fatalism slams doors faster than you can even measure. You cannot assume that you have brain damage or that you do not know how to live a sober life (or even a life where substances are for occasional experiences rather than daily medications). I want to remind you what took you to rehab in the first place--you no longer could sustain the way you were living, the toll it was taking on your body, mind and life. This is a time to feel uncertain, scared even--everything is new. The future may seem overwhelming, so stay in the present for now and don't give in to the temptation of projecting or absolutes.

Social skills can be boiled down to one thing: getting out of your own head. Everyone wants to be listened to, everyone feels alone and wonders if others know something they don't. It's a miraculous transformation when you can get out from under the burden of your own mind and try to reach out to someone else that is feeling the same way you are. Just that miniscule little turning of the tables takes you out of the paradigm of having to perform socially into a more authentic interaction.

I really hope you don't choose this--but if you do, I hope that you will keep this conversation going.