I think a major issue is, i dont know why i go back other than whatever stresses me at the time. Also, my use hasnt really affected my life other thann what i do on the weekends and once withdrawling on vaca with my S.O.
This is precisely why you find yourself to returning to substance use: stress. And more precisely, substance use is clearly the devil you know best when it comes to managing your stress. Finding healthier, less harmful ways of managing your stress (exercise, meditation, focusing on your passions) is what will be necessary to managing your relationship to substance use.
I find the emphasis on abstinence to be rather unhelpful. What use is abstinence if you are constantly stressed out and miserable all the time? Is it even a realistic goal until you learn to manage the stresses of every day life? I personally think not. I don't know anyone who has been able to maintain abstinence or sobriety for significant amounts of time without putting in a lot of effort improving their overall quality of life - and the key to this is (re)learning healthy ways of managing stress.
The issue most of us have is that establishing or re-establishing healthy stress reduction habits isn't something that develops over night or happens right away. It takes time, effort, dedication and practice. On the other hand, we know all too well that, at least for a few hours or a day, using substances will take that pain away. No matter to the fact that we'll end up suffering for it for three or more days after we end up using (particularly with stimulant, opioid and gabaergi substance use). It works right away. As stress relief is what we are really craving - a sense of connection, love, belonging, etc - and substance use allows us to enter a similar state right away, it is no wonder why we find it so desirable.
Particularly considering how impersonal and fast paced modern society is, and how it is driven by consumption and instant gratification, stress reduction habits that focus on slowing down, concentrating our attention and focusing changing our relationship to whatever we have (the good and the bad) are anything but self evident.
I find a good starting point is focusing on what you love. Coming to terms with a love of substance use and drugs, and learning to appreciate the fact that one doesn't necessarily have to use drugs to love them (in fact, sometimes using them prevents us from actually experiencing any deep love of them), was a huge first step for me. But at the same time it was important to realize the fact that drugs are not the only thing in life I love. There is so much more to life, and all of us are so much more than merely our substance use, even at the worst of times in our use.
Finding those inner gems of light and cultivating them, tending to them like seeds n a garden and taking good care of them as they begin to develop and flower, is what this process is all about.
My question to you, OP: What do you love? About yourself, and your world?
