reflections on the day after...

[educky]

I just felt the need to share these reflections wtih someone, and I figured that you all would probably be some of the few people in the world who could understand them...
I am always struck with a particular feeling of longing the day after a rave. Whether it is my low serotonin levels, or my physical exhaustion, or some kind of emotional tiredness, I am always this incredible mix between sadness and intense happiness all at once. My body feels alive and asleep and I go in adn out from feeling like I'm almost still rolling, to being incredible sobered. I can't really express these feelings to my friends because they don't roll/rave, and in many ways, I wouldn't even know how to vocalize them...
But the vibe that I feel at a rave, whether I"m rolling or not, is just so intense, and I always want to just be able to go back to the happiness and security and belonging that I felt while there. I consider myself a very happy person, but the total comfort that I feel when at a rave can just not be recaptured - and perhaps this is what leads me to such intensity the next day. It's like, I know that I can't have that feeling back - so of course I want tnothing more than to have it.
anyhow, that's just my feeling on the day after a rave...i think that because i have sort of had to partition my rave self and my student self (i'm in college) it leads me to this weird zone the next day because i'm still in raver mode, wanting to wear my beads, and listen to the trance, while the other part of me is trying to get back into school mode, with work, and straight friends.
ok, i'll stop it there.

thanks for reading/listening.

 

[pod]

Been there

It's always a bit of a shock to come back to the real world after a good night out. I'm still overly charged from the night before, even simple shit that happened puts me in a good space

Then I look around and see the behavior of some people around campus and it really throws me off...sure maybe some of them had a good night too, but for some, the night was a chance just to show off and be condescending to others...so it's kind of a weird time...then I manage to rouse the rest of my friends from the night before and it's ok again

-pod

 

[Butterfly]

I'm a student too and I completly understand how strange it can be going back to school when a lot of your friends dont' rave. I find when I'm sketchy (that not really high but still not right day after state) on Sunday and Monday all I can do is think about the party. But going back to school, you know you have to keep the thoughts to yourself because you know the people around you just won't understand. It's like you had this incredibly intense experience, but you have to keep it to yourself. I always want to talk about it, but at the same time I'm aware that to people who don't do drugs I'll just sound like a complete crack head. Usually I like to sketch out with some of the people I partied with the next day, smoke some pot, chill out a bit. Sort of eases you back into the real world.

 

[E-girl]

Another pill eaten
Another night spent
Dancing in the twilight
A world where my problems
Go away for a few hours
Everyone is happy and hugging
And the feeling of being whole
Is so intense.
After the lights have dimmed
And the music long stopped
The roll worn off
And the happy people off to bed
In cracked-out E-land
All i can feel is emptiness
Loneliness
Childlike hopelessness
And self-defeated in every way
Want to crawl into the arms
Of the one i love dearly
Who used to look at me with
Such passion
Such longing
Such love...
That it makes me only fight back tears
To find him not there
When the music is over with the night
And the emptiness subsides
Sleeping alone
In the bed where he would hold me
All night long
Only to sit up all night
And wonder where he is
And who he's with
And why he's not here
Wonder if it's my fault
That my friends can't look
Past the rave
To a future brighter than any glowsticks
I wonder if i led them down this path
And if they'll ever come back
And sometimes wonder if maybe the direction
I'm headed in,
Is the wrong direction
And i've been walking in it blindly
For too too long
Feeling all hugs
All the love
The feeling of emotion and warmth
Of pure happiness
To feel it only for those few hours
Makes me wonder if it's worth it
To long so bad to have it back
When the night is over
Makes me wonder if all those hugs
REALLY meant anything,
Or were just another way to feel good
Can't feel so wonderful and complete
Without that little pill
Can't feel so much undying passion
AND HAVE IT RETURNED
With as much trueness
Hold in my heart a flame
That burns longer
Than any glowstick
A hug for "someone"
That holds more truth
Than any of the 1000 hugs
I gave tonight
But only goes unnoticed
A hope so tiny,
Tinier than any pill
Not worth as much
And nothing really to hold onto
But it's all i have
Wondering if he even knows
Where that road ends
And that it DOES end
Sooner and harder than
The other road
Wishing we'd head towards each other again
And remember what it felt like
To hold his hand and walk
Next to him
Come home, Lee
I know he loves me,
But sometimes i think i lost him
Long ago....
To the drugs
Lost myself and never knew it
To something that will
Eventually kill me
And it makes me sad
That I can never tell him
The heart hears only
What it wants to hear....
What it can bear to hear.
Cause the heart never forgets
A single word
A single memory
A single smile
I don't know what i miss more
My life that was happy
Without the beads, the limelight, and the
happy gay people
Or that life I don't remember
What means more to me....
All those rolling hugz
Or a hug from him
Will they remember me 10, 20 years
Down the road,
When the club is long gone
When the drugs have killed off most of them
When their brains are so depleted
That only distant memories remain?
Will he remember me
When all we have left is each other
And the time comes
That it's time to move on
And if i lose him
Will i lose that last part of me
That's not synthetic
The part that is eaten away
A little more
With each pill, each hit
Each rave
Will i lose that last part of me
That is true
That is mine and only mine
I don't know.
All i know
Is that tonight
I'm so alone.

------------------
alwayzzzz PLUR & happy rolling...
E-girl
*I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen!*
**I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it**

 

[newone]

Last night was my first rave in over 5 years, and the only rave I have ever rolled at. I am a senior in college and want to say I sympathize with you greatly. Today all day all I wanted to do was have that feeling back. I was soooooo impressed with this rave and everyone is so nice and open and kind to you. I wish everyone could experience e just once so that a little more compassion is in the real world. And like you most of my friends don't roll, so they have no idea what I am talking about. Anyway keep on smiling and try and bring some of that beautiful e-spirit back to campus.Peace

 

[Motab]

E-Girl -
u'r not alone. I love you.