*Once upon a time...*
I ate pills to get that certain "high" that we all love... the feeling of soaring to new dimensions and your soul brimming with an inner ecstacy that you could never quite describe. I ate pills to feel that rush, and hugs never felt better; dancing never felt so free. And I met people that changed how I lived my life. And it never mattered what was going on outside of the rave... cuz in the rave, I was somebody. Everybody knew my name. And i think now, looking back, that even if they didn't know my name, they loved me for those couple hours. And I loved them. And I never, in 6 years, forgot a single face, a single hug, or all the moments of exhilaration that always started when i swallowed that sweet little candy. And each one of us brought a new definition to the term "ecstacy." We knew what it was about.
I went from a few years of swallowing in the dark, exchanging secret smiles with those precious few who were right up there in that same dimension, never a word said... twirling around on the dance floor without my feet ever touching the ground. A certain peacefulness at the end of the night when the music had stopped and the wings i was riding on had brought me back to the ground. Going home, crawling into bed and almost *ecstatic* to feel the fuzzy warmth of sleep. And dreaming things that even Freud couldn't begin to explain. I went from those days, to the days where you walk into a club and 50 people come up to you in a split second, and before "hello" escapes your lips, they want to know what you're on, how much, etc. To days when excess glitter and glam replaced the sparkle of what was. To days when the pills that had you dancing, instead had you sitting in a corner somewhere by yourself watching this fake world-- this mirage-- roll past you. And instead of bliss, all you feel is let down.
If I could go back to one moment it would be around 3 am at the original Whistle. (That party deserves the ultimate PLUR-award if there ever was one.) Music that was so uplifting you almost forgot that you were still on earth... And I remember seeing this girl sort of lost in the crowd, almost scared-looking. I asked her what was wrong. She said that someone had given her an Adam... but she thought she was hallucinating... she was hearing screaming in her ears and seeing bright flashes of light out of the corner of her eyes. I didn't know what to do. She wasn't with anyone. She wasn't even talking in full sentences, and she was trembling pretty bad. I moved her out of the crowd and sat down next to her out of the edge and she started throwing up blood, right at our feet. It's not much of a story, but i pulled myself down from cloud 9 and just stayed with her for an hour until someone she knew found her and took care of her from there. But I remember the girl gave me one of the bracelets she was wearing... it had orange beads all around, except for letter beads spelling "frEnd". I forgot to ask her name. Well anyway, last year I ran into her at "Once Upon A Time" and she gave me the biggest hug ever. And what made her smile was when she saw that somewhere buried in a thousand bracelets on my arms was that bracelet she gave me. And even though i could tell you the significance of every damn beaded memory on my arm, i will never forget how that girl made me feel inside. That was the difference between SAYING plur and LIVING plur. And to me, that was what I had gotten into this scene for. For the love of a family that had no ends, or boundaries, or rules, or cares.
Whatever happened to that feeling. It's sadly replaced by a resentment, and a shake of the head when I watch these people blowing each other up and bragging about how many pills they ate. And anyway, that's all they are.... pills. Synthetic happiness. No more magic. Not because of the way they're being made, as someone I know suggested; but because of what people think or claim to be getting out of them. For 5 hours they think they have the world on their shoulders.... to me, it was a lifetime of memories and inexplicable feeling and deep emotion. Never had a roll where I wasn't trying to make the world in my head a better place, or somehow reform my crazy life. And the next day, there I was, scribbling down such in-depth thoughts that sometimes even I didn't know what the hell I meant. And the depression that sometimes came was never bad... sometimes it made me want to give up rolling, but usually it made me look at my life from the outside and make me want to fix everything that looked like it was falling apart. And finding Bluelight was a place to vent, and never get flamed or criticized for feeling that way or saying those thoughts. There was always respect, and comfort... a strange comfort that one wouldn't expect to get from complete strangers from the other side of the world. But to me, it was people who got the same thing out of it as me... finding yourself and not being afraid to be that person, even if only in front of these select few whom you would probably never meet. It was about me sitting up nights in front of this computer screen telling you guys about the moment when i felt that initial sweep-me-off-my-feet rush and about looking into the eyes of someone and really care for and being able to tell them things that filled me with what I thought was ecstacy. And it was about all the moments in-between that made me feel belonged and wanted, when outside of that circle I thought my life was meaningless.
I wish I could find that ecstacy one more time. I don't think there is a pill out there that can do it anymore. I used to think there was a person that could make me feel like that without the MDMA, but then I found out about heartache and realized trusting someone is hard work... something that perseveres with time. And that sometimes loving someone, it letting them love you back, or not. And that maybe true love is not the kind that always lasts a lifetime, but sometimes the kind that is hardest to hold onto, and easiest to lose....and then no drug can lift you to that level again.
For the sake of my baby, and the sake of my really poor health, those days are long since gone by... but the memories remain strong. And the people who taught me all i needed to know in life were those strangers... not the people i call friends, not my rolling buddies... they were the people that touched my life for a few hours in a smoke-filled room, captured by beads and tattered fliers hanging on my walls like dead butterflies and wilted flowers. And to those people, thank you.
--Inspired by the old Bluelight family... you know who you are... those of you "teachers" whose words are always sentimental... and yet so faded... with these meaningless posts. But I'm not flaming the new bluelighters either... if that stuff is what you regard as the essence of ecstacy, then post on and more power to you. But whatever it is, don't let those little moments go uncounted for... because when the magic fades for you too, you'll wonder who that bracelet is from.
Much love and memories to all of you.
Just had to get that off my chest.
And remember the words of Lft4u2imgn...
"Hug like you mean it. You just never know..."
~~~~plur~~~~~
E-girl
------------------------------------------
"You may fool the whole world down your pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass;
But your final reward will be heartache and tears,
If you've cheated the man in the glass."
-- from Dale Wimbrow Sr.'s "The Man in the Glass."
[This message has been edited by E-girl (edited 24 January 2000).]
I ate pills to get that certain "high" that we all love... the feeling of soaring to new dimensions and your soul brimming with an inner ecstacy that you could never quite describe. I ate pills to feel that rush, and hugs never felt better; dancing never felt so free. And I met people that changed how I lived my life. And it never mattered what was going on outside of the rave... cuz in the rave, I was somebody. Everybody knew my name. And i think now, looking back, that even if they didn't know my name, they loved me for those couple hours. And I loved them. And I never, in 6 years, forgot a single face, a single hug, or all the moments of exhilaration that always started when i swallowed that sweet little candy. And each one of us brought a new definition to the term "ecstacy." We knew what it was about.
I went from a few years of swallowing in the dark, exchanging secret smiles with those precious few who were right up there in that same dimension, never a word said... twirling around on the dance floor without my feet ever touching the ground. A certain peacefulness at the end of the night when the music had stopped and the wings i was riding on had brought me back to the ground. Going home, crawling into bed and almost *ecstatic* to feel the fuzzy warmth of sleep. And dreaming things that even Freud couldn't begin to explain. I went from those days, to the days where you walk into a club and 50 people come up to you in a split second, and before "hello" escapes your lips, they want to know what you're on, how much, etc. To days when excess glitter and glam replaced the sparkle of what was. To days when the pills that had you dancing, instead had you sitting in a corner somewhere by yourself watching this fake world-- this mirage-- roll past you. And instead of bliss, all you feel is let down.
If I could go back to one moment it would be around 3 am at the original Whistle. (That party deserves the ultimate PLUR-award if there ever was one.) Music that was so uplifting you almost forgot that you were still on earth... And I remember seeing this girl sort of lost in the crowd, almost scared-looking. I asked her what was wrong. She said that someone had given her an Adam... but she thought she was hallucinating... she was hearing screaming in her ears and seeing bright flashes of light out of the corner of her eyes. I didn't know what to do. She wasn't with anyone. She wasn't even talking in full sentences, and she was trembling pretty bad. I moved her out of the crowd and sat down next to her out of the edge and she started throwing up blood, right at our feet. It's not much of a story, but i pulled myself down from cloud 9 and just stayed with her for an hour until someone she knew found her and took care of her from there. But I remember the girl gave me one of the bracelets she was wearing... it had orange beads all around, except for letter beads spelling "frEnd". I forgot to ask her name. Well anyway, last year I ran into her at "Once Upon A Time" and she gave me the biggest hug ever. And what made her smile was when she saw that somewhere buried in a thousand bracelets on my arms was that bracelet she gave me. And even though i could tell you the significance of every damn beaded memory on my arm, i will never forget how that girl made me feel inside. That was the difference between SAYING plur and LIVING plur. And to me, that was what I had gotten into this scene for. For the love of a family that had no ends, or boundaries, or rules, or cares.
Whatever happened to that feeling. It's sadly replaced by a resentment, and a shake of the head when I watch these people blowing each other up and bragging about how many pills they ate. And anyway, that's all they are.... pills. Synthetic happiness. No more magic. Not because of the way they're being made, as someone I know suggested; but because of what people think or claim to be getting out of them. For 5 hours they think they have the world on their shoulders.... to me, it was a lifetime of memories and inexplicable feeling and deep emotion. Never had a roll where I wasn't trying to make the world in my head a better place, or somehow reform my crazy life. And the next day, there I was, scribbling down such in-depth thoughts that sometimes even I didn't know what the hell I meant. And the depression that sometimes came was never bad... sometimes it made me want to give up rolling, but usually it made me look at my life from the outside and make me want to fix everything that looked like it was falling apart. And finding Bluelight was a place to vent, and never get flamed or criticized for feeling that way or saying those thoughts. There was always respect, and comfort... a strange comfort that one wouldn't expect to get from complete strangers from the other side of the world. But to me, it was people who got the same thing out of it as me... finding yourself and not being afraid to be that person, even if only in front of these select few whom you would probably never meet. It was about me sitting up nights in front of this computer screen telling you guys about the moment when i felt that initial sweep-me-off-my-feet rush and about looking into the eyes of someone and really care for and being able to tell them things that filled me with what I thought was ecstacy. And it was about all the moments in-between that made me feel belonged and wanted, when outside of that circle I thought my life was meaningless.
I wish I could find that ecstacy one more time. I don't think there is a pill out there that can do it anymore. I used to think there was a person that could make me feel like that without the MDMA, but then I found out about heartache and realized trusting someone is hard work... something that perseveres with time. And that sometimes loving someone, it letting them love you back, or not. And that maybe true love is not the kind that always lasts a lifetime, but sometimes the kind that is hardest to hold onto, and easiest to lose....and then no drug can lift you to that level again.
For the sake of my baby, and the sake of my really poor health, those days are long since gone by... but the memories remain strong. And the people who taught me all i needed to know in life were those strangers... not the people i call friends, not my rolling buddies... they were the people that touched my life for a few hours in a smoke-filled room, captured by beads and tattered fliers hanging on my walls like dead butterflies and wilted flowers. And to those people, thank you.
--Inspired by the old Bluelight family... you know who you are... those of you "teachers" whose words are always sentimental... and yet so faded... with these meaningless posts. But I'm not flaming the new bluelighters either... if that stuff is what you regard as the essence of ecstacy, then post on and more power to you. But whatever it is, don't let those little moments go uncounted for... because when the magic fades for you too, you'll wonder who that bracelet is from.
Much love and memories to all of you.
Just had to get that off my chest.
And remember the words of Lft4u2imgn...
"Hug like you mean it. You just never know..."
~~~~plur~~~~~
E-girl
------------------------------------------
"You may fool the whole world down your pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass;
But your final reward will be heartache and tears,
If you've cheated the man in the glass."
-- from Dale Wimbrow Sr.'s "The Man in the Glass."
[This message has been edited by E-girl (edited 24 January 2000).]
rolling... hugzzzz