Really need help right now

[pigtownblues]

If you've clicked the thread you're already helping by lending an ear...
Since i last got out of detox on 11/17/17 i have had trouble staying clean entirely, i live in a recovery house in baltimore. I love to ride my bike, play music, love my girl, kittens and dogs, like really loud heavy stoner rock.

so every few weeks now i take some money and go chip for a day or two, deep down this is not what i want. Once i become locked and loaded i can't be stopped and i have thus far neglected to call someone and tell on myself.

I need help bluelight, lets talk. At this moment, this is me reaching out however i can- my network has gotten smaller recently and the amount of people i can talk to straight forward i can count on one hand, probably zero fingers right now.

 

[Ds]

Guilt shame and remorse, i bet you have heard that one time or another.
The feeling of feeling bad about it has to sease to exist, and part of that is having to get honest.
I understand your living situation because I currently live in a 3/4 house, and the thought of using has crossed my mind,i just dont.

Can you try going to an open discussion meeting on the other side of town? One that no one knows who you are, maybe start by picking up a 24hr chip and share there. Get to the point where you establish some time under your belt and maybe when you get more stable and have a plan b, speak to whoever runs the hw house and make ammends.

That's one way, or you could just straight up and tell them you need help/detox again.
Be strong man

 

[determinedmom53]

Hang in there and know that we are all here to listen. This group saved me and I am on day 5 and feeling good. Hang in there and stay determined.

 

[losangeles1993]

message me bro..your just like me...except i chip for 1 week and then go clean for almost a month then chip for 3 days then stay clean for 3 weeks etc etc

 

[sonicwhite]

I maybe just old but what is chip? Lol

 

[aihfl]

I maybe just old but what is chip?

Using drugs less frequently than in full-blown addiction.

 

[sonicwhite]

Ya I hear ya. Umm I would just try to cut ties with anyone that would tempt. Than try to rebuild from there.

I?m just now beginning to grasps this also.

 

[Joshzimmer]

I hope this helps you mate

Hi mate, sorry to hear you?re struggling, do you go to any fellowships? Like cocaine anonymous? If not I would 100% suggest it! Sounds like you?re powerless over any mind altering substance, like I was. I was deep in cocaine addiction for about 2 years using around 3 ?40s bits a day (roughly 1.5 grams), and couldn?t go a day without it. Every morning I would wake up and say to myself that?s it, I?m done, I?m not going to use today and I would mean it whole heartedly. But come lunchtime I would find myself at my dealers picking up then beating myself up wondering how this happened again. I then went into a rehab called the priory which is nationally renound in England, it was a 30 day program, where you go to ca aa and na meetings every night. In there I worked steps 1,2 and 3 but then I came out and was madder than I went in, personally I think rehabs are a waste of time and money as they?re basically a glorified detox unless you go to at least a 3 month one where you work the steps up to step 8 and come out ready to make amends with the people you have harmed. I was sober for nearly 90 days when I came out of treatment, but I wasn?t working the program of aa I was just going to ca meetings every night. I very quickly became very depressed and relapsed. I then went through a year of small periods of sobriety but then with several heavy sprees. I?m now working the program properly and have been sober, content and happy for 3 months. The thing is with addiction is you?re out of control, you have a physical allergy that means once you put a line in you it triggers a craving beyond your mental control, becomes paramount to everything else and has complete power over you. However you will also have a mental obsession that means when you are sober you can?t think of anything else other than the feeling of that first line. You can?t remember or bring into your mind with sufficient force the pain you go through every time you use. Unless you work the program and have a spiritual awakening there is little chance of your recovery. However once you do you?ll live life with a happiness and contentment unlike anything else. As far as I know this is the only way to recover from addiction. It takes some work but is soooo rewarding in the end. I wish you the best of luck in your journey and hope you find some peace.

 

[pigtownblues]

Hi mate, sorry to hear you?re struggling, do you go to any fellowships? Like cocaine anonymous? If not I would 100% suggest it! Sounds like you?re powerless over any mind altering substance, like I was. I was deep in cocaine addiction for about 2 years using around 3 ?40s bits a day (roughly 1.5 grams), and couldn?t go a day without it. Every morning I would wake up and say to myself that?s it, I?m done, I?m not going to use today and I would mean it whole heartedly. But come lunchtime I would find myself at my dealers picking up then beating myself up wondering how this happened again. I then went into a rehab called the priory which is nationally renound in England, it was a 30 day program, where you go to ca aa and na meetings every night. In there I worked steps 1,2 and 3 but then I came out and was madder than I went in, personally I think rehabs are a waste of time and money as they?re basically a glorified detox unless you go to at least a 3 month one where you work the steps up to step 8 and come out ready to make amends with the people you have harmed. I was sober for nearly 90 days when I came out of treatment, but I wasn?t working the program of aa I was just going to ca meetings every night. I very quickly became very depressed and relapsed. I then went through a year of small periods of sobriety but then with several heavy sprees. I?m now working the program properly and have been sober, content and happy for 3 months. The thing is with addiction is you?re out of control, you have a physical allergy that means once you put a line in you it triggers a craving beyond your mental control, becomes paramount to everything else and has complete power over you. However you will also have a mental obsession that means when you are sober you can?t think of anything else other than the feeling of that first line. You can?t remember or bring into your mind with sufficient force the pain you go through every time you use. Unless you work the program and have a spiritual awakening there is little chance of your recovery. However once you do you?ll live life with a happiness and contentment unlike anything else. As far as I know this is the only way to recover from addiction. It takes some work but is soooo rewarding in the end. I wish you the best of luck in your journey and hope you find some peace.

Thanks for the reply my dude. Greetings from the east coast US... i read through all of this and had an epiphany- i never considered the fact that enough pain could bring about a 'spiritual awakening' and working steps to find out whats inside you with the intention of a spiritual awakening. i have only ever thought that all the 'new happiness' (whatever you wish to call it that you get from 12 step programs/sobriety the "pink cloud") Now i see that i continue to put myself through pain and misery every few days and watch the bank account dwindle. Its 1am and i've done too much tonight, just enough to not have it feel like it was enough, though it will never be enough, i need to admit whats going on to someone in person so they can stop me before my problems become more than just money.

my roomate just went out and died within 3 days and he was like my closest thing even though he didnt know every single thing about me, he was someone i could talk to.

Im scared as fuck of continuing this and having no one know. What do i do? My fucking father is even 11 years clean in AA but i cant bring myself to do it. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hi mate, sorry to hear you?re struggling, do you go to any fellowships? Like cocaine anonymous? If not I would 100% suggest it! Sounds like you?re powerless over any mind altering substance, like I was. I was deep in cocaine addiction for about 2 years using around 3 ?40s bits a day (roughly 1.5 grams), and couldn?t go a day without it. Every morning I would wake up and say to myself that?s it, I?m done, I?m not going to use today and I would mean it whole heartedly. But come lunchtime I would find myself at my dealers picking up then beating myself up wondering how this happened again. I then went into a rehab called the priory which is nationally renound in England, it was a 30 day program, where you go to ca aa and na meetings every night. In there I worked steps 1,2 and 3 but then I came out and was madder than I went in, personally I think rehabs are a waste of time and money as they?re basically a glorified detox unless you go to at least a 3 month one where you work the steps up to step 8 and come out ready to make amends with the people you have harmed. I was sober for nearly 90 days when I came out of treatment, but I wasn?t working the program of aa I was just going to ca meetings every night. I very quickly became very depressed and relapsed. I then went through a year of small periods of sobriety but then with several heavy sprees. I?m now working the program properly and have been sober, content and happy for 3 months. The thing is with addiction is you?re out of control, you have a physical allergy that means once you put a line in you it triggers a craving beyond your mental control, becomes paramount to everything else and has complete power over you. However you will also have a mental obsession that means when you are sober you can?t think of anything else other than the feeling of that first line. You can?t remember or bring into your mind with sufficient force the pain you go through every time you use. Unless you work the program and have a spiritual awakening there is little chance of your recovery. However once you do you?ll live life with a happiness and contentment unlike anything else. As far as I know this is the only way to recover from addiction. It takes some work but is soooo rewarding in the end. I wish you the best of luck in your journey and hope you find some peace.

I'm glad recovery has worked for you. I'm also from the UK. The Priory is little more than a glorified five-star hotel that is great at getting you physically clean in luxury & comfort but does very, very little to address the emotional & mental side of drug addiction.

I spent six months in a different rehab, and I *really really* tried to work the Steps. I honestly did. I got up to Step 9, and really tried to pray and reach out to a 'higher power'. Some of us are just not wired that way - we don't all have the capacity to surrender our minds to a God, and if we just honestly don't believe it's futile trying to force a belief that just isn't there. There's other ways to recover. Statistics have shown that AA/NA have basically the same success rate as spontaneous remission.

OP, as you already know, chipping is an awful, awful idea. You've been fortunate enough so far to pull yourself back from the brink, but as we both know, there will come a time when you aren't so lucky, and your chipping will spiral again into full-blown active addiction. If I were you I'd find something you're passionate about and commit yourself to it. You need to fill the void with something.

 

[sonicwhite]

Love you Man, I know you?re going thru a lot. Losing someone hurts I know the feeling.

I just want to chime in for a sec. I?m a Christian Right but I?m the least of the kingdom because I have the nasty habit of judging ppl.

I want to tell you that I will continue to love you as if you were my closet friend.

I know everything in your life is spiraling out of control.

My faith has reduced my addiction to practically zero.

I want to encourage you to maybe think about AA. Because it does base itself off giving our problems to a higher power. I don?t want to push my faith on you so I won?t do that. But I will tell you that I?ve learned obedience through what I suffered and I believe you will too.