I don't want to live.
I'm 27, and been this way far too long.
Well doing what you're doing I wouldn't be betting on you having to put up with living for particularly long.
It sounds pretty clear that you're depressed and committing slow suicide. Make no mistake though, death by acetaminophen poisoning is not a good way to go. If a slow painful dragged out death is what you want you're on the right track to getting just that.
There are other options though. Putting aside the fact that depression and suicidal ideation it treatable for a moment, if you have access too and can finance a 2 gram a day coke habit, why are you doing shitty combination pills with acetaminophen in them? I'd have thought you'd be able to feed your opiate habit without having to take combination pills at all. At the very least I implore you to do a cold water extraction. Even a lazy less than perfect but fast CWE would be a lot better than nothing. You may want to die but I doubt you wanna die slowly and painfully. If you indeed do die. There's an antidote to acetaminophen poisoning. So you might wind up alive, but with a fucked liver and an even worse quality of life than you have already.
It sounds a lot like this is a cry for help. Don't take that the wrong way. There's nothing wrong with crying for help when you in fact need help. I don't know what you've tried so far to ease your suffering aside from the drugs you've mentioned. But it's clear you need more help than you're getting. There's a lot of good people out there, people who don't know anything about you but despite that would still gladly give up their time and energy to try and help you. All you gotta do is take the first step.
I know you've probably heard all this before. I've been suicidal, I was suicidal for years until I finally got help. And it took more than a few attempt to get my depression finally under control. I don't know you at all but id happily talk to you if you ever felt like talking to someone. And so would a lot of other people here. You might feel your life isn't worth it or you don't want it, but I implore you not to give up. So many people have been absolutely sure they didn't wanna live anymore, that they'd tried to get help and it didn't work, that they've had enough. Only to eventually have help forced upon them again one way or another (usually following a suicide attempt or suicide attempt by lifestyle) and finally find it, and come to want to live and enjoy life. It happened to me, I tried to kill myself and only then finally had help forced on me and I'm grateful for it. I wont lie, it doesn't happen for everyone, I can't promise it'll happen to you. And my life certainly still really sucks sometimes, but it's a lot better and I want to live now. I can promise you a lot of people succeeded in their suicide attempt and lost their chance to find a life worth living, and almost always leaving at least someone who cares who now has to keep going after they're dead knowing they failed to help them and having to live with that guilt.
Anyway, please don't give up, ill say it yet again, I dont know you at all, but I know you're a human being in pain and that's more than enough for me and many others to want to help you.
Feel free to contact me any time via Skype, forum PM, whatever. And I promise ill listen and do whatever I can to help, even if all I can be is a sympathetic ear.
I hope you think about what I said. Because unless you're a sadistic murderer or rapist or child abuser or the like, then I can promise you your life is worth fighting for and there are many more here on BL and elsewhere who feel the same way.
