Quitting my old ways

[Iwantmylifeback22]

Ever since the age of 14 my life has been addiction to some for of substance. At the age of 12 I picked up my first cigarette. I didn’t actually think that moment in my life would be the moment I hated the most.

I never really got addicted to cigarettes until the age of 14, but that moment was the moment that lead me down the path to hell. I eventually started smoking spices and weed while at the age of 14 also. I quit smoking spices before I turned 15. It really wasn’t my thing, but weed. Omg. Weed I was absolutely in love with. It was my best friend.

All throughout highschool and even one year into college i couldn’t quit smoking it. No matter what. It honestly was one of the main reasons I flunked my first year of college. It may not do that to other people, but it did for me. Well after flunking college I came back home to live with my parents again.

My parents would always complain about me not having a job. I still kept smoking weed. I couldn’t stop. I eventually got into Xanax. At the age of 19 is really when things started going downhill. I screwed up in college, came home to live with my parents, didn’t care to find a job, eventually got hooked onto Xanax, and still was smoking cigarettes since the age of 14. About 3 months later(Still 19) I had a moment where I realized that I was screwing my life up.

I quit cold turkey everything...Cigarettes, Weed, and Xanax all at once. Talk about a withdrawal from Hell. Luckily my mother was alive at the time and was helping me get through it. It was rough. For about 6 months I suffered from depression. I actually ended up finding a good job somewhere in between which was a blessing, but i still had depression. It was like this feeling of being sober was something I couldn’t live with. I had to catch some kind of buzz.

I worked at my job for 1 year and 8 months. A few months after being at that job I eventually started vaping. BIG mistake. It had been 6 months since I quit substances and I was about to lead myself into another path of destruction. It all started with vaping only low dosages of nicotine. I was hooked again. I eventually upped my dosage in nicotine. I then a few months later quit vaping and actually picked up dipping for the first time.

Idk why tbh...maybe it was a bigger rush to me idk? Time flies by and I end up losing my job because of small infractions at work. At around the same time my mother just passed away from cancer. At this point in my life I was in such a terrible predicament. My dad ended up helping me get back into college and trying to finish. A month goes by and boom I start smoking cigarettes again. A few more months go by and boom I start smoking weed again.

At this point in time I’m 21 years old. Time flies and I ended up having to leave college because we couldn’t fund it at the time. I go back to being jobless and addicted. More time flies by and now I’m 22 years old. I pick up roxys for the first time. I fall in love. Find out it makes a promise to you that it can’t keep. It makes you want to chase that first time high that you will never be able to reach again. You even up your dosage thinking it will help but it doesn’t.

So now as I’m about to turn 23 years old, I finally have realized life is better living sober. I don’t care what anyone says negatively about that. Life IS better sober. It’s not worth the hurt, depression, anger, frustration, etc. All you’re doing is hurting yourself and the people around you. I am a little over 3 days clean of a 90mg a day addiction to roxy(3.5 month addiction) and almost 3 days clean from nicotine.

I don’t want to be a slave to substance anymore. I hope this helps people out there. I have love for you guys deeply. I want you to know you’re not alone through this. It’s a battle and we have to face our demons and defeat them. Be bigger than your demons.


Sorry if it’s not well put together..I’m not very good with my writing skills. Lol


P.s. if you read this whole thing, thank you. Seriously thank you.

 

[CBNJ2357]

Man, I feel you. Depression is one of the main triggers for my opiate usage. When people had an intervention for me, I refused because life without it seemed rediculous. It seemed like an absurd request - it was my only "relief" from my anxiety and depression.

I've smoked weed almost 2/3rds of my life, multiple times a day, everyday. So when IOPs and rehab told me I had to quit despite being a MMJ card holder, I felt similar. For the longest I just couldn't accept life could be enjoyable without it.

In between I've done a list, and i mean list of drugs. For the longest time too I used to tell people it was my body, we have the right to persue happiness - who says it can't be by chemical means etc, completely oblivious to how much I really was destroying those around me.

I just wanna give you props for realizing not just that you're hurting yourself and the people around you, but that you're self-aware enough to realize what the drugs provide is a false "happiness". Just keep it in mind man, and don't look back. You know you're an addict, that'll never change unfortunately. The minute you come to accept that I could never do this shit ever again sucks, but ultimately its your ticket to freedom. A lot of us (myself included) start to lie to ourselves, saying once is ok, it'll be different this time, I won't let myself get as bad and so on. I was around my DOC all day everyday for 3.5 years without touching it. People would ask me you don't do it even here and there? I'd tell them if I did it once they'd know because I'd be doing it all the time in no time.

Fast forward those 3.5 years and "ah fuck it, one time" with the 1000 other justifications to myself and I was back on a 2 year on and off run again complete with an overdose, withdrawal, legal issues, and ultimately a stint in a mental health/rehab spot.

Just a warning though, 3 days is amazing, and with opiates some of the hardest, but many other people feel similar to you at first. They generally dub it the "pink cloud" effect in rehabs and AA/HA/NA meetings and shit. People feel great again, get over confident and shit, then don't understand what happens when they come down from it. So just recognize that confidence you have now might fade, but it doesn't have to mean your determination has to. Reach out for help, talk to people about it, so on. It's cheesy as fuck and something I still have trouble doing, but all it can do is help you in your weaker days.

Good luck man, congrats, and keep me posted.

 

[Iwantmylifeback22]

Thanks for the reply and support. Seriously! It means a lot. Oh and happy new year!

Like you said it does suck. It’s literally something you have to take day by day and tell yourself that everything is okay without it. Eventually it gets easier, but I will always want to do them.

What helps me is getting out and experiencing life in different ways than just living in my small hometown where everyone gets high for their fun. Like the other day I went to a music festival with my girlfriend. I had an amazing time with her and it really helped ease my mind. I think about those things less and less each day. My brain keeps telling me though “I know you’re going to do one eventually” and I just have to push that thought out. It’s better than my brain telling me “You need one!! Please do one!!!”

I did take Xanax on some days to help with sleep. I didn’t take them consecutively though so that I didn’t get a slight addiction to them. They helped me catch up on sleep for sure.

I also took MDMA at the festival, but that’s not something you just do everyday, so I know I’m okay with that.

I guess everyone has their drugs of choice that they can get heavily addicted to and opiates/nicotine is that for me. I’m going to keep a positive mindset and stay away from those things. And also know better than to get another addiction to something else.

But thank you. Let me know how you’re doing too every so often.

 

[herbavore]

Wanting to not be owned by anything--whether it is a substance or anxiety or anything else that controls your mind and holds you back--is a very honorable desire. I think you sound very motivated to stay sober and keeping that thought ("I do not want to be owned.I want to be in charge of my actions and choices.") is a very good thought to help you stay focused and on track.

You are lucky to be 23 and where you are. You do not have to go to college right out of high school and who knows, maybe there is another satisfying path for you anyway? You have time to figure it out. Get to know yourself, read books and blogs that foster self-awareness and positive thinking--they can be a good motivator when things get tough (and they always do).