TDS Quitting a lot of drugs - Ashamed at my lack of Drive

[knightworrier]

Trying to quit all my drugs thats hydromorph, Pregab, Clonaz, the rest... I have a heart issue that will give me prob another 3 years max (Docs guess), I want to try and quit before I get the whole prepaid funeral out the way.
I guess I wanted more out of life. Maybe friends that stayed around and didn't use me. Maybe a Brother that was grateful for anything, Would love to hug him before anything happens, No one knows how bad things are but me. I lost my sport friends because of injury I lost my friend on the other side of the world cos the only thing he cares about anymore doesn't have me in it, I called him everyday stayed up nights when I was tired to talk now I feel PISSED OFF with him!
An apology wouldn't go far been beaten to this point.
So the reason I am quitting this crap is so I can say I love my family without being under the influence.
Thats the short of it. While quitting I can feel it's having an effect on my heart. Anyway to quit this stuff fast. I'll be in a lot of pain but I'll be clean. Maybe able to live on and help those who give a stuff.
It's been a hard weekend.

Peace, KW

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Doesn't sound like you are short on drive to me at all matey!

 

[CosmicG]

I feel your pain knightworrier. I too have a lot of addictions that are holding me back from truly connecting with the ones that I love and care about the most. Alcohol and benzos have been my main crutch. I can't remember the last time I spent quality time with my family sober. It all feels fine at the time but every morning I wake up with a guilty conscience, and an overwhelming feeling of emptiness. And yet the cycle continues. Nobody seems to mind because they don't know how far I really have fallen into the pit of addiction. But it hurts me all the same, and them too whether they are completely aware of it or not.

I can only imagine how hard it must be to deal with these addictions while knowing your time is so short. That being said, life is so precious and anything can happen at any given moment. I want to quit for the exact same reasons you do. I know you can do it Focus on the things you CAN control and everything else will fall into place.

 

[knightworrier]

Thanks Cosmic Giraffe , You seem to understand what I mean, It's been a long time since I was straight and was really in the game. In a way it's nice to know I am not alone with this feeling. Actually it means a lot. BTW I have a congenital heart problem that most of the time takes lives before 35. I do have a cardiologist and am working hard and fast on doing something before it's too late.
I do have many addictions to get through even cigarettes. I don't drink so if there were anything good about my addictions I lost that one years ago.
I appreciate the kindness I have recieved in this post. I am very grateful
As I was feeling too alone and with no answers I am thankful.

Thank you both very much, Knightworrier.