TDS Putting the past in the past, and moving on

[DiscoApe]

Hello, and welcome to my story. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.

I've been on BL since around 2000, although obviously this is a new account, and I haven't posted for many years. I used to post a lot about fears over what drugs have done to me, since I have been suffering with fairly heavy anxiety and depression, and derealisation/depersonalisation for about 12 or 13 years now.

I guess I feel like I'm finally beginning to make some peace with it all, albeit without any actual recovery from my symptoms. Still, I do recognise this as progress to some degree, since previously I would suffer additionally from the mental wrestling with all those thoughts.

The main reason I am posting this is to try and finally move on from this stage of my life, and ultimately I still want to be free of this constantly unpleasant mind state I am in, and find some inner peace. It's more clear to me now that this was never going to happen all the time I was desperately seeking answers and trying to change the past. I still don't believe it's definitely possible now, but at least I can take on the task with a more rational head.

I started taking ecstasy around about 2001, initially being careful and never over-doing it. A few months later I started getting panic attacks in the night after taking it, and so I decided I should quit. However, I enjoyed the high too much, as it was the only thing I had found that freed me from my social anxiety (I have always been a nervous person and a worrier) and so I continued. In fact, I started taking more and more, and soon my usage became wreckless and I would binge on it, taking up to 10 pills a night and then doing it all again a week later.

Somewhere around 2003 my anxiety started to bother me, and I went to the doctor about it and was prescribed an SSRI. I tried to knock recreational drugs on the head as I knew they wouldn't help, but I was fairly light on willpower and I was surrounded by friends taking them regularly, so I gave in.

I started feeling really anxious and dreadful after a night drinking and/or taking drugs. And then, one day after recently quitting my SSRI, and a month with lots of mdma, I had a terrible hangover from a big night drinking (no drugs) and it was like a switch got flipped in my head. That switch has stayed "on" ever since then, and the result is that I am in a constant state of high anxiety, which has never left me for even 1 second. Life has been hard since that day back in 2003, although some periods have been better than others. I've learnt to manage it, and to people looking in I have pulled off a reasonably normal life. However, my anxiety has robbed me of so much, since my job is far beneath what I should be capable of, and my relationships have failed because I just can't handle even the most minor stress.

I still just don't know if I can ever flip that switch off again. How can I ever know if this is a psychological state that can be undone, or if I have caused irreversible changes to my brain? I know I have pushed the limits a few times, some of which I list below:

1) A couple of times taking ridiculous doses of mdma, between 2 - 3 grams (maybe more) in a night.
2) Getting a concussion whilst drunk and on mdma, and then going on roller coasters the next day.
3) Taking 2 grams of mephedrone whilst on Erythromycin, which blocks an enzyme necessary to break it down.
4) Taking very large quantities of mdma after recently quitting an SSRI, which means I couldn't feel how much I was taking but it still can do as much damage. It is like putting your hand in a fire but being to numb to know it is burning.
5) Abusing benzodiazapines, taking huge quantities and drinking alcohol with them. Three times I have become addicted, and I believe I have a permanent skin problem from coming off too quickly whilst addicted the last time.

I probably did around 1,000 ecstasy pills over a 7 - 8 year period, as well as many other drugs such as cocaine, speed, weed etc. It seems highly possible to me that I have just pushed things too far, and was such a heavy user, and in many cases extreme, that I have trashed my serotonin system or something, and now I cannot ever feel right again. This thought used to fill me with even more terror than I feel now, and I would go into a cycle of trying to figure it out. At least I can avoid that now, although when I close my eyes and concentrate on how I feel, that does still fill me with dread as I realise I have lost that clarity, that ability to be "in the moment", and now I just feel... lost. It's as though I can't get a grip on reality, and my mind is just so clouded and unable to focus even for a second. It really is a horrible feeling, and it is all I have known for the past 12 odd years. It prevents me from ever really feeling my feelings, and I spend every waking moment trying to distract myself from the darkness inside my mind.

I just want to leave all this behind now and move on with my life. However, the fact that I just can't recover even a bit holds me back. I've pretty much given up on ever making a full recovery, but if I could at least get a bit better I believe I could let this past go and start something new.

If anyone has anything they can share, in terms of whether they think permanent damage does occur from drug taking such as mine, or whether they think this is more psychological I would be very grateful. Like I say, I have at least made some peace with it, in as much as if someone were to tell me they think this is permanent damage from drugs and I just have to live with it, I would not fall apart like I would have done in the past. I'm less interested in reassurance to give me temporary relief - I just want to know the truth now and move on with my life.

 

[My3sons]

I dont think anyone on blue light is medically qualified or able to tell you if you have done permanent damage to your brain. Have you been to a neurologist?

 

[DiscoApe]

I have, but about something else. They did give me an MRI, but nothing came back as abnormal.

 

[neversickanymore]

Some of the steps from the fellowships do a great job helping many people come to terms with their past.

Do you exercise regularly? If not I would certainly take this up. Regular aerobic exercise stimulates neurotransmitter production, causes neurotransmitter level regulation, causes neuroplasticity and generation, treats anxiety and depression.

Exercise and Brain Neurotransmission
Neurobiology of Exercise
Aerobic Exercise
Chemicals and supplements to recover from opiate addiction
Diet & Neurogenesis

 

[therealbeats]

I'd second the recomendation above. Diet and excercise can do wonders. Your body can heal, it can heal alot. Our experience isn't the same, but:

-I've taken a lot of drugs multiple times. (LSD, Mushrooms, DMT, DXM, Ketamine, MDMA, Cocaine, Amphetamines, 2C-B, 2C-T7, Morphine, Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, just off the top of my head)
-Spent years as a painkiller addict (to be honest I still take kratom on and off though)
-Drank myself unconcious (many times. And drank to the point I couldn't move except to throw up).
-I've been knocked out in fights (solid hits to the head)
-I went to this festival, 3 years in a row. Each time, I'd rotate the 5 days doing MDMA, LSD, Ketamine, 2C-B and Alcohol.

Brain felt like shit when I started trying to straighten out, like literally talking to myself and trying not to scream as I fell asleep, but I started focusing on my nutrition. Going to the gym. Stimulating my brain with new information. I spent a couple years in night school and now I'm majoring in physics (university level). I'm not saying it was easy. I failed pre-calculus the first time, but got my grades up.

It's possible. Even if you've done damage. The brain is resilient if you treat it right. Since being in university, I've begun experimenting with nootropics (cognitive enhancers) like noopept (as well as the 'racetam family) to try and get ahead. One of the benefits of noopept, is it encourages the release of both HGH (Human growth hormone) and NGF (Nerve growth factor). Both of these actually encourage new growth in the brain and work to restore neuroplasticity.

*Nootropics are great. But excercise and nutrition. Holy hell they make a difference. It takes time. But it works. Include plenty of healthy fats (coconut oil, fish oils, flax) to help specifically with your brain. And meditate when you can, take it slow, but try.

 

[Solitude_within]

The type of anxiety that you describe sounds horrifying....I can only imagine what the last 13 years has been like for you. I'm definitely no stranger to the ill effects that drugs can have on the mind, so I can personally relate to maybe a little of what you're going through.

Sounds like you have a good attitude about your situation, though. And that can make all the difference. To repeat what a couple other members have posted, a good diet and exercise is pretty much the best foundation you can have in the journey of repairing your brain and mind. I'll admit, it's a challenge to suddenly start a healthy routine and stick with it. But it sounds like you've been to hell and back from the effects you've experienced.....so I'd hope that you would do what you can in everyday life if it helped to heal your mind.

As another person said, only a doctor would be able to recommend plans of action for you. Seeking professional medical advice/care is your best shot at getting part of your life back. I don't know if you've talked with a specialist about the best medication to help you with the neurological problems you've had. You might already be prescribed something, but if you're not, then that probably has to change if you want things to get better.

Best of luck on that journey. It's good that you're ready to leave the past behind....believe me, I know how hard it is to simply let go. Lots of people (myself included) struggle every day when we let the past control who we are and what we choose to do right now. Don't lose touch with the part of you that's ready to let go and move on, no matter what happened or how fucked up it feels to accept it. True acceptance is empowering - it helps to shine a light on the real things that can be done now, even when the pain and frustration of the past tries to persuade us to hold onto the grudges that keep us from living NOW....and moving on to better things.

(If you wonder why a random guy like me is trying to push his own personal views on letting the past go and why it's so hard, it's because of my own struggle with it. I've known for a long time that I need to change the way I live if I want to live past 50. The last 5 or 6 years for me have been just a big game of denial and avoidance, never dealing with serious issues that pretty much lead to self-destruction and an early grave. Anyways, I don't want to go on about my own issues....just know that I was giving you the advice that I wish I'd been following. In a way, I was trying to remind you (and myself) that there's hope and that with some effort and time, things can get better. In the end, the power is in your hands, and in mine too. Here's hoping that we both make the most of it while we can.)